So I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who has commented on my posts. You have all been very supportive and while I was very unsure about doing this it has helped me immensely, you and all your stories have helped immensely. Only time will really tell what lies ahead for me and my family but right now, at this moment, it looks promising.
I am lucky to have the wife that I do and I know I won’t take her for granted again. We talked last night for a long time about everything. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was unsure about whether or not to tell her that I think about the OW often, well she solved the problem for me. She brought it up in our conversation and told me how difficult it must be for me and that I must still constantly have her on my mind. I told her I that I did and I did not know how to handle it. I only have my therapist to discuss it with and that is not near frequent enough. Well she asked that I please talk to her about it. She would rather know what is in my head, even if it hurts and we both understand that we will still say and do things that are going to hurt each other in this healing process. It made me feel so at ease and I was able to talk to her about things.
I know she is in a different situation than most of you because she has never met or seen the OW. She was not someone we knew before all this happened so the amount of triggers that she has are not nearly as bad as they could be. For me on the other hand, I have triggers everywhere, from the clothes that I wear, to the music I listen to, to the activities I do for fun, all triggers and I am struggling to move past them.
We decided to try marriage counseling again but I am extremely leery because of the last 3 experiences I have had with them. In fact I am surprised I can even talk to my counselor because I am so private and so scared to reveal anything about myself. I am one of the most private people you would ever meet, but you would never know it. Especially because of the line of work that I am in. I am constantly involved with people and get to know most of them quite well but I am very good at hiding who I am and what my past looks like. This is one reason I think this blog helps so much because I can say things without revealing too much about myself. I am in control (or so I believe).
Anyways, before I got sidetracked, we are going to start marriage counseling and I am not sure how to find one that I will even talk to or open up to at all. I know it won’t work if I don’t participate, but I cannot get past it. It took my current therapist a long time before we could talk about anything personal and that was after I questioned him about a ton of things to see if I thought he would fit with me (luckily he passed). My wife is much more open and honest but I was brought up to hide and suppress everything. If you let it out it will be used against you. So she wants me to pick our therapist and I not sure how to do that. I am going to see if my therapist has any suggestions but I am very well-connected in this community and that is one of my issues. If there is anyway I think it can get to people I know then I won’t open up (hence the questioning) and then there is the judging issue. Our last one started out good but then became very judgmental of me, or at least I felt that way. She made some comments about me destroying my kids if I even thought about leaving my marriage and I would have to live with the guilt that I ruined them. That was my last straw with her and I stopped going anymore.
I just wish that I knew what the best thing was to do and who to turn to for help. Only I can control my future, but I think I have lost the steering wheel sometimes and I am flying out of control. It sure helps to have a copilot and I love having her. Now if we could just get a user manual (counselor) that isn’t in a foreign language then I feel we could right this ship for good. It will take some work and studying but if you don’t have the right manual you are going to struggle tremendously. If only life was that simple….
Only you can control your future – Dr. Seuss
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
I am really glad that your W is understanding. I think that sounds like the key to success to me. If she is open to listening, I think it’s great.
I found my very excellent therapist through a referral. She is the 3rd one I tried out, so keep at it!
I will say that I recently entirely replaced my wardrobe (seriously). My clothes were a trigger for me too. It helped that I lost almost 20 pounds in 2 months, so it was necessary as well as healing. I put away all of my old clothes and it does help.
It sounds like things are moving onward and upward for you. That’s great!
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Thanks for your thoughts. I don’t think I can change my wardrobe as a lot of it is work related and it is required, but hopefully I can find a new job and then move forward. I know that all of my current jobs are triggers even though she really has nothing to do with them. Ughhh… Some days everything feels like a trigger.
But I just try and make the next day better than the last, try being the optimum word there.
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I never met the OW. My husband joined a chat room to find someone to sext with. That hurt mote than I can say. When they met after a relatively short time, the affair continued for over 2 years even after I found out. I am so glad you talk to your wife because the wall of silence that I get is crippling. I want the full story from start to finish no matter how it might hurt. Having all these unanswered questions kills me. I have so many triggers but mainly because the OW targetted me when he wouldn’t leave me. She has made my life a misery. After 2 suicide attempts and counselling I am now starting to get through the grief of it all. I have PTSD as a result of their actions. We found marriage counselling really helpful so I hope you find the right one. Ours is so good. She listens, advises but never judges us. She is the oil on troubled waters. I wish you well in your quest for peace. It is interesting to see things from the other side. I am going to ask my husband to read your blog because I think he will then understand what I am unable to explain
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That is one thing that I have promised her. Whatever she wants to know she just needs to ask. I know some of it she does not want to know so that things are not triggers for her, but if she ever did I would tell her. Even though it would be painful for both of us.
I am glad that you are finally moving forward and I really hope you the best. I know no one, including myself, will ever truly know how painful this is for everyone involved. I know how painful my side is and I really believe that your side has to be so much worse. So hang in there because now you are headed in the right direction it is easier to stay there than having to turn everything around.
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Yes it is and thank you. There are things that I have no desire to know either. The wife of the other man that she was with at the same time as my husband, needed to know everything but it us toture. I can’t put myself through that you have to draw a line in the sand at some point. We will get there eventually. The strength that we have drawn from our love over so many years is the strength that we are drawing on now to save it.
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I totally agree that openness is key. But of course you both have to acknowledge and be on the same page. I’m thrilled she is. Tell her everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is the ONLY way to build intimacy.
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I agree and I am willing to give her whatever she wants to know. We both read something that sometimes not knowing can be easier, but it all depends on the personality. Some people want all the details and some don’t. I know, at least for now, she does not want all the details but if she ever does I am willing to share.
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Very true. Just be aware that most betrayed spouses get VERY pissed off at “trickle truth” where it takes months or longer to get info. If you promise truth, tell her it all. Don’t hold it back thinking it won’t come out later. When it does it cuts deeper again. The only way I could fathom staying was with full disclosure. Not because I was stupid enough to think it would not hurt, but because it was an act of faith, the only way for us to rebuild any of the trust it took 25 years to build and cement, only to be crushed in the instant he put his dick in my friend. You can never rebuild it in the form it once took. Any trust regained is guarded forever after infidelity, never to be found again in its purest form. It sucks. But you can’t undo any of this shit so you have to find a way…together or alone. I fucking hate that this has changed me so severely, but hate doesn’t change the facts 😦
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I am well aware of the “trickle truth” issue as you will see as I complete my story. I have told her everything we could think of but it is a lot of the details that she doesn’t want to know. But I will share anything she wants now but I honestly don’t know what I have told her, what I haven’t and what are still lies we haven’t cleared up. When the lies come up I discuss them with her and then we try move on but it rips open the wounds each time because the lies are the worst part of this.
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Why do you miss the OW?
Truly – I’m not saying this rhetorically; I’m asking. Truthfully- what do you miss about the OW? NOT what did you like about her then… but what do you miss her now *about*?
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That is a great question and I had never thought about it until you asked it. I honestly just feel like I am missing part of me and that is weird to say. But as I sit and think about it I think I miss 4 things:
1. I miss the attention that she showered on me nonstop. If she wasn’t texting me or calling then we would write emails that we would send be able to read when we were at our computers later. It is almost like she was a constant companion that did not leave my side for the time we were together, not physically but emotionally.
2. I think I miss the break from reality and my episodes into “fantasy land”. A place where I could go and relax and get away from all the stressors I have in my life.
3. I miss the challenge she was for me. She pushed me to do things I would have never done before. She made my walls come down and be open to try new things. I am a stubborn person and love things consistent, so new is generally not good for me.
4. I missed the physical attraction and how she made me feel about myself. She was very attractive and she made me believe that I was also. And as most affairs go, there was a intense physical interaction that I was not getting at home and had never got at home.
Now that being said, I have talked about all of these things with my wife and we are working on each and everyone of them. She had also told me some of the things she wished I would do to make her feel better about herself as well. So while it is not at the intensity of what the OW gave me (and I think right now that is a big reason I miss her) we are getting better at these things and they are becoming less artificial to me and more sincere. Which is what we both need. It has to feel genuine otherwise we will see it for what it truly is and it will only make things worse.
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No therapist should be putting their personal 2 cents worth opinion in anyway. It’s just not allowed. The kids may be fine. Who knows. It can add unnecessary panic.
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I believe .. psychotherapy works on strategies with you whereas a psychologist lets you work it out for yourself.. Don’t quote me on that though.
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