Oh, the difference a day can make.
Happiness used to live here. It was the first blog I ever read on here. I don’t know that I ever read any blog before that time, but I read it. I read one post and then went all the way back to the beginning. I needed to find out what I was in for with what I have done. I read about how much she hated her husband some days but loved him all the same. How hurt she was and how hard it was to get out of bed. It read it all and it tore me apart.
Why do I bring this up? Well, all of this is from her perspective and also her thoughts and feelings. We all have been there where we have had someone do something stupid or that made you somewhat angry but you work through it without unloading on the person because you have to. It might be a boss or coworker or yes even a spouse.
I took all this anger that she was dealing with, all this hurt and I decided I did not want that for my wife. I wanted her to know how much I knew I screwed up. I wanted her to see how much it hurt me to see her in pain over this. I wanted to be there every time she cried, every time she felt down and I would do what ever I could to lift her up. All of this required me to put her first every time. Did I? I hope so. If she was having a bad day, I wouldn’t. I couldn’t, because she came first. This blog helped me understand what she might be going through and to know that I could very easily be the instrument to speed up her healing or the tool that can destroy her. Here is what I got out of it. Put her first because even if she seems okay she may not be. She may just be putting on a brave face. I also knew not to hide anything. If she wanted to know it I will tell her, but always with the reminder she can never un-know something. I also knew she may never want me again. I have changed her into a different person and she will never be the person she used to be. I have to live with my choices and they will always follow me around. So I will also never be the same. Knowing that means knowing there is a possibility that we may not be right for each other. We may have changed to much.
My wife is doing well, much better than I am. We talk in counseling and she is happy with how we are progressing and how she feels about us. At least I thought so. I guess I still think so to some degree.
Now my last post mentioned how well things have been going and they have on a lot of fronts. Yesterday and today I had counseling. Yesterday’s was with my personal counselor and we talked about how well I am doing and how we really haven’t had much to talk about these last couple of weeks. So we decided that we will not meet for another 3 weeks. As I sat there on the couch and we were talking I could literally feel myself falling. I could feel the darkness inside of me beginning to swallow me. I agreed to the 3 weeks. Why not? Why pay for something I am not getting anything out of?
As I drove home I called my wife so we could talk. She is always worried about me when I come home from counseling because she knows how hard it can be. We talked for a few minutes and then I met her at home. We talked about the session but I continued to feel the darkness getting bigger and bigger. So I laid down and my wife came in and talked. I told her how my counselor asked me where I was at in my marriage. When I asked what he meant, he said that when I came into to see him for the first time I told him that I was 95% sure I was done with my marriage. I only gave myself a 5% chance that I would stay. I could not see the point in staying with someone who was no longer in love with me and did not desire me. He then asked me what I thought today. I told him right now, today I am 100% committed to staying. We talked about what a swing it was and how much of an improvement that was for our relationship. I told her all about this. I asked her what she thought. Where would she put us in being able to make it. What percentage did she give us in succeeding. She told me that she would put it at 98%. 98%. 98%. 90 F***en 8. I still hear it echo in my head. That means 2% of her believes we will fail or that she does not want me. 2%. I did not react to the number, but I think I found the source of my darkness. I think deep down she may still not want this or me. She may have begun to recognize that I cannot be the person who makes her happy. I told her none of this. How could I? She was good with her number. It is a hell of a lot better than my starting number, but I cannot believe how hard that was to hear. She laid with me until I fell asleep. I should have known sleeping during the day was not good because sleep never seems to be my friend. When I woke I felt not better, but worse. I went off to a meeting and after my 5 hour meeting ended I started the 30 min drive home.
As I drove I could feel myself literally losing hope. I called my wife and talked to her for a few minutes. She had someone over and really couldn’t talk, plus how do I talk to her about herself? I quickly ran through my head who else I could talk to. Who is on my list that I can call and talk to that would understand and talk me off the ledge? I only had one number and it was one I can never call again, the OW. I really had the nearly irresistible urge to call her and just talk. I needed to talk to someone. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. So I just drove. I began to feel it coming. I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop shaking. I pulled over just to breathe and calm down. But I could hardly do it, so I just went home.
I took the long way home, not wanting to go home and face it all. After I got home I made some food and then went to bed. I actually turned in before my normal 3:00 am slot. I also drugged up so I knew I would sleep.
Today’s session was our couples session and it wasn’t too bad. In fact I am trying to remember any of it and I cannot. I don’t even remember what we talked about. All I could think about was how alone I was sitting there in that room. After our session and we both got back from doing a couple of things we went up and talked. I told her how I was panicking but how I am trying to stay positive. I really am. She apologized for not talking to me when I called the day before and I told her it was not necessary. I understand that she had a friend over and she would not want to talk if front of her. I had a ton of work so I lost myself in it.
So now I am trying to figure out what to do next. I cannot go to therapy forever and just because I cannot talk to him it should not invoke this level of panic. I think the real issue is the fact that I am so alone. I work a lot and almost every free minute is spent with my family. This leaves me without anytime to “make” friends, which I am not good at anyways. What do I do when I need to talk to someone, I cannot call the OW (that’s a given) and I cannot always talk to my wife so what then do I do? All the while I am thinking 98%.
I don’t know what I expected. 100%? How could she give me that number when I cheated on her? But it does add to that level of uncertainty that builds up the pressure inside of me. It makes me want to hide. I know inside I already am beginning to hide. The darkness has settled back in and it was only 24 hours since I was doing so good. Ride that wave of positivity, right? I think a shark just came and too a big bite out of my butt as I rode the wave. I am still trying to stay positive, but it is so hard sometimes.
I cannot begin to want to understand what is driving the 2%. There is the bad news that I got yesterday that I still have not figured out how to handle and then there was the email from my parents that added to it today. They are in town for the next 3 days and would really like to meet up with us. 98%, bad news, and my parents, the day just gets better and better.
So what now? I just need to try and find the happiness that used to live here. Hell, it was here two days ago. It could not have gone far. But all I know is that it was far enough.
Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark? – Dr. Seuss