Road to Tomorrow
If you are looking for a post that is uplifting and will feel you with hope, then you might as well stop reading.
I have read a number of articles that say if your marriage can survive infidelity then it can be stronger than ever. I am here to tell you that what they say is all crap. Your marriage will never be as strong as it once was, ever. In fact, your marriage is dead and gone. You might as well just give up on it. Why? Your marriage is gone because the people who married are gone. They both die the minute the affair happens. The trusting fun loving couple is no more. Her, not worrying about where you are for a few hours, is gone. He will second guess every move he makes for fear of triggering her, instead of just being able to enjoy his time. She will never treat him the same and he will never treat her the same. They are two people thrown together in an arranged marriage. They will have to discover who these two new people are and if they can live/love each other ever again.
The sweet guy who would bend over backwards for his wife has been replaced by a selfish SOB that she does not recognize. Even worse is the recognition that the wife will never be the same again. She will never be the the trusting fun loving wife that he married. She was killed as a result of the affair, an unknowing casualty. The “fun mom”, the sexy wife (just for him), the beautiful woman he wakes up next to, that person is dead; replaced with a woman who is competing with a fantasy and distorted image of a woman with no hope of winning because it isn’t real. What she sees or thinks will never be real, and it will be her own worst enemy.
We, as cheating assholes, don’t fare much better (at least not if we are remorseful). We live a fantasy, that for the briefest of moments, we talked ourselves into believing is real. Once that shattered, parts of us went with it. I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be this person that everyone loved, looked up to, and was everything my wife wanted. I am just a farce, a fake, a grade ‘A’ conman. Everyone sees my exterior without understanding what is underneath. This can make it hard at times, because very few people know and they still have those inflated opinions of who I am. I am still supposed to be that great person, but each time it comes up in a situation, I feel myself die a little more inside, knowing that I am not who they believe I am. I sometimes wonder if being shunned by all of society would make living with myself a little easier.
I cannot tell you what to do or how to make it better. Three years later and I still feel like I am still trying to just make it through a lot of my days. I deeply regret what I did and I work tirelessly to protect her and help her heal. I see things all over that are constant reminders of what a shitty person I am and I have no one to share those with because I don’t want those same things to become triggers for her. So I swallow them down and die a little more each time it happens. I constantly feel like I am one fight or mistake from her getting tired of me. We cannot seem to even be able to work through the issues that led to the affair so I feel frustrated, without hope, and worthless.
I just keep thinking that I only need to make it one more day. Tomorrow will be better, and then I am reminded by that very childish voice in my head that tomorrow never comes.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
― Charles M. Schulz,