WTF…..
WHY???
Why are the good days followed by bad days? Why do counselors want to talk about shit I don’t want to talk about? How can I seem to piss my wife off the moment before she leaves town with her friends? How can I be this angry? Why am I angry at her? Why do I even care any more? What do I do now? Oh I know what I do, nothing. I am great at that. I just wait and let other people handle it. I sometimes force their hand but they always are the ones to pull the trigger. Then it is never my fault, except it is.
Where to begin? First, lets get this out of the way. I know I am at fault for all this so I don’t need people telling my that it is my fault. I got that. I know. I have plenty of that in my head right now. It just makes me more angry. So all I am about to rant about, it all comes back to me, I get that, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t how I am feeling. I am a selfish asshole so I said it now you don’t need to do it.
So let’s start with counseling. My counselor decided that he would some how shift the conversation to my childhood. I am usually the sly person moving the conversations where I want them without someone noticing, but he did it pretty well without me noticing until it was too late. I didn’t know what I was talking about until I was too far in. I told him up front on day 1 that I really did not want to talk about my childhood. It is in the past and we should leave it there. Why? Because I have wasted enough of my life on them already. I don’t need to waste anymore time on them, plus they aren’t worth the effort. Anyways, somehow he got me talking about it. He wanted me to describe how I grew up so he could understand it. Really? I can’t even understand it. Who could, as F**ked up as it was? Anyways, we talked about it for a while and he asked some slightly too direct questions. Things that felt like I was being punched. I hate that feeling. Whenever I get it, I feel like they win against me for that moment and I hate that. I am not sure if hate is a strong enough word.
After I got out of there, I headed straight to work so I really didn’t have much time to process. I did not feel right, but I also had to work so I did not have time to process everything at that moment. So it got buried a little. Unfortunately not far enough. The next morning I had counseling with my wife. Guess what came up? Yip my childhood. Really? That is not what I want to deal with. Lets focus on something more recent. We were doing okay for a bit. 4 days. We got better each day for 4 days. Then just like normal, I get chopped back down. My childhood didn’t do it so leave it out of my conversations.
Yes, I may be drinking a little. Maybe a lot. I may or may not be mixing it with the large cabinet of drugs that I seem to acquire. I just need something to drown out the anger, the voices, the stupid thoughts, everything.
So what really set me off. Well my wife and her friends planned a little getaway. I was all for her going. Then she had to have surgery and she still wanted to go. This was a physical outing they were going on so I was/am very uneasy about her going. I am pretty confident that their original plan will be changed due to weather so it won’t be as physically demanding, but still I am worried about it. Well, I had the two counseling sessions and our kids had a few things she wanted to attend. She packed and did a few other things even though I said I would take care of those things because I really want her to rest. But in the end I am not even angry about all that. Nope I am angry because I am a selfish Jackass. It might be that this is exactly the same time last year that she left with her friends and I felt ignored, unimportant, and unwanted. The last trip she took, which was about a month ago, she was very nervous and spent a lot of time focusing on me. So this time, me being the selfish jerk, thought the same thing would happen. I know this is the start of the worst of my decisions. Yesterday, other than our talk, I really did not get any attention. Usually we would have sex before she would leave or before I went on trips (the surgery doesn’t affect this). Almost like a quick reminder of what you are coming home to. I even asked her is she was interested, she said she was earlier in the day. While I was at work, just great! Instead she just drifted off to sleep. Fine sleep. So I stayed up, slightly put off, but trying to be understanding. Plus, I know I am being selfish, but it feels so familiar… So the next morning, I get up and take the older two to school. I come home, get the youngest ready and on the bus and then it is time for me to leave. I go in and tell her goodbye and she isn’t really coherent. Fine I give her a small kiss and then leave knowing that this is the last time I will see her until she gets back. She wanted to sleep in so I let her. It was the first day she did not have to get up early for something, so I knew she wanted it. But here I am being selfish again. It just makes me a little angry. She calls me later in the day and says she forgot she really would not see me now until she got back. I wanted to say I know, because I was so far down your priority list that it did not matter. But I don’t because it is selfish. It doesn’t change the fact that I am angry. Really, really angry. Her statement just made it worse. Once I get home she tells me if I hurry then I might be able to see her before she leaves. I don’t want to. I want to go slow. I want to pull over and park. I don’t because that would be selfish. So I pick up my youngest and head home. I see her for 2 minutes and all I do is make things worse. I make them go to shit for both of us. At least before she really did’t care. She was happy to just go and not worry. Now she saw my face, she could tell something was wrong.
Now what was my goal to improve on? Not filter my emotions, but really??? We have no time to hash it out, so why would I make her go through that right before she leaves. Then she would have no fun. Instead, I convince her that I just don’t feel good. I don’t really. I feel like shit, like an asshole, like a selfish bastard, I also feel like I don’t matter again. FML…
I run and get the my other two kids and she is gone by the time I get home. So I want to get on Tinder, I want to email people I emailed before, I want some stupid attention. Why?? Because I am a selfish asshole… Just to be clear I did not do any of those things. Instead I cooked dinner for my kids. I answered the 122 emails that I had put off answering. Then I decided to go buy something to drink. Now the trick is I have to drink it all tonight because we already fought about keeping it in the house. So I will drink it all along with the other stupid drugs that make me numb inside.
So the only selfish thing I didn’t do today was not make her feel guilty before she left. I want her to have a good time. She deserves it, and I am glad she has friends. I am happy she was excited to go, but I hate the fact that I was last on the list. Shopping was before me, kids were before me, sleep was before me, all things that have always been above me.
I am halfway done with my drink. So I am angry because I am a selfish prick. How can I show her this F**king raw emotion? I can’t. Now I have to figure it out before she gets back. Maybe I just need to find solace in the things I do have and stop focusing on the lack of attention. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I have done it for years. I lasted somewhere around 15 years doing it that way. I just have to give up everything inside of me.
So who knows. She says she might want to go out when she gets back. I probably won’t want to, but I will go, otherwise I am being selfish.
So here is what I learned here today. I lose! I will always lose. I made myself this way and put this strain on our marriage, it will always be my fault. So can I fault her for having a little time where she forgets about me? Probably not.
The problem is the timing of it all. The same time last year, we were 100% ignoring each other. So now I feel ignored, again. I felt like I was unimportant to her, again. Is this all a trigger? Hell yes. Can I share these “raw” emotions? Nope, not without ruining her time away. Will I ever not feel like I am last on the list? I can’t answer that. I dropped down there very quickly because something became more important, hell everything became more important. All this is okay for her because she gets time with friends. People that are friends who she can confide in, people she can talk to if she chose to talk. So I am being ignored and I have no one again. No friends or family. And the stupid counselors wanted to talk about my childhood. A place where I was never wanted, I was hated, a place where they never knew if I ever came home. Nor did they care. They probably wished I wouldn’t have.
I can’t be treated like that again. I can’t go through it again. But then when I try and take care of my needs, I am just being a selfish asshole. Maybe that is my destiny. I can get it tattooed on me. It will just have the words “Selfish bastard” and arrows point to all of my body. Maybe I could start a fan club.
So how do I do this? I just let it go. I just bury this stupid raw emotion that won’t accomplish anything practical. But in the end I think this is just a glimpse of what is still yet to come. It maybe impossible to change patterns en-grained from many, many years ago or the level of unimportance that I really have in everyone’s life.
So now what? I know, drink more, take a few more pills. Set 3 alarms so I make sure I wake up, however, in a way I hope I don’t. I am not that lucky, instead I will get up go to work and work on the stuff I need to get done. I will just push this on the pile of other selfish thoughts and actions to be forgotten. I know it is all my fault. This wouldn’t have been an issue if I would not have had the affair, if I could talk about what I might need or want without sounding or being selfish. Nope, genuine selfish asshole, through and through.
Today I do want things to work out, but my optimism level is close to a 1. I am just wondering what is holding her here because it can’t be me. Here comes a the summer and with it all the triggers I am going to have. All the reminders of the constant mistakes I made. The reminders of what I left, of what I can never get back, of the people I hurt, of the lives I have permanently changed and all the blaring signs that point at me saying “Lying, cheating bastard”
She has all this shit to deal with and all I can think about is my selfish wants and needs. How this is affecting me? Who cares? I did this to myself and I probably deserve every minute of it.
Bring on the weekend! I can’t wait…
And that is a story that no one can beat – Dr. Suess
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
U do realize a lot of this shit stems from your horrific childhood? Counselor isn’t trying to piss u off, just help u heal. Maybe u could try? The insecurity you feel about your wife loving you and your really shitty parents not making u feel loved??? Am I ringing any bells here? U have made peace with the past but u haven’t healed the trauma that no child should ever go through. I know it sounds like bs but it is connected.
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I have never heard of the cheater having as many traumatic triggers or panic attacks. Having been both the betrayed n later the cheater, it’s unusual. Usually cheater is triggered by memories of AP, missing them, etc. I think what I said above plays a role. But hey I’ve only read about 25 books n 6 studies so what do I know? Lol
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Great, tell me that and now you will have to be my unofficial expert.
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Of course lol. And even though it feels like you are low on her list, she loves you a lot or she wouldn’t be going to counseling. We really treat one another so differently now. Our needs are completely different so we make a conscious effort to acknowledge that every day now. But we don’t have kids, so you have to factor that in.
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Eventually at a certain point, you have to become equals again both working equally to fix ur marriage. The affair while totally wrong happened because of problems in marriage. Same with mine. That in no way excuses his affair or later mine. But it is a fact and something you seem to have struggled with for years. I think healing ur childhood trauma will help u n maybe bridge the gap a little. It’s crazy how if u become less focused on not feeling important to her, she might just start making u feel more important. That is what happened to us.
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I think I was just expecting too much and then by the time it was really bugging me I did not want to say anything and ruin her fun time. I am recovered today so I will just move forward and just try and keep up my end for right now. I think that is all I can do.
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Yes bad timing all around. But when she’s home you should read her the part of your post where you feel ignored and not a priority. If that doesn’t change or get resolved, u will continue to build resentment like u did before affair ya know? It will keep making u very unhappy.
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I know.. It will suck because she will feel hurt. She will feel that she was just overwhelmed and lost track of everything. I know the conversation already. I have had it in my head already. Which I was told I need to stop doing by my counselor. They told me I need to stop orchestrating all my conversations. I even do it at therapy.
Ughhh.. I will just look at it as a short term loss but a step forward in winning the war.
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It’s not a loss if something good comes out of it silly. She will feel that and u will tell her she’s right. But u still feel that and she has the right to know how you feel, good and bad. Maybe you can tell her you realize talking alone with therapist about your childhood might be productive? And yes extremely painful I know. But if it helps you see how that has shaped you and the effect it has on your life now, couldn’t it be worth the short-term pain?
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That is the weird part. I know exactly how it affected me and that it made me who I am. So why go through it all again.
It made me secretive and I crave acceptance at times but I can also be fine alone, sometimes I prefer it.
What else is there to get? Yea, my dad and siblings took turns making my life a living hell. What did I get out of that? I knew exactly how I would treat my kids and how I would teach them to treat other people and so far I have been mostly successful in that.
Maybe I am missing something.
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You are lol. Because while intellectually you understand all that, that little kid still doesnt believe he is loved and he is worthy. Talking it through helps us realize that the abuse has to do with them not us. It’s easy to know in your head, but you need to heal that kid’s heart and soul. Your past still controls you whether you realize it or not. U were secretive to survive, now there can b no secrets.
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Well, just wait for today’s post. I am writing it now.
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Ok then get out of your own head and watch a stupid funny movie with the kids lol. Laughter helps us so much more than we can ever imagine. My amazing parents taught me that 🙂 Just like you are a great dad cause yours sucked ass? My Mom and Dad gave us unconditionally. I am so lucky n while my Mom is gone, I plan on telling my Dad when I see him at my bros bbq. So thanks for reminding me! 🙂
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And I hope it’s okay if I am honest and blunt as it’s the only way I know how to be. Yes you were expecting too much in this instance, but feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. It seems like you could possibly need to get less validation from her and more from yourself. We can only truly be happy with our spouse if we are happy all by ourself first. Just a thought.
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Honest and bluntness is usually the only way things get through so it never bothers me. As for the self-validation, I definitely agree. I know I am still extremely insecure in our relationship. I am still worried that she will just give up one day, so I read a million things into something that is probably nothing. Then I rant on here and look back and see how stupid it was.
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Nooo, not stupid. Never stupid cause it helps release the feelings and work through them! Dude if she was looking to give up, she would’ve when u fell for another woman don’t you think? But as much as you don’t want to hear it, why are you insecure in the relationship? You obviously always have been to a degree. If the 2 people in this world who are supposed to love n accept us unconditionally are too screwed up to do that? How can we think anyone else ever will? It seems crazy but that trauma isnt healed n affects you still today.
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Damn…I can see your point.
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You are still angry and defensive about your past. It shouldn’t be a secret, none of it. I give you props for being really strong minded n not wallowing in the abuse. But until you release that anger n are able to in some way forgive the abuse, u will stay stuck. Im not a therapist so that I can’t help you with. Sorry 😦
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Forgive the abuse??? That’s not happening.
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There’s a difference between forgiving n forgetting. It’s a difficult concept granted, which is why it takes a therapist who specializes in abuse.
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Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with them. Screw them and they should burn in hell! No it has to do with you. When you are ready, you will be giving yourself the greatest gift imaginable. Not to sound all Deepak Chopra but it will change your life if you are able. N lessen all the heaviness in your heart. I promise. And help your marriage!!!
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You know I’m in your corner, so I hope you’ll take this in the spirit in which it’s meant.
I think I mentioned I had a pretty crappy childhood myself. I’m not going to get into it here, but it was bad. For a long time I was like you. I just wanted to forget it and move on with my life. The thing is, the more you bury it, the more it haunts you. You have two counselors trying to get you to talk about this stuff FOR A REASON.
You strike me as a smart guy who wants to do the right thing. So do the right thing and face the truth: You have abandonment issues related to your childhood that lead to fits of anger and (dare I say it?) temper tantrums. You choose to keep your feelings to yourself at times (when it seems proper to do so) but resent it and blame others.
Your wife was looking forward to her trip and got caught up in her preparations. It happens. Is there something else going on that leads you to *reasonably* conclude that a pattern is being reestablished? If so, I must have missed it.
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Your blog is the reason I started writing mine! Thanks for following me. I knew, perhaps out there in the world there are the mirror worlds of our lives. Circumstances are different but let me tell you this. My husband, never talks about his childhood. Well he does, but very ‘filtered’ . I got the gist of it when his father (!) said to me, after the birth of our second son, ‘arn’t you going to keep going like we did until you get a girl?’ My husband is their 3rd son, before their beloved daughter was born, 18 months later. His first older (49 today) brother is 11 months older than him, and was a nightmare child (I think he is aspergers – he still lives at home and sleeps in a bunk bed surrounded by unwrapped toys) and his second older brother hated them all, as he had his parents all to himself for 3 years before the 3 other siblings came along. So my husband, was not only the disappointment when he was born (oh look another boy.. Better keep trying) but was the forgotten son. He won’t see councillors, as he always stops seeing them when they start to talk about his childhood. He may not have had an abusive childhood, or a deprived childhood, but he was not as wanted as his siblings. Since that day, he has been trying to get his father to notice him, and of course his self- esteem is wrapped up in his father’s approval. This is the focus of his life, which is why he is taking him away next week, and came up with that idea all on his own, but in 13.5 years, has never suggested we go away.. I normally have to initiate that!! Anyway what I am trying to say is get angry, having feelings and expressing them is better and keep talking to the councillor. Deal with the past, as an adult. Process it as an adult. And then put it away. I did the same with my childhood. It was very hard but it’s part of the healing of our souls. We are all damaged to some extent but you will get better because you accept there is a problem. I just hope my husband gets to acceptance one day! Will read your other posts when I get a mo.
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Thanks for commenting. I am glad that I can inspire someone. I hope it helps you in your journey. I know it helps me tremendously. I never thought it would but it does.
As for my childhood, I would have thought it was long gone by now. I knew when I was 8 that I was not in a good environment. I did everything I could to stay away and better myself to get out forever. I used to sit and read the encyclopedias when I was grounded to my room. I recognize that it was a bad childhood, my family was abusive mentally and physically, but I also recognize that I am who I am because of that.
People have asked me if I would go back and change it and I have always said no. As bad as it was, it got me where I am today.
I am a far different person than the other 8 of them and I am okay with that.
I get all this, that is why I don’t know why we need to rehash it all. It just makes me angry and upset, but it usually builds up and manifests itself a little later. I just think there could be time better spent on something else.
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Okay, breathe. You are like me in that you spiral into self blame and beating yourself up when things go bad. There will always be bad times. But you do learn to cope, to deal better. You really do.
When we went to the best couples counsellor we saw (who we were referred to by my shrink, as “the best couples’ counsellor in the country) he made us both uncomfortable a lot. We didn’t LIKE him. But he was good. And he got it. And he got Roger to see who he is, and WHY he is who he is. His name was Nic, and he told us the very first time we saw him that he was never keen on doing the old “what are your childhood issues” line when he started out, but inevitably, he found we all need to get a grip on that crap. It is what MADE us. Like it or not. Even when it was shit, and we actively chose not to be anything like our parents/siblings/people we hung around with, we are MADE by our experience. He put it this way. Whatever you had was “normal”and you often identified later that it wasn’t “normal” at all, but it was YOUR normal. And we have to identify that experience, and deal with it. Roger realised his childhood was quite lonely, his mother was depressed, but no one ever told him that, he just knew she spent a lot of time in bed, so he went off, as the youngest and only boy, and played alone. Hunting with his dog, building stuff, fishing, anything to stay away from the house as long as he could. There was no one for him to talk to, no one to listen to him, and he learned to be alone. Be aloof. Be self-sufficient. Be secretive. Rely only on himself, etc. It opened his eyes to how his family – and him by default – shoved everything tough under the carpet, until you could barely walk into the room, the hill was that high! I am not like that. My family were open. We talked. And I lived that with him for 22 years, he talked back, we made fabulous love, I felt VERY, INTENSELY connected to him, so I assumed he was the same as me. But he wasn’t. I had no filter, and he had the thickest one he could find! The childhood stuff is shitty. But it isn’t your fault, so why the anger and shame? Your family were assholes, you can admit that here, so why is it hard to talk about it with a trained counsellor? Try to approach it from a new angle, they really do want to help. And it does need to be discussed, that is kind of therapy 101, unfortunately :-(. And maybe think about what I did and lay the booze aside for a bit. I was getting pretty reliant on it, and putting it aside for six months. Did me the world of good, but it was HARD. I love that shit! It was easy to reach for it when I was wound tight.
Best of luck xxx
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Wow! We are very similar. My wife also came from a very open household. They were free to talk and act and feel, where as I was more like your husband, I self-isolated myself and I like to be alone, self-sufficient, and yes secretive. I never like to ask for help. It better be real bad for me to ask for help. I have even taught myself to work on all my vehicles (yea for YouTube). If I can’t find the answer I will try and figure it out.
Uggghhh… It is so different. As for the alcohol, this was my relapse. I don’t think I have drank since last time you recommended it. I got it all out of the house, but yesterday was too much.
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This blog is fantastic. You spill out your emotions without any filters , without any bs attached. I’m not gonna give you paragraphs but maybe when you are ready you could show this to your counselor? It speaks volumes about things you probably won’t say out loud.
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I have thought about showing it to my counselors but I am really wary of that. I don’t know why, but I am. I allow my wife to read it even though it is probably hard for her when she does. But you are right, I can express things here that I can never seem to say.
And thanks for the compliment, it helps me keep going.
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I have read a few of your posts now and the one thing that pops out to me every time is the fact that you love your wife, want your marriage to work and deeply regret your mistake. The affair definitely was wrong and a selfish act. A mistake, event within your relationship that will change the course forever. There is nothing you can do about that now. What you can do is learn to forgive yourself for it. I don’t think you are there yet. I think when you achieve that, other things will fall into place. You are very much entitled to your emotions. You are not selfish for feeling them and it’s an injustice to you and your relationship to keep them bottled inside. I do believe as others have said, your reaction to your emotions and situations in your life stem from a childhood you choose to bury. Whether you think so or not. But, in closing I do want to tell you that you can’t feel guilty for what you feel. You can’t feel guilty that those feelings might upset your wife. That guilt comes from the affair and you thinking you are not entitled to feel angry or mad at your wife. That’s why you have to forgive yourself. Like someone said earlier, become equals again.
I’ve been on both sides, the most recent being the one who cheated. The guilt I felt in hurting was bigger than anything. I thought I was not entitled to let him know when I felt mad, angry or disappointed in him because no matter what he did to make me feel that way, he had not betrayed my trust. But, I’ve learned my marriage will never survive if I don’t forgive myself, he already has. Yes, it’s changed him, me and the relationship. But, it’s helped us grow, and hopefully make us stronger as I hope it does for you. 🙂
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“learn to forgive yourself for it” – I have no idea how to go about this. I am a stubborn person and when someone makes a conscious decision I believe they should live with the consequences. I guess in order to forgive I need to …… ( yip draw a blank everytime).
“I thought I was not entitled to let him know when I felt mad, angry or disappointed in him because no matter what he did to make me feel that way, he had not betrayed my trust.” – I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I cannot have negative feelings toward her because I am the one who created the whole situation to begin with. I was never good about expressing or communicating my feelings and now I am supposed to share something I know will hurt her and it all stems from what I did to her. It will take a lot for me to get there, possibly a brain transplant.
Thanks for your comments.
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You arent the one who created the situation. Shewas withdrawn and depressed, you were rejected and you behaved as many people do, by meeting your own needs. But now those needs are in the open and BOTH your contributions must be acknowledged. And while there may be consequences, you are not obligated to inflict additional punishment by berating yourself. What would you say to her if she did it? To your best friend if he were in your shoes? Would you be gentler to them than you are to yourself? Yeah. Baring your emotional neck sucks. And you might get cut. But the alternative is more of the same. Rip off the band aid, i think.
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I think the band-aid was put on with super glue and duct tape.
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When I read this, it’s like theres 3 sides of you: 1) the logical side who sees that in this situation, there really isn’t much to be mad about, and that you’re wife hasn’t done anything wrong. 2) the selfish side who you’ve identified. I wouldn’t say the selfish side is “bad”, but that you have wants and they’re not being fulfilled here in the way you would like. 3) the caring side who knows you’re being selfish/unreasonable and doing everything he can to protect his wife, kids, and yourself.
All in all, I think you’ve managed to handle the situation quite well! I think when you have a chance to reflect, that you should be proud of yourself – that despite the overwhelming anger, you’ve managed to recognize where it was coming from, not blame your wife, and made choices to protect her, your kids and yourself! You’re a good person, and don’t forget, as much as you chose your wife, she also chose you. Realize that – she is choosing to be with you despite all the “faults” that you feel you have – you are what she wants and who she wants to spend her life with. She wants to go through this reconciliation with you, so just take hope in that and have faith!
Bad days will come, but it’s how we handle it that will define who we are, and help us grow as people. You know this journey will be hard and much will have to be broken before it will mend, but in the end, I know you and your wife will have a stronger relationship, and both you and her will be better people.
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I have never though of it like that but I do have at least 3 sides (I don’t think the others have came out yet). I can see all of them and the small amounts of overlap they have with each other.
Thanks!
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There’s many sides to all of us, and sometimes a side we don’t like comes out. But at the CORE, we define who we are. That’s the guy who can “see all the sides”. I don’t think you’re a selfish lying bastard. A true selfish lying bastard would say “fuck this, I’m going to do what I want. Screw everyone else”. But you’re not that person! You have a selfish side (like everyone else),and you’ve made some poor choices, but you won’t let that dominate you or define who you are. You are much better than that. I bet thats what your wife sees in you too.
Here’s a good post from another blogger when you’re talking about moving forward vs backwards :
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I haven’t read through the comments of other’s just yet, so I may be echoing someone else’s thoughts….
Have you stopped to consider that maybe she is the selfish one this time?
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I have not gone down that path because she very well may deserve a little selfishness. That is hard for me to judge being in my position.
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So, you want alcohol, you want drugs, and you want attention, preferably in the form of sex.
Why?
In my case, those were just proxies for my real succubus, self-pity.
Do you want to be happier, or do you want self-pity?
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Interesting take on this. Actually what I wanted was a little bit of intimacy from my wife before she left. Just because we were both feeling insecure. It does not have to be in the form of sex. That helps us both as she told me, but I would be fine of 15 minutes of quiet time for the two of us.
Now the drugs and alcohol they are crutches to drown out my feelings. Do I want them? Not really. Not like that. I have not had to take a few of my meds for a few weeks because things were going better. Then this bump in our road happen. So I decided bing numb beats feeling like shit.
In the end after we talked today it was a breakdown in communication. She wanted the same thing from me, but I did not express it to her, so I have taken responsibility for that and we have talked about strategies to not let it happen again.
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Hope I am not too late to give my opinion. The emotional building blocks for the rest of your life are done in the first four years. You cannot hide from your childhood. It is that huge sack of pain you carry around on your back. Add that to your wife’s depression and your burdon was overwhelming. It is no excuss for the affair but it explains why you were vulnerable. There is a new type of therapy that uses left brain right brain stimuli and somehow brings up hidden issues that can then be pulled into your consciousness for discussion. It takes the sting out of most of it. They are finding it useful with PTSD. Good luck. Oh, btw, asking your wife for a hug does not unman you. Skin to skin is the best connection we have
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Thanks! Do you know what that therapy is called?
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EMDR. If you use those letters in caps it explains it. Sorry it took so long but was on the phone with long lost friend.
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I have but one word for you: FORGIVENESS. You need to forgive yourself. You are human. We all screw up. I also had a crappy childhood and in response I drank, I lied, I cheated, I screwed up more ways than I can count until one day I FORGAVE. I forgave the person who abused me for 10 years of my life. I forgave my father for leaving. I forgave all of it, and that truly set me free to then forgive myself. We are only human. Forgive and move forward!
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If only I knew how to press that magic button I gladly would. Then I could forgive myself for all this.
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Can you email me? I don’t really want to “talk” to you in a comment string but I do want to talk to you. drezsonya@gmail.com
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Just sent it.
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Look, it sounds like you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her it was a trigger because of the reminder to the year before. That isn’t selfish. Have the counselor help you write a note that will leave out the anger and tell it straight up– “I need your attention. This is reminding me of how things were between us last year and it’s scaring me. I feel ignored and desperate for attention. Please set aside time for me when you return.”
I don’t know. But needing attention is basic human and NOT SELFISH.
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Hi I just really wanted to put my 2 cents worth. I know this happened 5 years ago but I had to say this.
You had every right to be pissed not because of her not giving you 2 minutes of her time before she left.
You had a right because she should have stayed home with you and worked on your marriage. What was she thinking. I’m sorry to say that your wife was being selfish this time not you.
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