My Trouble Was I Had A Mind But I Couldn’t Make It Up!…Or Understand What It Really Wanted

Is love enough???

That was a question my wife posed to me the other night.  She told me that love might not be enough and there might be too many differences for me to want to stay.  It was an interesting question.  I don’t really know the answer.  With the different amounts of love out there, I don’t know if there is a perfect mix.

The real reason she brought this up is because she told me that I was okay to walk away at any point.  If I did not think that she was what I really wanted then I could walk away.  I told her the same thing.  I said that she has more reasons than I do to walk away and if it gets too hard I will understand if she can not do it any more.

So we both told each other that the other person had a free pass out of the marriage.  I did not put a lot of thought into it until last night when I brought it up in one of our conversations.  She told me that she did not like it when I said that to her.  She thought I was giving her a hint that she should leave and my focus is not on fixing our marriage it is on the exit.  I was surprised by this and I told her I was.  She asked me then what do I think when she tells me that I can leave at anytime or when I say it to her.

I said that we have always had a free pass out.  From day 1, nothing was keeping us married other than our choice to be married.  So when she tells me I have a free pass, I hope it reaffirms to her that I know that I have an out, but I am choosing to stay and work on us.  I told that I think the same thing when I say it to her.  That she has a way out but she is choosing me over the exit.

She liked this view and saw how it could be comforting.  As for her real question which is hidden in her conversation, do I need more from her than just love.  Are their changes that I am expecting that she just cannot do, so even though I love her it might be best if I found someone more closely aligned to what I want.  I told her the same thing.  I reminded her that we are both working on ourselves, as well as each other, and neither of us know how we are going to turn out in the end, not as individuals and not as a couple.

There is no reason for us to worry about things like that until, at least for me, we get our heads screwed on straight.  There are tons of things I love about my wife and could not live without.  I think she is thinking on the few things that she isn’t but the pro’s out weigh the con’s in this situation.  The real problem is I am not making her feel like that.  I am not making her feel like the things I love about her are so much more important than the little things that bother me.  Everyone has things they don’t like about their spouse, you just want more good than bad in the end.  I think when the bad is focused on and highlighted it seems like bigger than what it really is in the relationship.

Just a quick post today, but I really do want to know:  Is Love Enough??? 

My trouble was I had a mind but I couldn’t make it up – Dr. Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, May 2015 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to My Trouble Was I Had A Mind But I Couldn’t Make It Up!…Or Understand What It Really Wanted

  1. KcRambles says:

    For me personally, love is enough as long as it is shared equally. As long as there is commitment and understanding. As long as there is respect and honesty. Sex is just carnal. But real true bonding feelings, friendship, smiles and peacefulness is enough to stay in a relationship that may not be 100% exciting.

    What is it that you are looking for in your wife? For her to change her sexual urges and become more open minded and adventurous?

    Real love, true love is selfless, it’s accepting your life partner with their advantages and disadvantages. It’s a partnership that goes deeper, surpasses ones wants and at time physical needs.

    What about those people who for reasons can’t be physically intimate. They still love just like the next person and they make a relationship work.
    In life we must compromise. I’m not telling you to be doormat, I’m not telling to give give and not receive in return. Everything should be ideally 50/50. However try finding joy in what is in front of you, don’t look for what is lacking but what is rich and at your reach.

    Liked by 5 people

    • KcRambles says:

      Another thing, when there is love there is always hope. There is always room for growth and change.

      Liked by 4 people

    • bac4sccr says:

      I am not looking for massive changes in my wife. One is just pay a little more attention to me (and I to her as well). We are doing really well with our 15 sec. so that is improving. For our sex life, I am not looking for more adventurous or variety, just a little initiation on her part which we have both been doing well on also.

      So I am not trying to over haul her into a new person. Just someone more attentive, just as I need to be to her.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. zombiedrew2 says:

    That’s a loaded question, but I would say no – love is not enough. There is a lot more to a marriage than just love. You are running a household, potentially raising children, supporting each other when needed. Love helps you do all those things – but love alone won’t get you through.

    You need commitment, and commitment is more than just love. Commitment involves a willingness to work together and stay together even when times are tough.

    You also need empathy. You really need to be able to put the other person at or near the same level as yourself. If there’s no empathy, then the relationship is just about what you are getting out of it and how well it is meeting your needs.

    Something to think about is that is as people we have all sorts of needs and sides to ourselves. Expecting a single person to ever meet all of those needs is unfair, and sets the other person up for failure. Your wife will always have needs you can’t meet, and you will with her. Depending on what those needs are, that’s not only fine but also normal.

    Friends, family and personal interests normally help fill those other gaps. It’s great if your wife shows some interest, but she doesn’t have to share the same likes and dislikes that you do.

    My personal belief is, there are many people out there in the world who may be “better” fits, but a perfect fit does not exist. What matters is that you CHOOSE her to be the perfect fit for you.

    I strongly believe that so much of long term love is a choice. We build love in with the decisions we make and the ways we treat each other.

    Right now you are choosing each other, and that’s the important part.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Used to think so. Now think that personal values are stronger at the end of the day. Love is transferable to other people. Keeping your core family unit together is a value that (annoyingly sometimes) comes out ahead, even ahead of the (likely?) scenario of more or better or fresher or kinder or purer love is out there. Mind you, maybe I just accept (for today) my love as true and flawed and worth the bumpy journey. Tough question huh??

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      So will love be enough if values match up? Or what if love puts you with someone who has mismatching values, as in my case? Does that mean love isn’t enough to keep us together? I see exactly what you mean but I really like to examine every angle.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Our shared value is a universal one I think – that pushing one single relationship up a hill for a billion years is a worthwhile effort. A long marriage is a miracle that we have the ability to create. But personal fulfillment probably dips quite a bit with the challenges of boredom, frustration, and let’s be honest – living with another annoying human. Is a love that can stand the test of time is the only love that is true…?

        Shakespeare thought so:

        Let me not to the marriage of true minds
        Admit impediments. Love is not love
        Which alters when it alteration finds,
        Or bends with the remover to remove:
        O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
        That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
        It is the star to every wandering bark,
        Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
        Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
        Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
        Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
        But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
        If this be error and upon me proved,
        I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
        (Sonnet 116)

        Like

  4. 333smp says:

    Short answer… No. Love is not enough. A wise woman once told me- “You can fall in love with a lot of different people. You can live the rest of your life with very few.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. castleblocs says:

    An interesting question. Having read so many blogs where the betrayed and/or the betrayers say they love their spouse, but are ending the marriage, leads me to believe love is not enough. By my definition, though, if you don’t have love on an equal level, then all the other things you need in a marriage (like compromise, sacrifice, compassion, understanding, patience, forgiveness, etc) just won’t come to fruition. So, I think love is absolutely necessary, and from love everything else the marriage needs can and will grow, assuming both parties are equally committed to the relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Anonymous says:

    I will take a different spin and say, YES, love is enough. But I think it really comes down to how you define love. If you’re talking about the feeling of love – feeling that deep connection, feeling loved, feeling happy… then no, I don’t think emotions are enough.
    But I really love what Zombiedrew2 said above there: “What matters is that you CHOOSE her to be the perfect fit for you.I strongly believe that so much of long term love is a choice. We build love in with the decisions we make and the ways we treat each other.” Zombiedrew2 separated love and commitment as 2 separate entities – but I would combine them. loving someone is a choice – to make an intentional decision to love them and commit to them. And as part of that process – then you would see compromise, change, empathy… make the choices to ensure that love is protected and the marriage a success – these choices can be in the form of actions or as Zombiedrew said, changing your expectations to accept your partner’s flaws. And as you make the decision, you build love into those decision, and in turn, love grows from those decisions. This is a deeper part of love – one of commitment and grit, vs the love in an affair where you just feel that deep connection, and the desire to start a life with them. Giving into feelings is easy, but staying committed – that’s the test of true love. And by choosing our partners, we then make the choice on who we truly love.I strongly believe that we choose our soul mates, and not have them chosen for us. After all, you can fall in love with many people, but we choose to live our lives with one.
    I do agree with the 1st comment that love in a marriage needs to be mutual for it to be successful in the long term. But consider this scenario – if a spouse falls ill and becomes unable to function as before, this does not mean the end of marriage. In fact, the marriage vows say “in sickness and in health”. If you were sick, I think you would want your wife to love you enough to care for you. We all have needs and expectations, and no one person will be able to meet 100% of those needs. But what we can do, is change our expectations and our needs so that what your wife can achieve is enough and you are satisfied.I think loving someone to some extent, is to live selflessly for them, instead of focusing on yourself.
    I also think that the question you’re asking “is love enough” is too narrow a focus as well: although you are married, you are also now in family unit. Love needs to be considered between the husband and wife, as well as the love shared with your kids and the family. It’s a complex inter-relationship, but when you ask, is love enough – think about how much love there is now: between you and your wife, you and your kids, your wife and your kids, the entire family… If the reason both of you are staying are for your kids, and in turn, becomes a reason for you to work things out develop a stronger relationship, then you both are committed to love each other.. and in the end, does it not become a moot point on how you got there, but the fact is: you and your wife both choose to stay together and make the necessary choices to love each other. And also, the family as a whole also grows as well… You can’t really at this point separate the love between a husband and wife, and parents and kids, but it’s all intertwined somehow.

    So to me, love IS enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. There is an aspect here of health and safety. I think we can love people who hurt us. If this hurt starts to become dangerous, either physically OR mentally, then love is not enough.

    Like

  8. Sue Tuckett says:

    An interesting question, I would answer no. I have a slightly different perspective as I have been married for 27 years and I have not had an affair and as far as I know my husband has not either. I hope this does not sound smug. We had other problems. Have I always been deeply in love with my H, if I am honest not always and I am sure he would say the same. Love fluctuates, the children years are hectic and it is almost inevitable you neglect each other, BUT it does not last forever, someone said you have 7 marriages and if you are lucky they are all with the same person.
    This is why I am here for the first time in a long while I have the time to realise I am entering a new phase in our marriage, the children leaving home and it is a unnerving but exciting change.
    Will love be enough? Going on past experience it will help, but not be enough, respect, affection and most importantly commitment will count in the end.
    None of us can control external events completely and you have moved into a new marriage phase. It will be different than you might have anticipated or wanted but I think you respect your wife, you need to be as affectionate in as many ways as you can be, hugs do it for me, and you are certainly showing commitment so you have every chance of building a successful marriage.
    Hopefully one day you will look back and barely believe it was you that lived an affair you and your marriage will have grown so far away from all of this.

    Like

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