The comments keep rolling in from the last two days posts and it seems to have struck a nerve with a lot of people. Because of the comments I got, I needed to go back and read what I wrote. I was really tired when I wrote it so maybe I wrote some stuff I did not remember. I have read it twice and I think people are jumping to some conclusions.
First, I wrote that she got onto the blog and read it. I wrote that I did not know how I felt about it yet. I have had a lot of people ask me why I was hurt, or assumed that I was really upset about it. I was not. I was exactly what I said. I was unsure how I felt. She can read this blog. I have told her so multiple times. She did not want to because it took so long for me to begin writing again and she wanted it to be my safe place. That is what she and my counselor came up with, however, I am okay with her reading it. May I be a little guarded? Yes, but not like I am trying to hide things from her. More likely I may not be as expressive at first but the general discussions will be the same. I said why I will be guarded, but it is something I will work to get over.
Next, I wrote that the OW had something of mine that I wanted back. It had sentimental value to me but not for remembering her. I did not want to meet her or see her. I just wanted the item back. I wrote this so I could think it out. Not so I could take a poll as to what I should do. No, I write for me. So what did I decide? Well, you will have to ask my wife if you want to know.
Now the initiation of intimacy is complicated. I have years and years of problems in this area. I am not refraining from initiating because I want it all in her court. I would love to, but I cannot handle the rejection and the hurt it causes her when we go through that discussion. Am I sitting back and expecting her to fix everything in our marriage? Hell no! I have my own things to work on that I contributed to the decline in our marriage. This was the area she wanted to work on, she wanted to be more aggressive and attentive. If I take it over then she loses that chance. I have told her that I will be ready when she is, but it makes her feel bad when I get sick about it. I would if I were in her shoes as well. This and religion have been the two major issues in our lives, up to this point. Money was never an issue, family never an issue because I did not have my side. Nope just religion and sex and the two are linked in her mind.
Last thing, am I good guy or bad guy? I think that is still up in the air. I am better than where I came from, but as insistonhonesty commented I am working very hard just to get to the normal standard. I have to work hard just to get to the level everyone else already starts at in their lives. Do I feel this is an accomplishment? Well, I did until it was put to me this way. I think this also relates on who is to blame for all that has gone wrong. I am to blame for the affair. We are to blame for the failed marriage, equally. We both struggled in many areas. Did my upbringing play a roll in this? Yes, but probably just as much as my wife’s did just in a different way. So, I do think I am responsible for where our marriage is at currently. The affair did that to us and I was the cause. Did the OW play a role, yes, but even when I explained it I said it was a small part. I was the major contributing factor to the affair. Just me.
So am I a good guy and do I paint myself to be one on here. Sometimes, yes. I think one person said I have only written one negative paragraph about myself and the rest makes me sound good. Again this is for me, for me to heal, track progress, share my story as it happens. So I will write good and bad, but I am trying to write about my perceptions and feelings about what goes on. Are they right? Who knows, I sure don’t. Do I feel like a good guy? Nope, just a guy who tries to do good things. Do I feel like a bad guy? Nope, just a guy who is failing at avoiding screwing up his life. I guess do spend time on here trying to justify my actions, which means that is what I am trying to do for myself and that is not right. There is no justification. I am glad someone pointed it out. It happened and I did it, that’s it. But where do I go from here? If I cannot look back and try and find the things that put me on this path in the first place then how can I avoid them in the future. Some of those things are going to be the result of interactions with other people (my wife, my family, my coworkers, and yes even the OW) or outside events. Then I look at how I perceived those events in relation to me. I write how I perceived them. What I do like is everyone who chimes in with a different perspective based on what I wrote. I broadens my view and allows me to see it from another angle and see where it went wrong. You would be surprised how often I read a comment and a light bulb goes off. Then it helps create a meaningful discussion with my wife. I often don’t write about those moments. Maybe I should.
I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not asking for anyone to agree with how I am doing things. Maybe my marriage fails and you all get to watch it go down in a blaze of glory, or maybe you will see someone grow and become a better person. Who knows? I know I don’t right now.
I love my wife. I know I do, but as allinduetime1 pointed out to me my marriage is probably lacking in passion. Now I have to figure out, with my wife how we rebuild that. I have made my bed and I will lie in it. But I may just be able to, someday, made it a king size bed that is soft and comfortable and see if my wife will come lie with me. Do I know where this ends? Nope, no one does. Just like all of you who read this, your life can change in a moments notice and you will wonder after it happens how the hell did that happen. Then you will relive it over and over trying to figure it out.
And just for all of you to know, I came home from work today and I shared my thoughts on our lack of passion. We both agreed that is what we need to try and fix. I also talked to her about reading my blog and I assured her that I am perfectly okay with her reading it. I know she said she did not want to, but I told her it is more important for her to be able to read it and compare to what I am telling her. Then she will slowly begin to rebuild that trust in me. These are the moments that I often don’t share. We do this all the time. It doesn’t mean we are all flowery and huggy and kissy right now, but we have a direction and that is good enough for today. Tomorrow is a new one and I will take it as it get here. And maybe, just maybe it will be better than today. That is my goal right now, make tomorrow better than today. Then we can get where we are going.
I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone….Now the question is can we bring them back!