Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Look To Tomorrow…..Until You Realize None Of It Matters

dark-roadRoad to Tomorrow
If you are looking for a post that is uplifting and will feel you with hope, then you might as well stop reading.

I have read a number of articles that say if your marriage can survive infidelity then it can be stronger than ever.  I am here to tell you that what they say is all crap.  Your marriage will never be as strong as it once was, ever.  In fact, your marriage is dead and gone.  You might as well just give up on it.  Why?  Your marriage is gone because the people who married are gone.  They both die the minute the affair happens.  The trusting fun loving couple is no more.  Her, not worrying about where you are for a few hours, is gone.  He will second guess every move he makes for fear of triggering her, instead of just being able to enjoy his time.  She will never treat him the same and he will never treat her the same.  They are two people thrown together in an arranged marriage.  They will have to discover who these two new people are and if they can live/love each other ever again.

The sweet guy who would bend over backwards for his wife has been replaced by a selfish SOB that she does not recognize.  Even worse is the recognition that the wife will never be the same again.  She will never be the the trusting fun loving wife that he married.  She was killed as a result of the affair, an unknowing casualty.   The “fun mom”, the sexy wife (just for him), the beautiful woman he wakes up next to, that person is dead; replaced with a woman who is competing with a fantasy and distorted image of a woman with no hope of winning because it isn’t real.  What she sees or thinks will never be real, and it will be her own worst enemy.

We, as cheating assholes, don’t fare much better (at least not if we are remorseful).  We live a fantasy, that for the briefest of moments, we talked ourselves into believing is real.  Once that shattered, parts of us went with it.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I used to be this person that everyone loved, looked up to, and was everything my wife wanted.  I am just a farce, a fake, a grade ‘A’ conman.  Everyone sees my exterior without understanding what is underneath.  This can make it hard at times, because very few people know and they still have those inflated opinions of who I am.  I am still supposed to be that great person, but each time it comes up in a situation, I feel myself die a little more inside, knowing that I am not who they believe I am.  I sometimes wonder if being shunned by all of society would make living with myself a little easier.

I cannot tell you what to do or how to make it better.  Three years later and I still feel like I am still trying to just make it through a lot of my days.  I deeply regret what I did and I work tirelessly to protect her and help her heal.  I see things all over that are constant reminders of what a shitty person I am and I have no one to share those with because I don’t want those same things to become triggers for her.  So I swallow them down and die a little more each time it happens.  I constantly feel like I am one fight or mistake from her getting tired of me.  We cannot seem to even be able to work through the issues that led to the affair so I feel frustrated, without hope, and worthless.

I just keep thinking that I only need to make it one more day.  Tomorrow will be better, and then I am reminded by that very childish voice in my head that tomorrow never comes.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
― Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown’s Little Book of Wisdom

charlie-brown

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, November 2017 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Look To Tomorrow…..Until You Realize None Of It Matters

  1. Xandria says:

    I love your perspective. it is tough and things will NEVER be the same. the trick is learning how to re-learn each other. this was a good read. the man’s story and his struggles never really get told, so thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. perkmeupnwa says:

    I needed this today. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’ve been divorced from the man that cheated on me for more than 15 years and I can say with all honesty and sincerity, I love him much more now than I did before he broke my heart. You can’t love a phony. It’s only when you decide to be a real person, with human flaws and honest hang-ups that anyone is able to get close enough to truly love you

    Liked by 5 people

  4. magarisa says:

    Thanks for sharing your perspective. Your side of the story doesn’t get told very often.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is a really brave post.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You are hoping and trying to make the relationship better. That is more than I have received as the betrayed spouse. My Hubby went from long term infidelity, 3 affairs over the marriage, last one spanning 5 years…to porn addiction.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Spot on. My high school sweetheart cheated on me at 8 years together. Got back together it would never be the same love though we tried. By year 10 he did it again and we divorced. I couldn’t be happier and he’s still chasing love while married a second time. Love is never the same after the initial break, a small part of your heart hardens and your rose tinted glasses get a little darker. Thanks for sharing the perspective I needed it.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. laurah5107 says:

    Even though I’ve been the betrayed wife – you have my sympathy. It’s true that you can never have back what was irreparably broken. You (the cheated on wife) feel betrayed by someone you never thought would hurt you, your place of safety and comfort gone. Trust is decimated. Lies cause you to question your past together, the truth and motivation behind every word and action you’ve shared. The future you imagined for the two of you is also gone. You don’t think you will ever completely trust again.

    My personal experience: I met my husband at college. We lived together for 3 years. 2 months before wedding, he had drunken one night stand while on 6 mo job 1000 mi from home. Got married and forgave but never forgot. Tho he has. Just after my 1st child was born he had an affair with co-worker. Not sure how long it went on. Had one attempted argument. I was drunk, he kept his temper and walked away. I grabbed kitchen knife, demanded he come back and argue. He walked out of house and I killed the refrigerator. He got promoted, we moved. Assume it ended. Never brought it up again. Gave up caring.
    Because when we both drank we had a pretty good relationship. We went out to bars a lot, drank, shot pool, went home, smoked some weed and the sex was not bad. Not the wild “any way and any where” of pre-cheating days, but decent. Sober, I think too much, get too inhibited. Even after all these years. I got diagnosed as bi-polar 13 yrs ago. Got meds, stopped drinking after 47 yrs. I’m almost 60. Did your wife ever see a psychiatrist for her depression?

    If there is anything that drove me crazy in your blog is how manipulative the OW was. And you were inexperienced enough with relationships and desperate for the connection you didn’t notice.
    Red Flags: Twice divorced. It’s not completely the guy’s fault. Failed marriages and relationships? She’s doing something wrong.
    Not getting physical custody of her children? It’s rare that the mother is not given custody unless she does not ask for it or there is a reason she should not be granted it. If her ex-husband was so ‘abusive’ to her, the court would not have left the children with him. I’d question the story of the ‘abusive ex too. Unless she drove him to it.
    You said what you liked about her was her spontaneity, the way she didn’t schedule everything, that her plans could change in a minute. Unpredictable, unreliable. Flighty. Call it what you will.
    The fact she said whatever she thought, no filter, even if people didn’t want to hear it (though she said it in a nice way). Her finances being in chaos. Screams unstable woman with narcissistic tendencies. You were played by an player who didn’t care who she hurt if she felt good.

    You need to get to the point where you can stop beating yourself over the affair. Nothing will ever change what happened. Accept the girl that you married is gone and she is not coming back. Try to build trust and a loving relationship with the woman she is now.
    Accept that you are a good person who did a bad thing. Not bad. Stupid. And never do it again.
    If you feel the need to stray, love your wife enough to leave her before you do. It actually is less painful.
    Accept that you need to work on communication. Open, honest communication. It’s very hard for men in particular. (My husband is like that. Stoic. “Walk it off” was his family’s response to everything from broken bones to broken hearts. We’ve done it to our kids. I’ve tossed a concussed child back up onto a show horse for her next class – walk it off)

    Stop destroying yourself over the affair though. If it’s truly over, you’ve told her all the truths, you’ve learned your lesson, and are trying to be more open in your communication with her – it’s all you can do. If she loves you she will try to move on. Not the same, never the same. A new normal.
    (Have you both considered cutting down on the volunteer activities? Instead of her vacations with her friends how about the two of you going somewhere even just for a weekend?
    I honestly hope you find a place where you can make peace with yourself. It seems that you are unwilling to even consider giving yourself forgiveness for the affair.

    Sorry so long. Stay strong. It will get better.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I have Bi-Polar 1 and would not use this as an excuse but I got that same sinking feeling when my sig/other left me, during the middle of the day. I still dream of her. Still, miss her but would wonder ‘what if.’ What did I do? This comment is a trigger to my mania.

      Like

  9. laurah5107 says:

    Last comment sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but as with my kids, I always want to save others from dealing with same pain I have.
    You’ve asked what trust is and do you need complete trust in a marriage. Yes. Have Told him every detail of my life? No. There is one event from before I met him I’ve told no one, tho it colors my entire life. It affects no one but me and the those who did it (I’m sure they’ve told no one), so I hide my PTSD best I can.
    But I digress.
    Recently I had a MRSA infection that I tried to ignore in true “walk it off” fashion. By the time I arrived at ER, sirens screaming, I was holding on as doc says. Infection had spread to blood, muscles and bones of spine. I don’t remember the first 13 days in ICU. But I trusted my husband to know me and that I would not want to wake up to discover they had amputated limbs. We’ve seen the news- people waking having lost both legs or all 4 limbs. I may be selfish, but we both know I have a self-destructive urge and it would mentally break me. I had complete trust in his love for me that he would do whatever he needed to do to keep his promise to me no matter how much it hurt him.
    I trust him with my life. I know he’d risk his life to save mine.
    Even in my 40s, while my father was still alive, I always knew that if I wanted to leave the marriage I’d be fine – Dad would give me somewhere to live and support me and the kids as long as I needed. Once he was gone, I realized the only people in the world who really loved me and would always be there to catch me if I fell were my husband and my kids. Because even if we were to split up, you don’t get over decades of love, friendship, intimacy, knowing someone better than anyone else in the world.
    Trust is knowing that they will always be there to catch you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. laurah5107 says:

    Oh – and with the MRSA, I spent a month in ICU, a mo in hospital, 2 mo in rehab facility 2 hours from home. He made the 4 hr round trip drive twice a day every day, going home to take care of our 6 rescue dogs (mine, he just said No more dogs every time I brougt one home). He had to learn to give me IV antibiotics 5 times a day for 3 mo and then deal with surgery and recovery for spinal reconstruction surgery.
    I kept all limbs but lost all bones in lumbar spine and tailbone. Now L1-5 are titanium and bone grafts. But he caught my fall.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      So what turned him from the man at the beginning of your marriage that cheated on you to the man who you trust so much?

      Like

      • laurah5107 says:

        Time. And his actions over that time. Not big things like European vacations or diamond rings. But like finding out she sat at my bedside for all that time, able to tell breakthrough pain even when I was unconscious. Excusing himself for a few days from his Spill Response Team (he was govt affairs for a BIG oil co) in Alaska 😉 when the kids and I had to make the decision to euthanize ou 13 yr old dog and surprising us by showing up share his last days with us.
        Making sure he saw almost every one of our son’s hockey games and daughter’s horse shows (they both travelled all all over the country during their teens with their sports) sometimes hitting 3 airports in 2 days or driving 20 hrs in a long weekend. And filming it all.
        My mother went thru ovarian, then kidney then brain cancer in one long illness while my father was by her side being strong but helpless. Unbeknownst to me my husband (who was doing Fed lobby work for his company by then and spent more time gone than home) was spending many of his night up there driving 2 hrs to stay with my dad, take him to dinner. When stayed in DC for weekend he was playing golf with dad, visiting mom in hospice. Didn’t know until he bought me & daughtertickets one day and told us to visit dad. It was his bday and mom wasn’t doing well (which I knew). I’d been a little pissed about all the weekend spent in DC until then.
        We also made an effort to go on vacations in places where we could either be sure to find safe/bonded/child care – this is with kids over 5 and 8 respectively. Resorts with kids’ ‘sleep over’ parent-night-out programs with lots of kids involved, or less private, but rent a condo and take an older teen we knew from home. She appreciated free vacay – we almost always went tropical to dive locations – we got out on private days on a boat, little remote sandy beaches, sunsets, dives, drinking a little – don’t want to drown- and spontaneous sex out in open where anyone happening by could see, or in the ocean where a hammerhead could come by at any moment, can help keep excitement. The possibility of discovery can be quite an aphrodesiac.
        It took at least 5-7 yrs after the long term ‘whore at work’ business to get that point. Never returned to “pre-Her” every day, and the trust and vulnerability to go back to ‘I’ll try anything once’ sex. Even if you had that – I don’t think most couples ever get that back.

        I learned a major life lesson not long ago when my brother’s wife died. He is 55. He is a ‘master of the universe’. President and CEO of intl advertising company, recently asked by major univ to devise and teach special major in his field of marketing. On Boards of 2 Fortune 500 companies. Company HQ in Paris, family lives in US. Trying to have it all. Has been in meetings in 10 countries in 5 days. Wanted to ‘make sure his family was provided for’ tho they never saw him. He and his wife had bought a beautiful oceanfront property and she was already working with architects on designing their retirement home big enough for when the kids brought all their future grandchildren to visit.
        I don’t know if my brother ever cheated. I know they sometimes went a month without being on the same continent and he was a young, wealthy and powerful intl businessman. But whe was home he was a good husband and father. I digress. 3 kids. Also beautiful. Ages 17, 15, 12. Christmas ski trip. Wife came home saying she was too young to have so much hip pain. Not hip. Stage 4 lung cancer. Never smoked a cigarette or joint in her life.
        Money can’t buy happiness. Or time. I went to her funeral in September. School had just started. Her son’s whole soccer team was there. She was 47. I cried. A lot. For the graduations, weddings, births she’d never be a part of. For all those years she and my brother spent apart living separate lives for whatever reason and that beachouse that will never be built.
        At the funeral her oldest daughter recited something her mother had said.
        “There are only 5 things you want to say when you know you’re dying:
        1. I forgive you
        2. Do you forgive me?
        3. Thank you
        4. I love you
        5. Goodbye forever

        There is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. Make your peace if you can.
        You have to let go to move forward and have a future.

        You have my sympathy, as does your wife. You are both in a terrible situation and it takes time and love – and the resolve to stay the course and not give in again when things get tough. Once can be overcome but twice – for me the only good resolution would be making it look ike an accident so the insurance paid out.
        I still think you are a good man who made a bad choice (but one that appears to be psychologically, emotionally, and possibly biochemically gender related per research) We women think it’s a load of crap and when we feel unappreciated, unattractive to spouses etc we shop, eat Hagen Das, or one I used – go with friends to male strip clubs, get attention, feel attractive, have sexy young men sit on your lap, imagine sex with them then go home to your husband and kids. Because you love them.
        I do not understand why men can’t say No to the OW when they can to wife and kids either. You in Florida? (adding major insult to injury). For me, husband saying “I guess I wasn’t here for my birthday, or yours or baby’s, or Mother’s day, or Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving or New Years. Or when that hurricane came through”. Lord knows why I’m still here 32 yrs later.
        But good men screw up. Good women screw up too but not nearly as often. And women with kids who make decisions to screw up that impact their kids are not good women, no matter how they may try to justify it.
        Remember my sister-in-law. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow – who do you want by your side and what do you need them to know. Those people are your heart and the words are spoken from your soul. Listen.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. You have written one of the best blogs ever! I real all 100% of it and I feel it.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. B. says:

    Never seen it from “this” perspective… which is quite rare because, I guess, one doesn’t feel like to expose themselves. This post made me think that reality has always two faces. No matter the “input” of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Reality has so many different faces. Everyone has their own personal reality based on their perspective and processed through their own experiences, morals, values, and judgments; so there are infinite versions.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. bobbiejrae says:

    Your blog is totally honest…I too, write to be totally honest with the world.. I blog to keep a very important promise..https://www.nearariver.com/keeping-promise-near-river-bj-rae/…bj, author of near a river, http://www.nearariver.com

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You want to try. And its clear she does too else you wouldn’t still be together. It takes time to heal from something like this & if you both love each other enough, you will make it work. Thank you for sharing your story with us, its nice to understand things from a male’s point of view.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Yes very true I have seen heard it all but most of all the SOB that’s great words . great work

    Liked by 2 people

  16. C M Smile says:

    “I just keep thinking that I only need to make it one more day.  Tomorrow will be better, and then I am reminded by that very childish voice in my head that tomorrow never comes”. <— Hits home.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. therebelchic says:

    This post in on point. I’m not married with my partner. My friends and family want me to get married because they believe in that way my partner will stay with me forever. For them marriage is a leash. Once you’re married you’re stuck but it’s not true. I got girl friends who married their soulmates but after a couple of months divorced them.

    Like

  18. I appreciate how honest and open you are about the aspects of your relationship. I really hope things get better for you.

    Like

  19. AS PER MY EXPERIENCE, ANY THING WILL BE OF GREAT VALUE UNTIL YOU GET IT, ONCE IT IS GOT THE VALUE GOES ON DIMINISHING.so also in a marriage. As per Economics. It is the value of diminishing utility. For example: when a man consumes a cup of coffee, he will have a great liking.Second cup.he will take with a little hezitation.If he takes the third cup, he will vomit.THIS IS KNOWN AS VALUE OF DIMINISHING UTILITY.

    Like

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