I fear the end is near. Every time I step forward or move to get out of this cloud I am thrust back in violently. I have a hard time believing that this will ever be salvageable.
I know I have had the best last few weeks. A couple somewhat difficult days but for the most part it has been getting better and better. I started thinking positively and being optimistic. I guess I should have known better. If anything I think I am getting out of all this is that it really doesn’t matter in the end. Nothing does, because it will always be there.
My mistake will always be there staring at me in the face. Haunting her as we try and go about our lives. No there is no escaping so in a way there is no living. Not real life where we can both be happy and only have to worry about our day to day lives. Where we are anxious to see each other at the end of a long day. No, what I have given us is a bastardized version of life. I may be excited to see her at the end of the day, but will she be excited to see me or has she ran into something or someone who has brought her back to this place. We can’t make plans without checking off the list of the things we no longer feel comfortable doing.
All this from my choice to seek attention outside my marriage. Now I am stuck, I have no outlets to try and decipher all these things in my head. Even this post may not be up long before it goes private. I cannot figure out how to move on or where to go. We had a huge setback in the last 24-36 hours and it feels like we started all over. How can this be moving toward happiness (which actually does not exist) if this is what we have to look forward to in life?
We all know there is no forgetting. There is trying to move past it, but how do you move past when it steps in front of you each time you try and move forward. It is like that big bully from grade school that won’t let you move until he gets your dessert. I don’t know what this bully wants so how can I give it to him to move forward. I just can’t understand it in my own feeble brain.
I am writing this as fast as I can so that I won’t go back and delete it all. Or keep it in my drafts folder. If only you saw the number of drafts I have written that I have not posted. But this one is different. This one is one that won’t go away.
People left and right keep telling me I need to forgive myself and that as time goes on it will become easier. I get that it will never be the same but how can it be full of love and happiness when you have this dark cloud hanging over you just waiting to shoot lightning bolts at you every time there is even a hint of sunshine. I do think I am that unique, maybe I am because I don’t see an avenue for forgiveness and I don’t see the tunnel I am walking down getting any brighter anytime soon.
So what am I left with? choices, that is all I am left with and not very good ones at all. Let’s see Option #1: stay and work hard on our marriage, as I am doing it with no guarantee that it will actually get any better or she may just decide that it is too much and want to leave. Option #2: We split and put our kids in very difficult positions. We both still love each other so seeing each other will just be constant torment. We will have trouble moving on, her because she won’t be able to trust as she should. I took care of that. And me because I will always have this scar, this brand that I am what I am based off what I did. It is not the man that makes the pure and righteous decisions, no it is those decisions that make the man. Option#3: Keep taking absurd amount of drugs and alcohol that distort reality and pretend everything is going well. Live in a haze on the border between reality and dreamland. Option #4: Blow up the entire world and then see what happens.
I look at this list and I see pain in Option #1 and #2. I see Option #3 as the least painful, but I know it really is not something that I could keep up. I don’t like taking drugs that much. Option#4, I think it is the back-up plan of back-up plans and then I don’t think I could find enough gun powder.
I am lost again. I should probably go back and look though all my posts and chart the level of despair or optimism in each post. Maybe there is pattern. At least then I could see it all coming. It is something that I can plan for, not this. The unknowing of me forgetting something and her finding it and it throws us back into a tailspin again. Or us just running into someone or something that brings it all back. There is no hiding from this, there is no getting past this, there are only decisions. And not very good ones.
I know, some of you are going to say hang in there. It really does get better with time. You can be stronger in the end. What end? There is never an end to this. How can it get better? Can I forget this? Can I look at her and not see the pain? Can she look at me without constantly comparing herself with the OW? While I wrote a post on how I don’t believe in hope, I sure can believe in hopelessness. Maybe this is what I get when I write a rally positive post. Sorry you all have to read my whining of the hopelessness of my situation. I just wish it could all be different.
It looks like a hiatus is going to be coming. I need to shut down. I need to build a fortress and this just breaks that down. Who knows, maybe I will be able to get it figured out, or stop trying all together.
How the Grinch stole Christmas – Dr Suess