So I have been thinking about what to write all day and yesterday. I have been having a lot going on in my head and I can’t make much sense of it. I think I will start with tonight and work backwards.
My wife went to bed two hours ago in tears. I watched her go to lay with my son who was scared of the thunderstorms. Why was she crying? She feels torn between putting my needs before my sons. I understand why she was upset. We were trying to have a real conversation for the first time in days. She told me that she freaked out on Friday when she came home and found me slumped over my computer and having a horrible day. She knew that something had happened and she was scared that the OW and I had made contact.
So what did she do? First, she went to the OW’s Facebook. She has created a fame account so she can check up on her. I think this is her third one. Nothing was there. So then she asked me I told her I was just having a bad day. My post I was writing vanished when my computer updated without telling me. I was having a big fight with my soon to be ex-boss and I had a lot going on with my head. I had two counseling sessions the two days previous that I don’t think were helpful. So yea, I was not have a good day.
She believed there was something else and obviously did not trust that I was telling her the truth (I don’t blame her for this) so she did something she said she would not do. She looked up my blog and read it. She has told me that she would not read it so I had a safe place to put my thoughts and feelings without worrying about if she saw them. Then she thought I might be more honest with myself. I will point out that I have told her she is welcome to read it whenever she wants. I don’t think she will because some details are more than she wants to know. But I have not hid this from her.
How do I feel about it? I am not sure yet. I do need a place where I can express myself freely, but that is hard because as you will later find out that is how she found out all of the story. After all the shock and fighting about what was in my journal, she felt horribly guilty for invading my privacy. Taking away the only outlet I had left. That was in January. I was finally convinced to start writing again and I moved on to here. So again I have no safe outlet. Why do I feel I need one? Well growing up as I did I had very little privacy and very few things that I could keep to myself. So what little privacy I can get I try and protect and hide from the world. If my family found out anything they would use it against me so I learned to be extremely secretive. So now I no longer have that. She think she lost my trust after the first time because she read my personal thoughts. Yet, she went and did it again. I understand why and am not angry, but I may be more guarded than I would like. Which really in the end defeats the purpose of this blog.
She gave me a letter she wrote a while ago to the OW. I read it with no emotion on purpose. Some of the things hurt, rightly so, but I did understand her points. She did say thank you for waking us up to our problems and now maybe we can get back on track and save ourselves. And STAY OUT OF OUR LIVES…(I thought that part was funny. Perfect, but funny. Not sure why, probably inappropriate, but I did).
Step back a few hours and I have pretty much healed from my neck/shoulder injury. So I think we were both happy because now it will be the first summer in two years I won’t be injured. So I play on a local men’s league team and we played our “rivals” (Can you really still have rivals at our age?). When I am healthy I average about 3 goals a game so they wanted me to come out and play. I decided to do it so I could release some energy. I could run off all that has been building inside of me. I mentioned two years ago I tore my hamstring that out me out for 6 months and last year I broke my leg playing so it has really be a few years since I got to play on a regular basis. I was playing and about 35 min in I am running and decide to go just a bit faster to beat a guy to the ball and wham-o. I tore my other hamstring. Out I go for year 3. I hope not but it is not looking good.
I am just doing awesome right now (remember all the dripping sarcasm I throw out). We are not doing good. We are back to the same. She even said it tonight. She does not believe I will stay because love just isn’t enough for me. I don’t even know what that means. Here is what I do know. Last Friday we had a fight. I mentioned it on her, but in the end we had sex and fell asleep in each others arms. That was the last time we have been intimate. We haven’t even came close since then. I might as well live on another continent. She told the counselor that it was because it makes me sick when we do it. Well yes, it does. But it is not like I am gagging or have disgusted looks on my face. I enjoy it and show it. It isn’t until after that I get sick. I want to throw-up because I blame sex for part of this affair and a lot of our relational issues. So now it is a trigger. How do I get rid of that trigger everyone? Also I will not instigate sex. I did for 20 years and I don’t think I can take that type of rejection anymore. It is one of the worst feeling you can get, when you spouse tells you no constantly “I am too tired, or maybe tomorrow, or I haven’t showered” I would rather just not try because then I don’t get rejected. What is another 10 years? I know how this
It sucks because now I am no longer getting any attention and life is going right back where it came from. SO is love enough? Is it for anyone? Love maybe enough but I think that you have to work on that love everyday or it quickly becomes platonic. I feel she has stopped trying. She has not gone to her counselor for the last two sessions. We stopped having sex. We are not having nightly conversations anymore. And then she tells me that I don’t think love is enough for me. I think the right kind of love would be right for me. Just not the “oh, he knows I love him so I don’t need to do anything anymore type of love.’
I don’t know what to do. What she is right about it that I am struggling picturing this working out. We went shopping yesterday for a nightgown. Why? I said something stupid a month or so ago about one she was wearing about how ugly it was. So she threw it away. Now we would go through store after store and after she anything I did not find them the least but attractive. We just have such starkly different views on it. I wanted something cute, but I knew she wanted to be able to walk around with the kids and not feel uncomfortable. I stopped even suggesting because I never was close, but everything she picked was something her grandma might still wear. It was just a frustrating last few days.
So what now? How the hell do I know? I have no counseling for two weeks and I don’t know exactly how I am going to handle it. Can I use this to vent? Not anymore. So I am lost again. I feel like I am just going backwards. Everyone says it will be a roller coaster ride. I am just looking forward to get it going up again.
They say I’m old-fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast! – Dr. Seuss