I know some of you are wondering how my talk went last night. Well you may have to wait a while before I feel like I can write about it. It took a turn I did not expect and it was because I tried not to plan the discussion out ahead of time. It made for a long night. I had been sleeping better the last 3 nights and then last night, BAM 5:00am wide awake again. There goes sleeping again for a while I guess.
Now I am wondering what next. I am not sure. I believe everything is probably in my court as it seems to be more of lately and I don’t know how to proceed. I am thinking people are expecting the impossible. Be vulnerable. Open up more. Speak freely with your emotions and reactions. Trust her with your heart and soul. I don’t know if any of that is possible. If it is possible will I be the same person or am I now going to be someone so different she isn’t going to want me in the end anyways. So to put it mildly, I am struggling.
I have tried these last few days to really be open and talk with her. I have tried to be as attentive as I used to be. I am trying, really trying but it seems to backfire more times than it works. I just don’t know right now.
In our couples counseling she asked us what our end goal will look like in all this. She had my wife go first and we got a little side tracked and never came back to the original question. So I asked her on Thursday what she saw as the end goal and she doesn’t have any clearer picture than I do right now. We both feel like we are fumbling along in the dark. Maybe that is promising because we are the same wave length at least but I don’t know.
We are both stuck in the: we need to work on ourselves piece to make our relationship better, the end goal, and what we really need from our partner. Neither of us really know how to approach these items. Our individual counselors are supposed to help, but I feel like there are a million different things that they are supposed to be helping with so I don’t know how to fit that in. So now what…
I don’t even know how to proceed. Tomorrow is Father’s day and all I want is to be left alone. I want for it to be forgotten just like any other day. It was right about this time last year when the OW and I first started communicating and every Father’s day from here on out I will get that memory. I think I have ruined most all of the holiday’s with this affair. Father’s day, my wife’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year’s, and I am sure I am missing another one in there somewhere. I don’t even know what is left other than days just like any other day. Just like when I grew up. If you ignore the holiday and have zero expectations then you won’t be disappointed in the end. So, if all of the holiday’s can just be like another day then I think I might be okay. However, we all know that is not possible with kids. They need the holidays and they need a family to celebrate with them, so I have to find a way to make it through. Make them feel special while I can just crawl inside myself.
It has been a long time since I have needed to be this far inside of myself. I know I am protecting myself from the pain that was caused throughout the marriage but I also know that most of what I am protecting myself from is the pain I am causing myself. It is harder to protect against because of the internal nature but it is possible.
So today I am going to try and pretend it is another day, just like any other day. I will go about my work as if nothing has ever happened. I know all of you may think this is stupid because this is not what she wants. She wants the exposed me, but she has never seen that side of me so how does she know that is really what she wants. I know she is reading this and we will talk about me closing off again. It happens a lot. I am sure it is because it is my defense mechanism. It is the first thing I go to so I am not hurt. Can I change it? I guess we will see. You are talking about a lifetime worth of protection torn down in a short period of time. I don’t know how realistic it is.
But we are a couple, an odd couple, but one none the less. So I will try and I know she will as well. I just don’t know what will happen in the end. Some of you will say that is all that matters or that it is the journey that is important not the destination, but trying and failing, and failing, and failing and a journey without a goal is wandering without purpose. You need some where some thing to strive for and work to achieve. So the goal is important as so is the direction of the journey. But I have neither a goal or a direction and neither does she.
We love each other but she believes she is toxic for me. She thinks this is doing me more damage than good and that maybe we will never be able to be back together. Maybe she is right, maybe I have ruined things beyond repair. It is so hard because our counselors think we are doing so well, but we think we are miserable and not going anywhere. Do we still love each other, Yes!, As I posted before, Is love enough? Sometimes I wonder and I wonder is love so closely connected to misery that once you have one you can never be without one or the other. Maybe it is better to never have loved than loved and lost it all. Then again maybe I am just full it shit today and tired.
You have to be odd to be #1 – Dr. Seuss