I have been away for some time and I am not sure what to make of all this time away. I have been told to come back here because it is therapeutic, but the problems caused by my writing far outweighed any help I may have been getting. Yet, here I am. Back again after 5 months and I am not sure why. I don’t know if I will continue, but I have to try and sort out my brain a little.
It may be that I have lost my compass or at least the base for which I base a majority of my current life. So I feel like I am a lost wondering soul again and not exactly sure where I am going to end up. How did I get here? Who the hell knows? Every time I feel like I am getting things going in the right direction another string gets unraveled and I have to grasp at anything just to keep from spinning out of control. I would just like a small break, just for a moment to breath.
I agreed to begin individual counseling again and began seeing and new therapist upon a recommendation from our marriage counselor. I am still not sure what to think of the guy. I have been trying to do what I can with him but it will take some time. I guess that is how it is with all counselors. Until I really figure him out, I don’t know what I can fully share. He is trying to be sensitive and not pry too much yet, but I know it is coming. It is not like I am purposefully holding back, it is just how I am. I am just not open.
We have been talking about being vulnerable and the need for me to be vulnerable to my wife ( I am sure he wants me to open up to him as well). He thinks that she needs to see everything; my flaws, hopes, dreams, successes failures, strengths and see me break down in moments of weakness. I know this is something we have been working on in couples therapy, but when he laid it out like this it was a little more concrete. He then asked me who I have had in my life that ever was able to fill that role. It didn’t take long to answer, no one. I have never had anyone that I would share those things with openly. Someone who I could discuss goals and life, ask for advice and listen when I need to vent – Nope no one. I have allowed my wife glimpses of those things but never open access and the access that was granted was very little.
So that got my brain working of course. If I have never let her in, why does she stay? Why does she love me? How can she love me if I have never let me in? Doesn’t that mean she doesn’t know the real me (Hell I don’t know the real me!)? Do I really need that level of vulnerability to have a good healthy relationship with my spouse? What is it anyways?
All I am doing by being this open person is giving her access to reasons not to love me or want me. I am showing her I am not what she thought I was and maybe she could do better. I am also opening myself up to being attacked. I know this is why this was shut from the beginning. If it is not out there then you cannot get hurt from it. Why put the temptation out there? Do I believe she would do any of these things? No, but still it is in my head. Not consciously, but there all the same.
Then I think of the other side and what I expect from her. Do I expect those things from her? No, I don’t expect them, but she gives them to me anyways. She is not all the way open, but much more so than I am and it allows me to know that she doesn’t mean me any harm. It allows me to let her have those glimpses that I do give her. If she does it for me, why can I not do it in return?
See I am right back where I left off, spinning in circles, seemingly going nowhere. At least I think she is going nowhere fast with me.