Counseling, counseling, counseling…
I had my session with my guy last night. How did it go? I am not sure. He was a little concerned, okay, maybe really concerned about my lack of sleep and eating. He thinks the 4 hours and under a night is probably not quite enough. Add that to eating once a day and for some reason he does not think that is healthy. He was also a little concerned with some of my recent thoughts, but we won’t get into that today. Plus, I was able to steer him away from that topic.
Anyway we covered a lot but I felt like we got no where. I felt crappy going in and crappy coming out. Other than eat and sleep I didn’t get many recommendations except one other thing which I will mention in a minute.
So we had our marriage counseling today that also did not go well. I went in feeling crappy and came out feeling worse. Even though the counselor said I handled things correctly. I let her vent, I did not get defensive or frustrated and I really did not talk about anything that I disagreed with. No, I was there to listen and understand which is what I did.
We spent almost the entire time talking about religion and she underplayed it all. She went back on some of the things that she said, so now I don’t know what to believe. I said how I felt, that she said I can never give her what she has always wanted. Well, if I cannot ever give her what she wants, what the hell are either of us doing here? She denied saying it and tried to twist the words but it all meant the same to me. And I guess more so, that is exactly how I processed it. She also did not really deny the fact that was how she felt. Then we got to talk about my personal family dynamic growing up. That is a topic that make me happy (feel the dripping sarcasm). It makes me wonder again if I am even wanted. I just left frustrated and lucky me, no counseling at all for two weeks. I am not sure if that will be good or bad. In the end I just want it all to be over.
I do have a big question for everyone. How do I handle when I get directly conflicting advice from my counselors? My individual counselor knows me better and my thought processes but not so much how it will affect my relationship. Our marriage counselor is obviously there to understand the dynamic between the two of us and help foster it and make it grow. So what do I do if I have conflicting advice? I am really, really torn. I do not want to disclose what it is but both counselor consider it significant.
Drugs…I have talked some about the drugs that I take and quite a few people have recommended that I get them sorted out and possibly do some sort of log. So I got an app that lets me put in the medication, dosage, time, and then in the notes I put how I am feeling and any other significant events. I guess I will see what I find out. I am already positive I know exactly how it will end up. But I will wait and see.
So I am not looking forward to the next two weeks. We are honestly back in the same mode that got us exactly where we are. We are roommates again. We talk but not about anything. We organize and we plan for the kids, but we are not romantically involved in any way. All effort has seemed to stop. I just stay up and read because 1. I can’t sleep, and 2. she complains if I go watch TV because we are not together. At least last night I got 3.5 hours. Not all consecutive but it is a step up.
So where do I go from here. I know she has a right to vent and be angry. I am absolutely fine with that, but how do I approach sensitive topics like religion when we disagree so much. I can’t win, but there are also things I will not give in to. I already have sacrificed a lot for so many years and bent over backwards that I can’t do it anymore. It is a very fine line and I feel like blind man trying to follow it.
Can I even worry about myself in all this to move forward? How do I worry about me when I am responsible for such a monumental fuck-up? So tonight I sit here writing. My computer decided to update in the middle of this so I had to start over. Is it s sign? Just start over. How knows? I know I am tired, really really tired. How do I work on something that isn’t what she wants in the end? Am I setting myself for failure? Am I dragging out the inevitable? Do I feel like shit and hopeless? I think this post speaks for itself.
So where do I go from here? Pretend? Act like nothing is wrong? How do I address my issues when her’s are more fresh and hurt more? These are the days I hope I don’t wake up from. These are the days that I dread and I see no end in sight. Yes, you will all tell me to hang in there. I am, but right now it feels like each finger is slipping and I am down to 2 or 3 holding me from falling into the abyss. I just wish I could remember what it is like to smile and actually mean it.
Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry. – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
What if you two took a time out? By that I mean is there any chance you can get away for the weekend? Just the two of you. Call time out on all heavy topics. I think what you’re in dire need of is a reset. You’re spinning your wheels on all of this heavy stuff and getting more stuck because of it.
As far as the counselor, I think I would rely on the advice of your individual counselor. He knows you better.
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1. The log probably will confirm what you already suspect. It’s just a tool to use when you’re working with your doctor to find the best course of meds for yourself. It’s a PITA, but once everything’s sorted you’ll be glad you did it.
2. It’s really hard to give any sort of opinion on the conflicting advice without knowing what it is or to what it pertains, BUT I notice that you seem to constantly sacrifice your own emotional and mental health needs in the name of helping your wife. I get that you feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I get that you feel like you need to do a penance of sorts. I get that there are a lot of people around here who think your wife’s pain trumps yours every time, but I just don’t see it that way. I’m not saying you should withdraw support, but isn’t putting all your wants and needs aside partly what got you into this mess in the first place?
My first marriage ended in divorce after my husband cheated on me. That was about 14 years ago. I was pretty devastated at the time, but I’ve had plenty of time to work through all that, and you know what? Looking back I can’t blame him. I played my part in bringing about his affair. There were two people in that marriage, and we BOTH failed.
I didn’t want to write you a novel, but I worry that you may be falling into a pattern of trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal of what it means to be a man and a husband. You can be supportive and strong, but you don’t have to completely destroy yourself to make up for the past.
Maybe right now you don’t feel like you can give yourself permission to take care of some of your own wants and needs before addressing your wife’s. OK. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your kids. You give your wife all the credit for raising them well, but they wouldn’t be as well-adjusted if they didn’t have a strong father figure, too. So be strong and admit that you need-and deserve-to be cared for and valued as much as your wife does. Because you do.
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That’s what I was talking about in my comment the other day. It’s wonderful that u have taken responsibility n continue to but you can’t heal if you’re constantly persecuting yourself for the affair.
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One more thing: setbacks are part of the process. Remember: DON’T PANIC!
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.I think the reality is you can’t make someone else happy when you’re not happy with yourself. You and your wife have been having issues years before the affair, you both where not happy then, and you both aren’t happy now. I think you both have to find a way to be happy first with your own self before you can find a way to be happy together
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Completely agree with other comments. You two can never be happy and fulfilled together if you aren’t as individuals. I’ve said it before, but your marriage resembles mine in SO many ways. And I’ve lived through this. Once we started to work on ourselves, we started to see more change in our marriage. Unfortunate that it didn’t happen until AFTER his affair, but it is what it is.
I think you need to continue being honest with yourself and your wife. If you are unwilling to budge on the religion stuff, that’s ok. Just continue to be honest. Sometimes couples can overcome things like that and “agree to disagree” and sometimes they can’t. But either way, you are both better off being honest about your expectations and limits.
I get the conflicting advice because it happens to me. My individual therapist does talk to me about how my actions, etc affect the relationship and we talk about what my ultimate goals are – and do my actions help me get there. But she’s there for me, 100%. My husband went with me once at my request. I wanted her to meet him, get his side of things, etc in order to better help me. Our couples therapist is more focused on us a couple, obviously. But she doesn’t let us get away with shit as individuals. She calls us both out and pushes us. For the most part, its been good for me. But they have had conflicting ideals on a few things. I think you need to figure out what your end goal is. Then decide what you are willing to do for it. What changes are you willing to make? What sacrifices are you willing to make? Ultimately you have to live with your decisions. Therapists are there to guide us and help us find new ways to cope and lead healthier lives. They really shouldn’t be telling you what to do. They can give advice and show you how certain scenarios may play out, or what you can do to support your wife, etc. But at the end of the day – only you can make your decisions. You are the one that has to live with them. So, what can you live with? What do you want? Answer those types of questions and I think you will find some answers. Hopefully!
You definitely have come to expect the setbacks. They really are part of the process.
Also, have no idea if I’m accurate but keep in mind that your wife is all over the place. She may not even realize what she said. Or maybe she meant it another way and it was miscommunicated. Or maybe she was wrapped up in the heat of the moment and said some shit that at that exact moment mattered. And maybe now it doesn’t. Could be several reasons for her changing her mind. After all, you were involved with someone else and have since changed your stance on the situation. Or maybe it really is important to her and she’s afraid of pushing the issue for fear that she’ll push you away.
You’re both exhausted. Everything seems worse when you are that tired. Find a way to take a time out, even one night. Get a hotel room. Pamper each other and try to not talk about all this crap for a bit. It does help!
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You really, and I can’t stress this enough, you really need to stop bullying yourself now. You are not healthy. Do you want to turn into your wife? Remember how depressed she was and how it all spiralled out of control from then on. Please eat properly, one meal is not enough and so little sleep building up will cause you emotional and psychical problems. You’re getting the help you need, both of you, but it sounds like your in a rut. A rut your both drowning in it seems. I admire how strong you are but I agree, a break might be the kick you both need. At least that way you can find yourself, take care of you and the separation may shock you both into action. Hope it gets better, I really do x
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Please be careful. My husband was eating the same way and he developed a very serious vitamin B and folic acid deficiency. It causes fatigue, mood changes, headaches, dizziness, low libido, memory issues, brain fog and a bunch of other things. I didn’t even know such a thing existed lol. It’s taken 6 weeks of vit B shots and folic acid supplements but he’s doing great now, thankfully.
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Realized a lot. Very easy to fully grasp. Many thanks for posting 🙂
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