I had quite a lot discussion from my last post and a lot of good feedback, ideas, and books that might help. Thank you!
As I mentioned I was angry from our talk two nights ago. I was still angry when I woke up and I was still angry when I got home yesterday. She was not angry any more but knew that I was still angry. We were not able to talk much until bedtime. Also just to be clear when I am angry I do not slam doors or stomp around the house or become very irritable, so my kids did not know that I was angry. I had to run my kids around for a while from a lot of different activities. Once we finally get everyone down, we sat down and talked.
I told her I was angry, very angry. She said she knew I was angry. I reassured her that I was not angry at her. I am/was not angry at her, but I am angry at myself for everything that I have done. I never would have dreamed in a million year I would cheat on her. She also told me that she never believed in a million years that if she was cheated on that she would stay.
I apologized again for everything that I have done. I told her that the two biggest things I am sorry for was me breaking the trust between us and all the deceiving I did to hide my actions. She tried to take a little of the blame for the affair by where our marriage was and her ignoring me and rejecting me for so long. She even knew she was hurting me but still continued to do it. I reiterated to her that while that may have caused issues in our relationship, it was not the cause of the affair. She has absolutely no blame in what I freely chose to do. I still don’t know if she believes me, some days she does and then some days she is back on blaming herself. I will continue to be steadfast in me communicating to her that she in not responsible for any if this mess. We talked for a while and then she fell asleep in my arms. I am glad that we were able to talk but it has done little to pacify my anger. I will carry that for a while until I can find a productive way to let it out. Who knows what that will be like.
As we were talking last night she told me that the OW had already found a new boyfriend. This shocked and hurt me. First, I was shocked that my wife was still keeping tabs on her (Facebook stalking). Then I was shocked to know how quickly the OW had moved on to someone else. Finally I was hurt by this. I obviously did not mean as much to her as I thought I did. It made me feel gullible and stupid. And then more anger. I got duped into doing what I did and that just made me more angry. Now, I am not taking any of the blame off of myself. I still put myself in the situation to make it happen and I chose to go to her and foster the relationship irregardless of what type of relationship it ended up being.
So I am just piling more anger on top of the guilt and shame I already have. It is a great mixture, hopefully it bakes itself into something nice and delicious. So now what???
What do I do? Maybe knowing she moved on will make everything easier for me but I doubt it. I am going to stick to my original plan. I need to just focus on our relationship. When we talked a week or so she set somewhat of a deadline of a year to see where we are at. She did not mean that we will decide in a year whether we want to stay together or not, but instead we will evaluate our progress and see if we are going where we want to go. A year seems like a long time, but not in the grand scheme of things. We have 22 total year together, 20 married. So one year should be nothing. However, this year will probably be the most challenging yet.
Now my wife has this constant fear that the OW is going to show up one day and tell me that she is pregnant. I keep reminding her that this should be next to impossible because I had a vasectomy years ago, but I can understand her worrying about it. It is similar to my feelings of panic every time we are apart. They are not really justified but that does not make them seem any less real in our heads.
So now what?? I guess I will do some recommended reading (thank you to the people who recommended a few books to me) and then see what Friday brings with our first couples session of therapy. I will still be angry, but I will have it under control as I do now. Then I have a very busy weekend where I will be working almost the entire time. Maybe this will bring a welcomed mental break.
Now let me end with a positive note. Out of my 3 children, that youngest has been spoiled by my wife. He has her wrapped around his finger and he can get her to do anything he wants. That means I am usually the bad parent that comes in and says no. For the last couple of years the two of us have somewhat butted heads. So usually I am not his favorite parent. I do think it is because we are too much alike. Anyways, for the last few months the two of us have grown closer and closer. He is such a bright and energetic child. It makes me smile now thinking about the moments we get to spend together. It also helps me know that staying was the right decision for me. While the majority of this mess is about the relationship between my wife and I, my children mean the world to me. So by me staying I get to still be part of their accomplishments on a full-time basis. If I would have chosen to leave, my relationship with all my kids would be so much different, especially with my youngest. They make me want to be there in those moments and share those accomplishments with my wife, to show her how well we have raised our children and how proud we can be of them. And more importantly they turned out as they did because we are such a great team. They help me look forward and not focus on the past because that is all they really have, just the future. They don’t need to look behind them, they just live in the moment and view their future as a wide open plain where they can do anything they want. And they are right, they can do anything they want because they have the support of my wife and myself.
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! — Dr. Seuss