Second post of the day. I have therapy today and have a list of things to talk to him about. I like lists, I need them to stay organized and productive. And so I don’t forget stuff, because right now I can’t even remember the pass-code into my phone. Anyways, I wanted to continue with my story.
I left off telling you that I convinced her to stay for the first time. I was making changes that I thought would make her happy and a positive difference in our lives (this is where I now think I was selfish) but she started to get down on herself quite a bit. I bought her a business, something she wanted to do and was very good at. It let her get out of the house and interact with people. This seemed to help for a while. Everything I tried helped for a while but it was like putting a band-aide on a cut that needs 50 stitches. It will help a little but in the end the bleeding will still seep through.
I was working with some people that I did not particularly like and they very publicly stated they did not like me. I had made two friends while being there. This is surprising to me because I am not outgoing at all. It was a family that my wife knew (she is outgoing when put in the right environment) and introduced me to both of them on different occasions. While my work situation was not very fun, the friend I got along with the most and could talk to about most anything (I have never had one of these friends before and I won’t ever again) moved away to another country on the other side of the world. Then the other friend who was always a bit odd did somethings for which I needed to turn him over to the authorities. He worked with me and he was doing things that no one should ever do, once I found out I had to intervene. At the time I was responsible for getting all the information to the authorities, getting him removed from his job, and making sure he can never be placed in a situation that he might use to his advantage again. Unfortunately, as it was a personnel issue at work and could not be discussed openly people assumed that I was intervening to protect him because we were friends. I took a lot of public heat for the decision and still to this day he does not know I am the one that turned him in and everyone still believes that I was trying to protect him when it was so far from the truth. But when a shark smells blood they don’t care what the source is they are just going to eat what is there.
So I was having a lot of stress, but even with all this stress I was doing phenomenal at my job. Then I got a chance to move back closer to her family (and mine but we never would see them) by taking a different job. When I found out I went and we discussed it. She was really excited but I was not sure I wanted to do it. It required a couple of years of schooling that I needed and then we might have to move again. We did not decide that night as I was leaving for a overnight work trip the next day so we would decide when I got back, or so I thought.
When I got back she had already lined up a buyer for her business, found us housing, found herself a job, made plans on how we were going to move back because she could go much earlier than I could. So I guess it was decided and I accepted the position. Still to this day I am not sure it was the right decision but I really thought it would make her happy to be by her family again. But at the time I really did not have an issue with it and I would still do it again.
So we moved. She went a couple of months before me with all her stuff. She had her dad and brother fly out and drive back with her and the kids and then get all our stuff moved in. I got a small apartment and finished out the time in my old job.
Things were good for a while. We saw her family all the time. She was familiar with everything, she knew more people. I was glad to see her happy. I had an old friend from high school that still lived in the area and we were able to go do things every once in a while. So all seemed well. But one thing you don’t get when you live far away from all your family is most of the drama. My wife had always naturally been the piece maker and now she was in the middle of everything. Not in a bad way but it was taxing on her. She told me a few times she really wished we hadn’t of moved back. She started having more down days than before. This is when her naps started. She wouldn’t take them all the time and for the most part they were just naps. But every once in a while they would be all day/night naps.
We lived in a very religious community and while we were both raised in this religion. I am no longer practicing but her family started to become much more devoted. I mentioned earlier that we only ever fought about sex but hat would be incorrect because this is the other sore spot in our marriage as well.
When we first talked about getting married this was one of my deal breakers. I did not have a problem with the morals and values that the religion taught, but I did have a problem with how they used guilt and fear to do it. I did not like the social pressure that was there because of it and I wanted nothing to do with it. At the time she was on the same page. She had the same thoughts as I did. We agreed that we would not be having our family grow up in that environment. We could teach them the same morals and values without the other stuff. I know it surprises some people but you can be a good person even if you don’t go to church (I am not bashing religion here, just the people who judge others that are not the same). Well, we had two kids at this point and she wanted to start taking them to church, which I agreed to. I knew she was feeling pressure from her family even if no one said anything, so I did not think it could hurt much. This will become relevant much later but this is the point when she changed even more.
We would have discussions about it over and over. We did not fight so much as have slightly more intense discussions than normal. I agreed to let them go but if there is a point where they don’t want to go I will not force them to do it. I will support them in their endeavors but I was not going to go to anything more than I had to within the church for them. I do not like it and a lot of it has to do with my upbringing but as I said that is a topic for another blog.
So we had been discussing religion a lot when she asked to leave me the second time. I said I was shocked and hurt and I was, immensely so. And so I did what I thought I what would make her happy since she did not seem to know herself. I agreed to be more active in the church, make her family happy, blah, blah, blah… I do want to be clear her family never has said a word about our religion issues. They have been very good about staying out of it but it does not mean there wasn’t perceived pressure by my wife. There was a lot of it.
It was around Christmas and we had left our kids with her parents for the night and we were at our place alone when she told me again that she thought it might be best if she left me and the kids. I was so much better with them and all the same stuff she said before. I can still picture her standing in the doorway to the hall telling me this. She wasn’t as insistent as the first time, but it hurt as much, probably more. I did not know what to do. We talked and talked about working on us but she did not know what would make her happy so I did not know what we would work on. It was insanely frustrating. In the end she was going to stay and we were going to work at it. But I knew something else was bothering her. Well, it came up shortly after the terrible holiday season. She wanted another baby. Ughh… I did not. She knew I only wanted a boy and a girl and when we got those rather quickly I was very happy and felt extremely lucky. But her sister and her sister in-law were all trying to have another baby and so she wanted another so they would all have one around the same age. We went back and forth about this but I finally gave in.
Why did I give in you might ask? Well, what do you have to do to have a baby? You betcha! And we did it more often than the last five years of our marriage. And it was good and we talked about how we both really enjoyed it and enjoyed each other when we are this close this often. Well, it did not take long to get baby #3, at the exact time she wanted, right in between the other two.
I should explain something about her, she loves babies. I mean really loves babies. I think if she could be a surrogate for 1,000 babies she would do it as long as she got to keep the baby for the first year. She is that person that will walk up to strangers and look and smile and hope to hold anyone’s baby. Here is the good part… Not shortly after she has our third child I get notice that we get to move again and it is to another state still 2000 miles away.
I felt a little guilty but that was the plan from the beginning. She added in the baby to the plan, we added the baby into the plan but I still had to work. I know she was upset about it. She was hoping that she would get at least one of her children to grow up near cousins and grand parents. So she fell deeper down the well. As the time got closer and closer she was more and more sad and distant. I was supportive and we were doing as much as we could with her family. But I will always be the person who took her away from her family. I felt bad but she also was tired of all the family drama, so in one sense she was relieved, or so she told me. Maybe she said it so I would not feel as bad about moving.
It isn’t like I wanted to move. I liked her family. They were the first people to bring me in and treat me like someone who mattered. I would still like her family if I could bring myself to talk to them ever again. Her youngest brother lived with us for a couple of summers and all while we were dating we let him tag along on everything. They were the family I never had. So I was not exactly thrilled about the move either. We were again going some place we knew no one and had to start all over.
So now she has asked me to leave her twice, I am taking away her family, add the stress of a new baby and she really became depressed. This is the first time she ever looked for help and it was right before we left. She got in and talked to a counselor for a while and was put on anti-depressants and then we moved on to the next adventure. But all this stress and add in an anti-depressant with it and can you imagine how much she wanted to give me any attention, let alone sex. I tried to be supportive and helpful but what do you do when they say they don’t know what will make them happy. So while we came together as parents and a couple to face the challenge ahead. We grew farther apart on an intimate level. It became more like a business partnership than a marriage. And then we begin the third chapter of our life…
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere – Dr. Seuss
I have a question. I apologise profucsely if I cause any offense. If she has asked so many times for separation, have you ever considered it? I mean, it seems like she was always pulling away, and you would regather her, a merry little dance. You pursuing her, and her being caught. I have a theory about some women, and PLEASE if I am wrong, I am so sorry. I think some of them don’t know what they want. What would happen to her if you two separated? Is she capable of supporting herself and her share of the children’s expenses? Do you think it may be a kind of idle threat? I’m depressed and so unhappy (and I have not doubt she is, I feel immense empathy for her, depression is life-sucking for everyone, a partner is in it too, and the depressed party feels truly terrible for causing that unhappiness to the partner) and I need to make changes, maybe divorce would be good? But what if she wasn’t any happier alone? A good old-fashioned “trial separation?” I guess she has gond over a lot of this with her counsellor/s?
I don’t mind the question at all. She actually hasn’t talked with her counselor about this yet but we have discussed it before. We actually talked about it before I had the affair. She did not want to do it because (this is my opinion) her self-esteem is so low that she would not think I would come back. She views me in a different light than I view myself. She sees me as a very attractive man who can get the attention of anyone if he chooses. So she thinks if she lets me out I would fly away. I was originally the one pushing for it, but I could not really find away to financially make it work. She works because she enjoys it, not because she needs the money to support herself. So she would not make enough money to make it work. I also offered to pay all living expenses for our house and all the kids expenses and we could get a cheap one bedroom where we could possibly go week on week off type situation. She did not want it at all. If I was going she would not take a dime from me.
In the end I don’t think she really ever wanted to go so much as it was a cry for help and she did not understand it herself. So she wanted to return to where she felt safest, where she grew up surrounded with friends and family.
I have told her she can leave at anytime and I will not stop her anymore. If she needs out, I will let her go, especially now. She has more of a reason than ever to leave.
Okay, but if she suggests leaving again, why not call her bluff as such. Not in a mean or vindictive way (you don’t seem that way inclined anyway 🙂 ) Just let her go for a while. Let her see how it feels. If it’s any better? If you love her you’ll still be there if it doesn’t work out. I trust you would wait for her for some time. And if she is happier, then you both have your answer. I am not suggesting do this tomorrow, just a thought for you if after some time working at this she still mentions separation x
Funny you should write this tonight. It was a rough day for both of us. We should probably never have counseling on the same day. It never ends well.
But she told me again how she feels she should leave because I am such a better parent.
Long story short, I did tell her she can go. Then we got to the conversation about how she didn’t want to go. She just keeps feeling inadequate as a parent, wife, …
It has been a long few days. I haven’t ate or slept for two days and tomorrow the two of us are driving to the town where the OW lives. Ughhhhh….