The weather is colder, the trees are changing colors, high school football is everywhere and you know that we are changing seasons. Fall is here. I love fall because it seems the most drastic of all changes and the quickest. It is what I have wished for all my life, drastic changes. But is change ever really possible? I have watched people come and go and it seems that so many people try and make changes but when you see them a few months or years later they are right back where they were.
If you have followed much of my blog you may see that I have a common theme here other than Dr. Seuss and that is I am stuck in marriage/relationship purgatory. I am in a place I want to get out of but cannot seem to be able to do it. That does not mean that I want to end my marriage, that is not the case, but I need it to be out of the place where it has been. I need to move past all of this pain and heartache.
I have gone through way too much of the past in the last few days. Digging into things that went on and question after question about everything. In the end it was all just a verification that I had been telling the truth. The problem is that it may have helped her move a little forward and put a little bit of trust back into my corner. However it threw me right back into the middle of it all. All the things I am working to forget were all brought back out in stunning detail. I got to relive conversations, events, lies, all of it. There were a few other things that were talked about in regards to the present as well. In the end I figured something out. Isolation may be the best thing for me.
I have decided to change. I have decided to just be different and show the happy person I once was and everyone is looking for now. I think I have said numerous times that I want to bring this person out but it is hard really hard. Not now. As we were going through all the past crap, I felt myself, not so much slipping away as breaking. Breaking the connections inside of me that merge feelings, reality, fantasy, and outward appearance. I felt the connection just break and it has never felt so familiar. So I have changed.
I pushed the broken pieces away. I pushed the feelings and connection to reality out into the realm of the unknown. Now I can focus on being who and what I want to be without worrying about if that is who I really am. By focusing only on outward appearances and the connection to fantasy it will make it simple. I just have to appear that way and then to everyone else’s reality that will be who I really am. I can be anyone I want. I can be the happy-go-lucky guy everyone used to know and love. To me it is simple.
So you may see a change on here. You may actually start seeing the positive things people need to see and here. You will see how much better my family will be doing because of this change. You may see words of wisdom, words of positive advice, but mostly you will see a change.
I can here a lot of people telling me that I am cheating myself by not letting me be who I am, who I really am inside. But how do I know that this is not who I really am? Maybe I am the chameleon of personalities. I can just change to adapt to my surroundings. I can just be what is expected and then no one will even question the authenticity of me. That is the funny thing about the human mind. People see what they want to see. If they are looking for something specific and they see it then it must be true, it must be what is really there. Why do you think magicians and con-men are so good at what they do. They give you what you expect to see all the while doing something else that you don’t funny grasp or don’t want to grasp because it is outside of your realm of expectations.
If a situation does not concern me then I am very good at reading it. I can read people, emotions, and to some extent their expectations. So by removing my emotions and the connection to reality, I am essentially making it possible to do that in every situation, whether I am part of it or not. I just have to read it and give the appropriate response.
I considered just shutting everything down. Closing this blog and every other outlet I have used to help heal through all this. And while I may not be using it as I have in the past I think I want it to stay around. I love to hear the advice people throw my way or their interpretation of what is going on in my life. I even love the insults people throw my way. I don’t know that I want to give all that up quite yet.
It is hard to imaging that I started this a little of 6 months ago and I have well over 500 followers and so many others who just see to read and comment without following. This is one reason I am keeping this up for now. Obviously people are using this to some extent to heal or to give themselves or their marriages hope. Then there are the few that love to watch this train wreck. Any reason people read this I am grateful that I can provide each of you something, even if it is only added displeasure of who I am.
So off I go, time to be what is expected of me. Time to be the thoughtful husband, caring father, and industrious worker. Time for me to fulfill everyone’s expectations.
If who you are isn’t good enough, be someone else ~B
Sometimes you need to fake it till you make it. I did this last spring and it actually helped. When someone asked me how I was… I always said great! Even when I felt like shit. I think this attitude is a step in the right direction for you! I like it.
Interesting approach. I have to say, when people talk about losing themselves or trying to find themselves I don’t really get it. After all, what exactly are “you” (or me). As people we have all sorts of crazy sides and facets. We play all sorts of roles, some because we have to and some because we want to. But all of them shape us, so is any one really more “us” than the other?
I don’t know. I’m not sure there is a core “me” – and that’s coming from someone who feels in touch with his identity and thinks he knows who he is.
So playing a role for other people? As long as you don’t hate it, or resent other people for it, why not. We all have roles to play, and I think that’s just part of who we are.
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Agree with Drew – There isn’t a “true” self. We all make decisions – some good, some bad. As for “faking it”… well how’s that different from people saying “be positive, look on the bright side…”. As you’ve put it so nicely, it’s all a matter of persepctive and at the end of the day – you’re the one in control of that perspective.
I don’t think you’re becoming someone you’re not, or living just to meet everyone else’s expectations. At the end of the day – it sounds like you want to move on from this as well and be “happy” as well.
You will get there. Someday.
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