If only I could find a shell to hide in. Too much today…..
And the turtles, of course…all the turtles are free, as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be. -Dr. Seuss
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Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
If you find a shell supplier let me know i too could hide away in one for a while….these bad days or weeks as it feels at the mo suck🐢🐢🐢
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Every time I think it can’t get worse… Don’t even think it!
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Wishing you peace!
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It seems to get worse before any true growth occurs. We tend to have our biggest breakthroughs after it gets “worse”. Its all in how you deal with it. I swear you have to completely hit rock bottom. The gift in hitting rock bottom is that you can re-build your foundation the way you want to.
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Well I don’t know I can fall much farther without hitting the point of no return. Then again when I say this somehow it finds a way to get worse.
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I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I talked about the exact thing last night. It all seems hopeless right now, and that is really scary. I know when I look at the whole big picture, I can’t deal. So I’ve learned to take it a chunk at a time. Sometimes its just getting through the next hour. Try to remember that growth and change are uncomfortable, even painful. You are both facing some pretty big demons (from your past and present). Your marriage, like mine, took years to get to the breaking point. You both have your own grievances and pain to deal with. Its very difficult to overcome and make the changes necessary.There will be very low lows but there will also be very high highs. It takes time. Taking the first few steps is the hardest.
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Why does it feel like the first step is falling off a cliff? What ever happened to baby steps?
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It is a bunch of baby steps. But making the first step is making the choice to do so. Which is the most scary. Once you make that step, then you take a few more small steps. They get less and less scary the more you take. But there are still times, where its frightening. Where it all seems hopeless. What does the end of this journey look like for you? Is it reconciliation and a better marriage? If so, focus on taking the steps that will get you there. Whatever path you choose, there will be dark days and cliffs that you fall over. These are the days you need to really dig deep and find your strength. These are the days you need to remember why you started this journey to begin with. As you continue to push forward the dark, scary days will become less frequent. Just remember to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and your wife. And to communicate. I swear that’s 90% of all issues in relationships. To steal a quote from the Batman movie – the night is always darkest just before dawn.
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You said something that makes me chuckle. What does the end of the journey look like for me? Or her for that matter? I have asked this question in 3 or 4 of the last counseling sessions, both individual and as a couple. We have yet to find an answer. So they feel saying move forward. To which I ask, which way is forward if you don’t know where you are going? Then I get the trust the journey because that is what matters. Well I would like to pick the path my journey goes down, toward something. I may never reach it but knowing I am moving in the right direction will make everything a billion times easier.
And I love the batman quote.
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You won’t have it all figured out right away. And that’s ok. Give yourself and your wife permission to not know. I didn’t know immediately if I wanted to stay. My husband wasn’t sure either. We both chose to behave in a way that didn’t make the situation worse. Even if we divorce, I still have to co-parent with him and would like an amicable relationship. I approached the situation as I’m going to do what I need to as an individual to get myself in a place where I feel stronger and more confident. Initially all of my effort was on myself. I did work to build my self esteem. To stop comparing myself. To learn tools to help with triggers and the pain. To learn new ways of thinking more positive. I still do alot of individual work and still see an individual therapist. I have personal goals written out with her and we assess my progress every visit. Its helped me tremendously! I learned early on that no matter what (if I’m with my husband or not) I needed to do the work to get myself to a happier, healthier place. My attitude was, I’m gonna do this for myself and if it benefits my marriage great. If not, then I’m still gonna be ok.
The focus has been shifting towards more marital/couple work lately. What can we both to do move forward and build the life we both say we want.
What if you work towards healing as individuals first and do some work to heal as a couple (even if you aren’t together you have to co-parent for the rest of your lives) alongside it? Give it 6 months and then reassess? You seem to want to reconcile with your wife. And she seems to want the same. I’d say you have your end goal figured out. You just don’t know how to get there and if you ever will and it is scary as hell. You are also basing the future on the past. Which is normal and actually not a bad predictor. But something very traumatic has happened to you both. People can and do change from it. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. You both seem to be trying to learn from this and make positive changes. It takes time to get over the pain and build trust and a new relationship. It all sucks. Its all cliche. But all very true. In order to experience true growth, you have to get out of your comfort zone.
Best Batman (well, Joker) quote: “You wanna know how I got all these scars?”
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That is basically our current approach. we are trying to work on ourselves but it is difficult because we have been so intertwined more than half our lives. So we don’t know how to do that one either.
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I SO get that. My husband and I are 38 and have been together for 22 years. Keep working with your therapist. If there is any silver lining its that at least you are both on the same page right now about your approach. That’s a start!
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“Be strong now
Things will get better
It might be stormy now
But it cant rain forever”
Saw this quote and thought of your latest post I also came across one awhile ago about learning to dance in the rain…. I’m dancing like crazy 😂😂 keep going sure we will all get through it 😊
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I don’t think it’s realistic to know where you will end up. But when there are two willing people and a lot of love, it’s usually a pretty good place. You are like me, we like to know because it makes us feel better, more in control of things. But this is different. Don’t throw anything lol but this is where my faith comes into play. I have to trust I will get where I need to go and believe that what’s meant to be will be. Because if I didn’t? I’d be terribly lost and wouldn’t see that huge light at the end of the very dark tunnel. Believe in yourself, your wife and the love you share. If she can move on from your affair (probably the most painful time in her life) you need to start to do the same.
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