I have decided that sleep is now only an option not a requirement. I cannot sleep more that 3 hours a night and I am not tired at all during the day. In fact, I get pretty wired around bed time and that keeps me up.
So I have been trying to decide if it is a bad thing not to sleep. There is definitely a down side. I have too much time on my hands to think and write and clean and just be my normal OCD self. I have found a way that I can sleep and sleep soundly for 6 hours at least that does not involve drugs or alcohol, however, it is a tough thing to do at times.
Now I am going to give you another part of my story so it can bring the haters out of the woodwork. Feel free to comment away about my idiocy.
Last time I left off, I had D-Day 1 and had lied about the nature of our relationship. I down played it as made it sound like it was just a few times and there really wasn’t an emotional connection. I never really broke off communication but the nature of it changed. We were no longer talking about how great we were together and the small possibility of a future. No, we started talking about problems, hers and mine. This was about the time I really made her understand that if I did leave my wife that I was not running into her arms. I would move by myself and get myself in order before I moved to anything new. I also explained that if we did end up together that she would have to make some changes, but I refused to elaborate. I mentioned this in the last post.
Besides our communication changing so did our physical relationship. We had slowed down and were not meeting as often. I played this off as I was too busy to make it down there very often. I don’t even know how many times we met after D-Day 1 but it wasn’t very many. Even when we were together it was different.
I also had begun counseling and even though I refused to believe it, I had been depressed for quite sometime. I finally met with a psych and he began me on my current groups of medicines. He was quite worried about my sleep issues as I was not sleeping more than 3 hours a night and often times I would not sleep at all. This still has not changed much. he also was concerned that I only eat once a day or not at all. Both these cycles still have not changed.
I mentioned Thanksgiving and how we did not do any of our normal activities. I actually met with my counselor the day after. Now I already cannot stand the holiday seasons but being depressed and dealing with my issues did not help in the least. My wife and I would trade days where we would not get out of bed. It was one of the lowest points in my life. We normally would have done our Christmas shopping but neither of us had the energy.
As Christmas approached nothing seemed to get better. I had seen the OW a time or two but hardly at all. I don’t even remember if I bought her a Christmas present. Eventually my wife and I ordered presents for our kids off the internet and Christmas came. I have a lot of family issues with Christmas and this just made them worse. I am pretty sure if I would have had any suicidal tendencies I would have been done on Christmas. Instead I faked the happiness for my kids. We did our usual routines and went about our business as if nothing had happened. We made it a happy occasion for our kids.
Three days after Christmas I had a work trip down in Florida. Originally the idea was to take everyone with me but that had since changed. My wife and I were now talking a lot. I had not completely decided to stay, but I was much farther from 95%. It had dropped to a 75% possibility of me leaving. I started to see how much my wife really did love me, but I was terrified it was temporary because of the situation. Before I left on my trip she asked me if I was taking the OW with me. I honestly said no. We had made ZERO plans for her to come to Florida. I promised her this was the case and it was. I know she did not really believe me and I understood why. I was supposed to be there until the 3rd of Jan but my only friend who had moved away was getting married on the 3rd and I was in his wedding party so I had to come back a day early. My wife had been working on herself for this wedding. She had lost between 50 and 60 pounds and weighed less than she did when she graduated HS. She bought herself a new dress for it and she would not let me see her in it until that night. The anticipation was great.
Well here is where it kind of gets bad. I get to Florida and my condo that I am staying in has virtually no cell service. I have to walk half a mile you to call people. I had internet but nothing else. This made it very difficult to constantly keep in contact with my wife. The OW on the other hand was easy as our main line of communication had been over the internet. So on the 29th we were talking quite a bit about our future. We probably talked for about 3 hours and in that time we both decided the best thing to do was to stop seeing each other and stop all contact. We both thought it was best. Then we started talking about the things we will miss, but we knew it was for the best to end it until I left my wife. Or if I stayed we could be done completely.
At this time she asked what my work schedule was like for the rest of my trip. It was pretty light as I only had a meeting a day. Then she said she had purchased a ticket and was coming down. I almost threw up. I did not really know what to do. She asked if I could pick her up at the airport the next morning. We talked over and over about it but in the end I made a huge mistake and agreed to get her and let her stay with me.
The next morning I got her from the airport and although I did not realize it at the time, this was her final push to keep me. I am going to leave the details out but we did enjoy our time. New years eve we went out while my wife stayed home alone. Even the kids had gone to their friends house so she was utterly alone.
The OW flew out the the same day I did but much earlier. I dropped her off at the airport and went to my last meeting and then got on my flight home. I was still kind of in shock. My wife had asked me if she was coming and I never thought she would, but she did and I let her stay. My wife picked me up at the airport and we went straight to the hotel we booked for the night and went to bed.
The next day I had wedding duties all day long and she was meeting up with me at the wedding later that night. She got herself all dressed up and put on her new dress. When I saw her that night I could not believe how beautiful she looked. I told her over and over during the night. It was also this night that I decided to stay and really put in the effort to try and heal my marriage. It came as I was listening to the ceremony and I don’t remember what it was that was said but I felt like it was directed at me. I looked over at her and saw her beautiful face and knew I needed to try. I also drank the most I have ever drank in my life. Every time my hand was empty someone handed me another glass of champagne or another drink to toast with. It was also the first “real” wedding I had been to since mine.
I really enjoyed myself and I enjoyed having her with me. I changed a lot that night but I still needed a lot more. The OW and I were still in contact, but only every couple of days and we did not see each other. I think we both knew it was over but did not know how to close off the relationship. Things with my wife were getting better. I was trying to be more attentive, as was she, but I was still severely depressed. My meds were upped but I was still on the roller coaster and it was about to get so much worse.
It all began with a shoe on the wall. A shoe on the wall shouldn’t be there at all – Dr. Seuss