I know some of you are wondering how my talk went last night. Well you may have to wait a while before I feel like I can write about it. It took a turn I did not expect and it was because I tried not to plan the discussion out ahead of time. It made for a long night. I had been sleeping better the last 3 nights and then last night, BAM 5:00am wide awake again. There goes sleeping again for a while I guess.
Now I am wondering what next. I am not sure. I believe everything is probably in my court as it seems to be more of lately and I don’t know how to proceed. I am thinking people are expecting the impossible. Be vulnerable. Open up more. Speak freely with your emotions and reactions. Trust her with your heart and soul. I don’t know if any of that is possible. If it is possible will I be the same person or am I now going to be someone so different she isn’t going to want me in the end anyways. So to put it mildly, I am struggling.
I have tried these last few days to really be open and talk with her. I have tried to be as attentive as I used to be. I am trying, really trying but it seems to backfire more times than it works. I just don’t know right now.
In our couples counseling she asked us what our end goal will look like in all this. She had my wife go first and we got a little side tracked and never came back to the original question. So I asked her on Thursday what she saw as the end goal and she doesn’t have any clearer picture than I do right now. We both feel like we are fumbling along in the dark. Maybe that is promising because we are the same wave length at least but I don’t know.
We are both stuck in the: we need to work on ourselves piece to make our relationship better, the end goal, and what we really need from our partner. Neither of us really know how to approach these items. Our individual counselors are supposed to help, but I feel like there are a million different things that they are supposed to be helping with so I don’t know how to fit that in. So now what…
I don’t even know how to proceed. Tomorrow is Father’s day and all I want is to be left alone. I want for it to be forgotten just like any other day. It was right about this time last year when the OW and I first started communicating and every Father’s day from here on out I will get that memory. I think I have ruined most all of the holiday’s with this affair. Father’s day, my wife’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year’s, and I am sure I am missing another one in there somewhere. I don’t even know what is left other than days just like any other day. Just like when I grew up. If you ignore the holiday and have zero expectations then you won’t be disappointed in the end. So, if all of the holiday’s can just be like another day then I think I might be okay. However, we all know that is not possible with kids. They need the holidays and they need a family to celebrate with them, so I have to find a way to make it through. Make them feel special while I can just crawl inside myself.
It has been a long time since I have needed to be this far inside of myself. I know I am protecting myself from the pain that was caused throughout the marriage but I also know that most of what I am protecting myself from is the pain I am causing myself. It is harder to protect against because of the internal nature but it is possible.
So today I am going to try and pretend it is another day, just like any other day. I will go about my work as if nothing has ever happened. I know all of you may think this is stupid because this is not what she wants. She wants the exposed me, but she has never seen that side of me so how does she know that is really what she wants. I know she is reading this and we will talk about me closing off again. It happens a lot. I am sure it is because it is my defense mechanism. It is the first thing I go to so I am not hurt. Can I change it? I guess we will see. You are talking about a lifetime worth of protection torn down in a short period of time. I don’t know how realistic it is.
But we are a couple, an odd couple, but one none the less. So I will try and I know she will as well. I just don’t know what will happen in the end. Some of you will say that is all that matters or that it is the journey that is important not the destination, but trying and failing, and failing, and failing and a journey without a goal is wandering without purpose. You need some where some thing to strive for and work to achieve. So the goal is important as so is the direction of the journey. But I have neither a goal or a direction and neither does she.
We love each other but she believes she is toxic for me. She thinks this is doing me more damage than good and that maybe we will never be able to be back together. Maybe she is right, maybe I have ruined things beyond repair. It is so hard because our counselors think we are doing so well, but we think we are miserable and not going anywhere. Do we still love each other, Yes!, As I posted before, Is love enough? Sometimes I wonder and I wonder is love so closely connected to misery that once you have one you can never be without one or the other. Maybe it is better to never have loved than loved and lost it all. Then again maybe I am just full it shit today and tired.
You have to be odd to be #1 – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
One of the most profound pieces of counseling that I ever heard was about a couple in crisis where every day each spouse was tasked to say a certain passage to the other. The same words daily wether they particularly felt that way or not. It could be anything, specifically something the other partner needed to hear. The husband chose to tell his wife how beautiful she was wether he felt it or not and then one day he woke up and realized just how beautiful she truly was. The light switch flipped back on. Difficult, maybe but possible, there is a reason you married to begin with, that never goes away.
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I think you think way too much sometimes n that’s from someone who also thinks way too much lol. You are trying n so is she. But you have to start letting go of the past. Both the affair n your repressed anger at her ignoring you over the years.
Yes the first year after affair sucks but you haven’t ruined holidays forever. Geez that’s melodramatic lol. 7 years later, I barely remember what month DDay was. Stop taking the world on your shoulders, it’s crushing you and not helping a goddamn thing.
Plz don’t retreat. Yes your vulnerable n maybe she won’t like the real you. But maybe she will love the real you. N it’s better you both know either way. Be brave my friend! I believe in you. xo
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I think I need to go on sabbatical. Maybe my posts need to be different in nature for a while. Then maybe I won’t ruminate on this whole situation.
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One of the hardest and most profound realizations ive come to is that you can’t control your feelings. Yes writing about something else may place your focus elsewhere for a bit, but I tend to believe that the only way out is through.
Also I look forward to your posts and as someone still in the early blissful stage you’ve helped me consider what I may be up against in the future.
Everything will remind you of her for a while.. that’s the nature of caring for someone.
Xo
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Might help. That’s why I refuse to let my blog be just about one topic. I’m a person and my life isn’t only about one thing. If I only wrote about 1 thing all the time, I’d go nuts lol.
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Wait I thought you were nuts… nope that is me again, projecting.
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LOL smartass n yes u are 😉
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I took sabbatical last winter. I listened to this and it helped me redefine myself http://schoolsucksproject.com/category/podcast/the-philosophy-of-stoicism/
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Heya 🙂 i hope to God its not just me but…. I think maybe u are being too hard on urself.. In refards to ruining all future holidays/inportant days. Hope u are showing love for urself and caring for urself xxxx
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Again, you sound very much like my husband. Three years after d-day, and this is the first year he has been even somewhat okay with celebrating his birthday and Father’s Day. He has repeatedly said he doesn’t deserve to be celebrated. I have told him that he continues to live his life in the right direction, he is truly repentant for what he did and that is what he needs to focus on. It’s okay to remember what happened. In fact, I think it would be reckless and extremely thoughtless if he were to forget when d-day was. It caused extreme trauma to me and nearly destroyed our marriage and family. But you can’t “live there”. Visit and remember once in a awhile so you live your life in the forward direction. Remembering can be a good tool as a gut check for present decisions and situations. Focus on the things you are doing right today. Focus on what you can give your family today. Focus on who you are today. Don’t allow yourself to stray into the self-pity mode. That’s usually where affairs start. At least that was true for my husband. I have asked him to list the things that he thinks makes any man a good husband and father. Then I ask him if he is or is doing those things. If the answer is yes, keep going! You are on the right track.
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You know… people wants others to be honest. But they don’t realize that honesty can hurt. She wants you to be transparent and open. You are working on that. Is there a compromise you can come to so that both of you can communicate safely without feeling threatened? You can tell she loves you very much, that she is willing to give you up for you rather than insist you stay and make amends. I think you also love her very much. Is love enough? I think so. Love can save a marriage. But I think love can also lead to many different possible futures even if the marriage itself dissolves. Love is not defined by marriage, but marriage should be defined by love. In your case at the moment, I think both of you are trying to give each other love – thats great. But neither of you are willing to accept the love given out of hurt, shame or guilt. Give and also receive, you need that in order for the love to grow. You are trying so hard, and you clearly love your family. But in your guilt and shame, I think you are failing to accept the love she’s giving you. If this blog is doing more harm than good for you, then take a break. You don’t need to feel obligated to post- this blog is for you.
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“It is so hard because our counselors think we are doing so well, but we think we are miserable and not going anywhere. Do we still love each other, Yes!”
First, let me say I stopped going to counseling for this very reason. He kept telling me I was doing well, but I didn’t FEEL like I was doing well. I felt stuck. It has taken me many months (I am a year & a half out) to realize the counselor & I were BOTH right. I was doing well. I was making progress…and ANY amount of progress is GREAT! BUT, I was too close to the situation to see that we were making progress…so we were ‘stuck’. I was looking at the big picture & it was overwhelming so I felt like we weren’t making any progress. You and your wife may be making slow progress – which is to be expected. Two steps forward, 1 step back…but it’s still 1 step forward! Don’t get consumed by looking at the big picture. Is this hard? Absolutely. Are some days harder than others? You better believe it. Some days are hell. But, each day it does get better. I NEVER (hear me…NEVER) thought I would say that. I NEVER thought I would feel safe in the arms of the man who cheated on me with 2 different women…but SLOWLY I’m finding that I am feeling safe again.
Second…you love each other. FANTASTIC!! BUILD on that!!!!!!! Shove the doubts and fears aside (AS HARD AS THAT IS) and go for it!!!! There is hope where there is love!
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Thanks. That is what I am trusting. Unfortunately I have a small background in a type of counseling and I know you are supposed to trust the process but it is hard. Especially when they say stuff you already know. It seems like a waste, but I know you sometimes just need to hear it from someone else to actually believe it for yourself.
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