I Have Heard There Are Troubles Of More Than One Kind. Some Come From Ahead And Some Come From Behind. But I’ve Bought A Big Bat. I’m All Ready You See. Now My Troubles Are Going To Have Troubles With Me!…. I Just Hope My Troubles Don’t Carry A Bigger Bat Than Mine.

troubles1

I had quite a lot discussion from my last post and a lot of good feedback, ideas, and books that might help.  Thank you!

As I mentioned I was angry from our talk two nights ago.  I was still angry when I woke up and I was still angry when I got home yesterday.  She was not angry any more but knew that I was still angry.  We were not able to talk much until bedtime.  Also just to be clear when I am angry I do not slam doors or stomp around the house or become very irritable, so my kids did not know that I was angry.  I had to run my kids around for a while from a lot of different activities.  Once we finally get everyone down, we sat down and talked.

I told her I was angry, very angry.  She said she knew I was angry.  I reassured her that I was not angry at her.  I am/was not angry at her, but I am angry at myself for everything that I have done.  I never would have dreamed in a million year I would cheat on her.  She also told me that she never believed in a million years that if she was cheated on that she would stay.

I apologized again for everything that I have done.  I told her that the two biggest things I am sorry for was me breaking the trust between us and all the deceiving I did to hide my actions. She tried to take a little of the blame for the affair by where our marriage was and her ignoring me and rejecting me for so long.  She even knew she was hurting me but still continued to do it.  I reiterated to her that while that may have caused issues in our relationship, it was not the cause of the affair.  She has absolutely no blame in what I freely chose to do.  I still don’t know if she believes me, some days she does and then some days she is back on blaming herself.  I will continue to be steadfast in me communicating to her that she in not responsible for any if this mess.  We talked for a while and then she fell asleep in my arms.  I am glad that we were able to talk but it has done little to pacify my anger.  I will carry that for a while until I can find a productive way to let it out.  Who knows what that will be like.

As we were talking last night she told me that the OW had already found a new boyfriend.  This shocked and hurt me.  First, I was shocked that my wife was still keeping tabs on her (Facebook stalking).  Then I was shocked to know how quickly the OW had moved on to someone else.  Finally I was hurt by this.  I obviously did not mean as much to her as I thought I did.  It made me feel gullible and stupid.  And then more anger.  I got duped into doing what I did and that just made me more angry.  Now, I am not taking any of the blame off of myself.  I still put myself in the situation to make it happen and I chose to go to her and foster the relationship irregardless of what type of relationship it ended up being.

So I am just piling more anger on top of the guilt and shame I already have. It is a great mixture, hopefully it bakes itself into something nice and delicious.  So now what???

What do I do?  Maybe knowing she moved on will make everything easier for me but I doubt it.  I am going to stick to my original plan.  I need to just focus on our relationship.  When we talked a week or so she set somewhat of a deadline of a year to see where we are at.  She did not mean that we will decide in a year whether we want to stay together or not, but instead we will evaluate our progress and see if we are going where we want to go.  A year seems like a long time, but not in the grand scheme of things.  We have 22 total year together, 20 married.  So one year should be nothing.  However, this year will probably be the most challenging yet.

Now my wife has this constant fear that the OW is going  to show up one day and tell me that she is pregnant.  I keep reminding her that this should be next to impossible because I had a vasectomy years ago, but I can understand her worrying about it.  It is similar to my feelings of panic every time we are apart.   They are not really justified but that does not make them seem any less real in our heads.

So now what??  I guess I will do some recommended reading (thank you to the people who recommended a few books to me) and then see what Friday brings with our first couples session of therapy.  I will still be angry, but I will have it under control as I do now.  Then I have a very busy weekend where I will be working almost the entire time.  Maybe this will bring a welcomed mental break.

Now let me end with a positive note.  Out of my 3 children, that youngest has been spoiled by my wife.  He has her wrapped around his finger and he can get her to do anything he wants.  That means I am usually the bad parent that comes in and says no.  For the last couple of years the two of us have somewhat butted heads.  So usually I am not his favorite parent.  I do think it is because we are too much alike. Anyways, for the last few months the two of us have grown closer and closer.  He is such a bright and energetic child.  It makes me smile now thinking about the moments we get to spend together.  It also helps me know that staying was the right decision for me.  While the majority of this mess is about the relationship between my wife and I, my children mean the world to me.  So by me staying I get to still be part of their accomplishments on a full-time basis.  If I would have chosen to leave, my relationship with all my kids would be so much different, especially with my youngest.  They make me want to be there in those moments and share those accomplishments with my wife, to show her how well we have raised our children and how proud we can be of them.  And more importantly they turned out as they did because we are such a great team.  They help me look forward and not focus on the past because that is all they really have, just the future.  They don’t need to look behind them, they just live in the moment and view their future as a wide open plain where they can do anything they want.  And they are right, they can do anything they want because they have the support of my wife and myself.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! — Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in April 2015, Coffee Affair and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to I Have Heard There Are Troubles Of More Than One Kind. Some Come From Ahead And Some Come From Behind. But I’ve Bought A Big Bat. I’m All Ready You See. Now My Troubles Are Going To Have Troubles With Me!…. I Just Hope My Troubles Don’t Carry A Bigger Bat Than Mine.

  1. It saddens me that you were “hurt” to see the OW had found a new man. This tells me you are not completely over her, and this does not bode well for your marriage. Why should you care if she has a new man? Did you think she was special? Did she make YOU feel so special that you thought she’d take ages to get over you? Your wife would snap if she knew your feelings for the OW still existed.
    And as for staying with a cheater, none of us betrayed spouses ever thought we’d stay with our wayward spouses. But that was then, this is now. Funny how your perspective on life changes when you’re standing in it.
    I remember telling you very early on that while your wife seemed OK and that you were making progress, watch out. The anger inside her is beginning to erupt; the worst is still to come.
    I wish you well. Your wife is extremely damaged by your affair, as we all are by the actions of our cheating partners. You could do everything right for the rest of your life and still not be able to make it up to her. I miss the fun my husband and I used to have, the little playful things we did together, the tidbits of information we’d swap and laugh about. That is all gone now.
    Sending you strength. SWxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I am hurt by the OW new relationship, but not because of the feelings I have for her, but the stupidity of my actions are thrown back at me. If she can move on that quickly then anything that I thought of was a lie. Then again all I was doing was living a lie that whole time. I am glad she is gone but I like I just fell for a huge scam.
      That is really the hurt I am talking about.

      Like

  2. Did you tell her all of this? That you’re hurt that the OW moved on so quickly and everything in that paragraph?

    You should be SO GLAD, btw. Or you shouldn’t care AT ALL. You should be absolutely relieved. That’s how people typically react when they don’t still care for an ex.

    You really do need to focus on you. Even if what you have to tell your wife is “I feel like a shit for caring that she’s moved on… there’s something wrong with me for not being glad. I need to really figure this out. I need to go to therapy to get some help to yank this crap out of me. I’m sorry.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ack – I’ve just molded it too much for you! You DON’T feel like a shit for caring… but you DO know you should, right?

      When your ACTUAL feelings don’t line up with what is expected? Explore that. Deeply. With your wife. She deserves to know what you ACTUALLY think, doesn’t she?

      Liked by 2 people

      • Eve says:

        I really do not think your comment is as helpful as you obviously mean it to be. If bac4 is to heal and move further – as I imagine will be necessary for his marriage to work out and thus also in the interest of his wife – he needs to acknowledge his true feelings and deal with all this guilt and shame, not getting too hard on himself for having made mistakes. It would not help anyone to -on top of it all – beat himself up because he should have other feelings than he happens to have.

        It hurt, well grieve over it, so you can let it go. Sometimes you need to let your feelings out. If you start suppressing that it might take you way longer to really let go of your affair partner.

        I think it’s a good thing you find joy in being with your kids. Anything positive can give you strength right now.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t think he should feel BAD for having the feelings he does… but he does need to understand it for what it is. How he feels and how he says he feels are conflicting. His wife deserves to know how he feels, truly. She is again vulnerable while he holds back… again.

          That is EXACTLY the problem.

          Liked by 1 person

          • bac4sccr says:

            I will tell her how I feel about me finding out about the OW’s new relationship. I had planned to all along, but my feelings about it surprised me. I want to move on and out of her life but it still hurts to think that she knew I was risking so much and she probably did not care like she said she did, either way I have to move forward or I we destroy my wife and myself.
            It is the stupidity of it all that make me so angry. I am relatively intelligent and I got duped.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Bugsmetwo says:

              This is similar to what my husband said ” felt duped and stupid” after I explained how his AP flirted with him in her texts, how she listened to him tell intimate particulars about my chronic physical pain, how she claimed to understand and be unhappy in her marriage , even going so far as to tell my husband she knew what she was doing bc she had an affair with a married man before. My husband does not like feeling this way but I see it for what it is, all messed up chaotic selfishness. I’m glad you are going to tell your wife about your feelings, that is important no matter how you think or how she does take them. Honesty is so very important.

              Like

      • bac4sccr says:

        Yes, I agree. The more and more I think about it the worse I feel about it. It is because I feel like I was played, and I feel like I should be smarter than that. But I was’t and now I blew up my marriage, hurt the only person who has loved me unconditionally, and for what. NOTHING…

        Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I feel stupid for it all. I t has banished all the romantic feelings I thought I had with her. This has been eating at me all day since I posted this earlier. I am going to talk to my wife about it and let her know about how I feel about everything.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. KcRambles says:

    I’m glad she moved on…and goes to prove a point she is not pining after a married man. She told you from the get go what she was looking for. A married man. Now she has a boyfriend. You see how easy and uncomplicated her life is while yours is in turmoil. You now must focus on you and your wife. Hopefully knowing she moved on is your closure with OW.

    As for your anger try challenging it on a sport, or exercise. Kick boxing or something where you can unleash it.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      Funny you should say that about exercise. I mentioned I got hurt a couple of weeks ago. Well it was while I was playing soccer. They thought I broke my neck. Maybe I had too much aggression to get out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • KcRambles says:

        Eek, yeah you want to unleash the aggression without hurting yourself. Then try something like yoga, meditation, might be what you need to find your Zen (without harm.)

        Like

  4. Melancholy Muser says:

    ” I never would have dreamed in a million year I would cheat on her. She also told me that she never believed in a million years that if she was cheated on that she would stay.” Yes and Yes. That is exactly what my husband said AND what I believed. I don’t know if he is angry with himself, as you are, because he doesn’t seem able to talk it through without getting defensive. He believed and, I suspect, still believes, that he was justified in having an affair because he was firmly convinced that our marriage was over and I no longer loved him. Nevertheless, he does understand that leaving me for her would have been disastrous, he would have been trapped in a turbulent and challenging relationship and lost everything we had built up over our 35 year marriage. He has told me he is truly grateful that I fought to save our marriage and saved him from that future, even though he resisted it at the time. Maybe one day he will be able to talk it all through with me but I’m not expecting that any time soon :\
    Dealing with the emotional fallout of an affair is tough and painful but I am sure, reading your blog, that you will find a way to support your wife through this difficult process. Time is a great healer XXX

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thank you for your comment. It reassures me that there is a little hope in all this. I am trying and I think succeeding to some degree with not being defensive about any of it. So I hope that helps us.
      Good luck and I hope you continue moving forward with your marriage.

      Like

  5. Perhaps OW is looking to just move on? I don’t think it means that she didn’t care. Maybe it means she cared a lot and she’s trying to patch the hurt with someone else.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Perhaps, but one of the things I talked a while ago when she was pushing for me to move out was that even if I left that I would not move in with her. I have seen the amount of relationships she has gone through (that should have been a huge red flag, I know) and I did not want to be another stop along her road. If we were to be together I wanted to be the destination but I was not sure that is what it would have been for her.

      I really think she has some issues she needs help with but she does not have the resources to get it or the desire.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. hopingtoheal says:

    I agree that you need to explore WHY you care that she moved on. She owed you nothing. She was your other woman. You’ve re- committed yourself to your marriage.The fact that you are upset is a huge red flag. Either you have deeper feelings for her than you are willing to admit or the issues you were trying to address in your affair are still there. Either way – you need to work with your therapist on this.
    I also agree that you need to focus on you. Yes, you need to be supportive of your wife right now. But you also need to work on yourself. If you aren’t healthy you can’t be in a healthy relationship.
    On a positive note – glad you and your wife spoke, even if briefly. Communication is so critical, especially now. My husband and I scheduled time to talk every week. We got a sitter and left the house.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Yes, it looks like the session this week with my therapist will be loaded. I am happy that my wife and I are talking as much as we are because it helps us both not build up too much of one emotion (other than my anger, ugggghhh..). I am going to talk with her tonight about my reaction and feelings to learn about the OW’s new relationship.

      Like

  7. I think the fact you are hurt by the OW moving on is two fold. Firstly, you still have feelings for her. Affair feelings can be extremely hard to work through. It doesn’t at all mean we want them back, or we wish we were there and not with our spouse – there is an intensity in an affair that makes it very hard to not have feelings – even when you wish you didn’t. Almost every wayward would admit to feeling like that. Or the honest, blogging ones I have met, anyway. Getting past it takes time. But it does happen.
    Secondly, it is about how this makes YOU feel and look. Like you say, more guilt and shame, because how could you have risked so much for someone who is appearing not to be as amazing as your drug induced brain told you they were. I don’t think you were necessarily duped….everyone handles break ups in their own ways. Perhaps this is her way to try and ease her hurt.
    At the end of the day, she isn’t important, what matters is your wife and yourself. It is a horrible journey no matter which side of the fence you sit. Steps backwards and steps forward are a part of it, but one day you can look back and see just how much further down the road you are than when you started. Try to stay honest, to your wife, and to yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      “At the end of the day, she isn’t important, what matters is your wife and yourself. It is a horrible journey no matter which side of the fence you sit. Steps backwards and steps forward are a part of it, but one day you can look back and see just how much further down the road you are than when you started. Try to stay honest, to your wife, and to yourself.”

      Perfect! I couldn’t agree more. I am just trying to make more steps forward than backwards.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. poslaw says:

    I’m having a hard time reading all the comments telling you how you SHOULD feel. I don’t believe it is either productive or appropriate. (I should also state for the record that I was once the betrayed spouse, so I do have personal experience.)

    It seems natural to me that you would be taken aback by the swiftness with which your former OW seems to have moved on. The truth, however, is that you have no idea what’s really going on with her, and more to the point, it’s none of your business. I know you didn’t seek this information of your own accord. I credit you for that, and maybe some of the other commenters might take that into consideration before berating you. I would be concerned if YOU were the one indulging in internet stalking this woman rather than your wife. You weren’t. ‘Nuff said.

    It’s also natural for your wife to still be somewhat obsessed with her. Keeping tabs on her via Facebook might not seem healthy, but it may have brought her some comfort to see her involved with someone else. Furthermore, I believe she may have told you as a way to guage your reaction. It seems that, given the fact she fell asleep in your arms, she was satisfied with what she saw.

    Now I’m going to make myself extremely unpopular:

    Keep your dismay regarding the OW’s new relationship to yourself. Do not inflict it on your wife.

    I don’t believe your reaction is any sort of “huge red flag”. I think it’s just natural and human. We are egotistical creatures whose pride is easily damaged. You seem happy with the decision to work on your marriage in spite of the difficulties inherent in that decision. Focus on that and keep moving forward. This isn’t to suggest that you should bury your feelings, but inflicting them on your wife every time your ego feels bruised is not going to help. That’s what your (individual) counselor is for.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Anonymous says:

    Your feelings about the OW moving on is human, and as humans, we do tend to be selfish and think about ourselves. But thats when you have to really think and understand that how you perceive something isn’t always the reality, and when you objectify it, the affair just boils down to 2 people that sharing thoughts and feelings… This could happen with any number of people. What’s truly special is the commitment between your family – you choosing your marriage, your wife choosing your marriage, and the bond between each member of your family. At the time, the affair seemed special. And now when you put everything in perspective.. does it still seem so special? In the end, what makes things special, is really our choices, commitment and how we perceive things.

    I do think its important that you are honest with your wife, to acknowledge your feelings, but also to decipher them and put them in perspective. In your wife’s concern over her pregnancy, the deeper concern is probably – is she going to come back and lure you away again, this time with a stronger reason – a baby. Your wife doesn’t want to lose you. And if the OW was pregnant though, would you have left your family to support her child, but to abandon your own? Tough choice… so to alleviate your wife’s fears, is there anything the OW could offer or do (including threats and a pregnancy, your wife’s own depression..), to make you choose her over your wife.

    Finally… might I point out an interesting event – you mentioned you have never gotten along with your son, but recently you’ve finally started to develop a closer, more meaningful and rewarding relationship with you. Does this experience parallel the relationship with you wife? Is there anything the son could have done to push you away to not love him anymore? If not, then why should this be any different from your wife? Your love for your son is unconditional, and so should it be for your wife. And my point in this isn’t about unconditional love, but to offer a sense of hope – that in perseverance and love, one day maybe your relationship with you wife will suddenly deepen just as it has with your son. You just need to wait and find the opportunity for that to happen.

    Like

  10. Quizzical says:

    You both moved on as a necessary evil. I’ve notice that when taking out the blame game from the equation it changes the relationship for the better.

    Like

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