Why are the good days followed by bad days? Why do counselors want to talk about shit I don’t want to talk about? How can I seem to piss my wife off the moment before she leaves town with her friends? How can I be this angry? Why am I angry at her? Why do I even care any more? What do I do now? Oh I know what I do, nothing. I am great at that. I just wait and let other people handle it. I sometimes force their hand but they always are the ones to pull the trigger. Then it is never my fault, except it is.
Where to begin? First, lets get this out of the way. I know I am at fault for all this so I don’t need people telling my that it is my fault. I got that. I know. I have plenty of that in my head right now. It just makes me more angry. So all I am about to rant about, it all comes back to me, I get that, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t how I am feeling. I am a selfish asshole so I said it now you don’t need to do it.
So let’s start with counseling. My counselor decided that he would some how shift the conversation to my childhood. I am usually the sly person moving the conversations where I want them without someone noticing, but he did it pretty well without me noticing until it was too late. I didn’t know what I was talking about until I was too far in. I told him up front on day 1 that I really did not want to talk about my childhood. It is in the past and we should leave it there. Why? Because I have wasted enough of my life on them already. I don’t need to waste anymore time on them, plus they aren’t worth the effort. Anyways, somehow he got me talking about it. He wanted me to describe how I grew up so he could understand it. Really? I can’t even understand it. Who could, as F**ked up as it was? Anyways, we talked about it for a while and he asked some slightly too direct questions. Things that felt like I was being punched. I hate that feeling. Whenever I get it, I feel like they win against me for that moment and I hate that. I am not sure if hate is a strong enough word.
After I got out of there, I headed straight to work so I really didn’t have much time to process. I did not feel right, but I also had to work so I did not have time to process everything at that moment. So it got buried a little. Unfortunately not far enough. The next morning I had counseling with my wife. Guess what came up? Yip my childhood. Really? That is not what I want to deal with. Lets focus on something more recent. We were doing okay for a bit. 4 days. We got better each day for 4 days. Then just like normal, I get chopped back down. My childhood didn’t do it so leave it out of my conversations.
Yes, I may be drinking a little. Maybe a lot. I may or may not be mixing it with the large cabinet of drugs that I seem to acquire. I just need something to drown out the anger, the voices, the stupid thoughts, everything.
So what really set me off. Well my wife and her friends planned a little getaway. I was all for her going. Then she had to have surgery and she still wanted to go. This was a physical outing they were going on so I was/am very uneasy about her going. I am pretty confident that their original plan will be changed due to weather so it won’t be as physically demanding, but still I am worried about it. Well, I had the two counseling sessions and our kids had a few things she wanted to attend. She packed and did a few other things even though I said I would take care of those things because I really want her to rest. But in the end I am not even angry about all that. Nope I am angry because I am a selfish Jackass. It might be that this is exactly the same time last year that she left with her friends and I felt ignored, unimportant, and unwanted. The last trip she took, which was about a month ago, she was very nervous and spent a lot of time focusing on me. So this time, me being the selfish jerk, thought the same thing would happen. I know this is the start of the worst of my decisions. Yesterday, other than our talk, I really did not get any attention. Usually we would have sex before she would leave or before I went on trips (the surgery doesn’t affect this). Almost like a quick reminder of what you are coming home to. I even asked her is she was interested, she said she was earlier in the day. While I was at work, just great! Instead she just drifted off to sleep. Fine sleep. So I stayed up, slightly put off, but trying to be understanding. Plus, I know I am being selfish, but it feels so familiar… So the next morning, I get up and take the older two to school. I come home, get the youngest ready and on the bus and then it is time for me to leave. I go in and tell her goodbye and she isn’t really coherent. Fine I give her a small kiss and then leave knowing that this is the last time I will see her until she gets back. She wanted to sleep in so I let her. It was the first day she did not have to get up early for something, so I knew she wanted it. But here I am being selfish again. It just makes me a little angry. She calls me later in the day and says she forgot she really would not see me now until she got back. I wanted to say I know, because I was so far down your priority list that it did not matter. But I don’t because it is selfish. It doesn’t change the fact that I am angry. Really, really angry. Her statement just made it worse. Once I get home she tells me if I hurry then I might be able to see her before she leaves. I don’t want to. I want to go slow. I want to pull over and park. I don’t because that would be selfish. So I pick up my youngest and head home. I see her for 2 minutes and all I do is make things worse. I make them go to shit for both of us. At least before she really did’t care. She was happy to just go and not worry. Now she saw my face, she could tell something was wrong.
Now what was my goal to improve on? Not filter my emotions, but really??? We have no time to hash it out, so why would I make her go through that right before she leaves. Then she would have no fun. Instead, I convince her that I just don’t feel good. I don’t really. I feel like shit, like an asshole, like a selfish bastard, I also feel like I don’t matter again. FML…
I run and get the my other two kids and she is gone by the time I get home. So I want to get on Tinder, I want to email people I emailed before, I want some stupid attention. Why?? Because I am a selfish asshole… Just to be clear I did not do any of those things. Instead I cooked dinner for my kids. I answered the 122 emails that I had put off answering. Then I decided to go buy something to drink. Now the trick is I have to drink it all tonight because we already fought about keeping it in the house. So I will drink it all along with the other stupid drugs that make me numb inside.
So the only selfish thing I didn’t do today was not make her feel guilty before she left. I want her to have a good time. She deserves it, and I am glad she has friends. I am happy she was excited to go, but I hate the fact that I was last on the list. Shopping was before me, kids were before me, sleep was before me, all things that have always been above me.
I am halfway done with my drink. So I am angry because I am a selfish prick. How can I show her this F**king raw emotion? I can’t. Now I have to figure it out before she gets back. Maybe I just need to find solace in the things I do have and stop focusing on the lack of attention. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I have done it for years. I lasted somewhere around 15 years doing it that way. I just have to give up everything inside of me.
So who knows. She says she might want to go out when she gets back. I probably won’t want to, but I will go, otherwise I am being selfish.
So here is what I learned here today. I lose! I will always lose. I made myself this way and put this strain on our marriage, it will always be my fault. So can I fault her for having a little time where she forgets about me? Probably not.
The problem is the timing of it all. The same time last year, we were 100% ignoring each other. So now I feel ignored, again. I felt like I was unimportant to her, again. Is this all a trigger? Hell yes. Can I share these “raw” emotions? Nope, not without ruining her time away. Will I ever not feel like I am last on the list? I can’t answer that. I dropped down there very quickly because something became more important, hell everything became more important. All this is okay for her because she gets time with friends. People that are friends who she can confide in, people she can talk to if she chose to talk. So I am being ignored and I have no one again. No friends or family. And the stupid counselors wanted to talk about my childhood. A place where I was never wanted, I was hated, a place where they never knew if I ever came home. Nor did they care. They probably wished I wouldn’t have.
I can’t be treated like that again. I can’t go through it again. But then when I try and take care of my needs, I am just being a selfish asshole. Maybe that is my destiny. I can get it tattooed on me. It will just have the words “Selfish bastard” and arrows point to all of my body. Maybe I could start a fan club.
So how do I do this? I just let it go. I just bury this stupid raw emotion that won’t accomplish anything practical. But in the end I think this is just a glimpse of what is still yet to come. It maybe impossible to change patterns en-grained from many, many years ago or the level of unimportance that I really have in everyone’s life.
So now what? I know, drink more, take a few more pills. Set 3 alarms so I make sure I wake up, however, in a way I hope I don’t. I am not that lucky, instead I will get up go to work and work on the stuff I need to get done. I will just push this on the pile of other selfish thoughts and actions to be forgotten. I know it is all my fault. This wouldn’t have been an issue if I would not have had the affair, if I could talk about what I might need or want without sounding or being selfish. Nope, genuine selfish asshole, through and through.
Today I do want things to work out, but my optimism level is close to a 1. I am just wondering what is holding her here because it can’t be me. Here comes a the summer and with it all the triggers I am going to have. All the reminders of the constant mistakes I made. The reminders of what I left, of what I can never get back, of the people I hurt, of the lives I have permanently changed and all the blaring signs that point at me saying “Lying, cheating bastard”
She has all this shit to deal with and all I can think about is my selfish wants and needs. How this is affecting me? Who cares? I did this to myself and I probably deserve every minute of it.
Bring on the weekend! I can’t wait…
And that is a story that no one can beat – Dr. Suess