What has been the worst year of my life has finally come to an end and I really am glad it is gone. Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think that I would put myself through what I did, not to mention what I have put everyone else through. For most of the year, I really feel I lived in a haze of regret, self-loathing, hatred, and disdain. While things have been getting better I am far from where I want to be and I know I have a rough month still ahead of me.
So what did this year really bring me?
For this blog I got:
I wrote 153 posts mostly on my path of destruction, healing, and insanity. There were a few other posts but mostly it all revolved around the same topic, my infidelity.
I got 32,780 views to this craziness from 5,824 unique visitors.
I just hope out of all those people and all those views that someone took something away worthwhile, something that may help them.
I know that this blog helped me organize my thoughts and attempt to understand my feelings and heaven forbid, express those feelings. I have been writing less and less lately, not because I don’t need it, but because it became too overwhelming to others in my life. So I have pushed it on the back burner for the time being.
I met some people on my blog who have pushed me to look at things in a different light. They have given suggestions and listened to me whine and complain, most often they just told me to stop being an idiot and speak my mind. It is probably the most helpful advice I could have got. I am truly grateful for the time they gave me.
I began a new blog unrelated to this topic:
It is not nearly as frequently visited as this blog and I have tried to focus on things in the present or future and not on the past. It was an attempt on my part to try and move forward and stop focusing on the past. I am not sure it has accomplished it’s goal. In fact, I feel right now there is nothing consistent about the blog and so I have posted less and less until I can really figure it all out.
My personal life has been a roller coaster:
I blew up my marriage, destroyed any trust I had with my wife and know that I will never get it back. I hurt the one person in this world who I should never have hurt, who I promised to protect, who really helped make me who I am. We had issues but my own insecurities drove me to make choices I will always regret. We are building something new, something different, but it will never be the same, tit can never be what we had. It will never be as pure and open as it once was and always should have been.
I have been working and working to try and be the man I once was, the one she fell in love with all those years ago. He was so happy, carefree, and a positive light regardless of what was happening in our life. I was her support and she could always lean on me and it never bothered me. I am working to get back there somehow.
I went from having 3 jobs to potentially having zero all within a 4 week period. My main source of income, I sacrificed my position for the betterment of other people and while it was extremely stressful it really was the right choice. In the end, I was able to keep one of the jobs and replace the other two without taking much of a pay cut. I also was able to add on a 4th which seems ridiculous, but I work from home for 3 of the 4 jobs so I manage it well.
I was in counseling, have stopped counseling, am thinking about going back, but cannot get anyone to see me (I did not know I was that screwed up that even counselors are afraid of me). I continue to go with my wife as a couple and help her in her individual counseling. I know the couples counseling has helped both of us.
My kids have had to endure this last year with a father they hardly recognize. It has taken a toll on them and I am fighting to get them back where they need to be. We only have a few more years with my oldest two and I want them to leave being happy and secure with their family and having a safe place they will always be welcome at no matter the circumstance. More importantly, I want them to want to come home and visit.
What I learned:
I think I could write a book on this section, but I think the most important thing boils down to the only thing that can make or break a relationship and that is communication. Whenever anyone used to ask us how our communication was as a couple, we would always say how well we communicated and we did. The problem was we communicated about everything but what we needed to communicate about. It was all the day-to-day stuff but not about us, not about our issues or more specifically my issues. Instead of talking about them, I just would try and change so they were no longer an issue or bury it deep inside of me never knowing the problems it was going to cause me down the line. I know I tried at times, but my insecurities in myself and what relationships should be, always had me back down. We are still not good at it, but working on it. When something comes up we both let it build for days until we cannot take it anymore and then explode. While it is not ideal and it is getting better, at least we are not burying the issues anymore. They are being addressed and she is starting to understand me just a little. I wish I could say I understood me a little.
In the end, this year I learned that the only person who is responsible for yourself is yourself. You have to make yourself happy and no one else will be able to do that for you. You have to speak up to get what you want because people, especially me and my wife, are not mind readers and they cannot help you get what you want if they don’t know what it is that you want.
I don’t know what this next year will bring but I do know that I am going to take a more active role in making it a more positive role. I am no longer going to be content living on the sidelines and adjusting my game plan to fit everyone else. I am going to be responsible for myself because that is all I can do even if I convince myself differently at times.