“I’m Sorry To Say So But, Sadly It’s True That Bang-Ups And Hang-Ups Can Happen To You…..But The Trick Is To Not Get Hung While Being Banged-Up.

hang-ups1

Sunday when my wife came home from her trip she knew right away that I was not okay.  I had started drinking very early in the afternoon.  Six hours later I was still drinking.  It is not like I was pounding shots and I was not drunk but it definitely helped take the edge off.  She quickly figured out that I was angry, very angry.  Not at her, but at the OW and myself.  The anger is still there actually and it is bubbling today but I have to keep it under wraps for now.

So this post is written because my wife asked me to write it.  She told me I should write her a letter on here so I can try and see why I am so angry.  So I will try.

Dear OW,

I am not sure what to write to you.  I know that you were not alone in the decision to have a relationship with me but I can’t help but feel used and manipulated.  You had just came out of a 5 year marriage that was ended because you had an affair with someone you only knew for a few months.  You told me that in those few months you felt like you have never felt before.  You said you finally felt true love, something you said you never felt before.  All your relationships before him were only platonic and this was real and deep.  You loved many of them but only as much as you love a friend.  Even your first husband you say you really did not love.

But your husband found out about the two of you.  He said end it or leave.  You were scared and you had a young child, so you stayed.  You tried counseling and finally decided to end it when you could not promise him that you would not cheat on him again.  You moved out and then we met.  Your divorce was not yet final but still you were already searching for other men.  I guess that should have been a pretty big sign in and of itself but I missed it.

I don’t know if I really even know you. When we first met you were emotionally closed off.  You said you never wanted to be married again.  You told me that you would never feel like that again and how you had found true love but he would not leave his wife for you.  How he had to end it because your husband threatened to expose him and he would lose his job over it.  We talked and talked and learned things about each other.  Are those things true?  I really do not know.  I think we both painted the picture that we wanted the other person to see, maybe not intentionally but it happened none the less.

You were easy to talk to and because you really had no filter on your communication to me. I felt like you were being truly honest with me because you would say stuff that may offend most people but to me i just thought you were being honest. Maybe you were but I now do not share those same thoughts.  I really think that you told me what you thought I needed to hear to get me out of my marriage.  I told you from the beginning that I was 95% done with my marriage. I no longer felt needed or wanted by my wife, how I was hoping that maybe I could find something that could fill that but be able to still stay married.  You listened to my complaints when I had no one else to talk to, in fact you pushed me to think about my marriage and wife a certain way.  You have me advice based on the idea that you could get me to leave.  I know that a lot of the ideas and rationalization that occurred were guided by you and your experience.  I know I asked for you advice over and over because I had only ever had once relationship.  I had no experiences to draw from and you had an abundance and I trusted you.

I am not blaming you for my affair.  I did it willfully, however, for someone who had just been through an affair and a divorce and saw the devastation that it would cause I would have now thought you would have given better advice.  Instead, you gave the advice in which you could benefit.

You were in emotional and financial disarray when I met you.  You told me that the best type of relationship for you would be with a married man.  You did not want a commitment or the bounds of an exclusive relationship.  You wanted your need to be met but without the day to day hassles a long term relationship brings.  Yet you immediately started pushing for a long-term relationship and convincing me how much happier I would be alone.

I helped you understand your feeling for your kids from your first marriage even though you no longer had contact with two of them.  I helped you understand your second husband and his thoughts about what was going on.  I helped you organize your business and come up with a business model that would be successful.  I helped you in so many ways.  What did you do for me?

I know you misled me in a number of areas and I was a trusting fool.  You had me tell you intimate secrets about myself and my marriage.  You would tell me over and over how great we were as a couple.  How we were perfect.  How you never felt this way about anyone.  You told me that what you felt was true love.  I was your soul mate although you did not believe in them until you met me.  I developed feelings for you that I struggle to comprehend.  I don’t know what to make of them but they are strong, unbelievably strong.  I believed at the time that you had the same feelings for me, yet now I have a hard time believing that you did.  No, you must have seen a attention starved man who was hanging on by a thread and instead of giving me a hand you started to pry my fingers off the ledge.  You showed me pretty pictures of our possible life knowing the whole time it was just a fantasy.  You knew what I needed to hear and you fed it to me.

After all this, after Florida, after us, I am left with a shattered self-image a broken marriage and my life in utter disarray.  I have to wonder how much was real and how much was fiction.  I thought you were truly interested in me but you were not.  You were interested in you. Now I am left with, what?  An image of myself that is worse than when I started.  I am now a cheating husband as well.  While you did not make me do it you provided the opportunity knowing full well I was married.

So what do I have left?  I have questions, lots and lots of questions.  Does my wife really love me? Yes, but it is hard for me to grasp after years and years of hurt. And now I have to process that you never loved me and I was never as good as you made me believe.  I thought that I had crushed you by breaking off contact.  I know I was hurting in so many different and confusing ways.  Instead you had moved on well before we broke it off.  If moving on is even really possible if you were not truly committed from the beginning.  I remember our conversation about your new neighbors and how noisy they were.  Now he is your new victim.

At least you have given me experience.  You have broken down my small town faith in people and given me a world without trust.  Now I look at the family I almost lost and the hurt I have caused my wife.  For what, selfish desires to be wanted and desired by someone.  I am working to build that back with my wife. She is amazing in her ability to forgive and work out our/my issues.  You wanted to stay friends.  You wanted to still communicate and be there for each other.  Well, I am going to have to decline that request.  You are not good for me or for my wife and family.  I really wish you find whatever it is that you are looking for and that you are happy in the end.

With each passing day I hope you fade farther and farther away from my conscious thoughts.  That I can listen to music again without wanting to throw up or smash the radio to bits.  That I can drive past your town without panicking.  That I can do the thing I used to enjoy that I shared with you and now only bring me pain.  I would wish the same for you but it is clear I am far from your thoughts and you have no pain from our relationship.

Well, this is the last thing you will ever hear or see from me.  I am going to block all types of communication in hopes that it will help me heal.  I am going to move on.  I am going to try and piece my life back together but I know I will never have what I had.  It will be different, I am different, my wife is different but maybe just maybe we can be better.

~B

The letter stills feels so inadequate in expressing how I feel.  I want to go through every moment and find out which were real and which were just a farce.  I want to know really how she felt about me.  I want to understand….  I think that is what keeps me focused on this.  I just don’t understand.  I am the type of person who has to know how things work, I need to understand who, what, where, when and why.  I need to be able to explain it to myself and put it to rest.  As long as I don’t understand I will have a hard time letting it go.  It will be a puzzle that I will obsess about and need to find the answer.  Hopefully, I can find that answer within myself and that will be enough.

“I’m sorry to say so but, sadly it’s true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you. – Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, May 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to “I’m Sorry To Say So But, Sadly It’s True That Bang-Ups And Hang-Ups Can Happen To You…..But The Trick Is To Not Get Hung While Being Banged-Up.

  1. KcRambles says:

    I’m sorry and I might sound harsh or to blunt.
    What good will it do if she tells you yes I loved you. Or Yes, it was all a lie, I fed you a line because I’m a Narcissist? What good will it be knowing what went through her mind in those stolen moments with you? I know it is hard to move fwd when there is no closure. Perhaps she thought she felt what she told you. And she is free to move on, some people have an easier time in doing so. There is no good in dwelling in the what if’s the what were’s. The clearest thing to understand is that you were in a vulnerable situation when you met her. You fell. You lived an adventure if we must see it that way. You had a new illusion, and it is so easy to lose oneself in the freshness of illusions. You wanted to feel love and wanted. She gave you all that. But now it is over. She must live with her demos, as you. But look forward as hard as it is. Maybe in talking out of my butt, and I’m sorry if I am but yeah. *shrugs*

    Liked by 5 people

    • RatherBeMe says:

      You are absolutely right. It makes NO difference. There is NO truth. There is NO closure. There is only fantasy.
      You can take that fantasy and stretch it any which way you want, after all, it’s just a fantasy.
      Being a nice, neat, tidy, organized guy is just another way of saying you are holding on to the affair.

      Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      No it makes sense. I reread it a couple of times and it makes things more clear to me. I was angry when I wrote it but most of it doesn’t matter. I am the one who needs to move on and let go.

      I do have other issues with it but I will save those for now.

      Like

  2. KcRambles says:

    I’m* talking out… not in..

    Like

  3. sassygirl40 says:

    As much as you may want answers, I don’t think you will be satisfied with any you are given. If she is a woman you no longer trust, would you even trust what she tells you now? Perhaps she did love you. Perhaps she wanted you to leave your wife but knew you wouldn’t, so that is why she decided to replace you. Maybe she meant everything she said, and she is hurt at your decision to end things so she made it obvious on her Facebook she has moved on,so that she could hurt you None of that changes your decision to work on your marriage. It’s important not to too much time and energy to these thought, it only makes it harder.

    Liked by 3 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      I agree, it was just nice to get it out. I am still angry but more at myself than anything else. But now I need to move on.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sassygirl40 says:

        It’s hard. I had been so angry for awhile at my affair partner for all the “lies” he told me during our affair. Someone on another website pointed out to me that perhaps in the moment he meant them, and it wasn’t really “lies”..but that it was more thoughts and feelings from that moment in time. When I feel stuck by the thoughts of the past I just acknowledge them now and try to bring my thoughts back to the present.
        Keep moving forward.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Eve says:

    I typed a response, but I fear this one might just be somewhat too harsh for you to really hear. If you ever want to hear it though, I’ve saved it. To put it mildly: I think you might want to reread this letter and try to see if you could discover any instances where you indadvertedly still shift the blame to the (perceived) motives, behavior or actions of your affair partner instead of owning it yourself?

    Liked by 3 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      You are more than welcome to send me the harsh response. I am not on here for flowers and butterflies. I like it when people tell me exactly like they see it. It helps me focus on what is important.

      As for shifting blame, I agree the letter does sound that way and I do blame her to some degree but not near as much as I blame myself. I am and will always be the person most responsible for the affair. I am the one who went looking. I am the one who put myself in the situation to be taken advantage of and live in fantasy land. I allowed and even encouraged it at times. Am I angry that she probably knew exactly how it was going to end and should have pushed me away. Yes she should have, but I really think I would have just moved to someone else.

      I wanted it to be real, I know it is not, but I wanted it to be. Why? One of the main reasons I did it was because I had no self-esteem. I was searching for attention and it really makes it worse to know it was not real. So the boost I got was not real and now I am back where I was and lower because of everything that has occured. Am I working on it, yes, but it still sucks.

      But my wife told me today as we were talking about it that I still got the boost even if it was temporary. Now we have to find a way for me to feel good about myself here with her. I know I can eventually but we have a lot of work to do.

      Like

  5. Eve says:

    just saying…

    Like

  6. Anonymous says:

    This letter was well written. I think it was a good suggestion from you wife, and something you needed to do to in order to sort through your thoughts and emotions. I don’t know why you are being judged harshly here for a cathartic exercise, as I think from your previous posts you have taken much responsibility for your actions. I hope in writing this, you have been able to let go some of the anger and bitterness towards her and yourself. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks! That was my goal. It is never something I would ever send. It is a healing exercise suggested by my wife and I wrote how I feel, regardless if it is right or wrong.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Anonymous says:

      And to clarify, the way I read the letter is that you’re angry at the OW for making you feel used and manipulated. I don’t see that you’re blaming her for you having an affair at all – you’ve taken responsibility for that. You’ve listed the things she’d said and do that made you feel that you were important and that she wanted a relationship with you, that it was “special”. And for her to “cheat” on you, you’re wondering what’s “real”. Regardless of whether these emotions are justified or if it makes sense, that was how you felt. That’s a very human reaction, and is probably what your wife has to go through as well: how could you you cheat on me if you loved me, how was our relationship special, how much of it was real? This was, as you’ve clearly stated, an exercise your wife suggested you do to get your thoughts and emotions into words as a therapeutic exercise to gain insight – not an actual letter to be sent to instigate communication, nor a justification/blame shifting of your actions.

      Take care of yourself and focus on what matters now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anonymous says:

        damn… wrote this comment after you’ve already replied. Sorry, I felt a bit indignant at some of the comments you were getting. Sorry if I crossed a line here.

        Like

  7. You feelings are just simply that… feelings. They aren’t right or wrong, they are just what you feel.

    Get it out. Keep writing those letters until you have said everything you need to say and as many times as you need to say it.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Ash says:

    I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but your words are similar to the the words my friend has been using as of late.
    I’ll link you to him, take a look if you like – I sent him your blog because I thought it might interest him as well.

    https://sheermasterpiece.wordpress.com/2015/05/12/marriage-councilling/

    As for the letter to the OW, your wife was smart to suggest writing to her – it helps channel the thought process and, in your case, anger. I hope it helps, and I am sending you and your wife good thoughts and vibes so that you may both come out of this more in love and stronger than you ever dreamed.

    Like

  9. As the character from “Frozen” says, “Let it go.” ❤️

    Like

  10. 333smp says:

    What a real, heartfelt letter. I don’t read it as you shifting blame. To me it sounds like you want/need to understand. I’m like that too. Great post! Your wife was wise to suggest it.

    Like

  11. There’s no “closure” with relationships. It’s a big lie. You vented. Now you need to let it go. She made her choice. Let it GO…..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. BecHanson says:

    You had an affair, you were married, the OM wasn’t. You say she moved on too quickly and you were upset because it overlapped with your ‘relationship’ with her, seriously? How long did you expect her to mourn her time with a married man? You say she moved on too quickly after her divorce, are you serious? You were married and and sleeping around, you’re judging her? At least she was divorced!
    Remember you contacted people online and then stopped when they wanted to meet, those people may have been legitimately looking for someone to have a relationship with but you were a bored married man just playing with them for your entertainment.
    You deliberately lied to OM at the start telling her your marriage was over but it wasn’t. You can’t make her out to be the villain in all of this, it also sounds like she had a lot of difficulty in her life, possibly she didn’t want to get into a relationship because of all the pain she associated with them?
    I get that you want this to work and you and your wife are doing the hard yards, but OM was just doing exactly what you wanted her to do, what did she do for you? She entertained you, titilated you, validated you, gave you sex, all the things you wanted at the time and when it didn’t suit you anymore you ran home to your wife.

    Like

  13. Quizzical says:

    *Phew* Heavy .. well done .. A wandering eyes will come with the baggage. “Don’t fix what’s not broken” .. this letter seems fuel enough not to go there again. You are conscious enough to be the stronger person to learn from your mistakes and grow from them. Things that tempt are usually magnificent from afar but to want it for your own will alter it’s true purpose. The game changes. A rose with a thorn.

    Like

  14. tsdelacruz28 says:

    I could REALLY relate to this. My journey was interrupted by by someone who I now know is a narcissist and sociopath (narcopath)! You and I were vulnerable and vulnerable people are like prime rib to those types. Unfortunately, my narcopath was the last person I would have ever guessed would do that to me. Tell me the haunting memories and songs fade away!!!!!

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      I had to go back and reread this post as it was from a while ago. All that I wrote still haunts me but I am surprised I never caught on that I was just something to be used and thrown away. I still struggle everyday but I/we are trying to build something new, something different that we can enjoy again. It is hard but the path to get here wasn’t exactly easy either. Thanks for reading. There is so much more for you to read if you want.

      Like

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