Its Better To Know How To Learn Than To Know…Just Be Careful What You Do With That Knowledge

I survived the night.  I actually really enjoyed our night together.  We made dinner together and then watched a bad movie together all in the quiet of our home.  It seemed so strange to be alone, but very nice.  I guess I don’t know exactly what I was so nervous about.  I  wish it would last a little longer.

Well on with my story…

I had just met the OW for the first time.  I had decided to have one last push to save my marriage.  The major problem with all my plans were that I never told my wife that I had a problem with the way things were going.  Yes, we fought over a few things and sex was a big issue between us but I never told her that I felt unwanted and unloved.  That I know now was my biggest mistake.  My reasoning was if I told her then she will just act differently to keep me around and not really love or want me.  I wanted her to want me and need me as I was.  But the funny thing was I kept making changes to try and get her attention, I didn’t want her to change but it was okay for me to change.  It sounds ridiculous even as I write it now.

She was supposed to be home in a few days so I cleaned the house, got all the dishes and laundry caught up and made it so she wouldn’t have anything to do when she got home.  So she got home and was grateful that everything was clean and caught up because that would give her time to prepare her work for when she was leaving on the next trip.  So off she went to work, then it was prepping for the next trip.  I was immensely frustrated.  I tried to get her to take walks with me but she would be too tired or the kids needed to get out and do things so lets do that instead.  There was always something before me, before us.  And I never said a word.

Now as this was going on I was still chatting with the OW.  I had decided that I needed to tell her that I was married.  She knew that I was hiding stuff and she knew virtually nothing about me because I was very good about steering the conversation back towards her.  Then I would learn a great deal and she would not really notice that she didn’t know anything about me.  It was during one of these talks when she was frustrated with her soon to be ex-husband that we got talking about her other relationships and how she did not want to have another marriage.  She wasn’t even sure she actually wanted another relationship.  She was happy by herself and if she could just get laid quite often then she thought that would be ideal.  In fact, she said her best scenario would be to find a nice married man and then be his girl on the side.  She would get the sex she wanted and a little attention without all the feelings and issues that come with a relationship.  I was floored.  I didn’t know what to say.  We talked a little more that night but I never told her I was married that night.

It was the next night or the night after that I told her that I was married.  I explained my situation and that I did not really know what to do.  I loved the attention that she was giving me and I really thought we clicked.  She told me that it sounds like my wife just was not happy.  She was probably at a point in her life where she did not know what to do.  She wasn’t happy with her marriage, job, and she was far away from her family so she was depressed.  She told me the best thing I could do for both of us was to get out of the marriage.  That way we could both find a way to be happy.  I thought about this and then said that I don’t think I could because of our kids.  She countered with “Look at what I am teaching them now.  That my happiness, your wife’s happiness does not matter.  Do I want my kids to learn that lesson?”  Ughh…

I obviously was not in the state of mind where I could argue her point.  She made it sound so obvious and that I was silly that I didn’t realize it earlier.  I never once thought that I should teach my kids that happiness is something that you have to work for everyday.  And when you stop working for it is when you stop getting it.  And that is what I did.  I stopped working for it.  I checked out of our marriage and stopped helping around.  My wife was on her new diet and working on herself but I was still nowhere on her radar, or that is at least how I felt.  So I spent a lot of time thinking and talking with the OW who I thought was providing me with great information.  I mean she didn’t want a relationship so what was she gaining out of giving me advice.  Not me.  So I listened and listened and kept moving farther and father out of our marriage.

At this point the OW also started pushing to see me again.  She knew my wife was leaving town again soon and so she wanted to see me.  I did not think it was a good idea but then again my wife did not want me, she did not need me, and I could not make her happy.  At least when I would talk with the OW, I would be in a better mood and everyone benefited from that.  So why wouldn’t I see her again.  I  kept thinking that it couldn’t hurt.  I could keep myself under control.  The texts between us were more and more provocative.  Which just made it even harder on me because I was having all this sexual tension building without a release.  Even thinking about it now makes me a little sick.  I cannot believe how stupid I was, it is amazing how smart I think I am and yet I fell hook, line, and sinker for her.  I finally agreed.  And so it began…  And I thought I knew so much when really I knew nothing.

Its better to know how to learn than to know – Dr. Seuss