And This Mess Is So Big And So Deep And So Tall, We Cannot Pick It Up. There Is No Way At All!…AMEN

Second post of the day.  I try not to do multiple posts as it can get tiresome to read the same people hundreds of times a day and I don’t want to be that person.  But after my day today, I just need to unload.

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. I did not have much to do during the day so I cleaned and moved stuff around.  Took my wife the kind of muffin she likes at work.  Things were going well, but I guess not really.

I have been saying how well my wife has been taking all of this and she seems to be the strong one in all this.  Well, I think that is starting to change.  Which means if I cannot pull my shit together quickly I am in for a long hurtful time.  She has not been very hard on me and pretty supportive of me trying to get help through therapy, and I her.  We have identified issues that we had been having before the affair and are making strides to correct those.

Well, the last two days I could tell she was off a little.  I am not sure if she picked up on it but I did but was hoping it was because her time off from surgery came to an end and she had to go back to work today.  After work she had her follow-up with her surgeon to make sure everything was going well.  I went with her and the appointment went very well.  As we were driving home I suggested that we drive thru somewhere and get some lunch.  She agreed and we headed to a close restaurant.

As I we were getting close she asked me if I thought the last 5 years of our marriage had been the worst.  I said I do think that they were, but why was she asking.  She was wondering if maybe that was the same time she started taking her antidepressant regularly.  She then asked if the first 5 were the best and again I agreed.  Then she said so then you have not been happy for the last 15 years.  Ughh..  Not exactly.  I said that (and we have had this conversation before but I don’t mind doing it again) about 15 years ago is when things began to go down hill.  It was slowly at first but by the last 2 or 3 there were more bad times than good.  So I was not unhappy for 15 years but I also was not happy either.

I told her that I thought we both have been struggling to make the other person happy and forgetting about ourselves in the process.  We need to concentrate on ourselves so we can be strong enough to make the other person happy.

Then shit got real….

She told me that she does not think that she can ever live up to what I want.  She will never be able to give me the highs I experienced with the OW.  She told me that she knew that if you never tasted a red popsicle and then one day you did and liked it, it may be all you want after that.  And no matter how many green popsicles you eat they will never be as good as the red.  She thinks that I may need to leave in order for me to truly be happy.  To get what it is that I am searching for.  And then she kicked me in the balls.  Okay, not really but it felt the same.

I just sat there for a moment and then told her that I was not looking for what I had with the OW.  And to be perfectly honest I have had the same highs I had with the OW with her (my wife) since I broke it off with the OW.  I said I am not looking for all the sex and things like that, I just want the attention, to feel like someone cares for me and desires me.  When my wife gives me this I feel special and that is the high I am looking for.  Is there different emotions while having an affair?  Yes, because you have the excitement/fear of being caught that heightens everything, but that is not what I want because with it comes the lies, denial, and deceit. I do not want those things again.  I want my wife to desire me and show me that she does.

I told her that yes, some of what I want from her is sex, but it is also feeling desired.  When she initiates and does little things for me during the day that let me know she is thinking of me then I get those feelings.  She told me she wants to do those things and she just waits for me to call or text or come home.  This is when I said that is the problem, you are waiting on me and I want you to do it if you want to.

She then told me that she does not know if she can do it.  She does not think she can ever let me in again.  That she can never be vulnerable and open her heart to me.  She had tears streaming down her face, as did I, as we sat in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant.  She told me that this whole time it has felt like she is outside her body and that all this is happening to someone else and she is just watching.  She is not feeling any of it.

To me this explains why she was able to move past it so quickly, because she is not past it she has blocked it and herself off.  I understood.  I have been in a place where I have needed to do that, but hearing that I did that too her hurt me so deeply.  I was the one responsible for all this destruction and heart ache.

I told her that I did understand and that I thought she had not let it out yet.  She has hardly got upset about this and shown little anger so now I know why.  I am sure it is coming and I told her it was going to.  She should not hold it in, instead she needs to vent it at me.  She needs to yell and scream, cry and want to crawl into a ball and let the emotions run free.

She still does not think she can ever be what I want.  I told her that I need to show her that she is what I want and as bad as I feel about myself from the years in our marriage, I obviously was not much better.  I did not make her feel important, loved, desired, wanted, or needed.  If I would have then she may have felt more confident about herself and been more apt to return the feelings to me.

I tried and tried to reassure her that I am going to try to do what I can to restore what I can between us.  I know that I have killed who you are and the marriage we had.  I destroyed all self-confidence that she may have had and all because I was weak.  I had tears steaming down my face because of the hurt I could see in her.  The changes that she is required to make because of my actions.  I was not sobbing or ever crying so much as just letting them roll down my face as the realization that I may have lost her forever.

So now what?  I don’t know.  I am sure this will be a topic for both counseling sessions this week.  But I am terrified that I am going to lose her.  I am even more terrified that I already have lost her.

We were out of time and so we drove home.

I am lost and I can see the dark cloud coming.  I need an umbrella to keep it away just long enough for me to help her.  If I cannot, then I know what I have to do.  I will destroy these feelings.  I will bury them so deep that they will never surface again and then hopefully I can help her.

It is probably too late, but I will still try.  I am sure I will know in the next few days.  But I am dying inside, better yet I am throwing up walls faster than anyone can break them down.  I am going to create a fortress around my soul so no one sees who or what I am.  Then I do what I do best, I give them what they all are looking for while staying disconnected.

This post is longer than expected and I can only imagine how I am going to sleep tonight.  It sucks because I am out of alcohol.  I really need a drink and maybe 10.  And back I go… into the deep dark Dungeon where I can hide all the I want from all this mess.

Last thing, I am pretty sure my wife in now reading my blog regularly.  I told her she could and that still stands between us.  So if you are reading honey, welcome aboard.  I hope it does not hurt you reading it from this perspectives.  It all seems pretty hopless

And this mess is so big and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up. there is no way at all! – Dr. Seuss

`Uhggg….