Today I am home alone. I hate being home alone. I try to stay busy but I can never be busy enough to stop my head from running nonstop. And I know it is my biggest enemy right now. We are sending our youngest to stay with some of his friends tonight and so my wife and I will be home alone together. It probably will be the first time in years, many years and instead of being excited about the time alone with my wife I feel more nervous than excited. I don’t want to set any expectations because I used to do that and then I would be so frustrated when things did not go as I expected. And honestly I don’t know what to expect anymore.
I am sure we will talk tonight about our future and I really don’t know how the conversation is going to go. I have been trying very hard to stay focused on my family and my wife, the problem is it isn’t anything different from what I was doing for years before things fell apart. The only difference is she now understands that her reciprocating and recognizing my efforts are important. But that only makes me think that she is only doing it because she feels she has to not because she truly loves the things that I do for her and the family. I don’t know how to get past it.
I am sure she has to have the same feelings. Why am I all of a sudden giving her the attention I took away about a year ago? Am I doing it because I am afraid she will leave? Are my motives wholesome and sincere? And I could answer ‘Yes’ to all of those questions. I am doing it so she won’t leave but I am also doing it because it is what I want to do. It is not like I am showering my family with presents and forced attention. I am just recognizing the little things they do and providing affection when I feel the moment. Are my motives wholesome and sincere? Well, about as wholesome and sincere as a person who cheated on his wife can get. I am sure she has these doubts and I have the same about her motives and intentions. How does one get past these? Great question, I wish I knew.
My biggest concern is that because she has never done what she is doing now, it may be forced in which case I know it won’t last. I feel like I can already see that happening. Each week there is less and less from her and it frustrates me. She also has seemed to get over all of this so quickly it also scares me. She does tell me when things I do or listen to or watch trigger things in her and we are quick to eliminate them from our lives but still I feel like there is a bomb waiting to go off.
Here is my other big problem. I cannot stop thinking about the OW. I can’t even though I try. It is hard because I did have feelings for her even though I am not sure what those feelings were. So my mind constantly wanders back into her world. I wonder how she is doing, has she moved on, is she devastated because I am no longer talking to her even though she has attempted to contact me. I almost feel like I didn’t get any closure and that is difficult. I guess I just wished I knew that she was okay and has moved on. I know I can’t share these thoughts with my wife. She would flip out and rightly so, but that doesn’t stop them from happening. I have not acted on them nor do I plan to but I was hoping they would lessen by now so I could stop hurting but no luck.
Now I read a lot of the blogs on here and every tale each person is different from the others, mine included. I mean how many people do you know in your entire life that has only dated one person their entire life. Not many I am guessing. Also how many also don’t have any contact with their family. A few more than the last but still not many. This is what makes my situation so difficult. I don’t have anything to compare what I am feeling against. I have no previous experiences in my life that even resemble love. I grew up in a very difficult home with 6 brothers and sisters and I have no contact with any of them. Love was not a word used to describe my home life, far from it. So how do I handle the mess I have made when I have no reference point in which to establish a baseline.
Here is how I figured out what I believed love was, TV. Sad but true. Luckily it was before most of the crap we have on TV now. No I am talking ‘Little house on the prairie’, The wonder years’, Growing pains’ ‘Cosby show’,… Shows that had a plot and something they tried to teach you about life lessons. That is where I figured out a lot about life and love and happiness. So when my wife first came into my life she was like an angel and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. This is why it is so confusing to me, because the feelings I had with the OW are much different. But they are also shorter term. So maybe those same feeling were present when I first started dating my wife and they have just morphed into what we have now. Don’t get me wrong I do love my wife and I will still do anything she asks but my mind has its own agenda and until I figure this out my thoughts about the OW won’t go away and I know it.
So do I tell my wife I still constantly think about the OW? Do I just keep going along hoping that time will heal this wound? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I do know that I am not going to ever get back with the OW. Even if my wife and I decided to get divorced. It would be too much for everyone involved so she has to be out of my life and I get that, but it doesn’t make it easy. Then again I am the one who complicated everything in the first place.
My therapist says to just take one day at a time, stay in the present. That is easier said than done my friend. He has obviously never been inside my head. It is like a million different people all providing input and gathering and organizing information. It is great when they are all on the same page but if you put them in a situation like this, it is like a million different people all fighting over what they think is right and none of them have the same opinion. I fly from one thought to another all seemingly connected, but often they are not. They are just random thoughts. Most of these thoughts are about the past or the future based off my past. There is no present. If fact I actually think I wrote a college paper on that once, explaining the fact that there is no such thing as the present.
Well I am definitely rambling today. It is probably because I am so nervous about tonight even though it is most likely going to go fine and we will have a great time together. But the building sense of panic inside me disagrees. She is home in an hour and then we will being our day together. If anyone has any insights feel free to pass them along, but I know my story is so unique that it may be difficult for people to relate. Today is going to be one mountain I don’t know I will be able to climb without falling often. Wish me well…
Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting. So… Get on your way – Dr Seuss