Everyday I get out of bed, head to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I don’t know what other people see when they look in the mirror, but for as long as I can remember I don’t really feel like the person looking back at me. I recognize that the person in the mirror is me or at least looks like me, but I don’t really feel that person to be me. I feel different when I see pictures of myself. I can recognize the person in the photos so why can’t I be the person in the mirror. It is as if I cannot connect with my reflection or maybe I just don’t want to connect with it.
I know what is coming. The writing has been on the wall for some time now and I have decided not to fight it this time. Instead, I will just slide into it and pretend it is not there. How do I know it is coming? I see it in my reactions to things. I am either completely unresponsive or overly sensitive. I feel it in how I am feeling about my future. I feel it in how I perceive people are interacting with me. In how I think they are looking at me or how I think they are thinking about me. All these are the signs that I am fading back into the lovely darkness, but to be honest I really don’t care. Which in itself is probably another sign.
I am not going to fight it this time because it is inevitable. When I fight it, I just seem to draw attention to myself and this way I can just slip silently away and then figure a way back eventually. If no one notices, then all the better. I don’t want peoples sympathy or their thoughts and prayers. What I want is not something anyone can give me, so instead, isolation and indifference would be preferred. Why write about it then? I write for myself. I write to get things out of my head. I write to organize the chaos going on between my ears. When I write things down sometimes they slip away without me needing to think about them again. Sometimes things I know are going to happen don’t because I was able to write it out and get a better understanding of what is going on. I write so maybe someone who is reading what I am going through may be feeling very similar and then they can take a little solace in knowing they are not completely crazy. Or if they are at least they will have some company on that crazy train.
So hear it comes, the crazy train with me on it, headed into the center of the darkness that awaits.