First off, I would like to thank anyone who answered my questions from yesterday’s post. They all gave me somethings to think about. Now on to today.
Do you ever get the feeling that it is all going along just too smoothly? I have had that feeling for a while now. I get it mostly because I thought that my wife would be more upset and angry for a longer period of time. Well after my post yesterday, I believe it is starting to come out and frankly I am not sure I want to deal with it.
She has seemed off since I got home from my trip. Yesterday I came home and she was taking a nap. I let her sleep not wanting to bother her. She was going to get up and walk down to get my youngest of the bus. That time came and went and I went down and got him. I went in to check on her and she just asked for 5 more minutes. This went on for two hours until she had to get up and take my son to practice. I had fed everyone and got the dishes done and house somewhat cleaned. Then I needed to do some work that I had brought home with me because I am so behind.
I worked on my stuff until it was bedtime for the two who were home. I got them all in bed and was back to doing my work when she got back. She saw all that I did and packed lunches for my kids and then I said I was going to go watch a little TV to unwind and she went to bed. I decided my time would be better spent with her than in front of the TV so I got my book that I am reading and went to bed with her. She kept telling me that I could go watch TV but I wanted to be with her. I am not sure why, but I felt like I was a puppy who had just chewed up a pillow. I still have that feeling. I felt like I was in trouble but I didn’t know exactly what set it off. What was the trigger? I asked her what was wrong, as I had the day before and yesterday off and on and she kept telling me that nothing was wrong. She finally told me how angry she was and how much of a failure she thought she was. She listed all the things she is failing at, I think to convince me that I shouldn’t want her. She was mad at me, really angry at the OW, but also she felt like she could never match up to what I want.
She told me she can never be what I want. She will never want to do the things the OW (not sexual, just activities) liked to do. She also isn’t one of those people who will go to the bar. She thinks I want someone exactly like the OW and that won’t be her.
I tried and tried to convince her that if I wanted the OW I would be there but I chose her, I chose us. She didn’t believe that for one minute. She said I am trying to turn her into something she is not. This made me angry. Really angry. I am not a yeller or screamer and I can remain calm even though I am seething inside. I reminder her that I never once asked her to change. She is the one who decided to make the changes she did even before the affair. I never once told her she ought to do something. She said we are just settling right back into the pattern that drove me to the OW so I should not stay. The more she talked the angrier I got. It did not matter what I said so I just listened for a while. She told me of her hate for the OW, her desire to ruin her and the only reason she doesn’t is because it would hurt me.
Finally I had enough. I really wanted to get out of bed and sleep somewhere else but I stayed and told her that we may be falling back into those patterns but we are recognizing them and now and we know where they lead and can make a change. She got this, finally. Then she went to sleep.
Here is my biggest problem and I have had it since she started to make changes to herself. I told her that I would support her in what ever she wanted to do for herself but she should not change herself for me. It would be the quickest way to failure. She needed to want to do it for herself. I have had a suspicion that she has done all these things mostly for me and only a little for herself. She pretty much said that is what she did last night. It hurt me, made me angry, and now I don’t even want to go home.
I read an article that was sent to me and added it to some of the comments I have been getting and I know I need to be there for her more than she needs to be there for me. I get that, she did not ask for any of this and the affair and the hurt it cause rests fully on my shoulders. So I will try. I don’t know how, as it is hard to even write all this without the anger getting through. I want her to be happy. That’s it. If she does not like the changes she made then she should change back. I just want to see her happy. It is all I have ever wanted. It is the most painful feeling in the world to watch someone you love wilt away.
I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could solve her problems. I wish I even knew how to make her happy. This is a game I will never win. If I time everything right I can not be home at the same time as her until she is asleep. That sounds stupid, childish, and weak but I cannot break down again. How can I be strong for her if I cannot even hold myself up? It is conversations like this that help push the panic in me that she will just up and leave. I will just come home and she will be gone.
In the end I know I will go home and talk with her. It will end in tears and we really won’t accomplish anything. We will be right back in this same spot in a few weeks. I read somewhere that this “stage” of recovery can last 2 to 3 years. I don’t know that I could make it 2 or 3 years feeling like this. I know I couldn’t make it that long. Oh, what to do when you can never win….
I’m afraid sometimes you’ll play lonely games too,games you can’t win because you’ll play against you