My last post seemed to have generated more interest and comments than I really expected. I am really grateful for the people who took the time to read the post let alone comment on it. It seemed like the majority of people do think that I would gain something from going back to counseling. I guess I still have questions/concerns/fears that I am not sure about.
The first is that I am currently in couple counseling with my wife. We are doing very well there as a couple, or at least she tells us that often. The only times we seem to have areas that seem to be concerns for her always revolve around me and my lack of ability to let things go. This includes the whole self-forgiveness issue but a few others as well. I can get how individual counseling may be able to help with this but it didn’t with my last counselor. He was great to talk to for a while and he gave me a temporary outlet but once I felt I wasn’t going anywhere I was pretty much done. How will this be any different? Is this new guy going to have a magic wand that will make me want to forgive myself? I don’t know that I want to. I don’t know that I deserve it.
Then there is the whole self-esteem, self-worth issues. I also struggle to see how he can help me there either. I know what I bring to the table. All of the good and all of the bad. There is not much you can do when the significance of the bad outweighs the good. Can this be helped over time? Sure. And maybe that is all I need. I just need to keep trying to do good things to outweigh the bad. Maybe a better way to look at it is with my overall self-image. Can I change how I view myself? And will counseling be able to help with that. Even as I write it all I can think of is that it is all smoke and mirrors. Perspective adjustments do nothing but change your perspective. Have I really changed who I am? Nope, I would still be the person I am but instead I just get to convince myself that I really am different. I cannot see how this would last without changing who I am to begin with. Maybe my perspective is jaded because of the number of counselors it has taken us, as a couple, to find a good one. I really don’t want to have to go through it all again. Also my experience in my work profession in doing exactly what I am describing above, just in a different setting.
Then you get to add in my control and connection issues. I aim to control every situation that I put myself in. I like to know the outcome before I ever begin so I can make sure everything goes according to plan. Can this be an issue? I know it is and I get it constantly reminded to me by numerous people including a number of readers. Add this to my issue of withdrawal when I establish a connection with someone. As soon as they know me too well or they are in a position to use what they no about me to hurt me I will withdraw quickly. I see it as a loss of control. I can no longer control what that person will do with my feelings, my secrets, my life and that cannot happen. Maybe you could classify it as a trust issue. When you live a life like mine where everyone I have ever cared about has hurt me, has done things to me that I only want to forget, then you quickly learn not to allow that situation to reoccur. This is one of my biggest internal battles right now with my wife. I know I need to let her back in all the way, but I just can’t. Not yet. I am sure she feels the same way about me. I hurt her immensely and that is not easily set aside. How would counseling help with this when I know as soon as I really begin to trust this person I will just pull away. I will stop going. I will find a way to justify not being able to continue.
The only argument that I cannot seem to have anything against is that I need to do it to help her heal. I need to do this to show her my commitment to getting better for her. I need to heal because she cannot heal without it. All these are very valid arguments that I honestly cannot dispute. The only thing I could say is one of the comments I got and that every situation is different and every path to healing is different. Some may need the individual healing and some may need to heal through their partner. Sure one road may be more difficult and more unfair than another, but life has never been about fairness. I want her to heal and the better she gets the better I feel, but am I really getting any better. I honestly don’t know. My wife had counseling yesterday and those days always freak me out a little. She had a good session and came back in good spirits but I my nerves were already shot. We had a good night together but still I was anxious and full of tension all night. So she felt better, but I don’t and so I struggle to say her healing is leading to mine. maybe it is. It just takes time to manifest itself. Maybe in a couple of days I will feel better and we will take another step forward. But I really don’t know if that is the case.
So, do I just do it. One person wrote that it won’t hurt. All it costs is time, money, and maybe a little bit of pride. I can see how you can think that but I feel it is more than that. I feel like I am risking everything inside of me by talking to any counselors. I feel like they could at anytime push me over the limit and I become something I have worked a lifetime to not be. I don’t like giving them any control over my life. This may seem like an extreme view, but whether or not it is realistic, it is how I feel.
These are the days I just want to walk out of my house and just keep walking. Forget who I am, where I am from, what I have, just walk. Once I am too tired to continue I would stop and begin again. I know I never could do it but again it is how I feel. It is all just part of the frustrating tornado of thoughts spinning in my head. This 4 day headache probably hasn’t helped but I just need to figure a way forward. Maybe I could just borrow a Delorian.