I am going to post more than once today. One I would like to continue how I got to where I am but I also wanted to share a feeling that I have had almost from the day my affair was fully revealed.
The biggest thing that I regret about this whole mess I have caused is the deceit. The lying, manipulation, hiding, sneaking, just all of not being honest. It is not who I am or who I have ever been. I have always prided myself in being honest and very forth coming so this was so out of character for me I sometimes look back and even wonder who that person was that did all those things.
I was so deceitful that even writing about it makes me sick. I know it is the part that hurt my wife the most. The fact that I could look her straight in the eye and lie to her. She asked me early on in the affair if I was sleeping with the OW. I lied and lied. I hid and made up stories. I know I could have kept doing it but I believe I wanted to get caught because I could not figure out how to get out of what I was doing. It just wasn’t who I was so it ate at me very quickly.
This will be one of the hardest things for me to build back up in our marriage because she used to think she could always tell if I was lying (think Christmas, birthday’s, stuff that I would try and hide to keep the surprise). I don’t know if she will ever fully trust what I say again. If she can, she is a better person than I ever hope to be (I would actually say that I think she is anyways). I know I never could. I have a very long memory and hold grudges too long.
Well here is what I have been feeling since I was fully discovered and it is because I have a hard time thinking that she can ever forgive me, trust me, or want me after what I have done. When I leave her presence, whether I go to work or just the grocery store I feel an overwhelming sense of panic. It is so hard not to go crazy. I know she probably has issues when I am not with her about what I am doing and am I actually doing what I say I am doing. But I fear that when I get back she will have left. She will have taken what she wanted and left me. It is really what I think I deserve but just the thought of it drive me into such a panic.
I was hoping that as we moved along it would get easier and fade away but it is only getting stronger and stronger. I am sitting at work right now reading this imagining her getting her stuff and getting in her car and being gone. I am shaking and trying not to hyperventilate. So I try and send her texts and call her when I am driving just to try and ease my fears. I hope she does not think I am smothering her and if she needs me to back off I will, but it will be hard and probably come at a cost to my sanity.
I am just trying to make it…
It’s opener, out there, in the wide open air – Dr. Seuss