I feel like it has been ages since I have written on here. Even though I am two jobs down I actually feel like I am busier now than when I had to juggle so much more. I am sure it is just my poor perspective of the world.
These last few weeks have been very good. My wife and I have been getting along wonderfully and making the different connections we need for each other. On one hand that it has been a lot of work but it also seems like the work is effortless. It is hard to explain. I need to do things for her that I have been trying to do and it seems like they are enormous at times, but they really are not and I enjoy doing them. Maybe I am just crazy.
I was really sick for part of that time which made things more difficult but it did not seem to affect us much. I wanted to do things I just could not do. I am still not all the way better but getting there. Luckily, it looks like everyone else avoided my sickness. Thank goodness for hand washing. I know I am rambling and it is because I am trying to decide on if I want to write what I need to write about. It is a on going topic for me that I struggle with continuously.
Two weeks ago in counseling our therapist brought back up my issue with self-forgiveness. She asked me where I thought I was in forgiving myself. After a few long minutes of thinking I knew that I was no farther along than I have been for a while. I cannot let it go and I don’t see a way that would even make it possible to forgive myself. The idea is so out in left field for me that I do not know even how I would go about it. She wanted me to think about it and come up with things that she thought were good and bad if I were to forgive myself. As weird as this may sound, this exercise has been escaping me because cannot envision any scenario that would allow it to happen so I cannot picture what could come from it.
The more I think about it, the more I think it is possible that I just don’t forgive. For me it takes a lot to push me to a point where I would need to forgive someone of something. I understand people make mistakes and if they were not done with the intention of causing me harm then I don’t know why I would need to forgive them. I just take it as part of life. If you do push me to that point where you should need to be forgiven I just cut you out of my life. There is no forgiveness because I won’t allow you to be part of my life again. If you are our to intentionally hurt me then why would I want you to be part of my life. There have only been a handful of people that have gone that far. Even though some have wanted back in my life, I have no desire to have them back into it.
In our relationship we have both made a whole host of mistakes but I really cannot see where she has done something to intentionally cause me harm or harm our relationship. So I see no need to forgive her of anything. I just accept the fact that we were doing the best would could at the time, even though it was not helping us. I know what those mistakes led to and then the decisions I made after, which is for what I need to be forgiven. I did things that hurt our relationship and there is no going back from those decisions.
So now I am questioning if I have the capability to forgive. Can I forgive myself or even other people? Maybe I just don’t really understand that concept of forgiveness. I don’t see a reason why I would want someone who has been intentionally trying to do me harm in my life. For me to want them in my life, they would need to be able to give me a reason I would want them. They would need to have something I wanted or needed badly enough that I would risk it. I would risk putting my self in a position that allows them to hurt me again. What would those things be? Love of my wife and children? Most likely, but I really cannot think of anything that I need enough to allow it to happen.
If I cannot fathom how to forgive, then is it even real? Or at least more real than from some religious perspective. Is there some magic process that I just don’t understand? I have accepted that I did things to harm my relationship. I am working everyday to show my wife and myself that I would never do that again. I am working to help my wife through the pain I caused, while living with the pain I caused myself. I have always held myself responsible. I never thought I would be someone who could do be an adulterer. I became someone I did not recognize and that person has never fully left. He can’t, because in reality he was and will always be a part of me. I am those mistakes I made, the decisions I chose, the destruction that I caused. I am the shame and regret I have for those decisions. I have to look at myself everyday in the mirror, try and recognize who is looking back at me, and know that I am a sum of my experiences. I am a cheater and nothing in the universe will ever change that. So how do you forgive that?
You are way too hard on yourself.
What I will write is based upon a presumption that you confessed your cheating to your wife. If you did not, then none of it matters and you can ignore and delete.
The problem wasn’t that you cheated, the problem was that you admitted to it. In an attempt to alleviate your guilt, which it hasn’t, you hurt the other person.
I do not live a monogamous life, it is my viewpoint that it limits ourselves from full experiences.
But, for those that place a value on fidelity, to forgive yourself, you must actually understand what needs forgiveness.
As I said, you don’t need to forgive yourself for cheating, you need to forgive yourself for the reason you admitted that you cheated.Once you come to terms with that your motivation for confession was incorrect, and actually illogical, then and only then can you actually give yourself the forgiveness you seek.
Again, if my presumption is incorrect, I apologize, but I still think you are being way too hard on yourself. Even some of your words to describe, what you did, “cheap” “dirty” are just descriptors to beat yourself up.
This overwhelming guilt will effect others. And the only good it will do is pay for a therapist’s vacation. You seem like a good person, but let it go. You did it, learn from it and regardless of forgiveness, move on in a new direction and continue living a healthy, positive, productive life.
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Even a thought of murder is the same as committing murder, even a thought of adultery is the same as committing adultery …. at least you are free of the worst sin of all that is hypocrisy. You can work through the mystery now of One Life knowing Itself in the duality of matter.
So true. I couldn’t say I know who I am but maybe I could when I got married. I am not sure. I would read the manual and then only pick pieces I thought might be helpful and disregard everything else as fluff.
What SconoSciuto said…! Totes agree… why cheat in the first place? Isnt it more important to first understand that, admit that the cheating is not the issue, but rather whatever caused you to cheat in the first place? I think, and only from what youve written, that youre being really harsh on yourself (and excuse if I am wrong), because it takes two to make a relationship work. But you can delete this too if its offensive, no stress. Peace.
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This is not offensive at all. Thanks for your comment.
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One just never knows if ones written online opinions are offensive or not, until someone tells you, of course 😉 have a magical day, wherever you are!
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Forgiving people is pretty dang hard. Forgiving yourself, in my opinion, can be just as hard, if not harder. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You seem to be pretty chill with what you see as needing forgiveness and not needing forgiveness….I dont know if that’s a good thing or bad thing, honestly. But forgiveness is real. I wholeheartedly believe that God can and will forgive us for all the wrong we’ve done in life, if we truly believe on him and ask for forgiveness. God’s example of forgiveness is perfect, because he is perfect. As humans, we’ll never be able to attain that level of forgiveness, but we can forgive people for what they’ve said or done to us in our lives. Is it hard? Heck yes. Do we want to? No, not all the time. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the effort though. As you said, you cheated. You can’t change that. But you don’t have to carry that burden around on your shoulders all day every day for weeks and months on end. Whether you believe in God or not, I don’t know, but he is real and he can/will walk through this with you.
Just wanted to share that with you and let you know I’ll be praying for you as you work through this.