I was able to not post to this blog yesterday. That is not my goal, but after the two previous posts and the amount of comments I got, I needed a break. Plus, I spent a ton of time responding, but it was all very worth it. There were some fun philosophical conversations. I just want to clarify a couple of things.
1. Most of my posts are what is going on in my head. I don’t know if it is the same for everyone else but 95% of what is going on in the mass between my ears never sees the light of day. But recently it feels a pressing need to escape. So I write my thoughts on here. Do I act upon them? Not usually. But the better thing about this process is that after I write it all down and I have given it some structure I can often see the value, or lack there of, in what I was thinking. Then I decide if I need to act, ponder, or stick my head in the sand. Other posts are how I am coping with those things I cannot get out of my head, but I am very good at making this an internal battle until I can get to a safe place. For example, when I drink and take my medications I make sure my kids are already in bed and I don’t have to go anywhere and I am usually trying to go to bed. Not always (depends on how bad it is), but normally I am pretty safe about it. I put a ton of things out here that I cannot get my head around and then hearing all your different perspectives really helps me figure things out. It can also help me with conversations with my wife that are healing.
2. The post from Saturday explaining how I view myself in this universe (my universe) can be taken may different ways. Briefly, what I meant by my post was that everything I do and say affects people/things whether I want it to or not. So I am in control of myself and hopefully I can make those moments positive. Anything that I do not know about, doesn’t exist because I am not interacting with it. So, every moment, you are creating an effect on everything around you. So think about what you want that effect to be. I am pretty selfless in most of my life (I said mostly), because I want the effect I have on these people to be positive. In a way you could look at it like “paying it forward”. Can I decide how I perceive the interactions with things or people? I can and then I can try and cast things in a more positive light (silver lining). It is all about perception. Do other people have their own universe where everything is revolving around them? Yes, they do. So is it egotistical? Just as I said, it is all about perception.
So now onto the real world. The one of the biggest reason I believe I am struggling with this whole process/situation is because I have prided myself in the control I had over my thoughts and feelings. I could convince my body and mind to do what ever I needed at the time. When I used to run track I would do distance events. I could convince myself I was not tired. I could convince myself that I could go just a little faster. I could convince myself that nothing is impossible if I put my mind to it. I was extremely good because of this control. I love puzzles and challenging tasks because I like to figure them out. Most relationships I view this way. They are just a big puzzle, and one I continually struggle solving. I thought I had it perfected, but then one piece was wrong which shifted tons more out of place and now I am trying to figure out how to fix it all. And not doing so hot right now.
I am in such new territory that I do not know how to handle it. It maybe why so many things trigger emotions I am not ready for and am not ready to control. I do not know if others in my position have triggers like this, but I don’t know how to handle it. One of the biggest reason is, I have no idea what most triggers are and I also do not know what emotions will come from it. The emotions may change with the same trigger which also makes it difficult. I don’t know how to control these emotions when I don’t know which is coming. I know a lot of you are shaking your heads right now and saying stop trying to control the emotions and just let them through and feel them. It will help with the process of healing. Well, that seems easier said than done. I don’t know how to just let them go. My strategy is more like a hunting animals for a zoo. I find the emotion, catch it, cage it up and put it in a zoo to be looked at. Then if something similar pops up I can look at the one in my zoo and remember how to control it and add this one to my collection.
If I just let the emotion run wild I have no idea what could happen and that scares the living shit out of me. I have been in two bad fights (both with family members) that they pushed me so far I just snapped. It went all black once I snapped and I didn’t remember much of anything until a few days later, but let’s just say they never pushed me like that again. So what if I let these emotions go and I cannot control the response. What if the response is negative? What if it is violent? What if it throws me back into that deep well I am trying to climb out of? If I can keep them down and patch up the things around me then there would be no need to chance letting all that out. Too me that seems the safest approach. But then again I am not the professional.
Positive note – I have spent little time this weekend thinking or remembering or wondering about the OW, even with my wife gone and we were not on the best of terms. No instead I was focused on us and out problems and me and my problems. Progress? I hope so.
You never know the value of a moment until it is a memory. – Dr. Seuss