I have been sitting here contemplating on writing or not. The roller coaster continues and I still have not realized that the steering wheel in the front seat actually doesn’t do anything.
Today is no different. I want control but I am not going to get it. **Cue comments that I need to get rid of my control issues. If only I had control over that**
I was listening to the radio this morning on my drive to work and they said a couple of things that got me thinking. For some reason, people have this need to try and make people who feel bad, feel better. We see someone down on themselves and we will go out of our way to do something nice or give them words of inspiration. Hell, that is why a lot of people are on wordpress. They are looking for reassurance that things are not always going to be bad. I tried to think of all the things that I have heard since this started which people have said to me in order to make me feel better or at least not so hopeless.
Just hang in there
For every pile of shit there is an opportunity to fertilize a new seed
There is harmony in disharmony
Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
It could be worse
It will be worse
Feeling bad is just a new sensation
Tomorrow is another day
I will survive
Every cloud has a silver lining
There is a light at the end of the tunnel
After the rain comes a rainbow
It’s always darkest before the dawn
It has to get worse, before it gets better
Every rose has its thorn
Midnight is where the day begins
Cheer up, it’s not the end of the world
This too, shall pass
Life’s not so bad, when you consider the alternative
The sharper is the berry, the sweeter is the wine
I am not really sure why these kind of bother me, maybe it is the impersonal nature of each but they do bug me. It isn’t that I don’t feel grateful for them taking their time to reach out to me and basically tell me that they know it sucks but they also know that things will change. What people like me fail to see is that we are the ones in charge of that change (I know another control issue). We are the ones who help decide whether the change is a positive one or a negative one. We get to decide how we react and respond to each and every situation. Some of you may find this funny but part of one of my jobs is to motivate people to do better, to fight through adversity. I spend a lot of time teaching people how to re-frame negative situations. You take something that did not go they way you expected or hoped and you try and find the positive piece in it. I have never seen a case where I could not find a positive. You then make that the focus of their energy. Take that one positive and then expanding on it. If you have one positive in this situation can you make two positives out of the next. This is a skill that can be taught and all you are doing is changing the focus from the negative aspects of a situation to the positive aspects. I don’t dismiss or even play down the importance of the negatives, but I work on shifting them to understand that this is an opportunity for growth. When you are 100% successful all the time it is difficult to get better because you can learn so much more from failure than you can with success. You can use lists or texts or journals to track all the positives in a situation. One of the main tricks is that it needs to be written down and then shared. It creates ownership of what they are actually trying to convince themselves of believing. If you have to sell it to someone else you have to get yourself to believe most of it yourself.
Why am I writing this today? I don’t know. I just felt like it is something that others may use. Maybe I just wanted to show what a hypocrite I am because I cannot practice what I preach. Then again, maybe that is why I cannot do it. I know all about it. I know how to convince people to shift their focus, so I also know that in the end it does not change anything. For example, you could take someone who has recently lost their job. They are stressed and depressed because of this perceived failure. They see all their flaws and why they did not succeed. So I come in and show them that this is actually an opportunity to make a change for the better. Maybe the old job was holding them back or maybe you really were not happy with the work environment. It really does not matter, you can show them that this is an opportunity that they can mold into whatever it is they want to make of it. They can learn new skills, find a healthier work environment, and a more stable job. The key point is that it is their opportunity and they are in control of what they make of it. If they can focus on making the most of the opportunity then they see this as a more positive adjustment.
What I know is that nothing really has changed. You have the same problems and the same issues you had before you met me, I just put on the right color of lenses. This makes it so much harder for me to buy into all the positivity. So instead I try to focus on what I see as reality (I will be honest in knowing that I really struggle know what is real and what is not). All the good and all the bad. For right now it just seems like the bad always outweighs the good. I can stare at the good and talk about it all I want but I still see the negativity surrounding everything. It could be a clearer view of the world than everyone else has, I don’t know, but I do know that it is how I view everything.
As I said I really don’t know why I was writing today. Maybe it was just to share a positive message, to tell people that there is hope you just have to put on the blinders and focus on it. There is always another chance, no matter what you think, you just have to decide if you will ride it into the negativity or the positivity.
It always seems easier to not practice what we preach. Practicing what we preach is…harder. But you know it to be accurate, that you are in control of one thing: you. Will you having a positive outlook and making positive changes make others comply, act the way you want, or make a bad situation better? Maybe not. But I can guarantee you that not making changes will definitely not lead to a different result.
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Choosing not to choose may be appealing but you are right that you give up the opportunity to make a positive change for yourself and place your path in the hands of others. You may get a positive result but it won’t be as impactful as if you were to have chosen the path.
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Well said. Just keep plugging away. You know from your teaching that its possible, and sometimes necessary.
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I appreciate your p.o.v. here. I’ve been on a journey of self discovery myself, and I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on those same types of positive affirmations. And sometimes, they just don’t work. I’ve taken the path to just give myself a break, at least for right now. During this time, I’m working on getting in touch with my own internal dialogue, and listen to what it’s saying. I’ve been surprised, at times, by it. But also, by giving myself a break, it’s given me space to re look at the things and people who are important to me, and actually do make me happy. It’s both small things (like crossinants-yum) and not small things, like reaching out to family and friends in ways I haven’t before allowed myself. It’s healing. And simple, when you get right down to it. 🙂 thanks for this post, I’m glad you shared.
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I’m in a good place right now but that is always subject to change depending on the day. I’m not going through what you’re going through. I’m not going to even try to pretend to understand the depths. But you’re transparent and it keeps me glued to your experience.
I might be out of line, but today isn’t really a great day for me…I apologize in advance if I come across as bitchy…
Your blog in its entirety says that this is from the cheaters perspective, yes? So just curious as to why your melancholy posts seem to magnify your intense feelings of negativity, your feelings of failure, your feelings of trying to make positive changes…? When you talk to your spouse, does she appreciate your insight into looking at things more positively or…wait…how is she feeling? I get that you are feeling bad, and forgive my bluntness, you should feel badly. I would think, in my opinion (for whatever its worth), that you should feel badly until her healing is done. She is the one who was betrayed and shattered and had her heart ripped out. Betrayal sucks, and the one doing the betraying should feel that pain right along with the one whom they hurt, not as punishment but as empathy, because in the end, that is where true remorse will stem from. In all of your writing, the one thing I can say that I am hoping to hear is not that you are doing ok…its how is SHE doing?
Speaking as an “angry wife” who was cheated on, betrayed, and broken…you had your time to be selfish…I just don’t see how it’s about you now. (Not that I wish you un-happiness or negativity)
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I can completely understand your perspective and I hope I understand you correctly when responding to you.
My blog is about my perspective in the journey of the damage I caused, the hurt I have put my wife through, and the embarrassment I have caused her but more importantly it is about how I am coping with it and trying to also get through the healing perspective. If you want to salvage your marriage after this then healing has to take place on both sides. We are not unique in this, she needs to heal and so do I but our processes are very different.
I started this blog because I was looking for anything to give me hope and what I came across were numerous blogs dedicated to BS and rightly so. I am glad they have created their own support network from which to grow and heal. I also saw a lot of comments about how the BS would just wish the knew what their husband was feeling or why he did what he did or why he is distant when the BS needs him. There were a lot of unanswered questions.
I decided to share my story to one allow the BS’s into my head and see what I am thinking and feeling but the main reason is to help me understand why I did what I did and how not to repeat the mistakes.
This process is helpful for me even though it may seem like I am fishing for sympathy. I am not looking for any such things. I am looking to try and figure this out as much for me but also for her. If I cannot get my head straight then we have no hope. I use this place to organize and dump my thoughts either so I don’t need to burden my wife unnecessarily or so our conversations are more clear with each other. I use this as an avenue to help US.
Now why do I not explain her feelings on a lot of things? It is because they are her feelings, not mine. If she wants them shared she will tell me or better yet start her own blog. I will not presume to speak for her unless she has made it clear how she feels. I may guess in relation to what I am going through but I am not putting her at the forefront of this. She can stay in the background shielded by me and this blog and use whatever methods she need to heal. I am there to support her the whole way. Do I always let her know how bad I am feeling or depressed or anxious, no because it will not change how I feel and so there is no reason to add that to her plate.
I hope I am being clear that I will not pretend to share her feelings unless she wishes it so. But you can be assured that I definitely feel worse and am having a harder time than she is and I am 100% okay with that because I am the cause to begin with, but most of the time she does not know how much I am going through because I need to be there for her as much as I possibly can.
As I said at the beginning (at least I think I did but I cannot scroll up that far) that I am happy that you shared your opinion, even if it is critical of my approach and of my actions. You did it in a way that, at least for me, was nonthreatening but I am sure there are other who feel the same as you. I just want you to know that I am not neglecting my wife while trying to play the victim card here. I have never backed down from taking responsibility for my actions and I do not plan to.
Sorry for the book but I have a tendency to have long-winded responses to great comments.
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I can respect that answer and I applaud you for your approach in your response. You’re right, your wife’s feelings are hers and should be shared if and when she feels it is appropriate and in the manner to which she is comfortable. Its hard for us, as BS to see sometimes “your” side of things because lets face it, what happened sucked on so many levels. It hurts and it rips your soul apart. Some of us want to know that our spouses ARE suffering because, to me anyway, it sometimes seems like they got the better end of the deal. They get to go out, get off and have their exciting and adventurous affair, and at the end of the day they come home and are accepted back…I know thats a crude depiction and not at all the messy chain of events that it actually is, but in the end…you had it all…you got to come home and were forgiven and “we” are sitting back broken, shattered, in despair, beyond repair sometimes, and we think to ourselves…are they really as broken as we are? But on the flip side of that, we think, why should he be all mopey and “woah is me” because we were the ones who were betrayed, we were the ones who were hurt…shouldn’t they be doing everything in their power to win us back and grovel at our feet?
Speaking as a BS, I wanted to hear from you that you could see your wife’s pain as evident as if it were your own and that THAT haunts you every day…at least then perhaps we could have hope that OUR husbands (or wives on the flip side) feel the same way.
My husband told me the other day that he felt horrible still for what he had put me through, and that watching me cry ripped his heart out…I never quite know what to say to that. In one respect its not like I can reassure him and say, “oh it’s okay honey.”–because in reality it isn’t okay. But its cruel for me to turn around and say “good I’m glad you feel that way, you SHOULD feel rotten.” That response only sounds like I am forever trying to punish him, and I’m not. But he SHOULD feel that pain, at least until mine starts to subside a bit…if we are walking this path together then he SHOULD be feeling what I feel, in equal measure, even if he is the cause and even if its hard to face it.
This business of cheating and lying and betrayal has changed me to my core…I HATE that it has changed me. I never asked for this, and I suspect either did your wife. You offer a unique perspective that our husbands sometimes can’t offer…BRUTAL HONESTY. The benefit of anonymity in blogging is that you can pretty much say whatever you want to say, even if you won’t say that in real life, and we have the opportunity to see it. It’s painful to be sure, and sometimes you could even be confirming for us what we have feared all along…but most of us just want brutal honesty anyway and we don’t get it. (and we want it even if it makes us boiling angry) You have offered that to the world…and that is why I asked what I did. I wanted to know if through all of this…through your ramblings and your own self-reflection, if you actually SAW and FELT your wife’s pain too…
You are not the first person to ask very similar questions since I have started blogging. I have put up over 120 posts so far and most I hope can never be traced back to me.
I am sure that every situation is different and every cheating spouse responds differently, but I know that there is a bit of overlap in most all situations. I can see and have had comments from others that they do want to see their AS hurting and remorseful. They need to see it to get that reassurance that they will not do it again. If the AS is not showing these signs then it would be so hard to believe they are sorry for what they have done and will change. I still tell my wife how sorry I am that I did this to us. I don’t need a response because there are not many that are adequate for what has transpired. If she said anything it could only be that she could see that I am sorry. I would not want her to tell me to feel better (because that won’t happen anytime soon) and while I would not blame her if she told me she was glad I was hurting, it would just add to the already numerous problems.
I think the biggest thing that I hear is that BS want to hear, see, and feel the remorse from their spouse. They need these things to heal. But you are right in that we have to walk a very fine line of showing remorse and not becoming the center of attention with the suffering we are experiencing. What I can tell you there is not a day or hour for that matter that does not go by that I am not reminded about what I did and then I feel the guilt, shame, hurt, disgust,…all over again.
I wake up in the morning and as I am leaving I always kiss my sleeping wife goodbye. Every time I do this I get a shot of remorse seeing her there looking calm peaceful and happy. It hurts me every morning knowing that at some point in the day I will take that away from her because of what I have done. It may only be for a brief moment but that is by far too long because I know that is her reminder of how I failed her. I can still look into her eyes and see that the pain is not all gone. She may tell me things are much better but the eyes are the real telling point and even though they are getting brighter again, they still have the pain in them.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder if today is the day she will have had too much and just kick me out or I may come home to an empty house. But this is my burden to bear and I do it everyday hoping that when I get home she will still be there. BS’s want to know if I actually see and feel my wife’s pain. Every singe day, and to be honest I cannot see how that will change anytime soon. I really expect it to be there for the rest of our lives and I will have to live with the thought that I am the one that put it there.
I truly do hope that for her sake, and for yours that your last sentence is not true. I don’t want to feel this pain for the rest of my life. I want to feel joy and pride and happiness as a result of my marriage. My vows were for better or for worse and I am done with dealing with the worse…I want the better. But in the here and now, you’re right, this is a burden and I am glad to know that at least one husband carries it. You did fail her, as my husband failed me. I am just waiting for the day that my husband decides that he wants to champion me. It won’t solve all our problems, but it helps to counteract the pain if even for a while.
Thank you for your honesty tonight. If you are as honest, gentle and transparent with me, anonymously, as you are with her, then it won’t take as long as you might imagine. Never stop trying to win her heart.
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Sorry, that last line was backwards…should have said, “If you are as honest, gentle and transparent with her as you are with me, anonymously, then it won’t take as long as you might imagine.”
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I will say it. You are out of line angrywifeletters. Who the hell are you to say what a blogger should be writing about? STFU. Guess my excuse is a shitty day too.
On a lighter note, this was my fortune today in a fortune cookie: Change is inevitable, except for vending machines.