So where to begin, where to end. I guess it won’t really matter because I am sure I will get lost along the way. It is usually how my writing goes.
I think I will begin and talk about Wednesday. It was my last post with any real content. In it I was worried about a lot of decisions and the directions that counseling was going. Who was to know that 30 min after I post that, I could have gone to sleep forever and not waken up and been happy.
As I was writing the post I was also updating some old posts, just adding some images and linking them to the Facebook account that is connected to this account. While I was updating it I realized that the alias I was using for that account would be extremely recognizable by most people who know me. So I changed the name on the account. I did not think anything of it.
Well, my wife was about to head to yoga and I asked her to wait one second while I ran to the store and grabbed a couple things. I was gone about 10 min. When I come back she is on my laptop. I did not think it was any big deal. I have tried to be open and honest and if she wanted to look through anything then she was welcome to it. I just sat down and asked what she was looking at and she said Facebook. When she tried to open Facebook it automatically opened the last one I was on. She saw it and saw a new name. She quickly finished her stuff and then left to yoga. I knew as she was leaving that something was wrong.
Earlier in the day we had an amazing day set up by her. We had about 6 hours together and we used every minute of it. It was great. We were both in such good moods and happy. So I could tell something was wrong because she was cold when she left. No more happiness in her eyes or warmth in her embrace. Great, I had no idea at the time what was going on.
Her yoga class is about an hour, but she was not home around her usual time. No big deal. I could not text her because she left her phone home. I did not think much of it. Instead I wrote my post for that night and then started to get the kids to bed. She came home about 45 minutes later than normal but still I did not think anything of it. However, she was still cold. I asked her what was wrong and she kept telling me nothing. I was now worried. She would not talk and that was not a good sign. I started to have thoughts run through my head.
We got the kids to bed and now it was our time. After such a great day I was looking forward to snuggling up in bed and reading or who knows what else (wink, wink). Instead she popped herself some popcorn and said she was headed to bed. When I asked if she wanted company she said she didn’t need it. Now I knew for sure that what ever it was, is big. So I come to bed with her anyways. I sit there and let her read for a minute or two. I ask her again if she is okay. She says she is, but I know differently. I ask if she wants to talk and she says she does not think she is ready. She doesn’t want to ruin our good day. Too late! I went from have one of the best days I have had in months to complete panicking.
I told her we need to because it really won’t matter because if we stay like this the night is ruined anyway. I told her to just spit it out. She said “What do you think it is?” How the hell would I know? I quickly thought of everything that happened since we got home. I let her nap, kept the kids away; worked on my computer and started on the blog. She was asleep the whole time. Did I talk to anyone? Nope. Was there something she found that I did not know about that set her off? I really had no idea. I told her I was clueless.
She then said that saw my new fake Facebook and email. She said it was all starting up again and that I just couldn’t stop. I just wanted to throw up. I tired to explain that it is not new and that it is the one she already knew about and what I used it for and I only changed the name. I also explained why I had to change the name. She asked “Then why was I using “Incognito mode”?” I tried to explain that I had to use it to keep two different accounts open at a time. I was working between the two accounts and the only way to have two open at a time was to use incognito mode. The other reason is that I would not like my children to get on my laptop and accidentally run into it. I said I should have told her I was changing the name. I should have explained it to her when I did it, but I really did not think anything of it at the time. I pulled it all back up and showed her how it works to have them both open and what I was doing and what is on the Facebook page and my email. I have told her she can go through them at anytime. I do not want to hide anything.
By this time I felt like utter shit. I felt like I ruined the great day we had going. No, I know I ruined the great day we had. I was so tired two hours ago and now I knew I was not going to be sleeping. She felt bad and tried to convince me that it was not my fault, but it is all my fault. I am the one who put us in this situation in the first place. I am just waiting for her to get tired of all this drama and just want to find a more stable situation. This is why I feel the panic. This is one of the reasons I don’t sleep. This is why I don’t eat. If you had the choice of restarting and having a smooth path without all this or staying and continuously have these horrible moments, which would you choose? I am just waiting for that realization to kick in.
She tried to reassure me that she is not going anywhere and that I did not ruin the night. She says it but I know for at least that night I definitely did. I said it will not matter what she says I am always going to have that panic moments. I am going to be scared all the time about her leaving. I used the analogy of being scared of dogs. If you are terrified of dogs and someone comes up to you with their dog. It will not matter how nice it is, you will still be terrified. They could even reassure you that it is a nice dog. You may recognize that the dog is not going to harm you but it does little to lessen the fear of dogs. As long as the dog is there you will still be scared. She understood this to some degree.
I was able to hold her some while she slept. I got my mandatory 3 hours and then laid in bed dreading the counseling session coming up. And boy did I ever have reason to be afraid. In the session we talked about our conversation after last week and my wife left it feeling okay about where we were, yet I felt worse. Then I thought I had a good conversation planned the next night that went south quickly and made that day worse. The only difference was on the outside no one could tell that I was miserable and just wanted to curl up into a ball and become invisible. So my wife and family thought this was a good week and for them it was. Did I have moments I enjoyed? Yes. I just numbed all the negative feelings and then faked most of the positive feelings. This went all the way until I ruined our great day the night before.
Throughout the session our counselor kept wanting me to talk and share how I was feeling at that moment. Other than embarrassed by some of our discussions, I could not understand my feelings other than bad. I felt like shit. I wanted to get up and walk out. I wanted to disappear. That was how I felt, but what emotions? I have no idea. Was it a tough session? Yea. What did I get out of it? I cannot understand what I am feeling and it is okay to push all the negative feelings down and away. Then I can pretend to be happy and enjoy the few moments that I may enjoy.
Oh yea, and we got to talk about my wife reading my blog. “Hi honey!” because she is worried about me and needs to know where my head is at with things and how I am really feeling. I have told her from the start she can read whenever she wants. I don’t want to hide anything and if she sees something she wants to talk about then that is fine. But it brought up the discussion of me tracking my depression level and how I hover around a 5 most often but I have a number of days that drop to a 2 (0 is suicidal). You can add this day into that category. So we got to talk about topics I did not want to talk about, but I did because I am trying to trust the process.
After counseling, she needed to go back to work and I needed to get some done myself. About 1pm we met back up at home and I just wanted to crawl in bed and avoid the world. So I did. I gave into the depression and just went to bed. She came in and asked if I wanted her to be with me. Of course I did. I still loved her and if she was with me then she couldn’t leave. So she crawled into bed with me and I fell asleep wrapped up with her.
I slept until 5:30. The most I have slept straight without waking in a while. She then asked if I wanted to go to a concert. I found this odd on a number of levels but I will have to post those later or tomorrow. Then I might be able to move on to my night. For most accounts it did not get much better than my day.
So now I am just waiting for the rain drops in my life to stop falling. They just keep getting worse and worse and pretty soon I am going to have to hitchhike on Noah’s Ark in order to survive. I keep being told it will get worse before it gets better, well I am ready for better now. Or I am not sure how much more I can take. Or let her take. It hurts me just as much to see her being hurt by this as it does being hurt myself. At least I have the ownership of the origin of the pain, she has only me to blame.
The storm starts, when the drops start dropping. When the drops stop dropping then the storm starts stopping. – Dr. Seuss