I must be losing it. I was going to write something catchy with this title as it has been some time since I have written anything. However, everything I came up with was too long for a title. Instead, I am leaving the quote as it is.
I have written a lot in the past, but not much recently. I still read and comment but I just cannot write. Mostly I am avoiding writing because of the repercussions it seems to cause in my personal life, but tonight, as I have not been sleeping much, I just decided to write. I am sure it will turn out to be a bad decision, but …
I still am not sure what I am writing about. I have a billion things going on in my head that are just dying to get out. I also have the drafts that I have piled up, writing I have done and then decide just not to post. I could always just put one of those up, but really I don’t think that will work. It won’t get what is inside of me out. I feel like I have something in me – crawling, worming away inside, just begging to get out. I just have no outlet for it.
I have had a lot of things lately bring back up all the things I have done. People love to call them triggers. For me, I call them reminders of who and what I am. I have been listening to music as I often do, and as I mentioned before, I don’t really hear lyrics very well, but for some reason certain ones will just jump out at me. It can be songs I have listened to 1000 times before and then all of a sudden – WHAM – I get the lyrics. Lately, it seems the songs have all be about people cheating or being cheated on or propositioned to cheat. Or things even worse. Every time I hear one of these songs I feel a little piece of me die inside. It seems that there isn’t much left in there as I seem to only feel those pieces die.
I hate censoring what I have to write but I do it now. I write, think about what may happen if it is read and then erase it. It makes the cathartic part of writing non-existent. I can’t write what I want and so everything stays bottled up. Which I then swallow, internalize and then bury somewhere deep deep down inside me.
You will have to handle my ramblings for tonight as I know I am bouncing all over the place.
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and the never ending list of people looking for answers and support because of an affair never seems to end. I write a few, but most of the time I just read it and know that they have a long road ahead of them. It doesn’t matter whether they are staying together or not, it is a lot of pain and suffering. And it affects everyone involved. I wish I was a beacon of hope that says, “Hey look! Everything will work out in the end. You will all magically be better in the end.” I am not that beacon. I feel more like the car accident you see coming and you cannot do anything but sit there and watch. Time seems to slow down and you think if only they would swerve right everything will be okay but you see me frozen with fear staring straight ahead. Hell, my hands are probably covering my eyes at this point. Who knows, maybe at the very end I will swerve and all will be well, but I would hold my breath if I were you. Are we better than before, Yes. BUT it has been a long road and I still feel like I /we are on a freaking roller coaster. As we go up and feel good, I feel the drop just waiting to happen. I don’t think she feels like this, at least not to this degree, but I cannot shake it.
I am going to leave you with one of those songs I cannot get out of my head.
Owl City – This Isn’t The End
“In the Book of Life, The answers aren’t in the back.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
Rambles handled.
Good to see you post again.
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Yip I feel for all the good men out there that isn’t so good anymore, this is one “mistake” that will never go away unless the one on you’re side is equally joked then it can work …love you’re blog nice not to be alone.
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❤️
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I love Owl City!
These thoughts that you need to get down and the drafts…I think we all have those! Glad to see you writing!
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I’m glad you wrote. I ramble all the time to myself. I’m not even sure exactly what I want to wish you. There is so much left unsaid between your lines. We can be so very hard on ourselves. I hope that you will know there is much good in you and find music perhaps to help you recall it. Please take care 🌷
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Cheating is a tricky topic since you’re either the one who cheated, or you’re the one who was cheated on. Of course, some of us were cheaters in a previous life *raises hand*. And that experience…wrestling with how I thought that defined me was much more difficult than dealing with my husband’s affairs. It also makes me realize that where he is concerned, he doesn’t have the remorse or empathy necessary to even attempt rebuilding a relationship with me. Plus which, I allowed the vitriol of resentment to fester entirely too long.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that people do bad things but it isn’t necessarily who they are. It’s just difficult to see it any other way when you’re sorting through the fallout.
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And I have a hard time with this because we are all the sum of our behaviors. That is what really defines who we are. We could have all the good intentions but when it comes to action, that defines you.
It is like I tell our therapist that I am and will always be an adulterer because my actions defined me as such. It doesn’t mean I will do it again but because I have done it then I can’t change what it labels me.
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Or how we recover from the stupid sh*t we do and make amends with those we hurt (they don’t necessarily have to forgive us)…perhaps that’s a true measure of who we are? I say we, because dude, we’re human. I’m pretty sure falling flat on our faces is coded into our base DNA. And the best part? Most of the time, we do it do ourselves. 😉 My sense of humor may be a little wacked, you’ll have to forgive me.
I also encourage you to continue writing, but only if it helps YOU. Write in circles if you have to. Just get it out!
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We definitely do it to ourselves. Who needs enemies when we have ourselves to do the work for them.
For me, I have always tried to be better. I was told I was a piece of sh*t for as long as I can remember even though I was they only one bit doing the nefarious activities my siblings were doing. I wanted to be the only one who did not do those things and I cut all ties with them.
Now I feel like I let myself down so much by doing this that it is hard to not judge myself so harshly.
And your sense of humor is right up my alley. Don’t lose it or the world might become a serious place.
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It seems to me there are a lot of people out here in similar circumstance that derive much comfort and understanding from your words. I wish you wouldn’t bury them where they will fester and bloat. I hate the idea of you trying to contain it all. How do you build the internal reactor that sheds the heat and violence without consuming your soul as kindling?
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What soul? I believe I lost that long ago. It burned up with me feelings.
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This makes me so sad. I believe we all have a soul and we all can be forgiven
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Ps thanl you for the follow
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*thank
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Ahhh… The mythical forgiveness. I put it right up there with unicorns and leprechauns.
I know it is cynical but I don’t believe forgiveness ever can truly occur. What I did forever changed my wife, me, and our relationship. You don’t forgive that, accept it is different and try and move forward but never forgive.
Then again I did grow up in a very different way than most others. It may have skewed my perception just slightly as I know my wife cannot understand this viewpoint of mine either.
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My understanding of forgivesness comes from the Bible and is completely illogical and yet it happens…amazing. i understand your cynicism but hope you one day experience the grace of true forgiveness – your life will be forver changed
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Yes forgiveness is beautiful but it has a couple of layers . if he wasn’t forgiven for what he done he would not be with her any more so now the human part comes in …can we deel with the new information that is out there and most important what do we do with it
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Do you journal? I’m not in the same situation as you, but even in a relationship without the same background dynamics, I have learned it’s not always the best course for the relationship to air everything on the internet. (Sometimes even funny stories can be taken the wrong way.) But the catharsis of writing is really important. I’ve been journaling for years, and there I can say WHATEVER I’m thinking and it’s just between God and me.
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I tried but it actually made things worse. My wife found my writing and that is what set off DDay II. It is not that I am afraid of her finding things, I would be worried my kids would accidentally find it. So I use as my outlet with nothing actually traceable back to me (or so I think).
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Yeah, that makes sense. That’s a shame, but it seems like a good call.
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I’m confused. Your wife already knew about the cheating, I assume. But your journaling upsets her? Trickle truth? If you’re having issues related to your relationship, you should talk them out with wife. At least that’s what I keep hearing from therapists and my psychiatrist.
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I used it as a space to piece out my thoughts and try and understand what I did. I was not revealing things about the affair I was trying to keep hidden. Instead I was looking for ways that I could approach different subjects or just understand things. It was cathartic. Once I sorted things out in my head/blog then I would discuss them with my wife or in therapy.
She took/takes this wrong and sees what I write and exactly what I am feeling and how I feel on a long term basis. Instead of seeing it as a way for me to sort out exactly how I am feeling.
I guess simply it gave me a way to frame my thoughts and feelings to use in discussions and in therapy.
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I write a lot of blogs that never make it out there. I might post one 6 months later when I’ve had a chance to adjust to whatever it is I am writing about. I never post on impulse. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. But drafting and then reading back weeks or months later can be cathartic so don’t think by writing it but not posting it, you are not getting it out there. The draft box is your own personal therapist but the one that just lets you talk it all out. Every so often I go back and relook at my very full draft box and I can delete a few. And that’s quite a good feeling because it means those thoughts have passed and weren’t as hard-wired as I thought they were.
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Yes! you took the words out of my keyboard. I have found writing helpful in seeing things differently and understanding “life”. I have lots of drafts that don’t quite make it out there. I find the most painful stories are easier to write in the third person. I don’t believe in forgive and forget. I have forgiven and found understanding for the other person’s actions. I no longer “blame” but unfortunately the trust was broken. We are “friends” now and care for each other but I don’t know we can go back to being what we were and that’s OK. I think when I came to terms with that was a very liberating moment. Just because I remember, doesn’t mean I hold a grudge. One thing that has helped me, which I think is a universal truth is that we can not change the other person. We can not convince anyone that we have changed. Actions speak louder than words but sometimes people don’t want to listen for their own reasons and that’s OK. Everyone is the star of their own movie but we don’t need to add to the drama. We each learn at a different pace. I don’t know how many years have past but If you know your heart has changed. Take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. Love yourself and continue to give love and affection where you see the need.
Sorry, I realize I sound preachy but I have found this to be true in MY journey. I hope it can be a bit helpful. All the best.
PS – I had never heard that song. It is pretty amazing, sad but I am a fan of lyrics myself. It’s the storyteller in me. Take care
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Actions are louder than words and sometimes inaction is the loudest of then all.
I agree that the only thing you can worry about is yourself. There is no reason to try and change others because they have to be the ones that want to change.
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I agree with all this for sure. There is a big difference between not forgiving and not bearing a grudge. But being able to walk away and make your life is the overall win. Some of the drafts I re read back I am glad I never hit the send button on. A bit of clarity and a few days can make all the difference. I think you have found your way to move on, to live your life. Many people never manage that, so good on you for finding that place. I’m content I have found that place. People aren’t worth the effort if they want to screw you around that badly. Being the stronger one, the dignified one, is the best outcome.
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Agreed. I think it was important to recognize and go through the grieving process.
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I’m very sorry to hear that you are going thru such a challenging time. I understand the sleepless nights, understand the chatter within, and the fear of “putting it all out there”. I think it’s such a shame that some of us have to censor ourselves because others can be so cruel. I don’t always write on my blog what is deep inside because I don’t have thick skin and would have a melt down from the mud slung at me. We all make mistakes and sometimes talking about those mistakes helps (at least for me) to get a better understanding of what happened and allow forgiveness to come. I have the luxury of journal-ling (sp?) (I have no spouse or children to find them) but I end up burning them once the pages are full.
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So that is the part that worry’s me the most “what soul” so what is a man with no soul who is he and what give any one the wright to drown your soul for there benefit or insecurities . If you got no soul left how can the good and loving Father use you ,He created you different so that he can have a relationship with you in that context not in a modified robot context .If you like songs and lyrics here is one that can make you think “ïRobot from Jon Bellion” But its a new day one closer to the end.
God speed my friend.
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As long as you write, no mater if you post or not, just write in order to purge what is in your head…what you are feeling. {Hugs}
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Here is what I want to know.
Why and how can people stay together after an affair!??
Is it the fear of letting go?
fear of being alone?
fear of never finding anyone else?
not believing you are worth more than someone who went behind your back and found solace and passion with another woman?
I find it pretty heartbreaking that people would rather live with a cheater – knowing what goes into cheating – than to be alone.
What good comes from someone cheating?
I hate reading articles that state “our relationship is stronger now because of his affair”. HA! REALLY? That is complete and utter bullshit. Really, so the thought of him inside another woman really empowers you to be the best wife you can be? it no longer infuriates you that he was sweet talking her, telling her what a piece of shit that YOU are and he had no problem lying to your face and even making you feel at times that you were doing something wrong? crazy making, lies, manipulation, sneaking around and putting you in danger every day by sleeping with someone else..this makes a relationship stronger. HAHA. No thank you.
What makes a relationship stronger is rejecting temptation, believing in loyalty, trust, honesty and respecting your partner enough to not break their soul, embarrass them and make them question their own sanity.
Maybe these couples who stay together after an affair don’t know what they believe in anymore so they choose to stay and pretend they are fine, over it, in love, happy.
Again, I call COMPLETE BS. Wake up people. He fucked someone else, he probably told her he loved her, he most likely said he didn’t love you, what the fuck are you hanging on to?
Crumbs.
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Writing is tough….rambling sounds chaotic at times, but sometimes it’s all you can do. Sometimes it’s what you need.
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Highly relatable…… I too have been to this point….. Where we try to just dump everything out, but the outlet is just not there….. And finally you decide to end up with keeping all of it inside.
Only recently have I started putting thoughts into what I write and focus more on the creativity.
Soothes the pain for the moment though!!
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Yes. I agree, Give power to the creativity. That’s why I’ve taken to writing some thoughts and feelings into my characters. I give them names with meaning and Work through it in that way. My stories become a blend of truth and fiction as my characters figure it out. It becomes quite fun actually.
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“Mostly I am avoiding writing because of the repercussions it seems to cause in my personal life,” I know exactly how you feel. I do this a lot, I have a ton of drafts and deleted things that can’t be posted. It stinks holding back when writing is your outlet but it must be filtered..
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Just my two cents here, but…why blog if you have to censor yourself? Don’t do it, it will eat away at you. If people don’t like what you write, they are free to not read. Also, forgive yourself. We are all human and make mistakes. If your spouse has forgiven you, it’s time to do the same. Be well, my fellow blogger!
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Hi. Thx for following me…I look forward to reading more.
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Affair with coffee, huh? Coffee makes everything better.
I appreciate the follow. I hope I can entertain.
You haven’t written in two months. Things any better? Your posts are fascinating, rambling or not…
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I am sporadic in my writing currently. It can cause certain issues at home when I write because it is not always understood the way I mean it to.
As for things, they are content for the moment. Thanks for asking.
As for entertaining me with your writing, well don’t do it on my account, just write what you want and what you feel. Don’t bother with writing to entertain.
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Eh. Poor attempt at lighthearted humor.
Yeah. I’ve been blogging on and off for over a decade, spanning three different blogs. I started out blogging for me. That hasn’t changed. I was blogging when others were on FakeBook…a medium that gets on my last nerve.
Regarding adultery, I’ve strayed before. There were layers of reasons but, the biggest red flag was…fundamental problems with me and, in my opinion, a pure, basic misconception about relationships & human nature.
Am I sorry I did it? Yes, only because it was a symptom of something wrong with how I viewed myself…not because I was feeling guilt for my ‘wronged’ spouse.
You might very well be an asshole by your own admission but…I don’t think you are an asshole just because you had an affair. No marriage betrayal is black & white, cut & dried.
And, making mistakes is the only way to learn.
I hope your ship continues to sail smoothly.
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Either you love the one you strayed from or not, the same is true of the one you strayed from, either they love you or not. It’s simple really, even though the pain it causes can seem devastating. The choices we make affect everything.
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I think what you refer to as rambling is what I call sorting my thoughts and putting my energy out there. Oftentimes that’s how many of my posts begin. I have a thought then I have to fine tune it to make sense to my audience
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Thank you, for liking my post trumpinaction.
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Hey! I understand how you feel when you talk about having stuff bottled up in your head. I had a mental breakdown last month. I felt like I could not stop thinking and starting my blog helped me a lot and its not about telling exaclty other people that everything will be just fine but that it needs a process so you can tell your story and who knows it can maybe be help for others
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Sometimes it helps to write things down. As you said sometimes it can be a bad idea. I hope this one is helpful for you. I’m not sure if the answers for life are in that back of the book that I do know the older I get the more I understand, and the less harshly I judge myself and others.
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I understand so much of what you wrote about: the need to get it out, the fear of repercussions, etc.
I chose to make my blog anonymous, only telling very few people about it and that it’s me. It helps, but it still doesn’t extinguish the fire that burns in me that needs people to know what I am feeling. They know when they read, but they don’t know it’s ME. And while writing helps, me process and cope in many ways, it does not help me feel visible or truly heard. And that’s a recurring theme in my life. I was invisible when my ex husband was cheating and lying. Invisible when he financially and emotionally abused me. I’m invisible at work. And here, I get some support now and then, the real me is still invisible.
I hope you can find your peace and keep slowly healing. And I wish for you the outcome that serves YOU best and makes you happiest. I know what you mean about swerving right. Swerve. You still might get banged up, but swerve. And fight.
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I don’t think I have thought if it in terms of being visible but it makes sense. While it would think I want to be invisible most of the time there are times, people and circumstances that I need to be visible and noticed.
I hope you can find what you need to make yourself visible.
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Nimeni nu este perfect, motiv pentru care exista iubirea. Ea curata ranile pline de suferinta si da speranta celor ce cred in ea.
Crede in iubire si totul se va schimba!
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I believe in love, but I think it has a sick sense of humor sometimes.
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Super!👍☺
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“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last chapter.”
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Good point. But if you don’t look back and try and learn from it you could just be repeating the same mistakes over and over.
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I think you’re right about canceling the catharsis by over-editing… if you feel you have to say something , just type it and hit “POST” – you can always edit for grammar later !
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Can I have permission to print some of your work for my incarcerated husband? He needs your perspective because he’s too ashamed to talk to anyone.
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Yes, go right ahead. I hope it can help.
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Thank you very much! I’m sure it will.
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Keep on writing!
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Thank you for the follow I’m just beginning to figure out WordPress. Looking forward to our journey as writers.
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I loved reading this post, especially the title!
In the book of life, you have to find the answers for yourself, and somehow those answers are way more meaningful because of the struggle to find them :(.
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Thanks. I am glad you liked it, hopefully it points you to an answer or two.
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Pingback: In The Book Of Life, The Answers Aren’t In The Back. – WJ Clark
Your last paragraph summed it up. All you can say (know) when you learn of someone else’s trauma is that there’s more than likely going to be a long road ahead. That really is the saddest part. We cannot walk someone’s journey for them … and … as much as we want to come along side and lift the load we can’t.
It was a LOOOOOOONG road for me—ghosted after 29 years of marriage. He took all our money, left the country, and I found out that he’d taken my name off our accounts, cashed out 401 K, bought gold, and so much more. People said they’d never seen anyone cry so much—I was literally inconsolable, crying HOURS a day for almost two years. I lost 80 pounds from the stress in the first year. Found baseball size mass in breast, lost my job, then my home (while left with all the debts) … I’ll cut to the chase and say that I ended up living in my car.
It took me five years, but I reached the morning side after my Dark Night Of The Soul.
I do video and I made this one about the process. I hope someone enjoys it. There IS a morning side, but there is NO SET timetable … and sometimes that journey is a LONG one.
The Song is called ‘The Morning Side’ by Steve Winwood. Hopefully, the embed code will work. If not, this is the link.
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