Every time I sit down to write I decide I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to write whatever might come out of my head. Most of the time I write I don’t have a plan I just sit and write whatever comes to mind or has been on my mind. You can probably read this in the randomness of some of my blogs but it is oddly therapeutic. So now I am avoiding writing because there is a lot in my head that I think should stay there rather than let it out. I will probably keep a lot of it in for now. Maybe sometime soon it will make it’s way out but I never know once I start writing.
The last post I had was ranting somewhat about the thought that I needed to be 100% into keeping this relationship but my wife, who used to be 100%, is only 98%. I got a lot of comments about how this is actually a positive sign because of how quickly she got there and I can never really expect her to get back to 100% ever again. She will always be a little guarded because of what I put her through. I think what got me about this was the insistence that I needed to 100% all the way committed in order to make this work. I understand why she is at 98% and while at the time I felt like it was a slap in the face, I now think it was more like a bucket of cold water dumped on my head to wake me up a little. Honestly, maybe we all should only be between 95-98% in all our marriages. Why? Well it will make us stay cognizant of our partner. It will keep up working to please them and work to be the person you want to be for them. It helps the effort put in the marriage at the beginning be sustained throughout the marriage. What I am thinking (or rationalizing) is that 98% may be a very good thing, not a bad thing at all. I know the fewer bad things I have in my life the better off I am.
Here is some other interesting news that has thrown me for a loop.
My The OW got married on July 2nd or 3rd. That is right, she got married. She has not even known this guy for 6 months and she got married. When I first met her she was dead set on never being married again. She thought that marriage was for suckers and she did not want to go through all that again. This guy has 3 or 4 kids added to her 4 kids from 2 different marriages (3 of which she hardly sees) makes for quite the mess. This will be her third marriage. At first I did not know what to think. It really made me wonder, which I was already doing, if what I (in my delusional fantasy land goggles) thought what we had was even the least bit real. Does it really matter? That is the part I was struggling with because in one instance I wanted it to be somewhat real so I was not 100% feeling like I got played and risked everything for nothing but in the other instance it just reassures me that I am glad I saw through the fog to come to my senses (although just a bit too late). I now feel like I really missed a bullet with her. I do have my own theories about why she got married but I will keep those to myself for now as they really don’t matter. In fact none of this really matters in what I have going on in my life now. And just to cut off all the comments about me following the OW, my wife actually found out on July 4th or 5th that she got married.
So now what? I have emerged from a horribly long week filled with setback after setback and I struggled to get out of bed some days. I am getting better but am always on the lookout for another setback. In all this, one of the things that I learned is that this will never go away. This will never end and I have to be strong enough to learn how to drag this burden with me. In counseling this week we went over a few things that I knew were coming but I did not want to talk about. I dreaded talking about them, but I went through with it anyways. Did it help? Not really. I still feel the same about myself as I did before, actually worse because every time I have to talk about it I feel like I go right back to the beginning of all this pain. My wife and the counselor keep trying to tell me that the shame I am feeling, the thoughts that I am not a good person, a bad husband, a horrible spouse, a selfish egotistical man are not real. I am not those things. They think that I am a good person who has made a mistake, albeit a humongous one, and I need to see that in myself. They also recognized that I am the only one who can change that perspective. It won’t matter how many times they tell me that, it won’t sink in. My wife got it because I constantly tell her how good of a person, mother, and wife that she is but she does not ever believe me. This has always been how she has been.
I really cannot see myself in a positive light in regards to this. Do I do a lot of good things? Sure, but just as good people can do bad things can’t bad people do good things? So I compartmentalized myself. I am a good dad, well I used to think so. I am a good…….. nevermind. I cannot think of anything off the top of my head. I can’t be a good husband. That is an obvious one because I cheated and was selfish. I hurt my wife worse than any other way I possibly could have hurt her. I diminished her self-esteem to zero and I have made her doubt everything she ever knew in life. So that one is pretty clear. Am I a good dad? Nope, I have ruined so much of my kids lives and I have done something that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Will they ever see me the same? I doubt it. Are they going to look at love and relationship the same ever again? Not a chance. Am I a good man? What kind of man forsakes the happiness of others, jeopardizes his livelihood, the security of his family for selfish reasons? I cannot say that a good man does that. So what does that leave me with? I am not sure.
Now I am not here looking for people to tell me that I am a good person. Most of you only know me through the words I am writing here. You don’t get to see the hurt in the eyes of the people I love. You don’t get to hear the frustration in their voices as they have to go through something again. You don’t have to understand that they are not the person they used to be. They have a shorter fuse, they forget things they never would have forgotten before. You can’t see them be someone else, someone you cannot recognize at times. I get to see all those things. I get to look at myself in the mirror every morning and wonder who I am. I get to look at myself and hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I get to pretend that all is well and that I am not turning myself inside out within my head. No I don’t need reassurance that I am a good person because good people don’t change other people for the worse in their own selfish pursuits.
So now I look to solace in solitude. I can be by myself and think about all that has gone on and what to make of the future. I try and figure out what the best thing is for all the people that I have hurt. The best thing that I can do after all I have put them through is to figure out what is best for them and then go through with it regardless of what that means for me. I want myself out of most equations now because I have caused enough damage now. In the end I need all of them to be happy. I need them to be the best they can be with what is left because it is all I have left.
Keep your mind on your work. You just stay there, you two… – Dr. Seuss