I am not sure where this is going to go but I am sitting here late at night making absurd connections to me and my problems. The television is on and I seem to be able to take the smallest thing and make it seem like it relates to how horrible I am.
In the show I am watching, two people got into a fight. One male and one female. All this made me think about the abuse in relationships and why people stay. We all see abusive relationships and wonder why someone stays in that relationship. A husband comes home drinking and beats his wife. An irrationally jealous wife beats on her husband. Any sane person would look at those relationships and wonder why? Why does he or she stay? The person who abuses becomes remorseful and then tries to “make up” for the abuse but no matter how they and try they will always be an abusive spouse. There is usually a period of quietness in the relationship after a bout of abuse where things seem to be somewhat normal. As the relationship gets older and older the periods on normalness gets shorter and shorter.
The abuser swears it won’t happen again. They say that they are sorry and that it was just them begin overtaken in the moment. We sit back and can watch the train wreck happen. Are they really going to stop the abuse? So why, if we can see this happen, does the abused person still stay? Why, when the abuse is surly going to come back?
It is that fictional thing called love. It is the delusion that magically the abuser is going to recognize this fictional feeling and “Poof!” they are a changed individual. What is so entrancing about love that makes someone think that someone will change. That beyond all reason makes them want to subject themselves to more and more abuse. We all see it. We all wonder why. And why the do we wonder, because we all know people just don’t change. There are temporary changes in behavior, but we don’t change as humans.
Why does this matter? It doesn’t really, but it made me think about my recent and painful counseling sessions. Sessions I do not enjoy. Not that I enjoy counseling at all. In fact, I have been asked a couple of times why I don’t like it and why it does not make me feel any better but that is for another time.
My individual counselor has decided that it is important to go back over the details of my affair. I felt like I have finally got it buried deep enough that I could go through most of my days without feeling like crap. I still would see a million things that would remind me of what I had done, but I was able to swallow it down and not fall back down an emotional hole. Now, not so much. We have only just scratched the surface, but that is already too much.
So, how does this relate to the beginning of my post? How am I any different from those people who commit physical abuse? Sure I don’t leave marks on the surface, but is that any better? In fact, I wonder which is worse. It is easy to see the surface injuries heal and go away, but not so much with the internal ones. The internal ones are easier to hide but supposedly that is not good, but doesn’t that make what I did so much worse than just physically abusing my wife. Also, how is it that we know changing an abusive spouse is extremely difficult and rarely effective, but I am supposed to be a changed man in just a little over a year. I am supposed to be getting better, if that is even possible.
No, I think I am the same lousy person I was in June of ’14. I am the selfish bastard who took the easy road. I can throw out all the excuses in the world; she didn’t love me anymore; I thought this would help; she told me on numerous occasions to do exactly what I did – but those are just excuses. Instead, if I wasn’t an abusive husband then I would have had the hard conversations that would have let her go. I would have pushed her out so we could both have either decided to fix it or to end everything. Instead, I just chose to take what I wanted regardless of who I hurt. There isn’t enough therapy to change what I am. I am a cheating husband and that will never change. I will always be one forever. Even if I never do it again, I will still always be a cheating husband.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I can’t change what I did or who I am because of what I did. According to what I am saying, the chance of me abusing her again will always be there. I have to keep asking myself if I am the one who is convincing her to stay for my selfish reasons knowing that I could abuse her again. I know I don’t want to, and I really do not want to put her through that again or myself but how many abusers say the same thing after they see the results of their actions only then to do it all again. Everything I see lately is a reminder of what I now am and what I will now always be. I will never be anything other than what I am.