It Is Just Another Day, Just Another Week, Just Another Month, Just Another Year, But Boy Did They Suck…

What has been the worst year of my life has finally come to an end and I really am glad it is gone.  Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think that I would put myself through what I did, not to mention what I have put everyone else through.  For most of the year, I really feel I lived in a haze of regret, self-loathing, hatred, and disdain.  While things have been getting better I am far from where I want to be and I know I have a rough month still ahead of me.

So what did this year really bring me?

For this blog I got:

I wrote 153 posts mostly on my path of destruction, healing, and insanity.  There were a few other posts but mostly it all revolved around the same topic, my infidelity.

I got 32,780 views to this craziness from 5,824 unique visitors.

I just hope out of all those people and all those views that someone took something away worthwhile, something that may help them.

I know that this blog helped me organize my thoughts and attempt to understand my feelings and heaven forbid, express those feelings.  I have been writing less and less lately, not because I don’t need it, but because it became too overwhelming to others in my life.  So I have pushed it on the back burner for the time being.

I met some people on my blog who have pushed me to look at things in a different light.  They have given suggestions and listened to me whine and complain, most often they just told me to stop being an idiot and speak my mind.  It is probably the most helpful advice I could have got.  I am truly grateful for the time they gave me.

I began a new blog unrelated to this topic:

It is not nearly as frequently visited as this blog and I have tried to focus on things in the present or future and not on the past.  It was an attempt on my part to try and move forward and stop focusing on the past.  I am not sure it has accomplished it’s goal.  In fact, I feel right now there is nothing consistent about the blog and so I have posted less and less until I can really figure it all out.

My personal life has been a roller coaster:

I blew up my marriage, destroyed any trust I had with my wife and know that I will never get it back.  I hurt the one person in this world who I should never have hurt, who I promised to protect, who really helped make me who I am.  We had issues but my own insecurities drove me to make choices I will always regret.  We are building something new, something different, but it will never be the same, tit can never be what we had.   It will never be as pure and open as it once was and always should have been.

I have been working and working to try and be the man I once was, the one she fell in love with all those years ago.  He was so happy, carefree, and a positive light regardless of what was happening in our life.  I was her support and she could always lean on me and it never bothered me.  I am working to get back there somehow.

I went from having 3 jobs to potentially having zero all within a 4 week period.  My main source of income, I sacrificed my position for the betterment of other people and while it was extremely stressful it really was the right choice.  In the end, I was able to keep one of the jobs and replace the other two without taking much of a pay cut.  I also was able to add on a 4th which seems ridiculous, but I work from home for 3 of the 4 jobs so I manage it well.

I was in counseling, have stopped counseling, am thinking about going back, but cannot get anyone to see me (I did not know I was that screwed up that even counselors are afraid of me).  I continue to go with my wife as a couple and help her in her individual counseling.  I know the couples counseling has helped both of us.

My kids have had to endure this last year with a father they hardly recognize.  It has taken a toll on them and I am fighting to get them back where they need to be.  We only have a few more years with my oldest two and I want them to leave being happy and secure with their family and having a safe place they will always be welcome at no matter the circumstance.  More importantly, I want them to want to come home and visit.

What I learned:

I think I could write a book on this section, but I think the most important thing boils down to the only thing that can make or break a relationship and that is communication.  Whenever anyone used to ask us how our communication was as a couple, we would always say how well we communicated and we did.  The problem was we communicated about everything but what we needed to communicate about.  It was all the day-to-day stuff but not about us, not about our issues or more specifically my issues.  Instead of talking about them, I just would try and change so they were no longer an issue or bury it deep inside of me never knowing the problems it was going to cause me down the line.  I know I tried at times, but my insecurities in myself and what relationships should be, always had me back down.  We are still not good at it, but working on it.  When something comes up we both let it build for days until we cannot take it anymore and then explode.  While it is not ideal and it is getting better, at least we are not burying the issues anymore.  They are being addressed and she is starting to understand me just a little.  I wish I could say I understood me a little.

In the end, this year I learned that the only person who is responsible for yourself is yourself.  You have to make yourself happy and no one else will be able to do that for you.  You have to speak up to get what you want because people, especially me and my wife, are not mind readers and they cannot help you get what you want if they don’t know what it is that you want.

I don’t know what this next year will bring but I do know that I am going to take a more active role in making it a more positive role.  I am no longer going to be content living on the sidelines and adjusting my game plan to fit everyone else.  I am going to be responsible for myself because that is all I can do even if I convince myself differently at times.

 

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About bac4sccr

I am just a run of the mill, ever day father/husband who is just trying to navigate my way back to where I want to be. Unfortunately there isn't an "Easy" button or a "Reset" button or I would be hitting them repeatedly. This is just my journey from my perspective.
Aside | This entry was posted in Coffee Affair, January 2016 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to It Is Just Another Day, Just Another Week, Just Another Month, Just Another Year, But Boy Did They Suck…

  1. zombiedrew2 says:

    Great look back on the last year. I hope you keep moving forward, however incrementally, on a positive path.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. savingshards says:

    Really insightful, BAC…keep digging…you will find treasure under the ruins.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Miss Evelyn says:

    Thanks for this post. Needed to read this 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Let go says:

    Midlife crises are usually caused by depression. I wish I knew how to send you the article from this iPad but I haven’t got a clue. Midlife crises can be debilitating, destructive and blow up jobs, families and lives. I assume you hit a period in your life where the combination of lost, or disappointing, dreams, no real discussions about your sadness, because you are a guy, (you belong to the guy club) and cheating is easier than opening up to your wife. Put lack of sex in the pot and you could be the poster child for cheating. Here’s the issue. Your wife was in the same marriage. Why didn’t she cheat? Lots of wives do. Was your AP married? How long was the affair? Most bs say all of it is painful but the length of time and the lying are the stumbling blocks.

    Like

    • bac4sccr says:

      You don’t ask anything I haven’t go over and over in my head. I don’t even know why she wanted to stay married before all of this. She was so unhappy and depressed just being in our marriage, but you are right she still didn’t cheat. I try and rationalize that she only did not cheat because she didn’t care about sex. She still doesn’t. To her it isn’t a necessity. But I know I am just lying to myself when I think that is why she wouldn’t cheat. She would have left me before doing what I did even if she did care about sex.

      My AP had just got out of her second marriage that broke up because she had an affair and would not promise that she would not do it again. It was just another huge red flag that I missed along the way.

      The affair only lasted 6 months and for the next 3 months she tried to keep in contact. The fog was lifting at the end of the 6 months and so I did let my wife know when she tried to contact me during the 3. The lying was the worst part and while 9 months isn’t a long time, it seemed like 3 lifetimes because of the till it took on both of us.

      I chuckle sometimes when people assume I was depressed going into the affair. I probably was but compared to how I feel now, I would take it over this in a heartbeat.

      Like

      • Landry says:

        So your wife was so uninterested in sex before the affair that (I’m pretty sure I’ve read in your previous posts) that she told you to find someone else. You did. Didn’t tell your AP you were married at first, not until she was into you. Fucked your AP for a couple months. Wife found out. Still doesn’t care about sex but is hurt that you did exactly what she told you to do. You then claim there were red flags on your AP because she wasn’t as perfect as … You? ( that’s laughable). And now you are stuck in the same position as previously but in punishment mode.
        Am I getting this right? And you are trying to figure out why your life is such shit and you can’t sleep? Seriously ? Maybe because you treat people like shit .
        I know you have a bunch of BS followers who just love your self flagellation mode and you love gobbling up their compliments but what is any of this going to accomplish if NONE of your original marriage problems are resolved?
        You can preach to yourself all you want about how you are the only one that can make you happy, sure on some level that is true but it’s also true that if sex is core need for you and not one for your wife all of your issues will just recycle themselves because at some level she has an investment in your happiness that isn’t getting met and the more it gets buried the more shitty you are going to feel even if you are in charge of your own happiness (*gag*)

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        • bac4sccr says:

          I probably should not respond to this today based on my frame of mind but I am going to anyways. You have simplified my life quite eloquently. I am envious of how easy you have made it all seem when it seems so confusing and convoluted to me. I have made a shit storm out of most everything. I stomp on anyone who really doesn’t agree with me or do what I want. It is the nature of a person, who treats people like shit, to take what they can and leave nothing in return.
          So tell me what should I do know? It looks like I don’t have many options with your assessment as my marriage and relationship is doomed. I can see 3 outcomes:
          1. I don’t do anything. Instead I continue with my, how did you put it, self-flagellation allowing all my BS followers to continue to throw compliments my way.
          2. I walk away. This should be the easy choice because who cares if I hurt anyone. I treat them like shit anyways. I can ignore the 20 plus years. I can ignore the times when our relationship was great. I can forget that my wife said she wants to get back there. It would save me money, as I would not need the relationship counseling that my wife and I are going to in order to try and work on all our relationship issues. This path should give me the most “happiness”, right? Or
          3. I could find a nice secluded railroad track, lay down on it and go to sleep. This one looks the most promising for a pleasant future.
          I guess simply put, should I stay, go or end everything. All the rest are details that don’t really matter. All the emotion that clouds our judgement is irrelevant because it is all just simple cause and effect. All the relationships and dynamics that go into our everyday decision making is really meaningless.
          As I said, I should have never replied to this…

          Like

          • Landry says:

            Oh geez, If you want platitudes, I could give you some just like everyone else, but that doesn’t seem to be working does it?
            I think your marriage has a shot, because you do seem to love her IF there is some meeting of each other’s happiness. You saying that *only* you are in control of your happiness is bullshit if you love her. Obviously then she is in control of it too. And the only reason you are saying it is to try to convince yourself that her not wanting you sexually has no control over your future happiness. Which I disagree with. How can any marriage work if each other’s happiness is not the fundamental layer to their relationship including sexual happiness, and I’m not talking about just your standard married dry spell but a core understanding of who the other person is sexually.
            I’ll apologize if you felt my comment was too harsh. I certainly don’t want you considering train tracks.
            You should continue your journey in the best way you know how, just don’t stick your guilty head in the sand thinking that you are doing anyone any favors.

            Like

            • bac4sccr says:

              I do think that I am in control of my happiness. While others may try and add to my happiness, if I do not accept it then it will not affect my happiness. For example, while many people may offer forgiveness or love, until you are ready to accept those things they don’t contribute into how you feel about yourself. So my wife can add to my happiness but only if I accept the help she is giving. The opposite may also be true. If you do not allow other peoples thoughts and actions affect how you feel about yourself then they really cannot affect your happiness.

              My issue is in the acceptance of what my wife has to offer and not personalizing what she is not offering. I know I am stuck in a pattern of anything good that happens I attribute to outside factors and anything that bad happens I internalize. I know what is going on and I have arguments within my head when they happen, but it still does not change how I feel about myself.
              My sexual happiness may be more tied up into my perception into why she is not in the mood than overall incompatibility. I don’t know a relationship where one partner is required to say yes all the time and I while I do not expect her to say yes all the time, I still focus on the times she says no, versus the times when she says yes. Maybe this is all TMI but I am just trying to make a point that we are in control of everything because we can choose how we react, accept, reject, or ignore the things which are presented to us everyday.
              As I said yesterday I should not have responded in my current mindset as I may have been a little more diplomatic with my response.

              Like

  5. Let go says:

    What was it that drove you to it? I don’t excuse you at all but to most healthy men sex is their way of showing love, need, communication etc. Still, i read too many blogs by bs who say they had a great sex life with their husbands and he still cheated. My husband and I know a man who said he had been unhappy for so long that affection and caring were more important than the sex. Oddly his unhappiness had nothing to do with his wife but when he tried to tell her how down he was she did not want to hear it because she was dealing with some issues of her own. This was a perfectly good marriage that blew up because two people forgot to TALK TO EACH OTHER! By the time of his affair they had drifted so far apart that he was ripe for it. He is now so sorry that he did not suggest therapy.
    I hope your wife has the proper medication. Btw, depression, and the medication, often squelch desire.

    Like

  6. nekkieslife says:

    I wish you’ll pass everything you’re going through…. i am just here to read … I’ll be your reader ….. hope it could help …. cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

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