So I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who has commented on my posts. You have all been very supportive and while I was very unsure about doing this it has helped me immensely, you and all your stories have helped immensely. Only time will really tell what lies ahead for me and my family but right now, at this moment, it looks promising.
I am lucky to have the wife that I do and I know I won’t take her for granted again. We talked last night for a long time about everything. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was unsure about whether or not to tell her that I think about the OW often, well she solved the problem for me. She brought it up in our conversation and told me how difficult it must be for me and that I must still constantly have her on my mind. I told her I that I did and I did not know how to handle it. I only have my therapist to discuss it with and that is not near frequent enough. Well she asked that I please talk to her about it. She would rather know what is in my head, even if it hurts and we both understand that we will still say and do things that are going to hurt each other in this healing process. It made me feel so at ease and I was able to talk to her about things.
I know she is in a different situation than most of you because she has never met or seen the OW. She was not someone we knew before all this happened so the amount of triggers that she has are not nearly as bad as they could be. For me on the other hand, I have triggers everywhere, from the clothes that I wear, to the music I listen to, to the activities I do for fun, all triggers and I am struggling to move past them.
We decided to try marriage counseling again but I am extremely leery because of the last 3 experiences I have had with them. In fact I am surprised I can even talk to my counselor because I am so private and so scared to reveal anything about myself. I am one of the most private people you would ever meet, but you would never know it. Especially because of the line of work that I am in. I am constantly involved with people and get to know most of them quite well but I am very good at hiding who I am and what my past looks like. This is one reason I think this blog helps so much because I can say things without revealing too much about myself. I am in control (or so I believe).
Anyways, before I got sidetracked, we are going to start marriage counseling and I am not sure how to find one that I will even talk to or open up to at all. I know it won’t work if I don’t participate, but I cannot get past it. It took my current therapist a long time before we could talk about anything personal and that was after I questioned him about a ton of things to see if I thought he would fit with me (luckily he passed). My wife is much more open and honest but I was brought up to hide and suppress everything. If you let it out it will be used against you. So she wants me to pick our therapist and I not sure how to do that. I am going to see if my therapist has any suggestions but I am very well-connected in this community and that is one of my issues. If there is anyway I think it can get to people I know then I won’t open up (hence the questioning) and then there is the judging issue. Our last one started out good but then became very judgmental of me, or at least I felt that way. She made some comments about me destroying my kids if I even thought about leaving my marriage and I would have to live with the guilt that I ruined them. That was my last straw with her and I stopped going anymore.
I just wish that I knew what the best thing was to do and who to turn to for help. Only I can control my future, but I think I have lost the steering wheel sometimes and I am flying out of control. It sure helps to have a copilot and I love having her. Now if we could just get a user manual (counselor) that isn’t in a foreign language then I feel we could right this ship for good. It will take some work and studying but if you don’t have the right manual you are going to struggle tremendously. If only life was that simple….
Only you can control your future – Dr. Seuss