No Problem Is So big Or So Complicated That It Can’t Be Run Away From!… That Is Why I Am In Great Shape.

I think I am an asshole most of the time.  Wait I know I am.   I am selfish, conceited, and oblivious to the things I don’t care about.  It isn’t that I don’t know about them, it is that I just don’t care.  Take the election – I followed it, but really didn’t care who won.  I still don’t, because at the end of the day each and everyone can make a choice to change.  If you don’t like something do something about it.  As Barbara Bush said, The way to make America great begins in the home (or something along those lines).

Oh yeah, I forgot to preface this post with a small warning that it may be a bit offensive, a bit unapologetic, and hurtful.

So I read constantly.  I read current events, blogs about marriages, blogs about divorce, blogs about affairs and recovery, blogs about nearly everything.  As I have been reading the affair blogs I have came across a pattern.  Now most of these blogs are not written by people in my situation.  Instead, they are written by people who are on the other side.  They are people who have be cheated on and feel like their life, the one they thought they had, is gone.  And to be fair, it is gone.  There is nothing left but the two bodies that started  the relationship.  Neither of them are who they are anymore.  Neither of them are un-scarred from the process.

What I have been reading lately from a lot of the blogs is the person who was cheated on not understanding why the cheater doesn’t understand how you feel.  Why they are not more apologetic, why they can’t understand that you can’t put away the comparison issues, why they don’t recognize how much you are hurting, or why they are just being such assholes.  I look at this and I think a few things are going on here.

It might be that the affair spouse does recognize all these things.  I can tell you that I did see a lot of them in my wife but I was not sure what to do.  I also had no idea how to handle them now everything had changed.  Just as there is no set way for the spouse who has been cheated on to heal, there is no set way to mend things on our end either.  We don’t know how to help and I know it is hard for you to know how to trust us enough to let us help.

We also are going through our own private hell that we all deal with differently.  I know I personally hated myself, still do for the most part, and that makes it so hard to give ourselves the help the betrayed spouse needs. I mean who really wants help from a piece of shit, cheating spouse?  Yes, I know this is just another selfish problem we have, but it doesn’t make it any less real.  We tore your heart out and stomped on it and now we are supposed to believe you want us.  We don’t even want ourselves so how can believe that anyone else wants us.  You have to remember that we have not been living in reality for sometime.

Where the biggest issue comes into play is that in a relationship that probably already had communication issues, two more elements have just been added that make it even harder.  The BS does not want to put trust in the AS to help and the AS doesn’t know or want to help because why would the BS want our help anymore.  We are lower than dirt and so we really cannot be of any help.  We try and set ourselves aside and do what we can but that means we push ourselves and our problems into the background or in my case, I just bury them so they no longer exists.  Then we focus on those we hurt and try and help mend the relationship.  The problem is we are really not completely present and the BS usually knows and then cannot really open up.  It just ends up as a big cycle that just gets everyone frustrated.

This is where frustration sets in and without help, normally things just continue to get worse.

After the affair, the only way to heal the marriage is to leave the affair behind (insert shocked readers and feelings of hate).   You cannot heal with two people being torn by something that is in the past.  Now just to be clear, this is only to heal the marriage.  The people in the marriage may still need to deal with the affair to heal.  The BS will need to learn to rebuild trust, self-esteem, and a million other things the affair did.  The AF will need to also rebuild trust, deal with the shame and pain of ruining the person you swore to love and cherish.

The marriage is a whole other issue.  Each marriage has problems that led to the affair.  If these problems are not addressed then no matter how much you work on each other things will just fall back into the same cycle that created the opportunity for the affair.

So what am I saying about all this?  Stop blaming.  Stop holding it in.  Stop thinking it isn’t your fault.  Instead move on and communicate.  If you want to get better, just be honest.  Stop worrying about hurting each other, that has already happened and there is not much worse damage that can be done.  Instead, just be brutally honest and don’t hold back.  That does not mean that you can’t empathize with you partner, but the best thing is to give them the chance to know everything and then let them decide how they want to react.  If you need something ask for it.  Do not assume your partner knows anything.    Once you can get it out what you need, then it is up to your partner to respond.  If they cannot give you what you need, they need to say so.  Maybe they are just not in the mindset to help or maybe they cannot not do what is asked.  At least it is known and the two of you can move forward with all the information.

I am sure I am the worse person to give this advice but it is really just simple.  Ask for what you want and need.  If your partner cannot provide them then you can revisit how important it is and if you can stay in the relationship.  You never know, maybe your partner may surprise you and want the same things.

No problem is so big or so complicated that it can’t be run away from! ― Charlie Browncharlie-brown

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
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24 Responses to No Problem Is So big Or So Complicated That It Can’t Be Run Away From!… That Is Why I Am In Great Shape.

  1. I might have to disagree with you on the ‘living in reality’ part. I think that the cheater sees the reality of the marriage much more clearly, so clearly it becomes untenable. They’re not outside reality, they’re just the first to buckle under it’s massive heft.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Just Me says:

    I won’t insult you with desperate, saccharin “understanding” haha, but I will sneak in a bit of praise, if you don’t mind. 🙂

    Look, I’ve been a fan of your raw, masculine take on this topic since I started blogging a few weeks ago. I took a break from blogging and now I’m back and this showed up on my reader. Yay!

    Here’s the thing, I think I understand what you mean by not being in touch with reality during the affair. It’s an escape. I’m speaking as a former mistress, btw. 🙂 Not my finest moment. But, it’s the kind of escape that can be enticing in a way that is hard to resist. An affair gives you a chance to “let go”.

    You did that and now you find yourself committed, probably more than ever (I’m guessing), to your wife and/or marriage. Not for the faint of heart. Most leave. You stayed. Impressive.

    There is one thing…one caveat…I would submit, if you’re so inclined. Whomever the partner is who strayed, betrayed, whatever you want to call it, must be able to handle the communication dished out by the injured party and vice versa. But if you are advising the injured party here, and that’s ow I read it, then when they speak up and give their opinions, thoughts, needs, communications, the cheater needs to be able to stand in the face of whatever negative emotions the injured party reveals.

    I’m not advocating abuse in any form, but a huge problem exists when one partner in the relationship cannot handle the anger of the other partner. More patience n the face of that anger s needed, sometimes.

    I think you’re dead right about moving forward and getting past the past. If the juried party chooses to stay, then they need to get on board at some point and participate n making the marriage happy and healthy again. Otherwise why stay? Low self esteem? The chance to punish infinitely? No. These aren’t good reasons to stay.

    I like your voice. Wish you well on your journey…..
    ~JM

    Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I agree with you. The AS has to be able to handle any conversation dished out in the process of healing for the BSC. I think that is part of the individual healing. They both have to be able to express how they are feeling and the other has to figure out how to deal with it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • bac4sccr says:

      I also think there is a big difference between saying how you feel and what you mean versus saying mean things to make someone feel.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just Me says:

        Yes. So very true.

        People do choose their reactions, after the initial shock. I believe one finds much more class, dignity, and self-respect in taking ownership in their reactions.

        By taking ownership, I mean that the BS must make their decision whether to stay or leave. Once they decide to stay, they need to own that decision and work with the AS (do I have those abbreviations right? I’m sorry, new to this…) to put the marriage back together. They don’t get to use that decision as an excuse to constantly lash out.

        It’s hard, I’m sure. But the BS chose to stay. So, is being verbally abusive, cold, withholding, angry, and bitter REALLY the best they can do? Is that REALLY their best? Maybe it is in the beginning….for a few days, few weeks tops. Maybe they get to bitch and moan for a few weeks. Ok, fair enough. But there are ways to say stuff without being mean. After the decision has been made Tom”stay,” everyone needs to sack up, dial in, and cut the crap, imho.

        Otherwise, leave. C’mon, pick a lane and drive on!

        Unapologetic. Probably offensive. Blunt.

        JM out. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • bac4sccr says:

          I know everyone’s situation is different and so are people. I agree with what you are saying but I also don’t think you can put time limits on healing. I am sure you were using arbitrary time periods but it is different for everyone.

          The biggest thing, however, is everyone fights and has disagreements differently. Some people need to make the other person hurt and right or wrong they will use the past to do it. Even now years later I can see things that still hurt my wife. I am lucky because I would not blame her one bit if she constantly let me know how much she still hurts. But everyone heals differently and in different amounts of time. And so it is hard to say this is how you do it.

          I love what you say and I wish it were that easy for everyone. I just know that when you are in it, no one has their head screwed on correctly so logical things seem irrational and irrational things seem perfectly justified.

          I am not sure what I am saying with this because I do agree with what you say other than I would have a hard time holding people to this standard. Maybe it is just what you should strive for in the midst of the shit storm you find yourself in at the time.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Just Me says:

            I agree you can’t put time limits on healing, which is why I haven’t addressed that here.

            I do, however, believe in placing time limits on bitching, moaning, lashing out, angry words, meltdowns, outbursts, etc.

            The topic of healing is one I wouldn’t debate or comment on because it’s deeply personal for every individual.

            I merely suggest that if the spouse who was cheated on decides to stay in the marriage, then they don’t get to lash out forever. This is just my personal opinion. But it may be easier for me to say because I wouldn’t stay if someone betrayed me in a deeply profound way.

            I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy, trust me. I’m saying that IF the injured party agrees to stay, at some point they need to put the ugliness in the past and work in a more productive way with the cheating spouse.

            Again, this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me. I don’t believe in monongomany. I think it goes against our nature as human beings. I believe in choosing a partner and I believe in being 100% faithful. To me, being faithful means you both happily choose each other, and you don’t want another. If there comes a time when you want another, it’s discussed openly, in a safe environment. I know, not everyone lives this way, but I do and my partner seems happy with the arrangement. We’ve been “together” for 15 years.

            Monogamy and marriage are social constructs and personal choices, in my opinion.

            Hope I clarified for you. I would never place a time limit on healing. There are times I still feel like I haven’t forgiven myself for the indiscretion I chose many years ago.

            ~JM

            Liked by 1 person

            • bac4sccr says:

              It makes perfect sense and I agree with you. I think people get stuck because some choose to stay because they feel they have no other option. Then there is hurt and resentment on both sides.

              If both parties are in it to “fix” the relationship then both need to work for that. If both parties aren’t in it then they need to go there separate ways.

              Thanks for the great comment

              Liked by 1 person

  3. Just Me says:

    injured*, not “juried”….autocorrect.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. BRAVO!! Not only for your wonderful words, but for working hard and coming so far. I wish you continued growth, acceptance and Love. 😊

    Liked by 4 people

  5. perkmeupnwa says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey and insight As one who was betrayed my husband never gave me insight into what he felt. He asked for forgiveness and stayed. He never gave me any details other than what I discovered on my own. I agree putting it in the past and moving forward is the only way to heal.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. RUCHI says:

    Reading you gives me insight to what my husband might be feeling. Though he is usually not that forthcoming. I’ll keep this in mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is truly an excellent post. You shared raw feelings and put yourself out there so others can step inside such a moment. Thank you for sharing. It has generated great conversations between us.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ana P. Rose says:

    At least, you’re honest. ✌️Brutal honesty allows room for change.

    Like

  9. KinjalParekh says:

    Trust me, it’s been a while since I’ve read any brilliant blog like this! I kept my book aside and patiently read each and every sentence. The way you ended your topic is amazing! There were points were I had diffrent views but by the end, I was able to understand your point of view! Much respect to you! Sending bucket full of love and healing vibes through this message! Good luck 💕 :’)

    Like

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