I had a pretty good day today but still had the thought something bad is coming down the pipeline. I got some work done, mowed the lawn, cleaned around the house and played outside with my kids for an hour and a half. Normally this would be a good day, but today, I am not feeling it. I don’t think it was bad but still it is bugging me.
Yesterday I did not have much of a post because I had a lot going on. We had counseling and then I took her to lunch. For some reason lunches for us never go well. She asked me some specific stuff about Ow#2. I have never mentioned #2 because that is a part of the story I planned on coming back to later. She was somewhat insignificant compared to #1. We never slept together and only met up once or twice but we did text all the time. She was very fun to talk to and may have turned into #1 if the timing had been different.
I was talking to her on Tinder at the same time as #1. As I mentioned early on I was talking to a number of different people but these are the only two I actually met. I met her after I met #1 and more out of convenience and curiosity than anything else. She was fun and talkative and different, but I was already into #1 by then so it really did not have much of a chance.
So my wife knew about her and she wanted some specifics because of things she found out (you will understand more when I explain D-Day 2). This led to other conversations about us and if we are good for each other. I had a really hard time with these conversations because she wanted to put some of the blame of the affair on her. I was adamant that it was all me and will always be me that is to blame for the affair. I told her there were other better routes that I should have taken. She understood what I easy saying but I really don’t think she agrees with me. I wish she did.
Then she asked me just to let it all go. To forgive myself and move on so she can to. She sees my misery and it is holding her back in this place she does not want to be. I know you all agree with her but I can’t waive a magic wand and make it better. I don’t know how to move on, forgive, and allow myself a “new” (for lack of a better term) life. She says she sees how hard things are for me and communicating has been so hard because I have closed up over the years. She believes this is because of the hurt and rejection I experienced during ours marriage. I can’t deny that and trusting her with certain things is nearly impossible because what happens if she hurts me again. I know she has the same thoughts and we are kind of stuck but I believe the ball is in my court. Unfortunately the ball is 12,000 pounds and I can’t move it.
So I am going to try to figure somethings out. I am going to try and tell her a little and see how it goes. I am only deciding to do this right now as I am writing this and it is freaking me out. Well, I will cut this post short and do it while I still have the courage.
To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world. – Dr. Seuss