I am not sure where this is going to go but I am sitting here late at night making absurd connections to me and my problems. The television is on and I seem to be able to take the smallest thing and make it seem like it relates to how horrible I am.
In the show I am watching, two people got into a fight. One male and one female. All this made me think about the abuse in relationships and why people stay. We all see abusive relationships and wonder why someone stays in that relationship. A husband comes home drinking and beats his wife. An irrationally jealous wife beats on her husband. Any sane person would look at those relationships and wonder why? Why does he or she stay? The person who abuses becomes remorseful and then tries to “make up” for the abuse but no matter how they and try they will always be an abusive spouse. There is usually a period of quietness in the relationship after a bout of abuse where things seem to be somewhat normal. As the relationship gets older and older the periods on normalness gets shorter and shorter.
The abuser swears it won’t happen again. They say that they are sorry and that it was just them begin overtaken in the moment. We sit back and can watch the train wreck happen. Are they really going to stop the abuse? So why, if we can see this happen, does the abused person still stay? Why, when the abuse is surly going to come back?
It is that fictional thing called love. It is the delusion that magically the abuser is going to recognize this fictional feeling and “Poof!” they are a changed individual. What is so entrancing about love that makes someone think that someone will change. That beyond all reason makes them want to subject themselves to more and more abuse. We all see it. We all wonder why. And why the do we wonder, because we all know people just don’t change. There are temporary changes in behavior, but we don’t change as humans.
Why does this matter? It doesn’t really, but it made me think about my recent and painful counseling sessions. Sessions I do not enjoy. Not that I enjoy counseling at all. In fact, I have been asked a couple of times why I don’t like it and why it does not make me feel any better but that is for another time.
My individual counselor has decided that it is important to go back over the details of my affair. I felt like I have finally got it buried deep enough that I could go through most of my days without feeling like crap. I still would see a million things that would remind me of what I had done, but I was able to swallow it down and not fall back down an emotional hole. Now, not so much. We have only just scratched the surface, but that is already too much.
So, how does this relate to the beginning of my post? How am I any different from those people who commit physical abuse? Sure I don’t leave marks on the surface, but is that any better? In fact, I wonder which is worse. It is easy to see the surface injuries heal and go away, but not so much with the internal ones. The internal ones are easier to hide but supposedly that is not good, but doesn’t that make what I did so much worse than just physically abusing my wife. Also, how is it that we know changing an abusive spouse is extremely difficult and rarely effective, but I am supposed to be a changed man in just a little over a year. I am supposed to be getting better, if that is even possible.
No, I think I am the same lousy person I was in June of ’14. I am the selfish bastard who took the easy road. I can throw out all the excuses in the world; she didn’t love me anymore; I thought this would help; she told me on numerous occasions to do exactly what I did – but those are just excuses. Instead, if I wasn’t an abusive husband then I would have had the hard conversations that would have let her go. I would have pushed her out so we could both have either decided to fix it or to end everything. Instead, I just chose to take what I wanted regardless of who I hurt. There isn’t enough therapy to change what I am. I am a cheating husband and that will never change. I will always be one forever. Even if I never do it again, I will still always be a cheating husband.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I can’t change what I did or who I am because of what I did. According to what I am saying, the chance of me abusing her again will always be there. I have to keep asking myself if I am the one who is convincing her to stay for my selfish reasons knowing that I could abuse her again. I know I don’t want to, and I really do not want to put her through that again or myself but how many abusers say the same thing after they see the results of their actions only then to do it all again. Everything I see lately is a reminder of what I now am and what I will now always be. I will never be anything other than what I am.
Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective 
Bac4…betrayed wife here. I believe my HUSBAND is a changed man – one that, of course is still capable at some levels, but is so different from every fiber of his being that to cheat again? Unlikely. It took him digging so incredibly deep…and then when he got there, being willing to go deeper and deeper still to the places in his core that allowed him to do the things he hated doing yet felt compelled (and “good”while doing them) to do. Go through the fire of your own shit, Bac4. Go through it, and maybe you will find the man who is different. I know he is in there.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I have no interest in cheating again but it doesn’t change the fact that I did and so I will forever be an adulterer.
LikeLike
Forgiving yourself is really hard.
But it is important.
Yes. YOU CHEATED. And it is shocking to know you are capable, but it does not define you. Please don’t get stuck here…if you do…the darkness wins. It’s up to you to make sure love wins.
LikeLiked by 4 people
I don’t know it is possible. I don’t even believe forgiveness is real.
LikeLike
Oh Bac…your understanding of forgiveness and mine are so different. I’m going to have to create a blog post about forgiveness…what it is and what it is not. I hope you will read it. In the meantime, can you consider something? Can you consider that your lack of self-forgiveness is actually punishing your wife? Just think about it…please. HUGS to you on this crazy journey.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Hi Bac4sccr I believe forgiveness is very real. But you have to learn to forgive yourself first. And you knowing wrong from right like what you are doing is already the first step
. Hang in there
LikeLiked by 3 people
For sure
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow, you are really rough on yourself. This is the problem with the puritanical construct of monogamy.
You cheated, you made a mistake, BFD?! No matter what your motivation, no matter what drove you to the act, you did it – it is over, move on.
Stop going to counseling, from what you have written, it appears to be both a waste of time and money.
Forgive yourself, and really, if you just understood that so many people are unfaithful, you would stop beating yourself up. Again, a silly construct of a society intent on controlling the masses.
And, why you told your spouse, if you did, is beyond me. Telling her only hurt her, and the perception that it would alleviate your guilt was obvious incorrect. If anything, it sounds like you guilt is more from confessing than actually doing.
Does everyone cheat? No. Do most married couples? Yes, and here is a little secret, it has always been so.
Forgive yourself, move on, be happy with the person you are in the here and now, and stay away from monogamous relationships.
Life is way too short to be beating yourself up – and in the grand scheme, one individual cheating doesn’t mean a thing.
Just my humble point of view.
I invite you to check out and old posting on the subject https://sconosciutoauthor.wordpress.com/2016/01/04/to-end-jealousy-end-monogamy/
LikeLiked by 3 people
Quite an interesting perspective.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. It has been my experience that the supposed honesty of confessing is more problematic than the infidelity itself. If you don’t “confess” the other party never experiencing any hurt or feelings of betrayal. And as far as your brain butcher, therapist – save you money, it is apparent from the outside, that he is keeping you in a state of guilt as to continue to profit from said guilt.
I invite you to check out some of my writings. While the stories are fictional, violent, dramatic, at times very dramatic, extreme erotic exaggerations, the sub-text about the faulty reliance upon religion, monogamy, fidelity, etc.. are genuine from my belief system.
LikeLike
Also this blog posting from my say not to monogamy blog
https://infidelityyes.wordpress.com/2015/10/15/imagine-just-one/
LikeLike
You also have to consider the timing of the confession. I can understand your thinking behind the selfishness of confessing but that only works if it is an unsolicited confession.
If you are “caught” then it is a different thing entirely. You are not helping by hiding and keeping information, instead you are creating more problems.
In my case I did not provide an unsolicited confession to satisfy my guilt. Once she found out I have worked hard to give her what she wants regarding information. It helped her immensely knowing I will tell her what she wants to know.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You are right, if caught, that changes the dynamic… that is why I do not live with the shackles of monogamy. If there is no expectation, there can be no violation of trust.
Even with all that, you really are being too hard on yourself. If you are still in the relationship and you are still faithful, there is nothing more you can do. If she does not believe you to be faithful, that is on her. If she does not trust you, that is now on her.
If you are still together, and she has not moved on, perhaps, it is time that you do and leave.
If you are no longer together, then really, let it go.
You aren’t Adolf Hitler, nor Josef Stalin, you didn’t murder a race of people, you fucked another woman. The world isn’t coming to a crashing halt
LikeLike
Since I began reading your blog, my husband has cheated on me. I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t devastating and painful, because it was. I can tell you that we have been working through it and are coming out of it feeling much stronger as a couple and as individuals. We have both begun individual and couples counseling. I have come to the conclusion that while he was the one who cheated, I have my own issues and culpability in everything that happened. His one really shity act of fucking another woman does NOT negate all the amazing and wonderful things he has done in the past or will do in the future. Keep going to counseling even though you don’t want to and especially when it hurts. Working through the pain will lead to your realization that you deserve redemption and forgiveness. I wish you and your wife a future of love and happiness. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
My counselor and I talked about this for the last two sessions. He kept asking me if a good person does a bad thing does that make them a bad person. To which I said if a bad person does a good thing then does that make them good. One cannot exist without the other.
I don’t think you are a good person or a bad person. You just are a collection of your actions. These actions are a representation of who you are. You can’t change that.
Can I choose to not repeat those actions? Sure, but it doesn’t change what I have already done and how that has defined me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No offense, but that is a ridiculous standard to hold yourself or anyone else to. By your logic, everyone is a bad person because we’ve all done bad things. Anyone who says or believes they haven’t are fooling themselves.
So having accepted that everyone does bad things, how are we to divide the goats from the sheep? I have a religious answer and a secular answer, but both involve repentance. The bad person doesn’t repent, but the good person does. The bad person continues the affair or has another and another. The good person makes fixes themselves and does what they can to make things right with the people they harmed. So which are you?
LikeLiked by 2 people
I had the same discussion with my counselor the other day. He used smoking as his example. He wanted to know if you ever smoked would I consider them a smoker. I can understand his point. If I had to fill out a form that asked if I ever smoked and I smoked once when I was 12 then I would still be classified as a smoker. Does it mean I am going to smoke now? No, but it doesn’t change that I did once.
Although I know I won’t ever cheat again I still did and so I would have to check that box.
Also according to research once you do something like this it is more likely that you will do it again in the future than someone who has never done it.
Does it matter if I am religious, repent or am forgiven? Not really. I am who I am and nothing will change what I have done. I just have to learn to look at myself in the mirror everyday, swallow hard and get through another day. I also smile and am know I am lucky my wife is still here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Please don’t be so hard on yourself😪🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for finding my blog and for the existence of your wonderful blog which I’m following.
Your candour is welcoming, but the level of guilt you experience seems to exceed the extent of the wrong you’ve committed.
LikeLike
It is strange as my writing is about my affairs, but you are continuing to punish yourself unduly. Whether the right and wrongs of a person was truly happy there would be no affairs
LikeLike
Some people cheat because their raging narcissists and feel entitled. Others seem genuinely and profoundly remorseful. You appear to be the latter. My husband-to-be-ex is the former and I chose to believe his excuses for why the things he did (many more than 17 years of cheating) that hurt me were really ok no big deal my misinterpretation and maybe my fault too. At some point you should probably let go of the remorse, make room in your life for the knowledge of past mistakes, and build happy memories.
LikeLiked by 3 people
The root problem is the belief system
you have embraced and appear to stick to. Unless you reorient your belief system, you will likely continue with your cycle of frustration. Once you are able to instill the belief that forgiveness is real and possible, then you can move forward, even if it’s one small step at a time, but it is progress.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have never been in a “normal” relationship. I’m 43 years old. But I do know quite a bit about them. Unfortunately there are all kinds of relationships, some of them healthy and loving, some of them not so much. I subconsciously picked men that were aggressive physically and were cocky. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by anyone. Sometimes the guy was married and I never thought twice about it until I quit drinking. I regret pretty much all of them. They were all under a haze of alcohol and self loathing. I let it continue for over 20 years before getting help. It’s too late. Sometimes you have to let go of people completely for them to heal. Yourself too.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I wish I could just let it all go, myself included. I may be misunderstanding what you are meaning but I just cannot fathom how to even go about letting myself go. I can let people go, or at least exclude them from my life, but doing that to myself would seem impossible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not yourself! The relationship. Sometimes we try so hard to fix something that isn’t meant to be fixed. I’m sorry if I’m making things worse. But I’ve seen your situation up close and it’s painful for BOTH people. It isn’t as one sided as everyone would like to think. My brother went through it and it killed me that my own family sided with his wife. No one talks to him except me and it’s been years. He’s never seen my sister’s children but his ex wife has and invited to every one of our family functions. I don’t like it, I am vocal about it and have suffered some of the backlash. My brother is fine with not seeing anyone as long as he can still see his children. Every situation is different and will suck for awhile no matter what you do. It sounds corny but it does get better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No! Opportunities, forgiveness, new starts and change are processes for transformation.
LikeLike
R. W. Emerson is a wise man – I almost wrote wise GUY and that’s not appropriate. Or is it…*cue suspensefully sinister drum spit here* And there I go, totally going off on a tangent. It’s so typical of me to talk about myself, I’m sorry. Wait, wait. That sounds familiar…Oh dammit, Adele! You and your 007 hypnotic brainwashing music! 🙂
But in all seriousness (now that I hope I made you smile, at least?! Just say I did or I’ll have to keep trying and I promise you – it WILL get lame and possibly corny. Don’t make me do it)
*A-hem, as I was starting to say, Mr. E is a fount of knowledge and well strung together words and I’m sure some would have even called him a snappy dresser in 1492, but he’s no match for the Magic MD, the Doc that’s up top, the legendary Dr. Suess, who says “You’re on your own and you know what you know, and you are the one who’ll decide where you’ll go.”
Dude, your lady gave you another chance, right? You’ve got to follow her lead – that could be a good base this time around. It’s not forgiving that’s hard, at least, not the way I see it, it’s forgetting that keeps us up bashing our heads against a wall at night. My humble opinion: try to avoid going through life constantly looking in the rear view mirror – first of all because you’ll probably hit something – but mainly because if you keep looking at what’s supposed to be behind you instead of grabbing your woman’s hand and pulling her close to you while you drive off into the sunset, dude do I have to finish that “if”? You made a mistake, we all do. Own it and then let it go because she can’t if you won’t. If the end game here ends up the same way as the game that you lost last time, what’s the point of torturing yourselves? That’s what reality shows about grown ass adults playing sleepover and being idiots while WE live in the Real World are for. Be nice to yourself, SAY nice things to and about yourselves because another cool dude, last name Lama, said “The mind is everything, what we think, we become.”
My best and warmest blessings, dude. And hey – anytime you need a little comic relief, feeling a little sad, yada yada- stop by and say hi and I guarantee that I’ll have a few lame and/or corny jokes to bedazzle you with, HA! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dr Suess. Lol…. You going to the beginning of my blog. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Now I agree that I cannot live looking backwards. It makes driving very difficult and cooking dangerous but as much as I focus on looking forward I can’t see where I am going.
You will probably tell me to just go along for the ride and enjoy it. Unfortunately going along for the ride and just enjoying it got me here. Now I feel I need a road map, GPS, and a full time navigator just to get through life.
On a side note, I am the king of cheesy, lame and completely not funny comments. So anytime you wants a battle of lack of wits, feel free to stop by.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dude, are you sitting down? (cracks her knuckles, loudly and means-business-y) Get ready to have your mind blown because i am about to answer your question about life and only seeing your dark. Ready? OMG, this is so good. Sorry, right – OK, here we go!
Oh DAMMIT!!! Son of a bleached white LLAMA!!! Why don’t they let you post pictures in comments 😦 How horribly disappointing. *sniff* OK, well you’ll have to go to the link to get the full effect, and I won’t spoil it like WordPress just did.
I accept your challenge of a battle of twits, and raise you 2 eyebrows and a unicorn. Wait, no, not the unicorn. I can’t, she and I made a deal. Long story.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I may have to fold. I don’t have much that can compare with a unicorn. I have an elf, a pixie, and 12 peacock feathers, but you pulled out a freaking unicorn.
Is it a real unicorn? Not one of those painted horses with a horn taped to its head?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi. I’m new to your blog, so grace is appreciated (as always). The title, of course, caught my heart, probably your point…. though it is true that events shape us, they don’t define us. I have accepted I am not perfect, but still deserve love. Perhaps the new man moving forward is a better man for his struggle! Happy cooking forward! : )
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello! I just followed you… So I am unaware of your problems.
I just wanted to share something…
A few days ago.. I read a book.. Thirteen reasons why… The girl character in the book was so like me…. I was like I have faced this situation before.. Why did she do like that.. That was the better option… Oh! I should have done like her… Or sometimes I am just the same….. But the main thing is that… The girl died… She just commited suicide… It was so frustrating…. There are things I am still fighting against… Which she lost…. I began to compare our lives… Questions myself…. At the end I came to a conclusion… She is not me… She is not real… She is just a creation of imagination….
And there is no use wasting time grieving about the past…. I think we must learn from our past mistakes and move forward… Making our future beautiful….
😊😊😊
Btw thanks for the follow though
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aaaaah!!!!
It’s so sad 😭 when you are afraid of your own self.
And doubting your own abilities to change..
But this writing and admissions and recognizing your faults and your shortcomings..
You can’t undo what was done…
But for you to move beyond it..
you have to go through all this phases.. and you have to forgive yourself for your thoughtless actions…
I love ❤️ your article..
I see a struggling man who is so full of melancholy 😔 ..
LikeLiked by 2 people
***.. keep writing about it.. it does help and it does make you see things a little more clearly. . And understand you more…
we often do things we have no answer as to why..
but at the moment of our actions it must felt right to you..
and you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your actions…
You were just enjoying the moment..
it was just a bad choice.. but its done…
Please.. push it behind you.. and be a better man for it..
and you must be one amazing man to be putting it out there..
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you are working on yourself and you are pretty hard on yourself. Not that you shouldn’t but it shows that you care. And as soon as you really care you will change. An abuser doesn’t care. Or better he/she does only care about herself/himself. You care. You want to be different. You are on a good track. Keep going.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow. Thank you for posting and letting it all out there. I hope you choose to one day forgive yourself and see that it is possible (and ok) to be happy again. I look forward to reading more from your perspective and of your journey. -Audrey
LikeLike
Let her go!Leave…
LikeLike
I agree with Savingshards, completely. Self-forgiveness, healing, and happiness are possible. We are all, every one of us, imperfect, and we make mistakes. But time doesn’t go backwards, we can’t return to old choices and remake them, as much as we wish we could. Hanging on to the past keeps us stuck (I know this from experience). Eventually, you’ll need to tuck the mistakes of the past into a file called “hard lessons learned” and step your journey, wherever it takes you, as much as you can, with honesty and integrity. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Every marriage relationship is different. Some manage somehow to work through affairs. Some don’t. Others decide to soften the boundaries and redefine what loyalty means. My marriage did not survive, and I am glad. My ex-husband not only cheated, but projected his self-loathing on me. Our last two years was like hell as I had to suffer his constant possessive jealousy, rages, and blaming me because I didn’t like sex. He withheld family finances for basic necessities, and abused me emotionally and physically, sometimes hitting, sometimes trapping me in a room. If I fought back, he would show off his scratches to other people and tell them that I was abusing him, in order to gain their sympathy. (I am not a violent person). It was a sick and twisted way to live, and I had never felt so alone and so depressed than during that period. Why did I stay? 3 children. Lack of resources, as I was a SAHM. Lack of a support network. Fear. Misplaced guilt, because some depressed part of myself believed his lies, that his constant anger and blaming were my fault, because I was not very good at sex or intimacy. I cannot tell you how much my life and my children’s lives have improved since I found the courage to make him leave, and to get a divorce. Sometimes, we need the clean slate to find ourselves again, and to move forward with life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad you were able to get out of a relationship that was so horrible and were able to make a new beginning.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I think I am older than you. I am wiser. Egotistical? No, wisdom usually comes with age.
Not too long ago I was at the computer doing idle thinking when it hit me I am going to die. I hope it is way in the future but there it is. I hope to enjoy every minute I have. In my life I lost young parents, young siblings, young children. They feel lost but they really died. I can’t hug them or tell them I love them. So now what? This is what. People right here love me. I matter. So do you. You have a certain amount of time so spending one second hating yourself is giving that second away. Decide instead that you will no longer consider yourself a killer. If you still have your wife, your marriage, your life, you haven’t killed anything. You damaged things but so do we all. Decide instead to be a steward for your family, your home, your neighborhood, your world. Just get on with things. Put all that anguish in a imaginary box and stuff it away. Believe it or not there are therapists who think going over and over things is like beating a dead horse. You cheated, you lied, you got caught, you asked for forgiveness. Just be a better person. Just be better. There is an old book written about 80? years ago about a doctor who gave away things to people. Anything they needed that he had he gave. He felt rich beyond measure. When he died many people told his wife of his kindnesses. He based it on a passage in the Bible. His joy, his riches came only because he swore those people to secrecy. His power was not because he held their indebtedness over them. It came because he did not. Stop holding your guilt over yourself. Give yourself away every day. You will fill up with joy if you do.. the book is MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION. I found it in a used book store. Btw, don’t watch the movie made from it. Too corny for words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay so you found this new event which has impacted you and those around you, but not only that, but every experience you now go through will be tainted, by the now feces stained focals you peek out through. Well this experience and the resulting juxtapositioning of everything relative to living is ponderous and of an anxiety flooding nature that “stop the world I wanna get off” succour requesting yell is in your stomach all the time.
Several things are essential for you at this time, juncture (I’m not your therapist, this is more real than that….);
First comes accountability which you as evinced by your post are attempting to piece together but not correctly, and why not correctly……?
Because you are playing the blame card, beating your self up and applying unawares perhaps the drama card. All anxiety provokers.
In accountability begins the adventure, the reaping from this event of wisdom.
Not drama, not an external ostentatious thing but an internal healing. Here’s an anonymous old wonderful poem;
I walked a mile with pleasure, she chattered all the way….
But I was left none the wiser for all she had to say.
I walked a mile with sorrow, and not a word said she….
But oh, the things I learned when sorrow walked with me.
So it is time to start learning.
Accountability begins the adventure; “I wanted this, I orchestrated this, Machiavellian like, yes, no doubt” And now…….what was my intention???? My objectivity…..????
Truth is the answer, you sought the imperative of truth.
Yes an ideal, you sought an ideal and so employed drama to get there. Drama is a blit, yes indeed.
But not the truth. Just a implement which adorns us with Identification with Value.
Why?????
Because there is a innate thing constantly laughing at us, always bestirred to laughter. Putting us
on, oh yeah.
This thing is the Void in us, our substitute for value, and all the drama we attempt to sculpt in life to adorn us with esteem which is our answer to the need for value. Which gave birth to the analytical “ego”.
You can find a lot of info on this within my archives if you possess the true desire to get to the bottom of things relative to existence and drama. Here are two posts;
Mind you, the second one is the older of the two posts. I don’t write in that tempo anymore. But bear with for there is still much truth there.
Also keep in mind that in building the “Image Of Lovability”, IE the purpose of the romantic relationship, we handicap self. It, this process, is a restricting dynamic. The most frightening thing for a child to experience is to conclude itself as “unlovable”, this has led to many a life which in an attempt to counter this adjudgmment dooms self to a life of destruction and denial, a condemnation which in truth is a “Void Mirroring” required and intended by the Innate Void within us. We are all slaves of the Void. This material is so fresh that you will conclude me to be a looney because this goes against the empire of human drama.
And lastly this is not religion, but understand that without this knowledge man cannot ever arrive at a true Psychology for man.
https://andnowmiguel.wordpress.com/2016/10/05/life-equals-illusion/
https://andnowmiguel.wordpress.com/2015/10/25/the-abusive-romantic-relationship-revisited/
Toorooloose for now.
LikeLike
I hope my husband feels this way. It wasn’t a bad choice it was numerous choices to kill and destroy the marriage I thought we had and the man I thought I knew as well.
Your questions haunt Charles because they are my own
I question his exploration of women how he perceives love what monogamy is to him
Simple things but not simple to me now that I’m married to an adulterer
And some would tell me with all the angst just leave and start anew?
Is anything really new under the sun?
And is tearing a family apart really the wise thing to do?
Anyways I’m so glad you feel this way because the accountability in knowing your an abuser
Charles still has a hard time with this because
I can no longer count on him fully maybe I will years down the road but now hell to the no.
He is able to just flip a switch after 10 years of marriage shacks up with someone after 2 months of texting
Fuck him..
Seriously
And I have to call him on his bullshit because call me a jerk but it took awhile for Charles to really understand what kind of stupidness he was trying to tell me
Like “I still loved you the whole time” “I still wanted us to work”
While he’s pulling his pants down for two girls me and her
Denial
Selfishness
Cowardice
And I don’t slam those in his face however if he tests me I do because in my mind there is no way a person just switches like that
And same goes for someone to change it take years to build up anything
So I feel what you are saying
I think it’s valid
And spot on
Keeping on keeping on if being with her is important to you
And really the only way to tell if an abuser has changed?
You can’t hell most seem to have thought they were beyond affairs but there they are shacking up with someone else
Rather quickly
Charles can never prove to me he will never cheat again
That ship has sailed
All I know is I’m more prepared for when he does
And I expect nothing from him
I don’t expect monogamy from him seems silly
I would prefer no STDs but having sex with him now is a gamble
However I do love my lifestyle and family
Oh how I LOVE my family!!
And the longer I stay the better I am treated and that doesn’t seem to be a bad thing
Here’s to tomorrow
NH
LikeLike
I know I had numerous bad choices. Each seemed small and I could justify in some way and convince myself it was harmless. Then all of a sudden I am so far along and so deep in self-deception that I could have convinced myself the sky was following. I am not trying to make an excuse here but just to let you know that all the little decisions make it hard to see it as one big event, an affair, until it already is there.
If I would have spent anytime looking over my decisions instead of justifying them, then I would not be in this spot. It is just easy to be blinded when you are constantly getting fed bullshit about how good you are.
I still wonder how I was able to be so blind but I guess everyone creates their own reality. We believe what we want to believe because it is often easier than the truth.
My only piece of advice is letting you prove he won’t do it again. I would never expect my wife to trust me again, nor you Charles, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to show her that I won’t do it again. I know I won’t get anything from trying to regain that trust, but she will get a small bit of peace. It will never be what it was and she will never fully trust me, but a little is better than complete distrust. So while you may never believe in him again, at least be open to letting him try.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the thoughtful reply back and thanks for being so raw. I definitely agree it took time for me to be willing to let him try.. it also took time for me to access am I letting my guard down because I’m stupid.. or is he really legit.. It seems I have some sort of number, days, or emotions to seem to have let my guard down in a sense.. because being suspicious of someone’s motives who are so cotton-pickin nice all the darn time.. is not easy..
I think Charles forgets that. That it’s not just affair or the lack of trust I have for him. It’s a huge lack of trust that I have in myself. For example the important people in my life? example husband.. how great of a picker am I to fall for someone like this? How safe do I feel in my decisions that I accepted neglect for so long and now? Have I been so neglected that it’s like a \throwing a dog a bone? So what he’s been here for almost 3 years? Really I count only 2 because that first year after affair.. Oh that was a doozy… being married to someone that delusional I didn’t expect him to have any sense of reality for awhile. He thought he did, but I had to help him out.. that was not fun..
You are so correct on how a person can shape their own reality. I was delusional that I had a husband who cherished me. For years.. ugh..
Anyways I wonder if like there should be some gauges on how a person handles after an affair.. Because for me I was so like I wasted my life with this man, sacrifices, time, my life, my body all for what?
I was a pretty black and white type of person and well now not so much which that change has been hard. Either my husband loves me or he doesn’t. Either marrying him was a waste of my time or it wasn’t. Either you are on my team or you are not.
Turns out for me the answers to those questions are both and that’s hard for me, but that’s hard for me in all areas.. from husband to laundry detergent LOL!.. I wonder if more flexible personalities have an easier time transitioning to the ever gray outlook on how their spouse viewed them, or how they feel about their spouse afterwards.
Well just rambling now.. way to go taking care of your wife, from an outsider’s perspective it’s such a picture of sorrow and compassion. To help the wounded heal. However sometimes I wonder if Charles stays out of penance or he actually does value what we have?
Awww.. so much gray!!
Happy Friday 🙂
-NH
LikeLike
I can understand everything you are going through. I know my wife doubts herself constantly and to be honest I doubt myself. I doubt my choices, my motives, my sincerity, and her love and motives. I think at times she only stays because I am the least worst option.
It could be that I am very much like you describe yourself. I like things cut and dry. Either it is on or off and there is no grey area. I don’t deal well with the in between areas. I have come to try and accept them but it just baffles me at times. All I know is I cannot try and understand her motives, I just have to accept them and then decide if what she is giving me what I want. Is the love she is showing me enough or how I want it? The motives cannot matter, just the outcome. If they are enough then I am staying and working through it all. If not then I would need to make other harder decisions.
I could guess all day about her motives but in the end they don’t matter because they can change. The outcome may not but the motives certainly can.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are who you think you are – not who you think you were. For example: “I was a motorcyclist.” This does not translate into, “I am a motorcyclist.” Change your orientation and you will change your life.
LikeLike
Hmm..it’s quite interesting reading all the comments and advices given to you…when I read your responses, I don’t see an abuser or a cheater though…here’s what I see:
*A guy who abused and cheated (past tense)
*A guy who still deeply cares and loves his wife but is worried whether or not his wife believes his acts of love because of what happened (trust issue)
*A guy who admits and repents his mistake, choose to Not do it again, but still sees himself as a cheater (self-doubt).
What you did is in the past. It definitely does not define who you are. What defines you is what you do moving forward. Shift your focus to the future…I don’t think your problem is not knowing what to do because I think you know. I think that it is the lack of perspective. Paint a picture of your future with your wife. Plan your future together and work together towards that future. If you need to move to let go of the past, then do so. And if you want to re-visit the past, go prior the cheating…visit the places younused to date, where you met her, where you proposed to her. Re-visit good memories and plan for a more meaningful future together. If you can, re-marry your wife again! It doesn’t need to be grand
…just don’t give up because of simply what you think or feel. It’s unfair to yourself and your wife. As long as there is LOVE, there is a chance. ☺
May God bless your relationship and may you find that peace and joy in your love for each other again…
LikeLike
Thanks for the follow dear ☺😊
LikeLike
You are welcome.
LikeLike
Your perspective is very different. Loved your way of thinking.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey there – I stumbled upon your blog yesterday from an article I was reading. I the BS, and I’ve shared your blog with my WH to read. He’s not a big reader, but I felt so passionately that your writing style and content would resonate with him, I had to share. I can’t begin to express my appreciation for taking the time to publicly document such a private and delicate time in your lives. I’ve only read to mid April 2015 since yesterday, but as the BS, it’s extremely insightful and helping me to heal more than the hundreds of books or websites I’ve gone though. It’s hard for me to read all of your posts in succession as I can’t always be on my phone. I’ve started printing out each post so I can read them with every spare second. I was wondering if you happen to have them compiled together somewhere? Nothing will prevent me from going on this journey with you, but I was wondering if you had these in a format in chronological order that I can just print and go. I know there’s not always an easy way out haha. I’m fine continuing to print page by page, but if you don’t ask the answer is always no 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sorry but I don’t have all my posts put in a different format. I have been working on it, but not all the way there yet. Can you read them on your computer or is that not an option?
LikeLike