To The World You May Be One Person; But To One Person You May Be The World….I Just Hope It Is The Right Person

image

I had a pretty good day today but still had the thought something bad is coming down the pipeline.  I got some work done, mowed the lawn, cleaned around the house and played outside with my kids for an hour and a half.  Normally this would be a good day, but today, I am not feeling it.  I don’t think it was bad but still it is bugging me.

Yesterday I did not have much of a post because I had a lot going on.  We had counseling and then I took her to lunch.  For some reason lunches for us never go well.  She asked me some specific stuff about Ow#2.  I have never mentioned #2 because that is a part of the story I planned on coming back to later.  She was somewhat insignificant compared to #1.  We never slept together and only met up once or twice but we did text all the time.  She was very fun to talk to and may have turned into #1 if the timing had been different.

I was talking to her on Tinder at the same time as #1.  As I mentioned early on I was talking to a number of different people but these are the only two I actually met.  I met her after I met #1 and more out of convenience and curiosity than anything else.  She was fun and talkative and different, but I was already into #1 by then so it really did not have much of a chance.

So my wife knew about her and she wanted some specifics because of things she found out (you will understand more when I explain D-Day 2).  This led to other conversations about us and if we are good for each other.  I had a really hard time with these conversations because she wanted to put some of the blame of the affair on her.  I was adamant that it was all me and will always be me that is to blame for the affair.  I told her there were other better routes that I  should  have taken.  She understood what I easy saying but I really don’t think she agrees with me.  I wish she did.

Then she asked me just to let it all go.  To forgive myself and move on so she can to.  She sees my misery and it is holding her back in this place she does not want to be.  I know you all agree with her but I can’t waive a magic wand and make it better.  I don’t know how to move on, forgive, and allow myself a “new” (for lack of a better term) life.  She says she sees how hard things are for me and communicating has been so hard because I have closed up over the years.  She believes this is because of the hurt and rejection I experienced during ours marriage.  I can’t deny that and trusting her with certain things is nearly impossible because what happens if she hurts me again.  I know she has the same thoughts and we are kind of stuck but I believe the ball is in my court.  Unfortunately the ball is 12,000 pounds and I can’t move it.

So I am going to try to figure somethings out.  I am going to try and tell her a little and see how it goes.  I am only deciding to do this right now as I am writing this and it is freaking me out.  Well, I will cut this post short and do it while I still have the courage.

To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world. – Dr. Seuss

Advertisements

About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, June 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to To The World You May Be One Person; But To One Person You May Be The World….I Just Hope It Is The Right Person

  1. K says:

    I love that quote ” To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”So true.
    And courage, don’t give up or give into fear.

    Like

  2. ismeisreallyme says:

    good luck. it’s not easy, either path. i err towards only answering when the questions are persistent and i think dh is ready to hear the truth. many times i recognize that he *thinks* he wants to know, and then when i go down the path of answering with specifics it’s far worse. even our counselor, which he chose, has cautioned him to be circumspect before he asks and be sure he wants to hear the answer.

    Like

  3. If she sees your struggle then that is a good thing. She’s reaching out to you to help you carry the burden. I think that’s Ok, and she’s willing to forgive you if you can forgive yourself. Maybe ask her for her forgiveness so that you can make peace with yourself. If you know that one day she will be ok and you can be comfortable together again. Maybe then you can slowly put your mind at ease, as these things take time for both sides to get over.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. emmagc75 says:

    Sometimes the smallest step leads to the hugest leap. I’m proud of you for trying. She is not taking blame for the affair. She is taking responsibility for her part in your marital problems. It was only when I was able to do the same that I was able to put his affair in the past and heal. No she didn’t cause the affair. Neither did I. But by being a better partner, I am stronger and happier. Hopefully she will be too.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s