I purposely did not write yesterday. I had to work and normally I have plenty of time to write when I am there, but I needed some time just think. The night before was rough as my wife and I had a talk and it really did not go so well. I think I will start there.
I mentioned in the last post that we talked about our upcoming return to our normal lives. Our conversation let me anything but optimistic about what was coming. I was already down and that did not help. That was three days ago. Two days ago, when I posted my last post, I couldn’t get out of bed. I just couldn’t. I called in sick and just stayed there. I probably only left for about 4 hours of the day. I was going deeper into this depression that overwhelms me. It was as bad as it has ever been even before I began my medication. That last time it was even close to this bad was around Christmas and my birthday (which are really close together). And that had the added misery of those to holidays. Did I mention that I hate Christmas and my birthday? That will definitely be a later post, but I will just say that those two days are usually just miserable. I make them fun and memorable for my kids, but I will never like those holidays. But back on topic.
In those 4 hours I was out of bed I wrote my wife an email. It was much of what I wrote 2 posts ago about how I believe my selfishness led us down this path. I sent her a text telling her that I sent her an email. Then I immediately followed it with an email that I think I already regret sending it. She did not need to hear about my problems when she has her own. I need to deal with my selfishness and fix that so we can heal. She responded that she would not read it then. I thought for a minute and said she is welcome to read it if she wants because it says how I am feeling right now and how I have been processing things in my head. But she needs to know that I am not looking for anything from her. It is not an email that I want her to feel sorry for me (which was also in the email). I am not the victim here, I am the perpetrator. So I don’t need anything from her. I just wanted her to know where my head is because she always asks.
When we finally saw each other at the end of the night I knew she read the email. I could see it in her face. She asked if we could talk and I said I don’t think I could feel any worse so now would be a good time. I said just don’t hold back or sugar coat anything. She sat there for a minute and then we talked.
She told me that while she promised me to work on our marriage for a year and then reevaluate where we are, she does not believe that it will work out. She said that she does not think that she will ever be what I really want. She said she will never be this fun exciting adventurous person that I want. She is never going to want sex, think about sex, crave it the way I do. She said she believes that I will always want new and exciting. I will float from girl to girl getting a new pretty face. I will feed off the excitement of a new relationship. She thinks that I want to stand out and be desired by women and as soon as that changes into a lasting relationship I will move along. She believes that she will never be able to provide me with those feelings. She said she loves me but she does not think that I love her in the right way anymore.
Well, thinking I couldn’t feel any worse was definitely wrong. I really did not know what to say. I still am stunned now two days later. I don’t think she is right about a lot of it. I don’t think I could ever jump from girl to girl. She thinks I want meaningless sex and the excitement of the chase. That is not the case. Even in my affair I built a connection through texting well before I did anything with the OW. I did not go into detail in my posts, but I felt connected to her. The emotional affair was there before the physical.
I tried to explain that it was not about the sex for me. I know that was part of it but that is not what drove me to do what I did. She said that she could not believe that because every time I saw her it was for sex. There might have been a dinner or a walk or whatever but I went there for sex. I could not really argue because she was right I did go there for sex, and every time we did have sex. I told her she was right. I did do that. I don’t know if I ever believed that all of this is about sex. I told her I really cannot believe that this is about our sexual disconnect otherwise I would have done this well before now. We have always had this issue and I had never done it before. She agreed to that point but did not know what else to say, neither did I.
We ended up going to sleep as I had to be up and gone by 5am the next morning and it was already midnight. I have a long drive on these days so it gives me lots of time to think. To process. To have delusional thoughts in my head. To come up with the worst possible scenarios. It was not a fun drive.
Work was awful. I had to deal with some personnel issues that involved disciplining a few of the people I work with. That is never a fun process. Luckily they understood why and agreed to what was going on. So on that part it made my job easier. Then I got the long drive back with more time inside my own head.
I am not really sure how to respond. It wasn’t the chase that I liked it was the attention she gave me. When I tell her this she says it is because when you are there you are there for sex and her attention it on me. Not the kids, or bills, or laundry, or any other shit that you cannot get away from at home. It is as I have described many times “fantasy land”.
But the attention was more than when I was with her. It was the messages we would send back and forth in various formats. A lot of our conversations were suggestive in nature. We didn’t sext, but we had conversations that were definitely arousing. She has seen them and said there is no way should would ever be able to text me like that.
I am lost at to what to do. Do I want to stay with her? Yes, I think I do. Do I expect her to succumb to my every sexual wish? No, that is not fair to her. Should she have to increase the frequency to meet my wants? No, but at the same point the person with the higher sex drive is always at the mercy of the person with the lesser drive. It is hard to compromise here because I at least want her to want me when we do it. I don’t want her to do it because she “has to”. Can I live with what we had/have knowing that there are people who have the same drive as I do? Knowing that I had that with the affair. Knowing that what I seem to want is only an hour and a phone call away. I see this as a no win situation, but that has been the way it has always been for us.
I still don’t believe that this is about the sex. I still think we both have the same problem, we just manifest it differently. We want to be valued by our spouse. We want to feel needed in numerous ways that are not monetary or utilitarian. We the other person to recognize what we do for each other. We need to want each other. Do we have that now? No, I can say we don’t. Is that where we need to work towards? It is as good as any place I guess. She manifests this lack of validation as depression and withdrawing herself from me and the family. I have now (in the last year) done the same. Do I need the physical side to gain that validation for me? Yes, I do, but that is not the only thing. What do I need to do to validate her in our relationship? How do I make her happy? I wish I knew. I wish I knew 20 years ago, 15 years ago, hell, even 1 year ago and I think we would be in a much different place.
I am not convinced that she will put all of herself into rebuilding the marriage because she does not think it will work out and she has every right to be reserved and not trust that it will work out because of what I have done. But then again what do I know, I am the lying, cheating husband who is selfish and can’t even make his wife happy. Good luck to me. At least I have therapy tomorrow where hopefully he can talk me down off this ledge.
Why fit in when you were born to stand out? – Dr. Seuss