Last time I posted I was headed to my first session with a sex/marriage counselor. I mentioned that I do not like to disclose personal information (except on here for some reason). I was not thrilled to go but I told my wife that I would do it. My wife had met her last week and likes her so I will give it a chance.
So I show up and she introduces herself and then she spent the first half of our session trying to make me feel comfortable. She explained that she can’t disclose anything (which I knew but still struggle with) and she knew all the topics we are going to talk about are going to be hard and uncomfortable. She also told me that my wife had talked to her about one of my jobs and we have a friend in common. If I had known she had a friend that was a friend of ours, I would have never agreed to go. But I was already there so I gave it some effort. Then she wanted to recap what my wife told her and I needed to let her know if I had a different perspective or it was one of the lies I had told earlier.
She went over everything and I said most of it was correct. There were a few details that we discussed but in the end the story was the same. Really, how different can it be when you are dealing with infidelity? At the base of it all is problems rooted in a relationship that are not being dealt with and the lack of honest communication. This leads one person in the relationship to try and fill the missing needs somewhere else. This does not mean that the innocent partner knew there were issues with the relationship. Often one partner has a problem and they do not know how to discuss it with their partner or even recognize there is a problem themselves. I had needs that were not being met and even though I thought I was communicating well enough for her t understand, I obviously wasn’t. I think she had many of the same problem but I found the answer with someone else and she folded up inside herself.
The new therapist told me how impressed she was with the progress we have already made without the help of a professional. Some people it takes years to get where we are now. I was a little surprised but most of it is my wife. She is rarely angry about it and she just wants to move on and fix what was wrong with our marriage. I have been honest and open since it was all brought to light and I have not been defensive when asked questions. I felt like I have already caused her enough pain so if she wants to know something because it will help her understand and move forward then I will share. The pain she feels from me answering questions will be nothing compared to what she is already been through. I also believed that while I thought a large portion of our relationship problems lied on her doorstep, I have realized that more of the problems are on my shoulders and I need to accept that if I want us to work out. I was selfish and needy and I need to give more to her and us. I am hoping I didn’t bite off more than I can chew. This is not easy because I am constantly not wanting to bring it back up. I want to bury it and pretend that it never happened. But that won’t help her, or us. So I do my best.
I will be honest here. It is extremely difficult because I have told so many lies that I really don’t know what she knows or if she is basing all of her decisions on a lie I have told that we have not uncovered yet. It is also so easy to just not tell her the truth. I catch myself thinking all the time if she really needs to know the answer to that question. I think this will only bring hurt so I will just lie a little to take the sting off of it. But then I catch myself and I push through the pain and tell her what she wants to know. This seems to be a struggle for a lot of the stories I read on here. It seems that the betrayer struggles with full disclosure without getting defensive. I always think that all your doing is dragging it out. The more defensive you are, the more it looks like your hiding things, which only brings on more questions and drags out the healing process. I preferred the way we did it. We just ripped off the band-aide as fast as we could so we could look at the wound and then come up with a plan to heal the wounds. I don’t know that our pain as betrayers will ever match the pain we have caused but I will say it is no treat. It has consumed me almost every minute of every day. The guilt and shame the I have put on myself is close to unbearable. I have removed myself from everyone but my kids and my wife. I have nothing else, I don’t want anything else. The new therapist also knew this and was concerned that I do not have an outlet. The only thing I have is my personal therapist and that will have to do because I would much rather be isolated.
In the end I will give this therapist a chance. We meet with her as a couple next week. I am not sure what to expect. I remember asking her but I cannot remember what she said. I know my wife is happy that we are going to try to get better together. She spent time in my session trying to make sure that I don’t feel judged. I already had one like that and I have no interest in doing that again. I will just get up and leave. To her credit she did make me feel a little at ease on this topic. Our conversation was good as she did not recount anything my wife said with any judgment. In a way, I really would like to know how screwed up I am so I am trying to keep an open mind.
She also wanted to talk about my stress level. So we went through everything I have on my plate right now. Let’s see, I convinced the owner of our business to merge with another that will save everyone’s job but my own. So I am looking or a new job. The other two jobs I have also run out in June. So there is a good amount of stress there. I go from being over employed to nothing. Just thinking about it raises my stress level. I have a major project due that I have been putting off but I am running out of time. It is just such a pain to do and I really don’t like it because I don’d see the purpose behind it. Then we have this affair. The fear of my wife leaving me (although she would be justified to do so). I have a massive amount of triggers that are currently impossible to get rid of. I have just have to learn how to deal with them I guess. Then you can add in my injury which is the third year in a row that I have hurt myself at this time of year. My wife believes that this is what led to my depression. She was slightly concerned about this much stress. I am too, but for now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
My wife thinks that all of this for me began two years ago. I had a huge blow-up with my boss. He wanted me to do something that I knew was not right and ethically I could not do. I refused and refused, but eventually he did it himself but it was incredibly stressful. I also had to deal with the fallout of his stupid decision for the next 8 months, I hate that man (I never say hate lightly but he is the worst person I know). Then I tore a muscle in my leg and should have had surgery, but they did not want to operate unless it was a last resort because it was next to a major nerve. The chance of paralysis was too high to go right in, even just letting it heal could build enough scarring that it would put pressure on the nerve and make my life miserable. I had 4 months of physical therapy to see if that would work. They also worked on breaking any scar tissue that was building. Fast forward one year and the same boss (did I mention what I think about him) was surprised that he lost some major customers because of his decision the previous year. So he really wanted to make my life hell because we both knew I was right and he should have listened, it is what he hired me to do. I never rubbed it in his face or even mentioned it, but it did not matter. I also was applying for a couple of jobs and I was one of the last two candidates for one of the jobs that I really wanted. In the end I did not get the job and so I had to stay in my other job with a really great boss (please note the sarcastic tone). Then I broke my leg and was out 6 months for that. Fast forward to now, I have applied for a few jobs but nothing looks promising. So I oversaw the merger and played the part of puppet master. I convinced him that this was all his idea and he would benefit so he pushed ahead with the deal. So I am out of a job (as I mentioned before that I eliminated my position by making the merger happen), and I hurt myself again. I won’t know how bad until I see the surgeon but it does not look promising. And now you add in our relationship problems and yes, I had a little stress (still do). This is on top of your everyday amount of stress, kids, wife, dinners, cleaning, yard work,… My wife really believes that it was the perfect storm that drove me away. I don’t really by into it because have always dealt with large amounts of stress before and never broke. And in the end I still had to make a conscious decision to do what I did. All the stress and lack of exercise for the last few years may have contributed a little but I will not push the blame on anyone but myself.
I do know part of what the therapist is going to have us do. Schedule time for us that is not negotiable. I can’t schedule anything there and neither can she. We tried this before and then she started scheduling things during that time. I can take a hint so I stopped pushing for it. But now she will want us to do it. I am all for it. I was all for it before, but maybe this time it will work. Then again that sounds like the definition of insanity. We are going to do the same thing and then we are expecting different results. Uggghhh….
I now constantly shake. And I don’t mean a little, I am shaking bad enough that I cannot eat with a spoon. My kids have started to notice it which worries me. I was also put on painkillers and muscle relaxers for my neck and back so I have quite the drug cocktail going. You would think with taking that many drugs I would get knocked straight out and sleep. Especially considering that all but one of my medications has the drowsiness warning on the label. Nope not me. While I can function with little amounts of sleep, I have to catch up sometime or I will crash horribly. I know it is already affecting my memory. Now I am just waiting for my migraines to start back up. It would just be the icing on the cake.
Now I have all this whining out of the way, I thought I should mention a couple of things that are going well. That way I can look back an understand that my life was not all miserable. I am really enjoying my trip right now and I have my two boys with me and we are having a blast on our down time. My wife and I are doing better and we constantly make time to talk and share how we are feeling each day. I am trying to find selfless ways of showing that she is constantly on my mind. I hid a card in her bag before I left with a note telling her to have a good time and not worry about me. I will make it. I always will, I am a survivor.
I am just hoping that all my stressors will go away soon and we can move on to whatever it is that we decide to do. I just want her to be happy and if it is not with me, then I will be happy to move on because in the end it will help her.
Teeth are always in style – Dr. Seuss