**Update**Keep Your Mind On Your Work. You Just Stay There, You Two…..I Just Would Like To Keep My Mind

I guess I need to clarify a few things on here because of some of the comments I have gotten over the last few weeks.  As I mentioned before this is a place where I use to vent and express my feelings and thoughts.  Most of you get this and are supportive in this endeavor.

What I don’t share very much of is my actions and the way I carry myself throughout my days and weeks and months as I go through with this.  I think this is a big difference because while I feel remorseful, guilty, and shameful, I do not normally act that way as I go about my day.  I cannot afford to.  I understand how my actions (hopefully I get this by now) affect the people around me and so I really try to make my behavior as positive as possible.  If you were a coworker, friend or acquaintance you would not know anything was wrong.  You would assume that I am going about my life as I normally have done.  The only days that I cannot seem to do this are the days I have counseling.  For some reason those days I cannot get over it and I usually just sleep.

I am not a mopey, depressed person if you were to see me.  Even my kids, for the most part, do not see that side of me.  Have they seen it throughout the year?  Yes, but not nearly as much as I feel it.  How do I get by, normally I write.  I throw-up my thoughts and feelings on this site and it helps me be that fun-loving guy that everyone expects.  I can still make jokes and hold a conversation and even smile at the appropriate times.  Does it mean that I feel that way inside?  No, it does not.  But I also know it is worse on the people around me when I act that way.  If I am going to be like that anyway, why make the others around me as miserable as I am?  I see no point.  So I do protect my family from myself.  I protect them from the demons inside me.  I protect them from my pain and my issues as much as I possibly can.  It does leak in every once in a while but then I try to make amends to those that it has affected.

I know many of you probably think this is counter productive but at my current point I don’t see many other ways to go about my life.  I could be a miserable curmudgeon, but I will save that for when I am 70 and chase little kids off my lawn.  Instead I will be what people want to see on the outside as I try to figure out and fix whatever is going on in the inside.

Thought and feelings can be separate from actions and outside perceptions.

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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11 Responses to **Update**Keep Your Mind On Your Work. You Just Stay There, You Two…..I Just Would Like To Keep My Mind

  1. I have a feeling that I came across harshly with my response to your original post. I am sorry for that, but I kind of meant it too. The reason I meant it was because I live it. On the outside, I am a completely together, well-rounded, successful, productive, loving wife, mother and friend. On the inside, I can beat, disrespect, punish, vilify and crucify myself better than anyone else EVER could. So, when I perceive you doing the same thing, I hurt for you because I KNOW how that feels. I want to believe people when they say good things about me, but I just can’t. I KNOW I NEED to , but I still can’t. Reading about you doing the same thing makes me angry, because I know how destructive that can be. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I thought it was easy or judgmental, I was just hoping that I could wake you up and help stop those evil thoughts in your head. I don’t know why I even thought I could, because I can’t silence my own, so how could I possibly help with yours. Just know that there are people out in the world who understand and wish you peace and happiness. I am sorry if I caused any additional angst. That was NEVER my intention. Keep writing, I find it helps too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Don’t fret about it. It is seems to be a regular type of comment and really I understand that I need to change but it isn’t that easy, as you well know. I forgot I was going to do a post of my day showing my actions versus my thoughts as my day goes along. It would be rough but I may still do it. I think it would give people a little insight into how people like the two of us really think.

      You would be surprised how many times people think I am super confident or even overconfident when in reality I am just trying to cover up my own shortcomings and insecurities.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Many of us here do the same thing, fighting the demons on the inside, while all the time on the outside appearing as normal as possible to the outside world. It is so easy for all of us to give advice to each other about it but yet the hardest thing for each of us to do is to take that advice and apply it to our own lives yet we want so much to see each other achieve what we cannot. I throw up all my thoughts on my blog because I made that my outlet or I would have blown up or have gone six feet under. You do what is best for you and your journey, taking it baby step by baby step and sometimes we go backward with hopes to go forward again real soon.

    Like

  3. madamewriter says:

    Props to you for attempting to find positive outlets for growth. I can’t seem to stop self-punishing, how does one come to terms with the wrongs they have committed?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey don’t feel you have to defend yourself here. You’re right we only see one side of you on wordpress, and if this is your outlet to vent and express your negative emotions – of course that all we’ll see. But we forget the people are complex people with multiple sides and in real life, outside of wordpress, only you know everything thats going on. Who you are isn’t defined by just 1 aspect of you, or a moment of sadness, but it’s defined by the cumulation of everything you feel, all your thoughts, your beliefs and actions.

    Thanks for sharing what you’re willing to share already and the openness on here. I hope things continue to improve for you so that the inside will match the positivity shown on the outside.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m with ya man. Just because you are hurting inside doesn’t mean you have to make everybody else miserable. Not sure what kinda comments you’ve been getting but this kinda stuff is between you and your wife, not anybody else. Especially your kids. So, yes, put on the “face” for coworkers, friends, etc if you need to. That’s perfectly fine.

    Like

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