Road to Tomorrow
If you are looking for a post that is uplifting and will feel you with hope, then you might as well stop reading.
I have read a number of articles that say if your marriage can survive infidelity then it can be stronger than ever. I am here to tell you that what they say is all crap. Your marriage will never be as strong as it once was, ever. In fact, your marriage is dead and gone. You might as well just give up on it. Why? Your marriage is gone because the people who married are gone. They both die the minute the affair happens. The trusting fun loving couple is no more. Her, not worrying about where you are for a few hours, is gone. He will second guess every move he makes for fear of triggering her, instead of just being able to enjoy his time. She will never treat him the same and he will never treat her the same. They are two people thrown together in an arranged marriage. They will have to discover who these two new people are and if they can live/love each other ever again.
The sweet guy who would bend over backwards for his wife has been replaced by a selfish SOB that she does not recognize. Even worse is the recognition that the wife will never be the same again. She will never be the the trusting fun loving wife that he married. She was killed as a result of the affair, an unknowing casualty. The “fun mom”, the sexy wife (just for him), the beautiful woman he wakes up next to, that person is dead; replaced with a woman who is competing with a fantasy and distorted image of a woman with no hope of winning because it isn’t real. What she sees or thinks will never be real, and it will be her own worst enemy.
We, as cheating assholes, don’t fare much better (at least not if we are remorseful). We live a fantasy, that for the briefest of moments, we talked ourselves into believing is real. Once that shattered, parts of us went with it. I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be this person that everyone loved, looked up to, and was everything my wife wanted. I am just a farce, a fake, a grade ‘A’ conman. Everyone sees my exterior without understanding what is underneath. This can make it hard at times, because very few people know and they still have those inflated opinions of who I am. I am still supposed to be that great person, but each time it comes up in a situation, I feel myself die a little more inside, knowing that I am not who they believe I am. I sometimes wonder if being shunned by all of society would make living with myself a little easier.
I cannot tell you what to do or how to make it better. Three years later and I still feel like I am still trying to just make it through a lot of my days. I deeply regret what I did and I work tirelessly to protect her and help her heal. I see things all over that are constant reminders of what a shitty person I am and I have no one to share those with because I don’t want those same things to become triggers for her. So I swallow them down and die a little more each time it happens. I constantly feel like I am one fight or mistake from her getting tired of me. We cannot seem to even be able to work through the issues that led to the affair so I feel frustrated, without hope, and worthless.
I just keep thinking that I only need to make it one more day. Tomorrow will be better, and then I am reminded by that very childish voice in my head that tomorrow never comes.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
― Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown’s Little Book of Wisdom
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
The post is a Reality check.I am sure you have got too many advices so I will keep this short. I know how helpless it feels when u see your relationship fall like a palace of cards, but the very fact that you recognize it and trying to place the cards back is a good move …don’t look back to what you had ….look ahead to what new u can have. We all grow and change with time …embrace her and leave your guilt behind ……..it takes two ppl to make a relationship …talk and c where u can take urs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
A total reality check…. Facts not commonly accepted by society.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This was a very interesting perspective from the “cheater”. I find very few articles written from this perspective.
This statement – “if your marriage can survive infidelity then it can be stronger than ever” is one that has haunted me for almost two years now.
I chose to leave my cheating husband/best friend and when I read that statement my first thought is “oh bullshit” and then of course my mind goes “hmmm, maybe”. But the truth is…even if this were true and some people’s relationships magically grew stronger from their husband or wife being with another person and all the lies, deceit, manipulation, disrespect and lack of morals made you stronger..it wouldn’t have for me.
There is a lot that goes into an affair and there is no way I could ever look at him the same, and he knew that!
I often wonder what keeps people together when something so hideous is done to you? How do you ever look at them the same? And if you don’t then why bother?
Affairs break your soul, it’s that simple.
It touches every single aspect of your life and changes you in so many ways. What’s the point of hanging on to something that is so broken the other person was prompted to stray?
LikeLiked by 5 people
Nothing and no one is ever the same again. I agree it breaks you down to the core. It rips you to pieces and there is never a chance to be whole again.
I guess the reason people stay is they had something so good at some point they believe there is a chance to get it back. Or at least something similar.
Then again, I am not the best person to answer those questions, especially not at this moment.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree with you dear. Infidelity in marriage breaks a soul beyond repair.
LikeLike
👏👏👏👏 Greatly written! Amazing points made. A marriage can never be the same when an infidelity takes over. Couples try to keep it together, but to no avail. Because both loving & caring husband & wife who got married are gone, and now just total strangers who spites one another.
Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely untrue for me. It had been a long hard road but we’ve made it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good to hear that
LikeLike
Sad my friend, thanks for sharing. I’m on the other side- my marriage did not heal however.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Most never do, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has a different story and has to do what is best for them. I just hope you are in a better place now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I am thank you. I followed to offer support.
LikeLike
thought provoking quotes…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate to what you wrote. I have spent years trying to compete with the women he was with. I tried so hard to be the one he wanted but it was never good enough. If he had loved me like he said and wanted me then he wouldn’t have done those things. He bragged to me about being with others just to destroy me. I thought he was the greatest man alive and he turned out to be my worst enemy. On top of that he gets online and tells everyone I’m a hateful bitch who has done the things he does. People actually believe him. They feel bad for him and he gets more women that way. No one gave a shit about my pain, he didn’t. He spent years acting like I was overreacting and he didn’t even say he was sorry. No, I take that back last month after years of abuse and neglect he wrote a blog post, didn’t say my name, didn’t send it to me just expected me to find it and everything would be great. He wrote the post for attention. He had hundreds of hits and hundreds of comments, not one saying he was a bad person or should have told me this personally. This people were praising him, nominated him for awards, reblogs and nonstop praise. I told him he cared more about what they thought of him than what I thought. He could have fixed things between us but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to give up the ranchy lifestyle and he doesn’t want to look me in the eye and admit he broke my heart so instead he blames me for everything then gets mad at me if I’m hurt or upset because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care and never did and that is the biggest problem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have followed you to the very end. I resolved myself not to say anything until I got there. With in your first few posts I had forgiven my husband for everything when for a year and a half I struggled with suicide or leaving. And then just like that you saved one persons marrige and possibly life. I needed the perspective. I needed the REASON why he did it. Much like you his only answer was selfishness. That wasnt good enough for me. You say theres no good reason but there is. You were lonely amd sad and you felt unloved and unwanted and you were HUMAN. you were human searching for someone to feed your soul after a long time starving. You say its not a reason but its is. Your wife has a responsibility in it just as I did. Leaving someones soul to starve and desimate over time no matter how depressed we were is still cruel, its still not ok. In its own way we should have let you go instead of handcuffing you to a dead person. Isnt that the same thing as leaving someone before you cheat? They are both action that denote consequense for another that is detrimental. If you refuse to accept your wife had some part in this I dont see any hope for you. And if by this time you havent made some definate improvements in the way you feel, its best to let her go. She COULD be happy again. Dont force yourselves through this to save face. If it is destroyed, hold hands…and cry…and set eachother free. Its the kindest thing to do. Thank you for writing this. It saved me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad you got something from everything I wrote. It is one reason I write all that I do.
I can also understand your thoughts about my wife taking some responsibility (which she tries). In my messed up mind I can see that the years of neglect put me there but if also feel she didn’t choose to be depressed. This led to a lot of the issues but not all.
I had to make the choices I did, sure I was desperate and not thinking in the right mind, but they were choices.
In the end, she feels more responsible than I want her to feel and I feel more responsible than she wants me to feel.
And I want to thank you for what you wrote because sometimes, maybe a lot of time, I don’t feel human anymore and it is nice to be reminded that as humans we do need certain things to survive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe it is better to be in that real place – and understand that neither of you are perfect. You have dragged each other down from the pedestal that you put each other on as perfect people who only have eyes for each other. My experience is that this is not realistic. Maybe your trust in each other can eventually grow because of the step you took to be honest in the end. It’s hard but accepting that you are both human is the first step towards real coexistence. And if you can forgive (which is not about forgetting but simply about taking your hands from each other’s throats) then you have become stronger in the end. And if you can’t move forward then that is something that might be difficult to accept but better for you both in the long run. The most important thing is to first forgive yourself.
LikeLike
Your comment “I see things all over that remind me of what a shitty person I am…”
Are you talking about places – restaurants, stores, hotels… or things that are specific things?
Personally I wanted to know specific places, especially bars. Besides feeling those places were tainted, I wondered if being there was making him remember being there with AP. I wanted to avoid any bars and pubs he’d taken her to because we had been regulars at a number of them and the thought of shooting pool with people who had met them as a couple there made nauseous.. but all brought back all the rage I felt.
Since he refused to discuss it I stopped going out to our usual places. Which really put a crimp in our social life when our friends wanted us to meet them at our usual places. And he didn’t want to go meet them by himself. And he did not want to let friends know why I refused to go there.
Guess some of us want that information, some don’t.
LikeLike
Here is my answer to all your questions:
affairwithcoffee.wordpress.com/2019/01/15/response-to-comment/
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. Closure may never come for her. I’m not sure there may be a why to what led to your affair except to have told on yourself prior to it happening or not going through with it at all. Day by day – if you are still together- keep trying and loving. I wish you well.
LikeLiked by 1 person