I ran across this the other day and wonder what they may actually find. Many people spend so much time thinking about why did we did what we did that things like this sometimes get over looked.
https://msuinfidelityresearchstudy.wordpress.com/blog/
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It’s interesting that the study is limited to people who have terminated therapy. Looking at the other qualifiers it seems they may be targeting “recovered” or “healed” couples, but there are certainly lots of other reasons that folks stop going to therapy.
Just my thought…
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I agree.
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And just to couples that are still together?
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It seems like they’re beating that old dead horse, you can always go back.
No, no you can’t.
If you do, here’s your coupon.
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This is about a cheater 😦
https://kennytangkengboon.blogspot.com/2019/04/kenny-tang-keng-boon-con-man-addict-sex_8.html
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They’ll have a hard time finding participants, I’m afraid.
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Very interesting. I added your blog link to a tweet of mine
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Thanks!
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The date on it is a year ago and a quick search of google and MSU turned up nothing. Unsure of its veracity.
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It may be over. I know that a few people participated in it.
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I would love to see if there was a paper published or an article. I thought it was an interesting proposal.
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I would like to see the results. Maybe useful for writing fiction. (Maybe a story that resembles reality instead of much of the far-fetched schlock out there.)
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Hi I am currently reading through the beginning of your story and wanted to know if you are still with your wife. And what has happened. I hope either way you both are doing well and have moved forward hopefully together .
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We are still together, different but together. I have thought about doing an update do many times but I write things and then just delete them because I can’t make the words say what I feel.
Are you going through it now?
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I know you will find this weird. But no I have not cheated on my husband and as far as I know he has not cheated on me. Maybe he has but I don’t think so. But my father cheated on my mother so maybe that is why I am looking at these sites.
I feel very happily married and I have been told by my husband he is too.
I’m sorry to hear that your marriage is not as strong as you probably both we’re hoping. Have either of you thought about why that is. In as I assume you both still want to be together otherwise you would be divorced. Also has your wife read your blog. And maybe she should read other blogs as well. To get different perspective from other people. From what I have read so far you are so completely different from the other husbands that have cheated. You seem to have tried to be open and honest with your wife. When you say different are you meaning together in the house but living separate lives kind of thing. I really hope that you can get through this together. I don’t know maybe I can help if you don’t mind me saying. Just as another perspective.
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We definitely have talked about the reasons our marriage took the path it did. Most of it is not understanding how to ask for what you need and the other person not valuing what they are asking.
We both felt more like roommates than spouses. We were great in making the household run well, but not give each other what we needed.
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Unfortunately in every relationship we always take each other for granted. Therefore we don’t look after our relationship.
I hope you have a better relationship with each other. As I said I have only been with my husband sexually. Our sex life is extremely active seven days a week. For long time. I suppose when our children were younger we were not as active but still active. Are your children in their late teens and are they still living with you. I do think now parents are too focused on keeping their children busy and active therefore life as a family and as a husband and wife get ignored as as you now know it’s becomes detrimental to a marriage
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Sorry, I misunderstood your different comment. We are much different than from before the affair. Our marriage died with the affair and so did we, as the couple we once were.
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Hi Bac4sccr you know that is not a bad thing that you have a different marriage. You both were very young when you married. I myself have such a different view of my husband now then when I had when I was 18. Not that it is a bad thing. You see I was young like you when we met. When we get older our views on life change. So we will always have a different view of life. In 10 years you will think differently to now. Here is an example. My husband but at the time my boyfriend use to say every one at his work did not like him. He has had at least 10 different jobs in the same field his is in and in every job he has had trouble with people. Well I was so upset to think that people would not like my boyfriend he was just so wonderful how could anyone not see that. To me my husband at that time the sun shone out of his backside as far as I was concerned. Now years later I can totally understand how people was getting pissed off at him. So I have a totally different perspective of him. But I still love him very much. We have been together for 34 years married for 28. You both can be a great couple together but in different way. Not just because of the affair but also because you both have matured therefore your thoughts will be different. I hope I am making sense.
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Great post.
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Thank you
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Hello, I hope you and your wife are continuing to heal yourselves and your relationship. How are you both doing? Unfortunately, my husband and I are in a similar situation. For you, what does your wife do (or should do) to help you heal? Or feel less guilt and shame? What should she do to help restore your relationship with her? What could she do to help you be at peace?
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I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Before I answer your questions I would like to ask one as it does determine how I answer. Was it you or your husband that had the affair? There is a lot of healing needed on both sides but it is different based on who strayed.
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Thank you for responding. My husband had the affair. I found out about it a little over a year ago. He claims it wasn’t emotional (other than he liked the attention), just physical. The OW was our friend for almost a year and then she started pressuring him to cheat. She would get mad when he said no. He says she manipulated him. He has cut off contact with her, and we’re in counseling. He’s disgusted with himself and can’t believe that he did this. I see a lot of similarities in how you write about your shame, guilt, and remorse and how it impacts you. I love my husband even though this has devastated me (I’m working on healing). From your perspective, how could your wife help you and your relationship heal? How could she help you with the guilt and shame?
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This is a very hard question and I am not 100 percent sure how to answer it but I will try. I don’t think it is a secret that I blame myself for everything that happened and I don’t expect my wife to do anything in helping me heal from this. The things she has done that have helped are working together to figure out how we got to the point in our marriage where I felt it was my only option. She didn’t shy away from the fact our marriage wasn’t perfect and we needed help. She also let me show her that I was remorseful and let me help her in her healing process. For me I think that it was my mess I created and I need to fix it and help her heal. She didn’t hide her bad days and I had to be patient until she was ready to talk about it, but she did talk to me. That was a big thing for me. She could have just shut down and been angry but instead she was open about her anger and how much I hurt her so I could find ways to build a new relationship with her.
As for me getting over my guilt and shame. I am not the person to ask about that. I have never let it go. I constantly still feel the effects of what I did, but I have just got better at recognizing it and shoving it deep down so it goes away. In lots of ways I have found my ways of keeping those parts of me in boxes. I went to different therapists and tried so many different things but I am not someone that let’s things go so nothing ever seemed to help. Instead when I have a bad day or something that reminds me of what I did then I submerge myself in something that requires all my attention and then I can push it away.
I also recognized how much my guilt and shame were still hurting my wife. I don’t want to say I hide it from her, but when we are together I try to focus on her to keep those thoughts and feelings at bay. I am not sure this is the answer you are looking for but it is what I have.
I will say that my therapists were very frustrated because of my thought process in how I see myself. I figure we are a sum of our actions and those actions define what type of person we really are. This in my head means I will always be a cheating husband and no one can change that or make me anything other than that. Even with all the other good things I do, a part of me will always be the cheating husband.
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Thank you so much for your honest perspective. One of my big concerns is that if his shame and guilt is not worked through, he will resent me whenever he or I struggle with healing because I remind him of his failings. Does that make sense? Obviously, his actions have broken me and us, but I don’t want him to view me as his failings. With us both working toward healing, I want to be able to see him as a loving husband again and I want him to see me as his someone who brings him peace and support, not shame. Does that make sense? I’m not sure if you’re comfortable writing about the shame and resentment. Thank you again for your words.
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It does make sense to me. I don’t blame my wife or resent her for my short comings. Instead I struggle to understand what she sees in me. I wonder why she stays when I have done the horrible things I have done. And I am terrified that at some moment she is going to wake up and see me for the person I see in myself, then leave me. How you can help I think is to lean on him to help you heal and when he is struggling know you are there for him. It hasn’t hoped me, but for others I know it is big to make sure you differentiate between the actions that caused this and the person he is to you. Is he a good person who did a bad mistake or is he a bad person who showed his true colors. The person over the behavior allows for the possibility of change. You can change someone’s behavior but not who they really are. For me it doesn’t work (probably because I know too much about psycholoy) but for many people it allows them a way to heal and change.
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