First off, I would like to thank anyone who answered my questions from yesterday’s post. They all gave me somethings to think about. Now on to today.
Do you ever get the feeling that it is all going along just too smoothly? I have had that feeling for a while now. I get it mostly because I thought that my wife would be more upset and angry for a longer period of time. Well after my post yesterday, I believe it is starting to come out and frankly I am not sure I want to deal with it.
She has seemed off since I got home from my trip. Yesterday I came home and she was taking a nap. I let her sleep not wanting to bother her. She was going to get up and walk down to get my youngest of the bus. That time came and went and I went down and got him. I went in to check on her and she just asked for 5 more minutes. This went on for two hours until she had to get up and take my son to practice. I had fed everyone and got the dishes done and house somewhat cleaned. Then I needed to do some work that I had brought home with me because I am so behind.
I worked on my stuff until it was bedtime for the two who were home. I got them all in bed and was back to doing my work when she got back. She saw all that I did and packed lunches for my kids and then I said I was going to go watch a little TV to unwind and she went to bed. I decided my time would be better spent with her than in front of the TV so I got my book that I am reading and went to bed with her. She kept telling me that I could go watch TV but I wanted to be with her. I am not sure why, but I felt like I was a puppy who had just chewed up a pillow. I still have that feeling. I felt like I was in trouble but I didn’t know exactly what set it off. What was the trigger? I asked her what was wrong, as I had the day before and yesterday off and on and she kept telling me that nothing was wrong. She finally told me how angry she was and how much of a failure she thought she was. She listed all the things she is failing at, I think to convince me that I shouldn’t want her. She was mad at me, really angry at the OW, but also she felt like she could never match up to what I want.
She told me she can never be what I want. She will never want to do the things the OW (not sexual, just activities) liked to do. She also isn’t one of those people who will go to the bar. She thinks I want someone exactly like the OW and that won’t be her.
I tried and tried to convince her that if I wanted the OW I would be there but I chose her, I chose us. She didn’t believe that for one minute. She said I am trying to turn her into something she is not. This made me angry. Really angry. I am not a yeller or screamer and I can remain calm even though I am seething inside. I reminder her that I never once asked her to change. She is the one who decided to make the changes she did even before the affair. I never once told her she ought to do something. She said we are just settling right back into the pattern that drove me to the OW so I should not stay. The more she talked the angrier I got. It did not matter what I said so I just listened for a while. She told me of her hate for the OW, her desire to ruin her and the only reason she doesn’t is because it would hurt me.
Finally I had enough. I really wanted to get out of bed and sleep somewhere else but I stayed and told her that we may be falling back into those patterns but we are recognizing them and now and we know where they lead and can make a change. She got this, finally. Then she went to sleep.
Here is my biggest problem and I have had it since she started to make changes to herself. I told her that I would support her in what ever she wanted to do for herself but she should not change herself for me. It would be the quickest way to failure. She needed to want to do it for herself. I have had a suspicion that she has done all these things mostly for me and only a little for herself. She pretty much said that is what she did last night. It hurt me, made me angry, and now I don’t even want to go home.
I read an article that was sent to me and added it to some of the comments I have been getting and I know I need to be there for her more than she needs to be there for me. I get that, she did not ask for any of this and the affair and the hurt it cause rests fully on my shoulders. So I will try. I don’t know how, as it is hard to even write all this without the anger getting through. I want her to be happy. That’s it. If she does not like the changes she made then she should change back. I just want to see her happy. It is all I have ever wanted. It is the most painful feeling in the world to watch someone you love wilt away.
I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could solve her problems. I wish I even knew how to make her happy. This is a game I will never win. If I time everything right I can not be home at the same time as her until she is asleep. That sounds stupid, childish, and weak but I cannot break down again. How can I be strong for her if I cannot even hold myself up? It is conversations like this that help push the panic in me that she will just up and leave. I will just come home and she will be gone.
In the end I know I will go home and talk with her. It will end in tears and we really won’t accomplish anything. We will be right back in this same spot in a few weeks. I read somewhere that this “stage” of recovery can last 2 to 3 years. I don’t know that I could make it 2 or 3 years feeling like this. I know I couldn’t make it that long. Oh, what to do when you can never win….
I’m afraid sometimes you’ll play lonely games too,games you can’t win because you’ll play against you
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
Have you told her how you feel? That you are afraid she will leave? Have you told her that you want her and need her? Have you told her you will be there for her to hold and hug when she needs? She really needs you there now more than ever even if it seems she is pushing you away. She is hurting. Hurt that you caused her. It is such a confusing place to be for her right now. Her self-worth and security are in the toilet because if your actions. You need to help her regain that security and trust in you. I can believe it will take quite a long time because of all that was destroyed. Hang in there if you truly do want to reconcile and have a stronger marriage at the end of all of this.
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I have not talked to her about my anger but I have told her about my fear of her leaving. The biggest part of that fear is she is 100% justified in leaving.
My anger is mostly aimed at myself. So I don’t really want to talk about it because I don’t want this focused on me. I need to focus on helping her. I can compartmentalize this anger and push it away. I figured out last night that I lost a good friend in all this. The kind of friend that you tell every thing to no matter how hard or embarrassing. The kind that will do the same with you. For me it was the only person I really trusted and really cared for me. It was my wife. I don’t think either of us will get that back completely.
It really makes me sad that I did all this…FML
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But in order to heal – you are BOTH agonised – both the betrayed and the cheater need to be completely honest about feelings. Anger is a feeling. Self-directed, sure, but it is a feeling. Supressing it is unhealthy. You need to learn to express it in a healthy way. I know how badly mine hurts due to his selfishness. He is agonised. And I get it. What he chose for us. How his actions have utterly ruined my sense of worth and my feelings of success. I thought we were an incredibly successful couple, but all I see as I look back on my life is failure. That is what fifteen months of fucking my “friend” did to my life. I am gutted for him. We never seem to fully realise how important another person’s self worth can be totally fucked by our own selfishness (I did!) Dealing with your wife’s depression is making all of this magnified even more 😦
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Reblogged this on My Life is a Soap Opera and commented:
I read this post and wonder if this is what my husband is thinking too? I am right there with your wife. My self-esteem is in the slime bucket. I only am lucky to know how I feel from one moment to the next. I’m not viewing my feelings as me playing a game, it’s just how horrible and self-loathing I feel because my husband couldn’t frickin figure out how to ask for more help when he needed to and instead stayed selfish and sought comfort and attention in the arms of another. That action alone has destroyed my complete sense of self because my husband was the ONE person who wasn’t supposed to hurt me at all ever. How do I come to terms with what he did? I have no idea! I just know I am in unrelenting emotional pain and want it to stop. I don’t know how to make it stop. I know I do need to feel appreciated and wanted and beautiful by my husband. I wish he would adore me like he used to when we were first dating. I want to feel special to him.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this rejected ugly person who was not good enough for my husband despite everything so had sacrificed and tried to convey in our marriage. My husband was the one who was unhappy and lost. I’m so glad he has found happiness now but he destroyed me completely to get that happiness. What is left for me? Where is my happiness?
Talk to your wife. Plead with her if you must. She needs to know and see you are remorseful for your actions and that you truly are willing to do anything to save your marriage to her because you love her and she is that important to you.
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How do I do that without seeming needy? Without putting my needs in front of her’s. I struggle with that. I feel like I need to help her heal before I can even try and work on myself.
And thank you for sharing your experience. I personally would find all this harder if I had left. My imagination would eat me alive wondering how you were doing. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. I truly hope you have a good support system around you that reminds you constantly that you are loved and important.
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Here’s the thing, compartmentalizing does not help your marriage. You need to trust your wife enough to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings. She can’t read your mind. She also probably feels that you WERE vulnerable with the OW, and you are still not able to be with her. If you don’t trust her after she has shown you she will try to overcome this, then when will you trust her? Hang in there, and you can never remind her that you want her and are choosing her too many times. Jules
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I can see your point. In a way I am rationalizing it by burying it while I help her. But it might help her to see it because then she sees that I am open to her and will trust her with my feelings. I know we both have lost a lot of trust in each other through this ordeal but I will never get any of it back if I cannot give it myself.
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I wish I had a support system. I really have no one. Both of my older sisters and one brother had affairs so they are out and we’re not really close anyway. My mom tries to understand seeing as how she has been betrayed but she doesn’t understand how I’m feeling and her plate is more than full. I have a couple of acquaintances but we’re not really friends. I only have my husband to see what a pitiful crying mess I am now to help me through and it’s not working anymore. As for you and seeming needy? There is nothing I see wrong with that since you would be putting your wife first. Tell her you need her because she seems to be in a far away place right now. I know I am and am contemplating how on earth I can even stay married to a man that betrayed and hurt me to my core. I would never ever have chosen to marry a man who had cheated so why do I have to accept it now? This is a bitter huge pill to learn to take, at least for me, maybe for your wife too. I am fighting against the very values of myself because of the loss of trust in my husband. Do you two have counseling? My husband said we need to go but I am terrified after having been traumatized by 3 other marriage counselors before. I would rather see him go and work on how to help me and help himself. That would then spill over to help us in the long run but he refuses. Please know that I thank you for sharing your experience because I have no idea what it is like to have betrayed someone you love.
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I am sorry you do not have a support system. I also only have my wife and right now it is difficult to use her. I have not spoken to my family in years and have no interest in ever speaking to them again. So I understand how isolated you can feel.
I will say the thing that has helped the most is getting my own counselor. One she will never see herself. She also got one for herself and now we have a third that we will see together.
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I completely agree with this comment. It is exactly how I feel about my Disney Dad who cheated on me. I am sorry to say but I don’t think there is anything he can ever do to win me back (not that he is trying). Once the trust is broken, it is very hard to get it back. xoxo
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I completely understand. We talked last night and trust was one of the things we talked about. We both agreed that we will never get it fully back ever. It will slowly grow over time but it will never be back where it was.
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You are lucky that she is willing to try to get it back. She must really love you. Positive thinking and hopefully it will all turn out well!!xoxo
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Thank you…
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I can identify with your wife. My self esteem is zero. I never think of myself as attractive but I am petite and only weigh around 100 pounds and I have always taken care of my appearance. The OW is 4years older than me, overweight, has piercings and tattoos. If he was attracted to that what is there left for me to do. I just feel ugly and useless. Lately I have been to ill to do anything whereas I normally do everything at home. I told my husband that he probably found someone else because of my previous bout of ill health. As I see it I am failing to care for him properly so he will go and have another affair. I wish I could tell you how to make your wife feel differently but maybe this is something only we can fix.
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I am thinking it is both. While you can fix it yourself I would hope that someone helping reinforce the positive image would make it easier and would not take as long. But they would have to be sincere in their effort or it would just make it worse. And you would have to be open to the help and trust that it is sincere.
After writing all that I can see how difficult it would be coming off a complete breakdown in trust.
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It’s just going to take time I should think. Just keep doing what your doing is all I can advise.
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Thank you!
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You’ve mentioned before that your wife is dealing with depression, and the comments about sleeping all the time seem to line up with that.
My opinion is that the affair and attempting to recover from it is only one of the problems you are dealing with at the moment. Depression is another, and the two feed off each other and make any healing all the more difficult.
I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but there is a book called “Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and what you can do to Preserve the Bond” by Anne Sheffield. When you love someone who is depressed, it can be very, very difficult. Not only does it take a toll on the relationship, but the depression can damage and wipe out the very feelings that many of us think as love.
I’ll make a guess that the toll of years of a relationship to someone who is clinically depressed were contributing factors to the affair. Have the two of you ever really talked about the depression and how it impacts the relationship?
I wish I knew how to get to a better place. I know a number of people who with a depressed partner. Some give up, while others don’t.
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We have not talked much about it until recently. I think the stigma associated with depression made it hard for both of us to get help. I have always thought, jus be happy if your depressed. Now I am well aware of how difficult that is, nearly impossible.
I will look up the book though. Hopefully it will help some.
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There’s a lot of stigma with mental health issues, that’s for sure. National mental health week is coming soon, and I plan on having a post or two in my own attempts to break down that stigma.
Recently I read that in marriage counselling, over 80% of couples show signs of a mental health problem. That’s huge.
I’ve spent a lot of time learning about mental health. I used to think it meant someone was “crazy”, and I’ve learned it’s quite different from that.
However mental health issues (of which depression and anxiety are the most prevalent) lead to characteristics that really do break down loving relationships.
I think that more than anything else, mental health issues are probably the biggest contributors to relationship breakdown.
Sadly, most of them are treatable or at least manageable. But due to the stigma that comes with being labelled as “mentally ill” most people suffer in silence.
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Please know, too, that mental health issues are just that: health issues. If your wife can get to a place where she doesn’t stigmatize herself then she can get access to treatments that will help. If she was suffering from diabetes or some other ailment considered to be purely physical she wouldn’t hesitate to get help.
Her fatigue and lack of motivation to even engage with your children are huge red flags that she is indeed suffering from depression, and I truly hope–for both of you–that she finds some relief.
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Thanks, I hope she will accept it as well. I believe that her medication needs to be altered and that would help but she has to be the one to make that decision with her doctor.
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Know that how you both feel right now isn’t how you will feel forever. Its overwhelming when you look at the whole picture, so take it a day at a time. I agree that your wife is depressed. I’ve struggled with my own depression. Its a living hell and damn near impossible to dig yourself out. She doesn’t want to feel that way I promise you. She just doesn’t know how to stop. Due to the depression, and your affair, she feels worthless. Unlovable. Unworthy. She doesn’t love herself so can’t believe that you could love her, especially after an affair. You can tell her that you don’t want her to be the OW, but you did chose the OW for some time. Its impossible for us BS to not compare ourselves and think that the OW is exactly what you want. In our minds we feel that if the OW wasn’t so great, why were you involved with her? It takes time and work to get past that. Even the healthiest man or woman would be shattered by an affair. Couple that with some depression and self worth issues and its a disaster. The good news is, there is help and things can change. Has she seen a therapist? Have you gone together? I am a HUGE advocate of therapy. Its helped me overcome depression (before I learned of my husband’s affair) and its helped tremendously in the aftermath of learning of his affair. I was on meds for a little while. I was resistant at first. I’m stubborn and proud. But I just knew I needed help and there was no shame in getting it. Getting help was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. If she won’t go willingly, talk to some professionals on ways to help get her there. She needs to have support and learn how to re-program her brain and teach herself that she is worthy. One saying I’ve picked up is that my value doesn’t depreciate because someone else doesn’t appreciate me. She is in a really dark, lonely place right now. Once she sees her worth and gets some confidence she’ll be in a much better place to heal.
You can help. I know you don’t want to make it about you – and that’s good. However, she needs to hear that you are angry with yourself. She needs to hear – and see- your remorse. She needs a sincere heartfelt apology (even if you’ve already done it – do it again). I can appreciate that you have your own set of pain, my husband does too. And its hard to balance both of our issues. My opinion is talk, talk, talk. You can’t over communicate. Listen to understand her, not just defend yourself. I would recommend rephrasing questions. Instead of what’s wrong (you know what’s wrong -she’s devastated that you cheated), ask what you can do to help. I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain. My actions were selfish and wrong. I know its too late, but what can I do to help? That would go along way. I swear its a delicate balance of being present and giving her some space. Follow her lead. Try and keep communication open. Let her be angry. She needs to get all these emotions out or she will never truly move on. Try and find some ways to help her with her anger. I took some glasses and threw them against the basement wall one night. My husband came down and cleaned up after me. We’ve gone to the shooting range. I started going to a boxing class. With your wife being depressed, its going to be harder to get her to do stuff. Just keep trying. Keep asking her what she needs. Accept the anger and her lashing out. Just keep telling her you are sorry. Show her with actions that you care about her and love her. I like to relax in a hot bath. My husband has run a hot bubble bath for me. Then made sure our daughter leaves me alone. If that’s not her thing – what is? What can you do to make the situation better?
If you aren’t willing to put in the work and give her time to grieve and heal, do yourselves a favor and leave now. I’m guessing you don’t mean it when you say you aren’t sure you want to deal with it. I’m guessing you are in pain and frustrated. You are ready to move on and re-build your marriage. Here’s the thing, you’ve had time to process all this. After all, you’ve lived it. You know what the truth is. Your wife doesn’t. And this wasn’t “done” to you. Your wife was an innocent bystander to your affair. The devastation, pain and anger takes time to heal from. It takes consistent actions on both of your parts to truly heal. She has some work to do in this as well, don’t get me wrong. But you can be the catalyst here. You can be the change you want to see in your marriage.
My comments are in no way judging you. Just my honest opinion as someone who has been through both depression and being cheated on. My best advice – get professional help if you haven’t already and communicate constantly. Good luck to you both!!! I hope some of my comments are helpful.
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We are both seeing separate therapists and we are now heading to our 4th counselor together. We had issues with the 3 previous ones this one specializes in infidelity, marriage, and sex issues so we hope she will be the one.
I really like your comments as I am trying to do a lot of the things you mentioned already. I know we are in an dark place, it is just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time…
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I’m glad you are both seeking help. And not giving up just because you haven’t found the right therapist yet. It is a dark tunnel. And it can be void of any light at times. For her too. It definitely is one day at a time.
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Also, I hope you realize that YOU can’t make her better. She has to do that work herself. Its something my husband struggled with for years as I suffered depression in silence. He so badly wanted to “fix” me and make me better. The way you talk about your wife is very similar to how my husband talks to me. My husband took my depression very personal and internalized it. I urge you not to do that if you are. You have contributed to her depression before and after your affair. You can do things to help her. But ultimately, she is the only one that can do the work to dig out of her depression.
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She has been dealing with this well before the affair and you are right I have tried everything to “fix it”.
It is frustrating watching someone you love fall to pieces and you can do nothing to stop it.
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I can only imagine. I only know from listening to my husband talk about it. You can just encourage her and let her know you care. Is her personal therapist and your couples therapist aware of the depression? Has it been addressed? If not, I would definitely bring it to their attention. Even if you do it privately. She may be more responsive to a professional than you. I know if my husband came to me and said “I think you’re depressed and need help” I would have lashed out at him. It was completely different coming from my therapist.
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That is a good idea. I will try and talk with the therapist we see together because she already questioned the medication she is on and said she might want to try a different anti-depressant.
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It’s a man thing to want to fix things for their woman. It’s a woman thing just to want her man to listen so she can work out how to fix it for herself.
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You do NOT need to “be strong” for her… that is the opposite of what she wants; you being in control. She is falling apart. What she wants, from my point of view, is to see YOU hurt. To see YOU vulnerable. The only thing she needs is for you to be honest, faithful completely, and to see you suffer REAL suffering… not saying “This makes me sad/mad/angry” WORDS but to see you struggling with the deeply traumatic betrayal you put on her. She is highly intuitive right now. No matter how hard you try to not show an emotion, she sees it. She doesn’t trust you, nor should she… you “being strong” is a lie. Every time you get angry and hold it together instead of being REAL, it is a lie.
You cannot expect her to be open with you when she sees that YOU WON’T, every day. No real connections can be made anymore like that… she’s not giving you anything until you show her that you’re willing to not be in control. That you’re willing to be weak and vulnerable. That she’s worth opening up to…
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And LET those emotions get red hot, if that’s how it turns… from both of you. No “Keep it down/We’ll do this another time/I need a minute/Get yourself together/The kids are here” BS. Let it all out, as it comes. Why? Because it’s RAWly honest… and that’s something she NEEDS. And something you need to be.
You are not in control of this marriage or her recovery. You are in control of yourself only. YOU need to change.
No matter what you say about her changes (or the lack thereof) NOT being the cause of your betrayal, the fact is that you did it. You voted against her and your marriage with your actions. That is the truth. If you didn’t WANT to do it, you simply WOULD NOT have… but you did. You CHOSE to betray her. You CHOSE to hurt her. You CHOSE to question her entire life from the moment she met you. How could she not take that personally? You did those horrible things to the Her She Was Then.
She might be thinking… “What’s the damn point in trying to be Someone He Loves anymore? He isn’t being honest with me. I’m not worth being honest with, perhaps? What’s the point in trying, even for myself?” I know I do.
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I agree with you. I did chose all those things in place of my wife. I have never run from that fact. I know it does not matter what came before in my marriage because I made the conscious decision to do what I did. All the things before can hardly be called conscious decisions. SO I am taking all responsibility for this affair. She sometimes tries to say that what she did in our marriage led to me having an affair and every time I remind her that is not the case. She may had contributed to a rough patch in our marriage but she in no way contributed to making the decision to look elsewhere. I will not let her try and carry that when it is not hers to carry.
Do we still have other issues in our marriage? You bet. Are we working on them? Yes. But I will never believe that they led to the affair. They just led to my unhappiness and I could have made 1000 different decisions that would have been much better and the fact is I didn’t. And that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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I do try and show her my emotions and I can guarantee that she sees me suffering. I don’t like talking about it but she reads me without my words. I just want to be there when she needs it and be under control of myself so I don’t try and control the situation.
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Suffering from the realization of the massive betrayal you’ve put upon her is miles away from being Sad/Bummed/Feeling Sorry for Yourself.
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I agree. Those words are almost inadequate to explain how hurt she really is because of my decisions. I am not trying to belittle the emotions she is feeling. I recognize that fact. What I want is to find a way to help her heal without destroying myself in the process. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, I just won’t be any good to her in the end if I am a shell of the person I used to be.
I am trying very hard to place her needs above mine and making sure she knows that I will be here even if she hates my guts right now. It is hard because the shame and guilt are difficult to manage some days. That is why I say that I want to try and bury all my issues right now so I can focus on her healing. I do not want to be portrayed as a victim in all of this. I am far from a victim and while I do think I was played a little by the OW, I still chose to do what I did.
So right now I just want to she her that I chose her and I want to handle her needs without mine getting in the way but it is difficult.
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“What I want is to find a way to help her heal without destroying myself in the process. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, I just won’t be any good to her in the end if I am a shell of the person I used to be.”
That is EXACTLY what you need to do. You need to be destroyed over this… the ONLY good you’ll be to her – the only good you’ll be to YOURSELF, even – is if you ARE only the shell of the person you used to be. Everything inside? That was the stuff that MADE UP the person who shattered everything she held sacred in the world. You absolutely CANNOT be that person, if you want a future with her.
“That is why I say that I want to try and bury all my issues right now so I can focus on her healing.”
Your issues have been buried enough, wouldn’t you say? That was the problem. You didn’t let her know who you really were until she’d let you in enough to destroy her. UNburying those issues ARE what will bring her healing.
“So right now I just want to show her that I chose her and I want to handle her needs without mine getting in the way but it is difficult.”
It’s difficult because it’s contradicting behavior. It cannot be done. Her needs don’t need to be HANDLED, they need to be met. Her needs are standard and normal and good. Honesty, truth in every sense (yes, even when it’s ugly), and to trust the person she has committed to. It is ONLY your needs that are in the way… your “need” to focus on her instead of yourself, not truly understanding that honesty is all she needs. She needs to be let into the reality of YOU, so she can make decisions based on something REAL… even if that means that she cannot handle being open to and investing in who you really are. You hid it and are still hiding for a reason. You don’t like it either… but she made a vow – and MEANT it, always has – that she would be one WITH you. Not the you that you showed her. That’s living a lie. She’s realizing that she was investing all of herself in a man she doesn’t know. A man who isn’t willing to be who he really is… for whatever reason. That’s crushing… that the person you’ve trusted with all of you – good and bad – has not and is not doing the same. She’s AFRAID to give you anymore, rightly so. She’s seen what you did with her vulnerability already. Why offer more? So you can betray her even MORE deeply?
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Wow this is a scathing comment. However, I do understand where you are coming from and agree with what you are writing. Healing can only be accomplished with honesty and vulnerability on my part. If I can’t let her in then I need to go because she still won’t know who I am.
As harsh as what you write, I don’t disagree. Thanks.
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This is what I get from this:
Your wife is seriously depressed and one of her major problems is feeling inadequate as a wife.
You are struggling with anxiety, your major fear being that your wife will leave you.
So now you need your wife to be happy – because you can not handle this feeling of helplessness right now. I know you mean well, but you must realize that this is the one thing she can absolutely not do right now. Not being able to be happy while feeling your constant despair about her not being happy, will only make her feel more inadequate and guilty. Please, accept the situation for now if you want to help her. That is the only thing that will do any good. Let her be unhappy, don’t add pressure by taking her depression as a personal rejection. That is hard, given the circumstances, but you can and you will succeed if you keep at it. Look into mindfulness and meditation for help if you need it.
In fact: the best thing you can do for your wife right now is dealing with your own anxiety problems. Take responsibility for that: it is not your wife who is at the root of your fear of being left alone, you carry that fear in yourself and you can also solve that fear by yourself.
Good luck, you can do this, you really can.
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Thanks! I really hope I can make it.
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Have you disclosed to your wife that you are blogging about this? I don’t mean to pry, just that if in time, she does find out–she will feel even more betrayed and it could eradicate any progress you two make. I don’t know how your wife would feel about you blogging, but I recommend you get her blessing. As long as she is aware that you are journaling your thoughts, getting advice/feedback from others, hopefully she will understand that this adds value to your recovery. And at the very least, gives you a place to sort your thoughts on your journey to restoring your marriage. This can be a positive place for you to write about how you are feeling, without causing more hurt to your wife. But if she were to find out accidentally, or feel as if you are always glued to your computer, over time she may feel your distance and equate that to you still being in an affair. Just something to think about. It’s happened to others, so just wanted to throw that question out.
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I have told her about it. She is a little apprehensive but she knows that it helps me to write. And I change enough details that would make it impossible to figure out who we are.
I would have never done this without her blessing and the recommendation of my therapist.
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Great! Good job– you are starting off on the right foot. That’s a big step in the right direction.
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Thank you. As painful as it is I am trying to make sure she is involved in every part of my healing and I am available for her if she wants that, but I do not push her if she wants her space or time.
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I’ve read through the other comments, and I’ll present a slightly different take on things here…
You and your wife are both in a difficult spot. There is no question about that. You made some choices that have further complicated things, to say the least.
As other people have said, you can’t change your wife. The only person you can change is yourself. You can try to lead by example and hope that you are able to influence your wife to make changes, but ultimately any changes on her end need to be made by her. She has to want to make them, and see a need to make them. When someone makes changes in reaction to something else, they tend to be temporary. For change to be permanent, it needs to be something the person making the change truly believes in.
So the question that only you can answer is, what is enough? If the way your wife approaches your marriage never changes, are you fine with that? Can you accept her as she is today? What sort of changes do you need in order to be happy?
Your wife has things that she needs and wants too, and the odds of those two things lining up perfectly are pretty much zero. If the two of you are willing to talk about what you want, can you find a middle ground somewhere that would allow you both to be content? If so, I think that’s all you can really hope for. Her showing effort and being willing to try is the important thing (and you doing the same). A relationship requires two people though, and if you are at a point where only one person is trying then what are you really holding onto?
You have a family, so I’m sure you have some sense of the cost (emotionally, financially and mentally) to having your marriage fail. Some people think that means couples should always stay together, and although I’m a big believer in commitment and marriage I think there are cases where it’s actually better to go your separate ways. But as long as someone is trying, I will always give them the benefit of the doubt.
My recommendation – give it a period of time (say 6 months or so), and put your heart into rebuilding. Split it between rebuilding your marriage and yourself. At the end of that take a look at where you are and re-evaluate. Hopefully you and your wife are in a better spot.
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I could not agree more to your comments. I know I cannot change her and that she has to want to change.
You asked if I could stay if my marriage was as it is today and that is a difficult question, very difficult. I could stay if she was happy with the way things are and she was happy. I really want her to be happy and if I need to be gone for that to happen I will leave. But if she can be happy with who she is now, and who we are now then I could stay.
My biggest issue is that for a long time she has seemed to be miserable and I have not been able to do anything about it. It is maddening.
And yes, I know that I did not help the situation by having an affair in fact I made it so much worse.
I just want everyone to be happy in the end and I don’t care what that looks like.
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The best gift my husband gave me after his affair was to read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonald. When he read that book, he changed and he became my healer. I was severely depressed and felt like I could never measure up to the other woman. Thank God I know today I don’t want to measure up to her. He chose me and he chose our marriage. He thought when I said I forgave him that mean total fresh start but what he didn’t realize is we still had to work through the pain. I read the book first then he read it and then we talked about it chaptor by chaptor for the first 4 chapters. I then went on a girls vacation with my sister and while I was gone he read the whole book. When I asked him what he thought he said, “I did everything wrong.” You do not know how much that meant to me. After that is was no longer all about him and his feelings but it was all about him becoming my healer. Today we reciprocate and it comes naturally. My husband didn’t just read the book he applied what he learned. Today I feel like the most loved woman in the world. I don’t feel any withdrawel from him or rejection. I don’t hurt anymore. I had to do some work too by having alot of grace and it was hard but after one year of counseling our counselor released us because he said there wasn’t anything more he could do as we both were in a good place. It takes time and you have to be in it all the way and not throw your hands up and quit or even think about quitting. My husband did that once and I wrote him a letter which I posted on my blog and from that point on, he never looked back. June will make three years for us since full discovery day. I hope you can hang on and work through this. Blessings
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I am happy to know that it worked out for you. I will look at that book and see if it helps. Maybe it is perfect timing because she just finished planning another girls weekend away toward the end of may.
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I’m not married and I’ve never cheated or been cheated on, as far as I know anyway. I’ve only now followed your blog, can I ask how long have you been together? If your trying to ‘fix’ the relationship, why not talk about the things you both love, remember what it was like when you both met, remind each other of why you fell in love in the first place? I dont know what to say for advice and help but I support you, dont let her go.
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Brief recap of my marriage.
My wife was the only person I have ever dated. We got married right after high school and have been married for 20 years. She dated other guys in high school before me but obviously that was a long time age.
It is hard to go back that far and remember those feelings but that is one thing I have brought up with therapist. How do I know if I had feelings for the OW or was it just the excitement of a new relationship?
Now we are going to try and fix our relationship and I am hoping that it will work as we are both acknowledging that we have problems and we need to address them. Before I think we just swept everything under the rug.
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I think you and your wife could explore inner child work. It sounds like you are interreacting, which is, you are acting out your childhood wounds on each other, for you – whatever is triggering your anger as you are listening to her, and for her – the feelings of inadequacy. If you go back, before the affair, before you married, before you were an adult, you may find that these triggers and feelings were already present. ????
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I cannot speak for her because I don’t know but from what she has said she had a very good childhood. She is still very close to all of her family.
Now me on the other hand, I do not want to relive any part of my past. If I could permanently erase it from my memory I would not hesitate to do it. I do not have contact with my parents or siblings (there are 6 of them). I am sure my childhood has shaped who I am but for the most part I learned exactly what I do not want and will not do to my kids. If I am ever not sure what I need to do I just think what my family would do and do the opposite.
It is funny you say this because my wife’s parents were concerned about having her marry me because of my family and they only knew a small amount of what was going on, but since then they have acknowledged how good of a father I have been with my kids. They never thought I could be as level headed as I am and patient. I can always defuse situations without making things worse.
Now do I have triggers from my past. You bet, and I see them everyday. Sometimes I don’t remember and I just cruise on by and then others make me remember. I never have thought about triggers from my childhood. I am very good at keeping all that put away so it never comes out even with a trigger.
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Hi
I have a diff thought on this. We can only change or control the self. Perhaps if you focussed on healing yourself . look at things which drove you to the affair and see if you could fix yourself. You know in hindsight it is very obvious that you should not have but unhappiness is a terrible thing and we all react differently to it. So just stop beating yourself about it.
The truth of being a good human being which is a mandatory requirement for being a good father and a husband is that you should be happy. Happiness is a conscious choice which comes when we close doors on things which make unhappy.
And irrespective of your wife’s depression , you were not in a happy place before the affair.
So let it go as a lesson learnt. And change your life to be happy. Yes probably your wife will struggle with depression and she will require you to understand and be supportive. But unless you can be healthy and happy,you can’t do a good job of being there for her.
Just remember its a mistake and it was never about the other woman. It’s about you and your unhappiness.
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Thanks. It is about our happiness, individually and together.
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“How can I be strong for her if I cannot even hold myself up?” – BINGO! …. And you both have achieved something in this angry blow up. ‘Feeling’ Reaction .. accepting .. Anger is a sign of dealing, acknowledging reality. Catalyst for change because what has been going on no longer is working. Big step.
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