Counseling, counseling, counseling…
I had my session with my guy last night. How did it go? I am not sure. He was a little concerned, okay, maybe really concerned about my lack of sleep and eating. He thinks the 4 hours and under a night is probably not quite enough. Add that to eating once a day and for some reason he does not think that is healthy. He was also a little concerned with some of my recent thoughts, but we won’t get into that today. Plus, I was able to steer him away from that topic.
Anyway we covered a lot but I felt like we got no where. I felt crappy going in and crappy coming out. Other than eat and sleep I didn’t get many recommendations except one other thing which I will mention in a minute.
So we had our marriage counseling today that also did not go well. I went in feeling crappy and came out feeling worse. Even though the counselor said I handled things correctly. I let her vent, I did not get defensive or frustrated and I really did not talk about anything that I disagreed with. No, I was there to listen and understand which is what I did.
We spent almost the entire time talking about religion and she underplayed it all. She went back on some of the things that she said, so now I don’t know what to believe. I said how I felt, that she said I can never give her what she has always wanted. Well, if I cannot ever give her what she wants, what the hell are either of us doing here? She denied saying it and tried to twist the words but it all meant the same to me. And I guess more so, that is exactly how I processed it. She also did not really deny the fact that was how she felt. Then we got to talk about my personal family dynamic growing up. That is a topic that make me happy (feel the dripping sarcasm). It makes me wonder again if I am even wanted. I just left frustrated and lucky me, no counseling at all for two weeks. I am not sure if that will be good or bad. In the end I just want it all to be over.
I do have a big question for everyone. How do I handle when I get directly conflicting advice from my counselors? My individual counselor knows me better and my thought processes but not so much how it will affect my relationship. Our marriage counselor is obviously there to understand the dynamic between the two of us and help foster it and make it grow. So what do I do if I have conflicting advice? I am really, really torn. I do not want to disclose what it is but both counselor consider it significant.
Drugs…I have talked some about the drugs that I take and quite a few people have recommended that I get them sorted out and possibly do some sort of log. So I got an app that lets me put in the medication, dosage, time, and then in the notes I put how I am feeling and any other significant events. I guess I will see what I find out. I am already positive I know exactly how it will end up. But I will wait and see.
So I am not looking forward to the next two weeks. We are honestly back in the same mode that got us exactly where we are. We are roommates again. We talk but not about anything. We organize and we plan for the kids, but we are not romantically involved in any way. All effort has seemed to stop. I just stay up and read because 1. I can’t sleep, and 2. she complains if I go watch TV because we are not together. At least last night I got 3.5 hours. Not all consecutive but it is a step up.
So where do I go from here. I know she has a right to vent and be angry. I am absolutely fine with that, but how do I approach sensitive topics like religion when we disagree so much. I can’t win, but there are also things I will not give in to. I already have sacrificed a lot for so many years and bent over backwards that I can’t do it anymore. It is a very fine line and I feel like blind man trying to follow it.
Can I even worry about myself in all this to move forward? How do I worry about me when I am responsible for such a monumental fuck-up? So tonight I sit here writing. My computer decided to update in the middle of this so I had to start over. Is it s sign? Just start over. How knows? I know I am tired, really really tired. How do I work on something that isn’t what she wants in the end? Am I setting myself for failure? Am I dragging out the inevitable? Do I feel like shit and hopeless? I think this post speaks for itself.
So where do I go from here? Pretend? Act like nothing is wrong? How do I address my issues when her’s are more fresh and hurt more? These are the days I hope I don’t wake up from. These are the days that I dread and I see no end in sight. Yes, you will all tell me to hang in there. I am, but right now it feels like each finger is slipping and I am down to 2 or 3 holding me from falling into the abyss. I just wish I could remember what it is like to smile and actually mean it.
Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry. – Dr. Seuss