I guess I need to clarify a few things on here because of some of the comments I have gotten over the last few weeks. As I mentioned before this is a place where I use to vent and express my feelings and thoughts. Most of you get this and are supportive in this endeavor.
What I don’t share very much of is my actions and the way I carry myself throughout my days and weeks and months as I go through with this. I think this is a big difference because while I feel remorseful, guilty, and shameful, I do not normally act that way as I go about my day. I cannot afford to. I understand how my actions (hopefully I get this by now) affect the people around me and so I really try to make my behavior as positive as possible. If you were a coworker, friend or acquaintance you would not know anything was wrong. You would assume that I am going about my life as I normally have done. The only days that I cannot seem to do this are the days I have counseling. For some reason those days I cannot get over it and I usually just sleep.
I am not a mopey, depressed person if you were to see me. Even my kids, for the most part, do not see that side of me. Have they seen it throughout the year? Yes, but not nearly as much as I feel it. How do I get by, normally I write. I throw-up my thoughts and feelings on this site and it helps me be that fun-loving guy that everyone expects. I can still make jokes and hold a conversation and even smile at the appropriate times. Does it mean that I feel that way inside? No, it does not. But I also know it is worse on the people around me when I act that way. If I am going to be like that anyway, why make the others around me as miserable as I am? I see no point. So I do protect my family from myself. I protect them from the demons inside me. I protect them from my pain and my issues as much as I possibly can. It does leak in every once in a while but then I try to make amends to those that it has affected.
I know many of you probably think this is counter productive but at my current point I don’t see many other ways to go about my life. I could be a miserable curmudgeon, but I will save that for when I am 70 and chase little kids off my lawn. Instead I will be what people want to see on the outside as I try to figure out and fix whatever is going on in the inside.
Thought and feelings can be separate from actions and outside perceptions.