Today Is Your Day. Your Mountain Is Waiting. So… Get On Your Way….Too Bad I Can’t See The Mountain Through The Clouds

Dr-Seuss-inspirational-quotes (13)

Today I am home alone.  I hate being home alone.  I try to stay busy but I can never be busy enough to stop my head from running nonstop.  And I know it is my biggest enemy right now.  We are sending our youngest to stay with some of his friends tonight and so my wife and I will be home alone together.  It probably will be the first time in years, many years and instead of being excited about the time alone with my wife I feel more nervous than excited.  I don’t want to set any expectations because I used to do that and then I would be so frustrated when things did not go as I expected.  And honestly I don’t know what to expect anymore.

I am sure we will talk tonight about our future and I really don’t know how the conversation is going to go.  I have been trying very hard to stay focused on my family and my wife, the problem is it isn’t anything different from what I was doing for years before things fell apart.  The only difference is she now understands that her reciprocating and recognizing my efforts are important.  But that only makes me think that she is only doing it because she feels she has to not because she truly loves the things that I do for her and the family.  I don’t know how to get past it.

I am sure she has to have the same feelings.  Why am I all of a sudden giving her the attention I took away about a year ago?  Am I doing it because I am afraid she will leave?   Are my motives wholesome and sincere?  And I could answer ‘Yes’ to all of those questions.  I am doing it so she won’t leave but I am also doing it because it is what I want to do.  It is not like I am showering my family with presents and forced attention.  I am just recognizing the little things they do and providing affection when I feel the moment.  Are my motives wholesome and sincere?  Well, about as wholesome and sincere as a person who cheated on his wife can get.  I am sure she has these doubts and I have the same about her motives and intentions.  How does one get past these?  Great question, I wish I knew.

My biggest concern is that because she has never done what she is doing now, it may be forced in which case I know it won’t last.  I feel like I can already see that happening.  Each week there is less and less from her and it frustrates me.  She also has seemed to get over all of this so quickly it also scares me.  She does tell me when things I do or listen to or watch trigger things in her and we are quick to eliminate them from our lives but still I feel like there is a bomb waiting to go off.

Here is my other big problem.  I cannot stop thinking about the OW.  I can’t even though I try.  It is hard because I did have feelings for her even though I am not sure what those feelings were.  So my mind constantly wanders back into her world.  I wonder how she is doing, has she moved on, is she devastated because I am no longer talking to her even though she has attempted to contact me.   I almost feel like I didn’t get any closure and that is difficult.  I guess I just wished I knew that she was okay and has moved on.  I know I can’t share these thoughts with my wife.   She would flip out and rightly so, but that doesn’t stop them from happening.  I have not acted on them nor do I plan to but I was hoping they would lessen by now so I could stop hurting but no luck.

Now I read a lot of the blogs on here and every tale each person is different from the others, mine included.  I mean how many people do you know in your entire life that has only dated one person their entire life.  Not many I am guessing.  Also how many also don’t have any contact with their family.  A few more than the last but still not many.  This is what makes my situation so difficult.  I don’t have anything to compare what I am feeling against.  I have no previous experiences in my life that even resemble love.  I grew up in a very difficult home with 6 brothers and sisters and I have no contact with any of them.  Love was not a word used to describe my home life, far from it.  So how do I handle the mess I have made when I have no reference point in which to establish a baseline.

Here is how I figured out what I believed love was, TV.  Sad but true.  Luckily it was before most of the crap we have on TV now.  No I am talking ‘Little house on the prairie’, The wonder years’, Growing pains’  ‘Cosby show’,…  Shows that had a plot and something they tried to teach you about life lessons.  That is where I figured out a lot about life and love and happiness.  So when my wife first came into my life she was like an angel and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.  This is why it is so confusing to me, because the feelings I had with the OW are much different.  But they are also shorter term.  So maybe those same feeling were present when I first started dating my wife and they have just morphed into what we have now.  Don’t get me wrong I do love my wife and I will still do anything she asks but my mind has its own agenda and until I figure this out my thoughts about the OW won’t go away and I know it.

So do I tell my wife I still constantly think about the OW?  Do I just keep going along hoping that time will heal this wound?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I do know that I am not going to ever get back with the OW.  Even if my wife and I decided to get divorced.  It would be too much for everyone involved so she has to be out of my life and I get that, but it doesn’t make it easy.  Then again I am the one who complicated everything in the first place.

My therapist says to just take one day at a time, stay in the present.  That is easier said than done my friend.  He has obviously never been inside my head.  It is like a million different people all providing input and gathering and organizing information.  It is great when they are all on the same page but if you put them in a situation like this, it is like a million different people all fighting over what they think is right and none of them have the same opinion.  I fly from one thought to another all seemingly connected, but often they are not.  They are just random thoughts.  Most of these thoughts are about the past or the future based off my past.  There is no present.  If fact I actually think I wrote a college paper on that once, explaining the fact that there is no such thing as the present.

Well I am definitely rambling today.  It is probably because I am so nervous about tonight even though it is most likely going to go fine and we will have a great time together.  But the building sense of panic inside me disagrees.  She is home in an hour and then we will being our day together.  If anyone has any insights feel free to pass them along, but I know my story is so unique that it may be difficult for people to relate. Today is going to be one mountain I don’t know I will be able to climb without falling often.  Wish me well…

Today is your day.  Your mountain is waiting.  So… Get on your way – Dr Seuss

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in April 2015, Coffee Affair and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Today Is Your Day. Your Mountain Is Waiting. So… Get On Your Way….Too Bad I Can’t See The Mountain Through The Clouds

  1. If you want stay with your wife, do not ever tell her you think of OW. It will serve no purpose but to hurt her.

    I’m obviously on the other side of things as the former OW.

    I think many of the same things that you do. I still think of B all the time. It’s been almost 3 months since things ended, but barely a few hours pass each day that I don’t think of him. There are times where I long for him. We were together for 3 years and had very real and significant feelings. I pray for the day that I can get him out of my head. I miss him. I hope he’s ok. And sometimes I even hope that he’s suffering as much as I have suffered.

    I think somehow, someday even if he actually did divorce W that we could never put it back together. He made it impossible by everything that he did. He set off a nuclear bomb that destroyed everything he touched.

    It would be far too painful for everyone involved. He hurt me so much by the way he ended it. My friends HATE him. I’m fairly certain they would lock me up if I ever considered him again. I’m certain that he hurt W even more than he hurt me. First by telling her he wanted a divorce, going through the whole process (which was ugly), then ultimately confessing he had an affair. I can’t even imagine what things must be like over there.

    My therapist suggested that when I start thinking and thinking of B that I picture a stop sign in my head. I say stop out loud and then I make an effort to change what I am thinking about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks for your thoughts. I know exactly what you mean by a nuclear bomb. I feel like anything that had to do with either my wife or the OW are all triggers for someone and so everything seems to be “off the table”. I can’t imagine doing what I did for 3 years as the few months that I did do it I could see how much hurt I was causing both people I cared about. I am just trying to go day by day and keep my head.
      Good luck , I know it cannot be easy for you if you were anything like my OW as I know she cared a great deal and this is probably killing her, not probably, I know it is killing her. That is one reason I hurt so much. There is nothing I can do about it even though I caused it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes it has been very difficult. Indescribable actually. I loved B more than I can accurately write about. He knew what this would do to me and it hurts so much knowing that he did it anyway.

        We are all in this pickle because of his actions. I tried to walk away many times. I was ready to be done many times. Each time he sucked me back in with empty promises. What really hurts is that the love grew and grew with every year that passed. If he would have let me go the first time I asked, we would all have moved on in a much different way. Instead our lives became more intertwined with each passing year. Now I feel as though I’ve lost a limb and it’s hard to learn how to live life without it.

        It has given me comfort to read your words. I do hope that B feels the pain of loss as I have. Seeing that you feel that lets me know that maybe he does too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    Unfortunately, we don’t shut down emotions straight away – even when they are ones we don’t want to feel anymore, or think are wrong. It was one of the hard things for me to come to terms with – he loved (although he says he never LOVED the OW) two of us at once. You just have to work through this, it is the one part of this that does seem to improve with time. Distance from her (time-wise) will help. Just stay strong and stay away from her the feelings are most likely to fade, but you do need to use mindfulness techniques to help yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      Thanks. I am hoping time will really help.

      Like

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Time doesn’t heal on it’s own, but when it comes to feelings for the OW it does help. Mine had ended it before I knew anything, but even then it took a while. He feels disgust for both himself and her NOW but it makes sense that feelings fade, you don’t switch them on and off at will. It is hard to take as a betrayed, I believe it took about two years, and he didn’t really even LIKE this person a whole lot, but she was his emotional crutch for a year and a half. Humans need that to MEAN something. Even when they don’t want to FEEL anything but contempt for their fellow betrayer. Mine felt bad ferling anger towards her because he felt that was blame shifting when he chose to betray me as much as she did – more.

        Liked by 1 person

        • bac4sccr says:

          I can certainly see that. She was there when I needed something so it is hard just to let it go and pretend it did not mean anything. At least my wife understands this and we are learning from it.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. emmagc75 says:

    Just take it one day at a time. The pain and withdrawal we feel from the other woman/man is real and takes time to heal. Keep doing what you’re doing. I never expected to be on one side of this sort of thing, much less both!

    Like

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