I feel like it has been ages since I have written on here. Even though I am two jobs down I actually feel like I am busier now than when I had to juggle so much more. I am sure it is just my poor perspective of the world.
These last few weeks have been very good. My wife and I have been getting along wonderfully and making the different connections we need for each other. On one hand that it has been a lot of work but it also seems like the work is effortless. It is hard to explain. I need to do things for her that I have been trying to do and it seems like they are enormous at times, but they really are not and I enjoy doing them. Maybe I am just crazy.
I was really sick for part of that time which made things more difficult but it did not seem to affect us much. I wanted to do things I just could not do. I am still not all the way better but getting there. Luckily, it looks like everyone else avoided my sickness. Thank goodness for hand washing. I know I am rambling and it is because I am trying to decide on if I want to write what I need to write about. It is a on going topic for me that I struggle with continuously.
Two weeks ago in counseling our therapist brought back up my issue with self-forgiveness. She asked me where I thought I was in forgiving myself. After a few long minutes of thinking I knew that I was no farther along than I have been for a while. I cannot let it go and I don’t see a way that would even make it possible to forgive myself. The idea is so out in left field for me that I do not know even how I would go about it. She wanted me to think about it and come up with things that she thought were good and bad if I were to forgive myself. As weird as this may sound, this exercise has been escaping me because cannot envision any scenario that would allow it to happen so I cannot picture what could come from it.
The more I think about it, the more I think it is possible that I just don’t forgive. For me it takes a lot to push me to a point where I would need to forgive someone of something. I understand people make mistakes and if they were not done with the intention of causing me harm then I don’t know why I would need to forgive them. I just take it as part of life. If you do push me to that point where you should need to be forgiven I just cut you out of my life. There is no forgiveness because I won’t allow you to be part of my life again. If you are our to intentionally hurt me then why would I want you to be part of my life. There have only been a handful of people that have gone that far. Even though some have wanted back in my life, I have no desire to have them back into it.
In our relationship we have both made a whole host of mistakes but I really cannot see where she has done something to intentionally cause me harm or harm our relationship. So I see no need to forgive her of anything. I just accept the fact that we were doing the best would could at the time, even though it was not helping us. I know what those mistakes led to and then the decisions I made after, which is for what I need to be forgiven. I did things that hurt our relationship and there is no going back from those decisions.
So now I am questioning if I have the capability to forgive. Can I forgive myself or even other people? Maybe I just don’t really understand that concept of forgiveness. I don’t see a reason why I would want someone who has been intentionally trying to do me harm in my life. For me to want them in my life, they would need to be able to give me a reason I would want them. They would need to have something I wanted or needed badly enough that I would risk it. I would risk putting my self in a position that allows them to hurt me again. What would those things be? Love of my wife and children? Most likely, but I really cannot think of anything that I need enough to allow it to happen.
If I cannot fathom how to forgive, then is it even real? Or at least more real than from some religious perspective. Is there some magic process that I just don’t understand? I have accepted that I did things to harm my relationship. I am working everyday to show my wife and myself that I would never do that again. I am working to help my wife through the pain I caused, while living with the pain I caused myself. I have always held myself responsible. I never thought I would be someone who could do be an adulterer. I became someone I did not recognize and that person has never fully left. He can’t, because in reality he was and will always be a part of me. I am those mistakes I made, the decisions I chose, the destruction that I caused. I am the shame and regret I have for those decisions. I have to look at myself everyday in the mirror, try and recognize who is looking back at me, and know that I am a sum of my experiences. I am a cheater and nothing in the universe will ever change that. So how do you forgive that?