Today is counseling day. Hooray….(in a very sarcastic tone). Things have been interesting since I posted yesterday. I got a lot of good news yesterday and I am not sure how to think about it. I am a little scared that it is all going to vanish and just be a long cruel joke.
Let’s start with the easy topic. I had mentioned a while ago that I helped oversee the merger of the company I currently work for and a much more organized one. I did this knowing full well I would be eliminating my job, but I also knew it was the right thing to do. Well I talked to the company that will be running the company a week or two ago about what they would want me to do. They gave me a brief description and told me what they were hoping for, but in the back of my head I knew they could not afford me, nor could I afford to take a pay cut. I would be better off to try and find something else, although that will be difficult as well. We decided not to talk about money or me even considering the position until we got some things squared away with all the other pieces of the company. They had to be in place before they could even make me an offer. Well they approached me yesterday and they told me that they knew how much I was making and that they are prepared to match it with the possibility of making more.
I was obviously surprised. We did not talk much more of it but they wanted me to understand their intentions so they can try and keep me here. I am not 100% sure I want to take it but if I do it will be a slightly different role than I have now(which I am not opposed to) but it offer more advancement opportunities. At the least it relieved some stress off of me because I now know that I can have a job if I want it here in this community and still be able to support my family. It is far from finalized but I am glad to know they consider me worth keeping.
The next news is somewhat bittersweet. It is in reference to my last post and finding out that the OW has a new boyfriend (it is official because it is on Facebook) already. It really bugged me because I guess I thought I meant more to her, but as I think about it, it really makes sense. She wanted something fun without the fear of commitment, even though she did say she wanted us to be a couple. Well, it bugged me all day and night. I felt stupid and gullible. It is the feeling you get when you buy a new car and then you find out you overpaid for it. It made me angry. We don’t need to go into detail about it because that was yesterday’s post and I got a lot of comments about it. I decided to talk to my wife about it and let her know that it bugged me and why it bugged me. She is the one who originally told me about it so she already knew about it, but now I had time to analyze it I was able to process how I really felt about it.
Last night as we were laying in bed she asked my what I thought of the OW. I told her how funny it was that she asked that. I told her how I felt about it all. I told her that I was surprised and angry about it. I was angry with myself for being stupid and falling for whatever it was that I thought we had. I told her I went on to her Facebook page and saw the guy. In one sense I was relieved because now I know she won’t try and pop back up as she has someone else to focus on. Yet another part of me did feel like there was a hole there. It was the place where I could share my feelings. I then asked her if she could fill that hole. I wanted her to be the one I talk to and share things with. I miss who we were so long ago. I know we can’t get that back but maybe, just maybe we can find some place that is different but will make us both happy and secure with each other. I know it will take time and I am willing to work on it. She asked to see my phone, which I thought was odd but I handed it over. She then opened up Facebook and pulled up her page. She then blocked her. It actually felt good that she did that.
For a long time I have told both my wife and my counselor that I have not regretted my relationship with the OW (I know people will not like this but it how I felt). What I did regret was how it came about. I should have been strong enough to end things with my wife before I ever engaged in another relationship. I no longer feel that way. I am pretty bitter about it today and I regret pretty much every part of that relationship. I said before that I felt like she played me and maybe she did or maybe she was genuine but in the end it really doesn’t matter. I was the one who cheated. I was still the one that had to make that decision. I am the one who with have to work hard to rebuild the trust I lost with my wife.
We talked for a long time about a lot of different things and all of them seemed positive even if they were difficult topics for both of us. So I am just starting to see a little light in my dark hole. I know I have a long way to go and we will still have bumps along the way. I am going to try and be there for her. I am going to constantly remind her when she tries to blame herself that it was never her fault. I am going to remind her that I love her and that I want her with me. I am going to make her feel special, not with gifts or huge gestures but in all the everyday things that she does for me and the family. I want her to feel valued and wanted by me. I have told her that while I screwed up I still chose her. Now I have to be able to show her that I really meant it.
I feel so lucky to have the wife that I do and it really eats at me because of the way I treated her. I am lucky that she is still here. I am lucky that she hasn’t smothered me in my sleep. I am lucky that she chose me, even after all the pain I caused her and that in itself is a miracle. I am lucky that I have someone who will still listen even if sometimes my words hurt. Now I have to show her that I am all those things for her.
Today I feel better than I have in weeks, but I also have a large amount of anger built up. It is troublesome for me, but I would rather take this and keep my wife than not have it and be without her. The grass may look greener on the other-side but once you are there you see it was just a shiny green pit of alligators. I like what I have here, but I plan on making it better. We are far from healed, and may be as far or farther away than I am, but for the first time in a long time I feel there is a little ray of hope.
And here ends today’s portion of my soap opera of a life that I live. Hopefully I still feel this good in two hours after therapy.
t’s a troublesome world. All the people who’re in it are troubled with troubles almost every minute. You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot,for the places and people you’re lucky you’re not.
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
The grass is greener where you water it. Sounds like some good progress. There will still be ups and downs. Its a roller coaster for sure. But living in honesty will serve you both well. Good luck at therapy. I used to hate it too. I’m a stubborn, private person. I didn’t want someone in my business, let alone telling me things I about myself that I didn’t want to hear. Now I look forward to it. It has served as a lifeline for me at times. I’ve grown so much from going to therapy. And actually applying what I’ve learned. Its a choice to make changes in your life.
Congrats on the job situation too. Take this day and the blessings in it and enjoy them.
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Thank you. I just hope I get more ups than downs but only time will tell.
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In the early days after my own confession, we had talks such as these. I find, they drew me closer to my husband despite the content which we spoke about. And often times, that brought glimmers of calm into what felt like turbulent waters. I will say, you will have many more moments like these where you feel more centered, where your communication binds you back to your wife etc. don’t be surprised to also have many moments where you take steps back. That is part of the process and part of the journey. It’s completely normal. Eventually you will step back and see that your overall trajectory is moving in the right direction. Just keep doing what you are both doing. This isn’t a race but a marathon for your marriage.
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Your post sounds very positive. Good for you. Maybe the news about your job was a turning point for you. Well done.
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This post is much more positive! I’m very glad 🙂
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You get it!
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The easy moving on by HER is incredibly helpful. Ours didn’t, I was “lucky” though in that Roger had already realised she was a conniving bitch and sacked her before I ever knew anything. But the grieving for the AP is normal, even if we betrayed HATE IT SO MUCH! He was pretty good, he was angry with her, but felt he couldn’t express it as it felt like pushing responsibility for his actions onto her, and he, like you, owned his shit 100%. Women who knowingly enter into relationships with married, or partnered men – and men who do so with married/taken women – have no moral compass. I am no prude, and I hesitate to use the word “moral” – it feels like a judgemental word – but judgement is not always a pious, or bad thing. I learned a rule as a young child that I thought every “decent” person on the planet knew – don’t get involved with those who are not available, and don’t get involved with anyone else if YOU are not available. Be a human being, deal with your shit before dragging everyone else through it – backwards, then rolling them in it!
So glad you have some employment options opening up – that stress is far more difficult to deal with than you realise, and it impacts on everything else, tenfold.
The first year or two of this hideous journey are definitely a roller coaster ride – you take a step forward, and a few back, constantly. I recall one counsellor drawing a picture of a stick figure walking along, thinking they were doing well, then falling into a pit, climbing out, thinking, “yuss, nailed it, got out of the WORST place,” only to fall in another, even deeper one a bit further along the path. This made me laugh inside, hell, I had attempted suicide by this stage, how deep could another pit possibly be??? But it happened, again and again. The pits got more spaced out, but they didn’t go away, and try as we might, I couldn’t seem to avoid falling into them, even with them in full sight. It is the hardest fight I have ever fought in my 47 years on the planet. But you are moving in the right direction. Your wife has done what many do, being pretty good (considering) about it all to start with. Then the reality, the foreverness of what you did hits, and it hits hard, and it doesn’t stop hitting. You fall. And you fall hard and exceptionally painfully. But you pick each other up, holding each other close, and you limp on xxx.
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This really helps me put things into perspective and what to look for in the future. I want to be there for her and if she falls I want to be there to help her or us out of the pit. Thanks.
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It’s a two-way street. Mutual love and support. I know it is very difficult for you to see this fully as with her depression you have taken on the role of carer – you have had to, she’s ill. Some good, specialised counselling to help with that dynamic should help. Depression is incredibly difficult for both parties to deal with. There is so much guilt felt by the depressed party, you HATE to be such a downer, so draining. Guilt is also a big factor in the spouse of a depressed person, “did I cause this?” even when you know that’s not how it works. Throw in an affair, and you have a delicious shit stew, compounding all the awfulness. I found ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) the only thing that made any kind of sense to me. Realising you can never take the huge pile of crap out of your life, instead trying to live around it, packing small, mindful “happies” around it. That said, it is kinda like rolling a turd in glitter, lol! Keep at it x
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Well done. Keep communicating and keep letting her see that you love her and want her. Jules
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Just remember your insights today, your feelings, and why you choose to commit. Go over them everyday. No one goes into marriage thinking of affairs and divorce. They made that commitment out of love. But it’s so easy over time to let “life” make us forget how we felt that day, and why we made that commitment. Or rather, we let life be a justification for us to change our minds and break our promises. So this time, trust yourself, and trust the decision you’ve made to commit today – and hold on to that.
As for the future, no one knows what will happen, and everyone will have a different journey. Just continue to work everyday to create a future you can be proud of, and be happy in… and the rest, you just got to have faith and see what happens.
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I am really glad you are doing well.
I just have to tell you I am very disappointed that you approved of comments made by someone that you must know stalks people’s (myself included) blogs and spreads hate and bitterness, not love or compassion. Funny maybe you are exempt cause you are a man? I don’t know but I do know that when you “like” comments by haters, it only makes them more zealous . Good luck on your journey.
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Please tell me which ones you are talking about. If you don’t feel comfortable replying I will gladly send you my email. I do not want to come off like I am supportive of our circumstances or anyone who approves of this type of lifestyle. I do understand the draw though and I guess I use the like button to say that I understand, not so much that I agree with the position.
Now that I write it out, I sound lame and I do apologize. I am new to all of this. I don’t even use facebook or any social media so I might not have got all the “Net Manners” I need.
I will be more careful what I “like” versus comment.
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NEPHILA April 13, 2015 at 6:22 am REPLY
Smart consequences thats what she needs. Give yourself time. One day you will have your chance.
Paul’s OW wouldn’t let go. She still stalks us occasionally. She is too cowardly to write to me but she tries to manipulate others about us both. The funny thing is every time she does that there is another person told the whole story who ends up hating her. And she wonders why her career is stalled. It is hilarious.
She who laughs last laughs longest.
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BigEyes82, bac4sccr, horsecumin & angrywifeletters
Believe me, I wasn’t looking for it. I was catching up on blog reading and I’m a speed reader lol. Since she has begun attacking me on my blog the past few days, of course HER name jumped out at me.
I appreciate the explanation and totally understand as I am a newbie here myself. That’s why I commented rather than just write you off entirely, which of course did cross my mind lol.
I truly respect everyone’s right to their beliefs and opinions and it is one of the things I like most about our country. That each of us HAS the right to our own free speech.
But I have blacklisted her and do not plan to interact with anyone that gives her even the slightest indication that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Attacking strangers and considering yourself a crusader for ALL betrayed spouses is indicative of a personality disorder. Keeping your own blog private while continuing these attacks is cowardly and denotes control issues.
She brought her crazy to my door and attacked me because I had an affair. Ironically, I was a betrayed spouse way before I cheated. . I hope you understand. Thanks
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I do understand and thank you for letting me try and explain. I will definitely be more careful in how I am choosing to respond.
It is a different reality that we live in. Our view of the world is forever changed and there is nothing we can do to change it back. I am just hoping for a clearer view so I can begin to understand what is around me. Reading these blogs from every perspective helps me process but I do not want to do it at the cost of someone else. So again, thank you for letting me explain.
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Oh I agree 100%! I have developed friendships (as much as you can online and on a blog of course lol) with more than a few betrayed wives. 7 years ago my H had a 4 month affair. He ended it and she called me to tell me. So unfortunately I have been on that roller coaster ride from hell. My Mom was dying and other than losing her, it was the worst thing that had ever happened . But while I was not a fan of this woman or the fact that this was her 3rd affair, SHE wasn’t the problem. My husband was. I was angry, hurt and full of rage at him. She was nothing, less than nothing to me. I was fortunate enough that other than a few attempts at contact, she moved away and went on with her life, She also told me that while she loved my husband very much, and she believed he did care for her, he never said I love you or that he would leave. I was heartbroken but appreciated her honesty. I didn’t have to deal with the added bonus of psycho stalkers that some have encountered. I wasn’t sure I could stay but he begged me and became completely transparent. He also answered the 1000s of questions I had and held me through the heartbreak and the rage. I didn’t want to know the sordid details, but I needed to. It was far less destructive than the scenarios I conjured from my imagination.
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My ex husband cheated on me when I was 5months pregnant with my son who is 1 this time. He said he wanted a divorce because he no longer wanted to be a dad. Later I found out because he had a different woman. He came back and forth a lot till I realized a was worth more. Recently he came back I said no I informed he’s girlfriend at the same time she’s the one he left for I felt bad for her so I let her know what was going on. She didn’t believe me. So I look like the crazy one lol it’s ok I know where I stand and what kind of man she has. Your very lucky your wife is working it out with you some woman can’t work on things like that. I hope your treating well with absolute love and respect. Take it day by day. Each day as a new one. Best wishes
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Thanks and good luck to you. I feel for you because your world is changing twice, once with the loss of him (although is sounds for the better) and then with your new child. I will be pulling for you.
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Thank you. My pregnancy was difficult. The last four months where hectic. Then he came into my life my baby boy. It has been a roller coaster. Custody battle etc. I find myself doing way better than a year ago. Some days I do feel anxiety however I pray and look at the good in life. My thoughts like one of your other posts says sometimes take over. Day by day.
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I just have to say that am impressed that you are able to handle all the outsider comments. The ability to read them. This would angst me up. Well done to you.
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Congrats! Sounds like big movement!
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