Well, I think that life has decided to toy with me a bit. It lets things get good only to bash me when I am not looking. I have got pretty good at looking out for the blows life is raining down on me and luckily I have avoided them.
So yesterday was another long day with little contact. I really did not see her for more than 20 min until 10pm. So it was a rather long and lonely day. We still talked but it just isn’t the same. The best part of the whole day was while we were in bed I pulled up my blog and asked her to read the last two days worth of posts. Did I really want her to read them? I am not sure. These are my personal thoughts and I don’t consider how she will perceive them because I don’t want to filter them. I was a little worried but had her read them anyways. I mean I am trying to be more open and vulnerable, right? Well, she really liked the two posts. She had a couple questions but she was surprised about how much I write about her. She often thinks I am only on here to talk about the affair and the OW. In the end she really liked reading it.
Today I had to get all the kids off to school and then take my wife in for surgery. She was have a minor procedure “if there is such a thing in surgery”. It went very well but it means she will be out of commission for while. So I will take care of her and the kids as well. Then I had a bunch of “emergencies” pop up at work. It was just a long day.
What made it worse was my intense nervousness about her having surgery. I know it was very routine, but still made me worry. Then on top of that I started to get a migraine while I was waiting for her surgery to get done. I don’t know if any of you get migraine but they are the most fun things to have. Mine can come on very suddenly or they can start slowly and build up for days. I am not sure with is worse. This one just kept building up during the day today. I once had one for two weeks straight. They really suck.
The worst one I have had was a few years ago. On our anniversary my wife and I went to do a couple of fun things in the mountains and were about half way done when it hit full force. It began as a headache that stretched over a few weeks. I was constantly on something to keep it at bay but it never went away. As we climbed and climbed it got worse and worse that day and when we hit the top. I could barely see. All I could think about was not throwing up and not dying. When we got to the bottom I went to the car as fast as I could. I had to wrap my jacket around my head and even that did not help. Before we even made it out of the parking lot I was throwing up. Well I ended up in the ER where they gave me the best drugs ever. I also remember that they did not even make me fill out paperwork. They took me straight back and got working on me. Since then I have had them pretty regularly but have a few different medications to take to keep them at bay. Today I had to avoid those medicines until I got all the kids taken care of and my wife. Now I am just wanting to die.
In addition, her surgery was a huge trigger for me so I have been panicky all day. I could not stop shaking and was so high strung. She could tell even in her drugged emotional state. And I FAILED. She asked me if I was okay and instead of telling her how I feel I just said I was fine. Didn’t I just say I needed to be more open and vulnerable? Bloody hell. I lasted one day. I have since told her how I feel and apologized for not telling her but I did not want her to stress any more than she already is with the surgery. That was stupid because now she worried that I was not being open. What a lose, lose situation. I should have said that the surgery was a huge trigger because right after the OW and I broke it off she ended up in the hospital. I believe I wrote about it already. I felt insanely bad about not being able to be there for her. She did not really have anyone else that was going to be there for her and I felt like I should have been. No my wife is in the hospital and it all comes back to me.
Now I am sitting here in bed just trying not to fall asleep. So I am not even sure if I am rambling or not. I guess I need to look at this and say was today better than yesterday? NO. That means I already have two days that were not better than the one in front of it. Boy do I really have a lot of work to do. I have a bunch more to write but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I took too much medicine so I should sleep well. Good night everyone!
ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, ‘Act swiftly awesome pacyderm! – Dr Seuss
We all fall down, despite our best intentions. What is important is to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Every day is a new day, and a chance to try again.
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I think you’re being awful hard on yourself. Laying all your worries and concerns on your wife as soon as she got out of surgery wouldn’t have been appropriate. You waited until later to tell her. I don’t see how you failed. Also, migraines are awful things. You did the best you could under difficult circumstances. Cut yourself some slack.
I think you made the right temporary choice, letting her be calm until after the surgery, but next… you have to tell her exactly what you wrote would work.
I wanted to share with you this made me think about how my ex would always pretend everything was ok, put up a front, it made me feel I like I had no where soft to land, because he was so tough I had to be too. My current boyfriend straight up admits he is not perfect, and tells me all his mistakes, and we laugh and I can tell him too and that allows me to lower my guard and be soft and relax. Reading your posts helped me realize this – thanks.