If Things Start Happening, Don’t Worry, Don’t Stew, Just Go Right Along And You’ll Start Happening Too….If Only It Was That Simple

happening

It looks as though we survived the weekend apart.  I am not sure exactly what that means exactly.  She was acting a little off when I got home and even though I asked a few times she tried to reassure me that everything was good.  I know something is not and I don’t have it figured out yet.  This is a little unsettling.

She is planning a trip before one of her friends moves away.  They want to do a 5 hours kayak trip to some island.  I am happy she wants to go, but she is worried about leaving me alone.

I cannot believe how wound up since getting home.  The level of tension and nervousness is a little overwhelming.  I am not sure why.  When I was gone this weekend I was stressed but nothing like what is going on now.  Well I guess it is not anything I can actually control so I need to focus on something else.  I wish I could get a break for the world, from all of this mess, if only for a few hours.  Unfortunately, wishes are about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

I would like to pose a question to everyone who reads this post.  It is a question I keep coming back to and I never know the answer.  I like things nice and neat and tangible.  However feeling are not like that.  So here are my questions:

What is love and can you describe it?

How many types of love are there?

How do you know you are in love?

It will be interesting to see the responses because a lot of posts that I read all reference love in a lot of different ways.  While you all answer those questions I will continue with my story.

When I last left off  had to start commuting an hour away twice a week.  I am now on my fifth year of doing that drive.  The drive is long and boring.  The first couple of years it was too bad but then it started to drag on me.  So during the drive I would try different games on my phone (I know real safe) just to pass the time.  One day, I was talking with someone in the office and they told me that this young attractive lady was extremely infatuated in me.  This was a baffling to me because she was about 15 years younger than myself and quite attractive.  This definitely made me feel good about myself.  I have never considered myself as very attractive, but then again I had never really cared.  But at this point my marriage was not going real well.  She was napping all the time and avoiding me and the family.  I held everything together for our family but it was extremely frustrating that I did all this and she was still in the same dark place.

Anyway this person finding me attractive was a slight wake-up call.  I felt good about myself in a way I hadn’t for years.  It is hard to describe.  My wife who I always have been attracted to and always found beautiful constantly rejected me.  I felt like she hid from me and was probably regretting ever marrying me.  I tried to talk to her about it and she would tell me she found me attractive but her actions were what I was believing.  Why would she find me attractive and not want to spend time with me or even be intimate with?  It made no sense in my head.  Now I had the young attractive lady who found me attractive and I liked the feeling.  I was nice to be wanted.  Now I never did anything about this infatuation.  I never talked to her or approached her but I would now catch her looking at me and I liked how it made me feel.

As I mentioned before, I have had a rough childhood and until my wife came around I really did not know (or think I knew) what love was.  Now I have found out that other people might be attracted to me.  It seemed impossible, plus a young attractive woman.  It really made me feel great and when she left later that year I wanted something, anything to fill that void.  My wife still seemed to take no interest in me.  I continued to try but I felt like it only made things worse.  So I thought of another way to get that attention.  I decided to download a location based app for finding friends.  I believe it was called meet me.  I put down some catchy phrase in my profile and then just started to mess around it.  I quickly started getting matches or friends, I don’t really remember what they were called.  But it helped fill that void and I felt like it was harmless.  I felt attractive and wanted.  It was a game to me and one without any worry about anyone finding out who I really was.  This went on for about 3 or 4 months.  I am not exactly sure, but it was awhile.  I chatted with a few people but they quickly realized I was not in it to meet anyone except on a friendship level.  So most would move on.  I was okay with this because I didn’t actually want to meet any of them.

There there popped up a woman who contacted me.  We chatted for a few months but she never pushed to meet me.  It was fun to sit and chat with her and we only chatted while I was driving home.  It was very convenient and nonthreatening.  Then one day out of the blue she sends me a message that says she is deleting the app off her phone because she is sick of all the other weirdo’s on the app.  She then said she usually never does this but she gave me her phone number.  She sent the text in the morning which was odd to begin with.  I remember staring at the message and trying to decide what to do.  It felt like if I took her number then she would have mine and that was opening up a whole can of worms that I wasn’t sure I wanted to even deal with.  I decided to think about it and make a decision after work.

When I got done with work I started my drive home as usual and open the app.  I looked through my messages and her message was gone.  I looked through them and could not find it.  Well after a little googling I found out that when you delete the app the messages you sent to other people also disappear.  So the message with her number was gone.  I was a little bummed but also glad because I did not need the constant enticement dangling out there.  It made what I was doing a little okay in my mind.  It is not like I was cheating (or so I thought), I was just making new friends.  Although I would never meet these friends and they really did not know anything about me because I hid my identity.  I would give them a false back story because I am a private person.  I did not want anyone to find or contact me out side of the app.

So I made a couple of fake friends but they never lasted long because they either wanted to meet or became so weird I had to move on.  Eventually the only people I was matching with were fake profiles of  women soliciting themselves.  So I finally deleted the app.   I believed I was only doing it to make myself feel attractive and wanted and that had provided on a short-term basis.

After the meet me app I downloaded other apps that were games and puzzles but everything still left me with that hole, that feeling of being wanted.  I could not shake it.  I tried different things to see if my wife noticed.  I changed my hair style a little, started wearing different clothes and I started to look around at people and see if they noticed me.  What I got in return was that for the most part I was not invisible.  I was someone people noticed, not everyone and not all the time, but enough to give me that little boost each day.

One day I was watching the winter Olympics on TV and they were talking about an app the all the athletes were using to meet up with other athletes in Olympic village.  The described the app as one that you just swiped yes or no on a person’s picture and if you both liked each other, then it would match you together.  I thought that this was really cool, very shallow, but a better version of meet me.  After thinking about it for a few weeks I decided to download the app.  This was the app that really caused me problems.  Tinder…

If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew, just go right along and you’ll start happening too – Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in April 2015, Coffee Affair and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to If Things Start Happening, Don’t Worry, Don’t Stew, Just Go Right Along And You’ll Start Happening Too….If Only It Was That Simple

  1. KcRambles says:

    Well I think it varies on the view of every individual. Feelings are very complex and I find it is a broad subject.

    What is love for me? A feeling -an emotion that can go in many ways. Have different levels and categories. Love is companionship, respect, illusion, selflessness, tenderness, sacrifice, happiness, tears. Always wanting what is best for the person you love.

    How many types of love are there? Infinite types. You can love your parents and siblings unconditionally- or not. You can love your pet as a family member. Love a friend and cherish their company and always want what is best for them. You love your children above all– even above yourself that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for them. That is a BIGGER kind of love– it is selfless-unconditional-unrepentant. The love you have for your partner/spouse should be a love that shines from within… you are not complete with out that person, they make you a better you–challenge you to want to be better. It is a partnership that goes beyond sexual.
    There can be crazy love, passionate love, calm and simple harmonious love.

    How do you know when you are in love? First don’t confuse lust with love.
    Second. Like I said above… It shines from within, makes you want to be better do better. You’d cross a dessert barefooted for that person–you long for him/her. You think of said person and your heart skips, your eyes smile and you can’t wait to be in their presence. Etc. etc…

    I will quote a book that ironically is about a cheating spouse “Falling in love with someone is easy. It’s loving when the newness has worn off, when life get’s tough, when things get in the way, when physical passion is gone, that true love remains. When love can conquer it all.”- Arsen by Mia Asher.

    That quote sums up true love for me.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Love is loving someone is when you want what is best for them. You want to see them happy even if that means letting go. You prioritize their needs while not losing sight of your own.
    To me their are two kinds of love: unconditional and conditional, which is more platonic love. With unconditional love with someone you are connected deeply. Given any circumstance you will stand by them and be their support. You never give up on that person. My love for my kids is unconditional. I thought spousal love was that way too, but now I’m not so sure. My love for my husband is now platonic and that is not enough for me.
    I know I’m in love when the person takes over my thoughts more than anyone else and I desire to spend time with them over anyone else. When you can’t help but smile and feel warm thoughts when you see them or think about them. When there is communication distance between you and you feel like part of you is missing when you don’t talk to them. When you feel at peace talking to them even about nothing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      Would you say love for your kids is unconditional and platonic and that love for your spouse can be both conditional and unconditional, platonic and romantic, depending on where you are at within the relationship?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. What is love and can you describe it?
    Love is putting someone else above yourself.

    How many types of love are there?
    There are many types of love. There’s parental love, love between friends, love of family – sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, romantic love.

    How do you know you are in love?
    I have known that I was in love before when I wanted to shout from the rooftops. Where it first begins with a small spark that grows into a raging inferno. When the general need for love and affection changes to need that person’s love and affection. Fuck love from someone else- it’s got to be from that guy! That’s how I know I’m in love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      So my follow up question is can it go away or is it once you love a person you will always love them?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes it can. However, and this is just in my experience, sometimes it doesnt. The formula for me seems to be if the relationship ran it’s course or not. I have had a very hard time in my life letting go of relationships that didn’t run their course. The feelings tend to linger, sometimes for years. I can only think of one past relationships where I feel no love for that person anymore.

        Like

  4. poslaw says:

    I think that, at its most basic level, mature love is not something that happens to a person. Getting hit by a bus is something that might “just happen” to you, but love is a decision you make (or don’t make) on a daily basis. This makes it far more meaningful to me. It’s the difference between “I need you” and “I want you”, between “I can’t help myself” and “I freely choose this.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Can you explain this to me a little better? I am not sure I get what you mean.

      It’s the difference between “I need you” and “I want you”, between “I can’t help myself” and “I freely choose this

      Like

      • poslaw says:

        I will certainly try. What I mean to say is that there is a difference between the infatuation one experiences in a new relationship and truly mature love that needs to be maintained over time. Infatuation is chemically driven; you have little choice over who you are and are not attracted to. It’s exciting and passionate, and everyone is on their best behavior. Hell, you probably go to great lengths to not even fart in the presence of the object of your desire.

        When you’ve been with someone for a long time, the chemicals settle down. When one of you farts the other doesn’t even blink or expect an “excuse me”. You see each other at your absolute worsts: morning breath, fatigue, depression, anger, unreasonableness… that list can go on forever. But you also get to see the strength of one another’s characters. You have a choice now. You can wake up and say to yourself, “Today I still believe this person is worth honoring the commitment I made all those years ago.” Or not.

        Today you decided to love your wife of your own free will. You were not a slave of a complex chemical reaction or chasing something new and exciting. You are free, and you *chose* her. How could that not be more meaningful, more fulfilling than a new infatuation that must assuredly fade?

        (I really hope I said that right.)

        Liked by 2 people

      • poslaw says:

        I will certainly try. What I mean to say is that there is a difference between the infatuation one experiences in a new relationship and truly mature love that needs to be maintained over time. Infatuation is chemically driven; you have little choice over who you are and are not attracted to. It’s exciting and passionate, and everyone is on their best behavior. Hell, you probably go to great lengths to not even fart in the presence of the object of your desire.

        When you’ve been with someone for a long time, the chemicals settle down. When one of you farts the other doesn’t even blink or expect an “excuse me”. You see each other at your absolute worsts: morning breath, fatigue, depression, anger, unreasonableness… that list can go on forever. But you also get to see the strength of one another’s characters. You have a choice now. You can wake up and say to yourself, “Today I still believe this person is worth honoring the commitment I made all those years ago.” Or not.

        Today you decided to love your wife of your own free will. You were not a slave of a complex chemical reaction or chasing something new and exciting. You are free, and you *chose* her. How could that not be more meaningful, more fulfilling than a new infatuation that must assuredly fade?

        (I really hope I said that right.)

        Like

        • bac4sccr says:

          Thanks, I understand what you mean. I have chose my wife and it looks as though the OW has moved on as well and has another boyfriend already. I guess I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought. That kind of hurts, but does reinforce that I am making the right choice.
          Now I need to make an effort to choose her everyday and show her that I have chosen her everyday. i don’t mean this as it will be hard for me to choose her everyday. It is just that I should constantly work on us.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Eve says:

    For me love is like light, coming from within. I think love is inherently unconditional: for me the different conditions shape and form the different sorts of love but conditions are also like the clouds in front of the sunlight. Basic conditions are necessary and good for love in this life: you feel which ones are and which ones aren’t by your own ability to feel love. Too many conditions placed upon the other: you cloud the ‘sunlight’ and get too caught up in feeding and worrying about your ego to really love. But if basic conditions aren’t met, you hurt yourself: you don’t let your love shine through the way you are meant to. Then you cloud your own sunlight and your natural ability to love.

    So to me love is basically one thing, the most important thing in this life, but it takes a million different forms – each relationship, each moment of true appreciation of life is love in a different way.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      So are you saying that if a person does not let their love shine through the can “lose it” (I couldn’t think of a better way to describe this)?

      Like

      • Eve says:

        I wouldn’t say ‘lose it’ but maybe lose sight of it. I’m sorry if I sound abstract, let me have another try:

        If you fall in love, and you know that when you feel it, you love easily and effortlessly. That’s a bit like loving your kids I think (though I don’t have them). Those are the most natural and most unconditional forms of love we know. With kids of course even more so, but still: when in love people often literally don’t see the more difficult parts of the other person. And being with the other is enough to be happy: just appreciating the other being and appreciating the love you are naturally feeling. But then life comes in and you both start playing your parts: I’m gonna make you happy and you are going to make me happy, by … (fill in the blank). That’s the conditions coming in.

        Now, there are a couple of reasonable conditions: if you are for instance physically repulsed by a man or woman, it would make no sense at all to keep on being together. Or if your partner is abusive or too problematic to be around, or even if you just really feel you don’t ‘want’ to be with each other any more. It’s voluntary, you know?

        But there are also conditions you might have to reconsider along the road. Like: I need you to do A or B or C – to make me happy and feel loved and secure. That’s a condition ultimately nobody can fulfill by the way: because you can not outsource making you feel happy or secure to anyone but yourself. So the initial love you feel effortlessly becomes clouded by your conditions that are not being met. Instead of loving and appreciating , you feel lacking and unhappy with the other. And that feels so wrong, that you are now suffering doubly: you feel unfulfilled and you feel failed in your ability to love (and thus in your perceived duty towards the other person, you promised to make happy and secure). This is when you should look at the conditions you pose towards your partner: are they realistic? Or can I learn to live without A or B or C and try to find that happiness en security within myself?

        I think the best way to tell the difference between the two kinds of conditions is by asking yourself honest questions. Do I want to stay with this person because of love, or fear? If it’s fear, than first work on your fear. That is doable. And if you get your fear out of the way, you can see clearly again: do I want to be with this person or not?

        Like

  6. sickoftryingtotrust says:

    I read this last night but felt unable to comment until today. I am not going to answer your love questions because your words had a far more profound effect on me. Your description of how you found your AP could have been written by my husband. When I read them all the familiar sick feelings came rushing back and my PTSD went into overdrive. All I ever wanted was the full story of how he started his affair. Instead I was drip fed all the bits he wanted me to know. Your honesty has helped me understand your thought process, what made you go ‘looking’. You will not believe how much your blog is helping me to understand my husband’s actions. Thank you for having the courage to write it even if it sometimes makes for a hard read.

    Like

  7. Thanks for following my blog.. you pose some interesting questions.. Love has baffled the best minds throughout the ages which is why it is the main subject of poems, songs and so many books. There is no definitive answer. We are many things to many people and the best relationships involve love in one form or another. For me love is a formula that starts with a chemical reaction between two people. That can be the bonding moment between a mother and child that is hormonally driven or meeting someone’s eyes across a crowded room or touching another person’s hand that creates an electric spark.. Or it might mean that you get talking to another person and you feel you have known them for ever.
    Most of that chemical reation will fizzle out over time and even to those relationships are hugely intense to begin with. However, sometimes a bond is created that is just like an adhesive. It needs to be two sided to stick both people together. If one side of the bond is weak it will stick for a while but then it will break. To keep that bond strong the adhesive has to be the right one for the job and contain specific elements. For example emotional intensity that makes you want to protect, trust, respect,honesty, physical attraction, humour and commitment.
    It needs to be strong because over time the relationship is going to be tested by stress from external factors such as work, immediate family, friends, illness, children, finances and of course temptation. It is when two of you can face those stresses, work together and come through them that you know that adhesive is the right one for the job.
    If you do not respect yourself first and foremost then you may not be able to bring the necessary elements to a relationship that keeps it strong. You mention that you had never felt attractive and that talking to other women made you feel good about yourself. That puts a great deal of pressure on other people to make you happy. I do know that it is nobody elses responsibility to make you happy. It is a decision you have to make for yourself.
    I have been married twice.. the first time to a cheater which only lasted five years and the second time for 35 years. I do know that if I had not had the experience of my first marriage I would not appreciate all that I have now. I hope that has been of use to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. BecHanson says:

    I was married for 20 years, (now divorced) and have had several relationships, encounters, dates (and everything in between) and I have no idea what love is (other than the love I have for my children which is another thing, very real and amazing!). Often I don’t believe love exists, but I still search for it, just in case I’m wrong.

    Like

  9. Quizzical says:

    ” I wish I could get a break for the world, from all of this mess, if only for a few hours.  Unfortunately, wishes are about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”… Love it … Once you start searching those also searching will take notice…

    Liked by 1 person

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