Book of Life

I must be losing it.  I was going to write something catchy with this title as it has been some time since I have written anything.  However, everything I came up with was too long for a title.  Instead, I am leaving the quote as it is.

I have written a lot in the past, but not much recently.  I still read and comment but I just cannot write.  Mostly I am avoiding writing because of the repercussions it seems to cause in my personal life, but tonight, as I have not been sleeping much, I just decided to write.  I am sure it will turn out to be a bad decision, but …

I still am not sure what I am writing about.  I have a billion things going on in my head that are just dying to get out.  I also have the drafts that I have piled up, writing I have done and then decide just not to post.  I could always just put one of those up, but really I don’t think that will work.  It won’t get what is inside of me out.  I feel like I have something in me – crawling, worming away inside, just begging to get out.  I just have no outlet for it.

I have had a lot of things lately bring back up all the things I have done.  People love to call them triggers.  For me, I call them reminders of who and what I am.  I have been listening to music as I often do, and as I mentioned before, I don’t really hear lyrics very well, but for some reason certain ones will just jump out at me.  It can be songs I have listened to 1000 times before and then all of a sudden – WHAM – I get the lyrics.  Lately, it seems the songs have all be about people cheating or being cheated on or propositioned to cheat.  Or things even worse.  Every time I hear one of these songs I feel a little piece of me die inside.  It seems that there isn’t much left in there as I seem to only feel those pieces die.

I hate censoring what I have to write but I do it now.  I write, think about what may happen if it is read and then erase it.  It makes the cathartic part of writing non-existent.  I can’t write what I want and so everything stays bottled up.  Which I then swallow, internalize and then bury somewhere deep deep down inside me.

You will have to handle my ramblings for tonight as I know I am bouncing all over the place.

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and the never ending list of people looking for answers and support because of an affair never seems to end.  I write a few, but most of the time I just read it and know that they have a long road ahead of them.  It doesn’t matter whether they are staying together or not, it is a lot of pain and suffering.  And it affects everyone involved.  I wish I was a beacon of hope that says, “Hey look!  Everything will work out in the end.  You will all magically be better in the end.”  I am not that beacon.  I feel more like the car accident you see coming and you cannot do anything but sit there and watch.  Time seems to slow down and you think if only they would swerve right everything will be okay but you see me frozen with fear staring straight ahead.  Hell, my hands are probably covering my eyes at this point.  Who knows, maybe at the very end I will swerve and all will be well, but I would hold my breath if I were you.  Are we better than before, Yes. BUT it has been a long road and I still feel like I /we are on a freaking roller coaster.  As we go up and feel good, I feel the drop just waiting to happen.  I don’t think she feels like this, at least not to this degree, but I cannot shake it.

I am going to leave you with one of those songs I cannot get out of my head.

Owl City – This Isn’t The End


“In the Book of Life, The answers aren’t in the back.”
― Charles M. Schulz


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