It never ceases to amaze me how much things can change in a blink of an eye. Last week was great. Everything was going well. We were doing well working on us. We were getting praised for being such a model couple of recovery. We were flying high and then I derailed us.
I don’t need to go into it again, but I should have just snuggled her. I cannot believe how hard things have been because of that one decision. She got upset, I was flabbergasted but quickly understood my error but there is no going back in time. Then she left the next morning. Two long days for me, I am sure her as well. She comes home on Sunday. I make sure we get a few moments to connect before we get the kids to bed and get ready for the coming week.
Things were still strained, we were both on edge and we cannot come down. She knows I am not sleeping. I am supposed to take Xanax to sleep but she keeps telling me that she thinks that is why I am having lows. She thinks it happens after each time I take it, unfortunately it also lines up with some event that also sets me falling. She doesn’t want me to take it anymore. So I have given up on sleep. At least for now. And then yesterday happened…
I posted twice, all of which I had already talked to my wife about. As I mentioned she thought it would be helpful that I write the letter. I got a few comments, none of which I minded. I like to see the differing opinions. If everyone felt the exact same way then this would be much easier, but because everyone will look at what I wrote differently based on their own life experiences they will have different feelings about what I wrote. And I think one of my therapists has told me everyone is entitled to their own feelings. So comment away, it doesn’t hurt my feelings, not that I have many left anyways. Instead it gives me perspective, it lets me see other views that she may have that I haven’t considered.
Well after we put the kids to bed I helped my wife with somethings and then we talked for a bit. She was upset and she kept getting angrier and more hurt. She told me how she cannot believe that in one year I have destroyed her whole life. Nothing she believed in she can hold onto anymore. She talked about the kids and some of the choices they are making and how she wished she could have taught them better or held better standards. She was referring to a couple of little things, things that most households do and never think twice about it. Then she absolutely blew up…
I knew it would come sometime. I let her go. I let her vent and yell at me. I let her tell me how I ruined all of their lives. I just sat and listened as she told me that all she ever wanted was these things and now I have taken them away from her. It took us over 20 years to build and I destroyed it in less than a year. She told me she wished she could go home, but she can’t because she can’t even imagine the look on her parents face. She cried and cried. I accepted everything she said regardless of whether I believed in what she said or not. I know this will be the topic of conversation tomorrow at therapy. This has been one of our differences since we had kids.
Almost everything she talked about last night hovered around religion. I don’t remember if I mentioned but we have differing views on it. This is a very touchy subject and one I tread lightly on because I see it as a lose, lose if we were to fight about it. So most of the time I just avoid it all together. As she goes off about it last night I wanted to scream and yell right back. I didn’t, it was her time.
After we got engaged we sat down and talked about religion and how we would raise our kids once we had them. We both grew up in the same religion, my family was very rigid in following, almost to fanatical. I never wanted my kids to have to go through what I went through with it. She also did not have the best experience with the religion. So we both agreed that while we liked the values and morals that the religion taught we did not like the guilt and the pressure the religion used. As well as their view of people not of their faith and a “I am better than you attitude.” We both agreed that we know a lot of people who are good people with good values that are not part of the church. We agreed to not raise our kids in the religion but we would teach them how to be a good person because that is who we are, not because we will burn in hell if we aren’t. I told her that there is no way I can go back there. I cannot do it and it would be a deal breaker for me. She had no problems with this, until we had kids. About the same time her family became much more involved and then the pressure was on even though we lived thousands of miles away.
The short of it is I allowed her to take them, but I was having no part in it. I also was smart enough to support what they did (show up for talks and programs…) and also not talk down about it. I wanted them to make their own decisions about the religion and if they did not want to be a part of it I would not make them go.
So, I mentioned that she said she could not imagine the look on her parents face when she told them. What did I think she was talking about? Her telling her parents about the affair. Nope, that wasn’t it. She was talking about her telling them that her kids don’t want to be part of the religion anymore. I couldn’t say anything. I don’t even know how to go about this. She changed on me on a point that she knew I had extremely strong feelings against. She has made changes and stopped going to church about a month before DDay. She decided she did not want to be part of it anymore. I never said anything to her about it. She said she would let my daughter go if she wanted but she wanted out. My daughter goes every now and again but mainly for social reasons. So now she has taken a complete 180.
I am lost on this one. While it is separate from the affair it is also a big part of it or at least the recovery. We are not using faith based counselors and did not even consider them an option. I really don’t know what to do or even how to proceed. If that is truly what she wants then I will have to let her go. I have tried and tried to be as supportive as I can, but I will not go back to that. I can’t go back to that.
Last night I told her I would leave at any point if she asked me to go. And she was free to leave at any point if that is what she wanted to do. She did not say anything to these statements, which was fine. I do not need the answer right now.
So now I am avoiding going home. I did not sleep at all last night. I stayed up and watched her sleep, once I got her calmed down enough to fall asleep, and read a couple of books. I have my counseling tonight and I really don’t know what is going to happen. Last time I saw him things were shitty. Now I am seeing him again and things are shitty. We ran way over last time and had to stop because I had to work. Today I have cleared my schedule and am hoping for a bloody miracle.
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. ― Dr. Seuss