If you want to start at the beginning just go here
I am just a run of the mill, everyday father/husband who has made a huge mistake and I am just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn’t an “Easy” button or a “Reset” button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
Thanx for your blog. I look forward to reading it all to get a perspective of the other side. Normally I would shutter at such a thought but it seems you are genuinely remorseful. I’m also not so innocent myself as I had a revenge affair (haven’t written about it yet) because I thought it was the only way to get my husband to understand my pain.
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Thanks for writing. I’ve never had an affair, and know that I would never let myself. My take – the only way to prevent it is to not put yourself in situations where it could happen. That said, I understand a lot of the feelings and emotions that lead to it. I know all to well how it feels to have a marriage where you question if your wife feels anything for you, where things have deteriorated to the point that it feels like you are roommates who co-parent, and nothing more.
It’s been so long I’m not sure if I even remember what it feels like to be desired. To look at my wife and see that look returned. To know that she is still interested in *ME*, and not just the life that I provide. She’s still at my side, but is that because it’s something she wants? Or just something she has resigned herself to? I don’t want to be the guy she’s “settling for” (after 17 years and 2 kids) if her heart is really somewhere else.
I know you found my site, thanks for following. I’m not sure how much you read, but I hope you have picked up on the fact that I remain an optimist. I still believe in love, and believe that it just requires people to put in the effort and they can always rebuild/reconnect, no matter how bad things have gotten.
Perhaps that’s just the optimist in me. But if I ever stop believing that, then I don’t have much to hold onto. Belief keeps me going when times aren’t always easy.
In any case, I have a question for you…
I write on a number of topics on or around relationships. I have actually been working on a post where I want to say that affairs aren’t about the sex. They are about wanting to feel valued, needed and appreciated again. My belief is that most people who have affairs truly wish that they could have those feelings again from their partner/spouse, but after time they give up hope, and start looking elsewhere.
Your site seems to back that up, and I’m wondering if I can use some quotes from your site (properly credited with links of course). I’ve been blogging for a while, and do it for me, and to work through my own relationship issues in my head. I have a small following, and suspect that some of my readers would be interested in your site.
Drop me a line at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com and let me know what you think.
Drew
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You know what, it is really nice reading about things from your pespective, and I really feel for you. We all make mistakes… You somehow have to forgive yourself.
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Thank you. It is pretty hard when you can’t really figure who I was then that made me do it. It is like looking back and it was me but not me. Frustrating!
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Hi! Thank you for following me. I am happy to read your blog about your perspective and journey as well. Will be following. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic as I’m sure it will inspire many people who have gone through similar experiences (including myself) but feel too much shame to share or are being shamed for sharing. Shame is destructive. God bless you.
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Thank you. I agree the shame is so difficult to get over as well as the guilt.
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Thank you for writing your blog, I look forward to reading all extracts. Everything’s still so fresh with my break-up/divorce so it will be good to read the other side and understand how it could happen! Thanks again
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I think it was Hume who expressed that it is fatuous to expect reason to be able to overcome sentiment…and we humans are sentimental beings, are we not? If you can empathize with one whose sentiments have been ravaged by emotionally disturbing events, you may find no other counsel necessary…
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so beautfully put . x
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🙂 Kind of you.
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your very welcome x
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Hi friend!
thanks for following my blog, get connected with it and at the same time for writing yours too. I think you have one of the earnest blog here on wordpress. It feels nice to read the work of one who writes from heart and you are one of them. finding and accepting our mistakes is the greatest healer on our wounds. and it takes two to make a quarrel. always. no we shouldn’t be blaming 100% ourselves only! 🙂 anyway, keep writing, you write great.
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Hi and thanks for the follow on my blog 🙂 I hope you can find something interesting to read there among all the pagan, witchy and tarot stuff. I’ve read some of what you have written and there is a lot of interesting things. As someone who has lived with a cheater it’s interesting to read a perspective from the other point of view.
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Thanks. Well I never thought I would ever cheat let alone write about it. It is not something I would recommend.
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I don’t recommend it either, it’s way to much hurting and trust lost for all of those involved. But it seems you have learnt from it, and probably won’t do it again and I will never do it to anyone because I know how much pain it caused me to be cheated by someone I loved very much.
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Thanks for connecting with me via my blog. I understand where you’re coming from in some aspects. Sadly, my relationship was so mutually destructive that there wasn’t much to save when it all blew up.
We’re all a lot the same. Blessings.
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Hi I have nominated your for the quote challenge, you can find more info here https://forgottenwifey.wordpress.com/2015/07/05/quote-a-day-challenge/
have fun
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Oh boy, I will see if I am up for the challenge. Thank you for the nomination.
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I am interested in this blog, I would like to hear from the other side, like a lot of your commenters here. Cheating is such a base betrayal, I don’t think I can ever forgive and forget… I know we are supposed to forgive and forget for our own well being, not to condone what the other (or our selves) has/have done but it is still so hard. Wish I was a better person then maybe I could do it.. Nevertheless, I find your blog very interesting and heart felt, maybe it will help me too , in the long run. Much peace and light to you. Michelle
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One theme I have found from the comments I receive is that while you forgive, forgetting is not normally on the table. You will always remember but slowly and slowly it had less importance. It becomes a quick fleeting thought instead of making you have a total break down. You will always have bad days but less and less will be because of the affair. The biggest choice you have to make in your healing process is whether you want to focus on healing yourself, your marriage and each other OR you work on yourself as you go at it alone. Both have benifits and drawbacks you just have to decide what is best for you.
It sucks because you had no choice in the affair but you do have a choice in the healing process.
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yes, you are right, we all have choices on how we handle everything. Thank you for your insight and I look forward to following your blog, wishing you well… Michelle
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Let me know if I can answer any specific questions. Hopefully I can help you in your healing process.
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Thank you, much appreciated 🙂
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No problem, good luck!
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Thank you for finding my blog and following. I agree there is always two sides to a story and I am one that admits.I was at fault as well. I follow in return
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Great blog. As a person who was betrayed, one of the biggest struggles I’ve had is just not quite understanding what happened or why my wife cheated. Perhaps I will never fully understand, but your writing gives me some perspective from the other side. Thank you.
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Being “on the other side” of an affair, I can relate so much to your posts. Thank you for sharing. This is already a tough road, and getting others perspectives is extremely helpful.
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Thanks for following my blog. My guess is that it will not be helpful for you. I am pretty much an unrepentant cheater and it looks like – after skimming just a few of your posts – that you are trying to fix things with your wife. Feel free to keep reading my blog, but you’ve been warned.
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Everyone has their own situations and their own set of problems. I am not here to judge, just read and understand different perspectives. So you never know how helpful your blog might be.
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Ok. I just wanted to warn you. A lot of people hit the “like” and “follow” buttons without really knowing the sort of blog they are liking or following. Anyway, I’d be eager to hear your thoughts, so please leave comments, etc!
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No problem.
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As you are one of the latest blogs I am following, please find a nomination for the Brotherhood of the World. I trust you will as much fun as I did, completing the five step program…hehe.
http://ahdad.com/2015/08/14/brotherhood-of-the-world-as-nominated-by-a-sister/
Great blog, keep it up.
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Where did your post “Can You Imagine” go? I got it in my email and I wanted to comment on how good it was and how scary it was at the same time. I wish I could give your dark side a hug…
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I posted it accidentally before it was finished. I am still unsure if I want to post it. It may go to the file with all my other unpublished posts.
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But thank you for your comment. It is scary.
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I’m glad I got to see it then… ❤ Thank you!
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Thanks for visiting and following in all women.
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You’re not alone. Although sometimes it feels like it for people like you and I
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It is like I am on a deserted island and the only one to talk to is the scarecrow I made from coconuts and palm leaves.
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there are others like us out there. But I get it. It’s hard when you stay after the affair. You forever wear the scarlet letter. I get it. I found my blog therapeutic if nothing else
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Hello 🙂 thank you for following my blog, I’m now following yours.
I hope your journey is going in the right direction and you are closer to being happy again, we all make mistakes and this is a very inspiring blog to read. x
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Thanks, I hope you are heading in the right direction as well.
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Its a long, painful time to endure but getting there 🙂 thank you.
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Thank you for following me – i do hope though that you do not blush …. too much. i am a girl – (47 to be precise). I have a theory. sometimes we love our other halves so much, but for one reason or another, we have lost them for a while – but it does not deminish our longing. Sometimes to be close to another is so important. Maybe not so much the love – but the bodily connection.
I have always told my lovers that this is the way i am. If you are thinking of having an affair…. there are rules.
1 . Never feel guilty – for if you feel guilt, you should not have done it. If you felt and got the release you needed – then i am glad.
2. Never bring me flowers or gifts because of your guilt – it brings the affair home and makes it my problem.
there are others …. but essentially – if you love me treat me always as if you love me – but keep me away from the guilt. It is not my problem and it will destroy us. I understand that you are a man and that you have needs that sometimes, i cannot fulfil. Think of it as a beautiful exhausting fulfilling game of tennis. Come home and hold me tight and love me dearly.
… But Dear Man , this is only me – and if you read my words, you will know that i am not quite the normal english rose i might appear to be…. but what i wrote – i truely believe and live by.
i so hope that you find your way – and that eventually you will forgive yourself, because it seems that you are a good and kind fellow who just made a detour in life -x
if you do ever want to talk to another with a totally totally different perspective on this – my email address is on my ‘about page’.
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Hi! Thanks a lot for the follow! Great blog! 🙂
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Thank you for following my blog which led me to yours. I’ve followed a number of blogs from the person who was cheated on and it’ll be interesting to hear it from your perspective. I look forward to reading your posts. Have a nice weekend!
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Thanks! Enjoy your weekend as well.
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Hi, thanks for finding me and following my blog, I find your blog very interesting and will certainly follow you on your journey, for the moment, there is one thing I can tell you, forgive yourself, because until you do that, you are blocking yourself, from yourself and from moving forward, this is very important for you, and although you feel you bad about this, you really do have to forgive yourself, your future life is important and you do have the power to forgive yourself,
Take care
Brooke
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This is my current disagreement with a host of people (wife, therapist, …) that I – 1. Don’t believe/understand/know forgiveness; and 2. Therefore I don’t need it.
While I need to move past all of this, which I am trying to do, I don’t need to tell myself that I am forgiven. I don’t even know what that would mean. Do I want to move forward and stop feeling like crap?
Absolutely, but until I really believe and can understand forgiveness then there is no use in trying to forgive myself.
I am trying to focus on just living one day at a time, putting one step in front of the other, and not obsessing on the past.
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The past has gone and we cannot change it, today is the now, and the future we do not know,I understand what you are saying, but this “forgiveness” is you feeling okay with yourself, your personal worth to yourself, that way you can move forward and take one step at a time and be and feel happy again with yourself first, you are first now. You are correct in focusing on now,today this will bring you results, take care
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I will have to think on that. I have not thought of forgiveness that way. If fact it has been something I really do not understand.
I am far from the things you describe but to be honest I don’t have any idea how to get there.
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Thank you for your kind follow of my poor poetry blog 😉 I will read yours with interest and I hope you can read more of mine.
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Unfortunately we all make mistakes and must learn to navigate our way back or forwards. Good luck.! Thank you for the blog follow also 🙂
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Glad you follow my blog – http://YourWellWisherProgram.wordpress.com
Your Well Wisher Program is No NGO setup, No big costs, No team formed, No copyright protected, No solution patented, individual effort in an – Attempt to solve commonly known problems.
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Your blog is first really positive step.
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Thanks for the follow!
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This is a good “about” page. This is a very important topic that touches so many relationships. We have been on the cheated on side and the wounds leave big ugly scars. As time moves forward those scars become badges of courage and strength to build upon. We know in our case it has allowed us to remember the importance of communication, even when it hurts.
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When are new posts???
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I have been taking a break but am looking at writing again. While writing is cathartic, it causes a new set of problems.
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Interesting blog… 🙂
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HI
Just to let you know, I have given you a shout out here https://itsgoodtobecrazysometimes.wordpress.com/2017/11/06/the-rare-links/
Hope you have a good week
Trina
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Hi, thank you for your follow, but wondering what it is about my blog you are interested in?
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I like to read blogs that are real people with real lives but can chronicle it in a way that makes you feel what they are going through. It is the whit and sarcasm and the way you write but also your positive look in things. I may be all doom and gloom but it doesn’t mean I don’t like to see the other side every once in a while.
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Hi there, thanks for following me, though I’m not sure what, if anything, you might gain from reading the adventures of non-monogamous, single parenting, mid-40’s fruitcake living in Scotland 🙂
Listen, I think sex is just sex. I think we beat ourselves up about sex way too much when we shouldn’t. If you’re faithful in every other way to you wife, then I don’t personally see what the problem with having sex with other people is. Other than that you run the risk of getting emotionally involved with them…which is an issue if you’re married, I guess.
Ugh, I’m not helping, am I?
Life is short. Be the best person you can be. Forgive yourself, work on yourself going forward and live to the full. You won’t be getting any do-overs.
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Quite powerful, and quite brave. I respect you for figuring this out, walking through it here, and keeping it real for others.
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Thank you for following my blog. I pray it encourages you in your journey to all God wants you to be. He alone brings newness of spirit, heart and mind.
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Hey! Thanks so much for sharing your story on this blog. I work in TV producing and am working on a new show about infidelity and cheating in relationships. I’d love to chat with you more to hear your thoughts and perhaps get some of your advice on how to reach out to folks to hear their stories.
Thanks so much, and hope to hear back!
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Would you like me to email you?
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Guilt. Shame. Necessity.
When we’re pushed to the brink, we’ll break or own rules. Cheaters are often seen as calculating narcissists. But there’s another group who aren’t looking to point score. They simply want to survive. They need to feel valued again. Their partners aren’t there for them in that way. For some unknown reason, sex is off-the-menu and has been for long while. In time, the problem grows, enough that the rules we set for ourself are challenged… and then broken.
Men are seen as the perpetrators of most affairs but women do it too. They’re less likely to tell anyone (sometimes keeping it from themselves), but they are out there… for the very same reason: They need to feel connected. It’s a simple human desire/need. Both sexes (and the 62 other sexual types now listed) have it. If the relationship doesn’t fall apart, an affair is likely to happen. Selfishness and narcissism play no roles in it. -M
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