I’m Glad We Had The Times Together Just To Laugh And Sing A Song, Seems Like We Just Got Started And Then Before You Know It, The Times We Had Together Were Gone….Now The Question Is Can We Bring Them Back!

glad-together

The comments keep rolling in from the last two days posts and it seems to have struck a nerve with a lot of people.  Because of the comments I got, I needed to go back and read what I wrote.  I was really tired when I wrote it so maybe I wrote some stuff I did not remember.  I have read it twice and I think people are jumping to some conclusions.

First, I wrote that she got onto the blog and read it.  I wrote that I did not know how I felt about it yet.  I have had a lot of people ask me why I was hurt, or assumed that I was really upset about it.  I was not.  I was exactly what I said.  I was unsure how I felt.  She can read this blog.  I have told her so multiple times.  She did not want to because it took so long for me to begin writing again and she wanted it to be my safe place.  That is what she and my counselor came up with, however, I am okay with her reading it.  May I be a little guarded?  Yes, but not like I am trying to hide things from her.  More likely I may not be as expressive at first but the general discussions will be the same.  I said why I will be guarded, but it is something I will work to get over.

Next, I wrote that the OW had something of mine that I wanted back.  It had sentimental value to me but not for remembering her.  I did not want to meet her or see her.  I just wanted the item back.  I wrote this so I could think it out.  Not so I could take a poll as to what I should do.  No, I write for me.  So what did I decide?  Well, you will have to ask my wife if you want to know.

Now the initiation of intimacy is complicated.  I have years and years of problems in this area.  I am not refraining from initiating because I want it all in her court.  I would love to, but I cannot handle the rejection and the hurt it causes her when we go through that discussion.  Am I sitting back and expecting her to fix everything in our marriage?  Hell no!  I have my own things to work on that I contributed to the decline in our marriage.    This was the area she wanted to work on, she wanted to be more aggressive and attentive.  If I take it over then she loses that chance.  I have told her that I will be ready when she is, but it makes her feel bad when I get sick about it.  I would if I were in her shoes as well.  This and religion have been the two major issues in our lives, up to this point.  Money was never an issue, family never an issue because I did not have my side.  Nope just religion and sex and the two are linked in her mind.

Last thing, am I good guy or bad guy?  I think that is still up in the air.  I am better than where I came from, but as insistonhonesty commented I am working very hard just to get to the normal standard.  I have to work hard just to get to the level everyone else already starts at in their lives.  Do I feel this is an accomplishment?  Well, I did until it was put to me this way.  I think this also relates on who is to blame for all that has gone wrong.  I am to blame for the affair.  We are to blame for the failed marriage, equally.  We both struggled in many areas.  Did my upbringing play a roll in this?  Yes, but probably just as much as my wife’s did just in a different way.  So, I do think I am responsible for where our marriage is at currently.  The affair did that to us and I was the cause.   Did the OW play a role, yes, but even when I explained it I said it was a small part.  I was the major contributing factor to the affair.  Just me.

So am I a good guy and do I paint myself to be one on here.  Sometimes, yes.  I think one person said I have only written one negative paragraph about myself and the rest makes me sound good.  Again this is for me, for me to heal, track progress, share my story as it happens.  So I will write good and bad, but I am trying to write about my perceptions and feelings about what goes on.  Are they right?  Who knows, I sure don’t.  Do I feel like a good guy?  Nope, just a guy who tries to do good things.  Do I feel like a bad guy?  Nope, just a guy who is failing at avoiding screwing up his life.  I guess do spend time on here trying to justify my actions, which means that is what I am trying to do for myself and that is not right.  There is no justification. I am glad someone pointed it out.  It happened and I did it, that’s it.  But where do I go from here?  If I cannot look back and try and find the things that put me on this path in the first place then how can I avoid them in the future.  Some of those things are going to be the result of interactions with other people (my wife, my family, my coworkers, and yes even the OW) or outside events.  Then I look at how I perceived those events in relation to me.  I write how I perceived them.  What I do like is everyone who chimes in with a different perspective based on what I wrote.  I broadens my view and allows me to see it from another angle and see where it went wrong.  You would be surprised how often I read a comment and a light bulb goes off.   Then it helps create a meaningful discussion with my wife.  I often don’t write about those moments.  Maybe I should.

I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not asking for anyone to agree with how I am doing things.  Maybe my marriage fails and you all get to watch it go down in a blaze of glory, or maybe you will see someone grow and become a better person.  Who knows?  I know I don’t right now.

I love my wife.  I know I do, but as allinduetime1 pointed out to me my marriage is probably lacking in passion.  Now I have to figure out, with my wife how we rebuild that.    I have made my bed and I will lie in it.  But I may just be able to, someday, made it a king size bed that is soft and comfortable and see if my wife will come lie with me.  Do I know where this ends?  Nope, no one does.  Just like all of you who read this, your life can change in a moments notice and you will wonder after it happens how the hell did that happen.  Then you will relive it over and over trying to figure it out.

And just for all of you to know, I came home from work today and I shared my thoughts on our lack of passion.  We both agreed that is what we need to try and fix.  I also talked to her about reading my blog and I assured her that I am perfectly okay with her reading it.  I know she said she did not want to, but I told her it is more important for her to be able to read it and compare to what I am telling her.  Then she will slowly begin to rebuild that trust in me.  These are the moments that I often don’t share.  We do this all the time.  It doesn’t mean we are all flowery and huggy and kissy right now, but we have a direction and that is good enough for today.  Tomorrow is a new one and I will take it as it get here.  And maybe, just maybe it will be better than today.  That is my goal right now, make tomorrow better than today.  Then we can get where we are going.

I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone….Now the question is can we bring them back!

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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10 Responses to I’m Glad We Had The Times Together Just To Laugh And Sing A Song, Seems Like We Just Got Started And Then Before You Know It, The Times We Had Together Were Gone….Now The Question Is Can We Bring Them Back!

  1. poslaw says:

    I still think you are a good guy. So there!

    (I really hope this gave you a smile today.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • rac says:

      I think he’s a good guy too. Just made a terrible shitty mistake. But most good people do, and will.

      Liked by 2 people

      • poslaw says:

        Yeah, people do that. Every last one of us has and will screw up royally. I think the best we can do is show each other compassion.

        Liked by 1 person

      • rac says:

        Compassion… Hell yes.. I struggle with this.. Not because I lack it.. Quite the opposite.. I am an empath and I’m highly sensitive. I’m a nurse, oldest daughter and big sister, mother and wife (choke, cough…) I was born a care taker. I have shed many tears thru most all the blogs I follow.. Not all sad. I am highly compassionate, even to my cheating husband. I get why he did it, fundamentally. Still sucks that he did it..

        So I struggle with his lack of it. He’s so over what he did. Has nearly swept it under a rug. That I walk over.

        There’s not near enough compassion in the world ❤️

        Like

  2. Annie B says:

    I have every hope you will! We survived this early on and it transformed the way we communicated and the way we loved. It wasn’t easy but it was totally worth it. I am one of the few people you will hear say that the heartache was worth the outcome. I’ve come to consider it part of the “worse” mentioned in the vows.

    We survived the storm because we forced ourselves to meet in the middle and never let go. And NO ONE was allowed in the healing circle, not family or friends.

    I will also say that the test of infidelity and the determination it gave us to uncover and treat the root cause set us on course to survive the bigger trials that were waiting down the line. I am not minimizing the pain or betrayal but I am saying that the lessons we chose to take from it were game changers for us.

    We decided to share the blame as it was totally a 50/50 f’up. I left my husband feeling exactly as you have described – unloved, unwanted and unworthy. No human should feel that way. I helped set up a situation that made temptation seem like a pain reliever and the sad part is, I had no idea how to fix it. The situation was as much on me as it was on him.

    It was hard work to learn to walk again, but walk we did. Once we made the decision that ‘failure was not an option’, we were forced to face each other in whatever emotional state we were in. There were a few stumbles but we had put in place a ‘get out of jail free ‘ system so when emotions clouded reason, we played the card and stepped back to regain composure.

    We too were both raised in religion and chose to put all the ‘religious’ propaganda of our youth behind us and get back to the essence of what drew us together from the start.

    Once we stripped away the rigidity, abuse and foul communication of our respective pasts – we started to fly again. We won’t be landing anytime soon. We will celebrate 40 years in 2016.

    Your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable are amazing and I wanted to say I am believing in you guys with all of my heart.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for writing this blog and I really appreciate your openness and honesty. Sometimes we forget this is an outlet for you to express your thoughts, emotions and frustrations – and not a confession or a plea for advice. Your posts will natural reflect the state of mind you’re in and your conflicts. I apologize if I have been too forward with giving advice or passing judgement. If you’re open, I will continue to comment and voice my opinions, but I will do so without passing judgement.

    Please don’t feel obligated to explain yourself to us. You don’t owe us anything. If anything, it is a privilege for us to share this journey with you in your blog.

    All the best to you and your family.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Bugsmetwo says:

    I’m just glad you are writing your perspective thinking through your own thoughts. You have helped me immensely in my marriage because of this. I hope you continue and I will try not to think that I am living in your life. That aspect alone should help both of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mindonink says:

    you’re not a bad guy. good people make mistakes too. whats most important is you’re not throwing your marriage away, you’re trying to fix it, owning up to your mistakes. dont beat yourself up for it, mostly give it some space and time. my uncle has done the same. but my aunt decided to forgive him, it was hard at first, but 15 years since the affair, they both found happiness and forgiveness and second chances along the way. they have never been happier. and i wish nothing but the best to you and your wife.

    Like

  6. mindonink says:

    sorry for the typos/ they had* never been happier

    Like

  7. EllaEmsen says:

    The man God favored most in the bible was David, who also happened to be a murderer and adulterer. Not to bring religion or the bible into it, but just to encourage you. Making mistakes is a part of life. What define’s us is how we respond and move forward from those mistakes. Hope things work out for you and your wife!

    Liked by 2 people

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